The Cowboy’s Return

by Aarsen, Carolyne

  Lucas could identify with that.

  The Weirs, wealthy and a bit standoffish, sat on the far side of the church, towards the front. Renee Albertson and her mother sitting in a wheelchair. Beside Renee he also recognized Evangeline who ran the local bookstore, Shelf Awareness. He recognized a few others, smiling at the memories their presence created. He had gone to school with a number of the people here. He had been back only a handful of times, and each time he felt the same tug and pull of home. Rockyview was where he had lived the longest, and even though it was the place of his deepest grief—losing his parents—it was also a place of long-lasting and solid memories. He had history here, and roots.

  He couldn’t help a sidelong glance down the pew. Kane and Faith sat beside Elliot and Kinsley. Tricia and Mason weren’t here yet. Probably taking the twins to the nursery.

  He had to smile at the thought. The family was getting larger, and they were all settling back here.

  Why don’t you?

  The thought sifted upward as he watched people come in and sit down. The music from the group up front grew louder. He hadn’t had staying in mind when he came back here. He had been content to drift along, healing, coping, meandering through life. It seemed a lot easier than making a decision. Easier than committing to settling down.

  Especially settling into the place that was supposed to be his and Summer’s home.

  He wished he could figure out what it was he wanted. He had tried walking in his biological father’s steps, tried being the man of honor his father was. It had been his lifelong dream, a way of being close to his father. And now that was taken away.

  More people came in, and he looked over to see who it was. His heart jumped in his chest as he recognized his grandmother pushing her walker along, Summer right behind her.

  His grandmother stopped beside him, gave him a tight nod, and settled into the pew opposite the aisle. Summer gave him an awkward smile, then sat beside his grandmother.

  He looked ahead, focusing on the group that was now singing louder, trying to get pulled into the words of the song. But he was far too aware of Summer right across the aisle. He had come so close to kissing her, it was as if his lips still burned from a contact they didn’t have.

  He clenched his fists, unable to stop the picture of her moving into his arms and how it would’ve felt to pull her close.

  He gave his head a shake, as if to dislodge the errant thoughts then pulled in a deep breath, focusing on the words on the screen.

  After they finished the last verse, the preacher came to the front, laid his Bible on the lectern, and welcomed everybody to the service. He then encouraged everyone to welcome one another. There was a flurry of awkward movement as people turned and shook hands with those around them. Lucas shook hands with people behind them, the people in front of him, and then, there was nothing for it, he stepped across the aisle and shook his grandmother’s hand.

  She caught his hand between her own, her eyes seeming to bore into his. It was as if she was trying to tell him something.

  Then he looked past her, and Summer was staring directly at him.

  The old emotions that sparked between them yesterday came back in full force. It was like a jolt to his chest.

  Her lips parted, and he saw her breath was quick, erratic. Then she swallowed, clasped her hands together, and looked ahead.

  Two complicated women and two complicated sets of emotions.

  He went back to his seat and grabbed the back of the pew in front of him, his knuckles turning white as he tried to regain control.

  Then he sat down, and the minister began.

  “I want us all to turn to Colossians three, verse twelve.” There was a rustling of pages as people took out their Bibles and found the passage. It was also projected on the screen, and Lucas followed along there.

  “‘Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one other if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.’”

  Lucas let the words sink in and read them again as the preacher began to talk.

  And once again his eyes drifted to the woman sitting right across from him. Both of whom had left him.

  Both of whom he struggled to forgive, which was exactly what the preacher was talking about.

  “Forgiving someone who has hurt you is hard. It means letting go of what you think should have happened. It means letting go of that sense of justice we want to cling to. We were hurt, we were injured, and sometimes we want that hurt to be experienced in all its fullness by the person who caused this pain.”

  The words so eerily echoed what Lucas struggled with, he felt as if the pastor had read his mind. How many times, as a young boy, especially as a teenager, had he imagined confronting his grandmother with the fact that he felt abandoned by her? Tell her how hurt he’d been?

  Than, later, Summer.

  “But forgiving someone who has wronged you, even when they didn’t ask for it, can be a healing process. More healing even than the confrontation we think we need. Forgiveness can spare us a slow, steady corrosion of bitterness that won’t end if you keep nurturing the hurts in your life. As Lewis Smedes said, ‘To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.’”

  The pastor paused a moment as the quote was flashed up on the screen superimposed over a photo of hands clinging to prison bars.

  Lucas stared at the image, realizing how apt it was. Angry memories of his grandmother had taken some of the joy out of his life. Anger with Summer had done even more damage.

  Then his eyes flicked to the members of the Tye family. The family that had taken him, a complete stranger, in and given him a home and a place. Had given him roots.

  He felt he shouldn’t harbor anger at his grandmother.

  But she was your only living relative. She dropped you off like you were a stray dog.

  And he, at least, had given Misty a home.

  As had the Tyes given him one.

  His thoughts circled each other as he struggled with the pastor’s words.

  “Too often we think we have to feel forgiving to forgive,” the pastor continued. “But it’s an action more than an emotion. Forgiveness deliberately given and received can mean freedom.”

  Lucas knew he had much to process, and the pastor had definitely given him food for thought.

  While he worked this through, he sensed someone watching him. His grandmother? Had she heard the same message?

  He shifted his gaze sideways only to catch Summer watching him, her expression melancholy, her eyes bright. But as soon as their eyes met, she turned away, ducking her head.

  Too many emotions between them, he thought, and so many of them, both old and new, were tangled up in knots that he wasn’t sure how to untie.

  * * *

  The sermon was over and Summer, once again, felt as if she had been forced through an emotional wringer. Last week, sitting with Glenda, was the first time she’d been in church since she found out she was pregnant. She had avoided church because she couldn’t face again and again how far she had fallen from the girl she used to be. She didn’t need to add guilt to the already difficult emotions she was processing. But this Sunday Glenda really wanted to attend and wanted Summer to be with her, so she’d agreed.

  Summer sat back, cradling her stomach against another tightening, reminding herself this was all part of the last stages of her pregnancy.

  The pastor stood aside for Evangeline Arsenau She paused a moment, giving everyone a wide smile, her reddish, wavy hair worn loose and long combined with her flowing dress giving her a bohemian look. Evangeline owned the local bookstore, Shelf Awareness, and had one of those soft, breathy voices that made you pay attention.

  “As you are, hopefully, all aware by now, we start the season of Advent
next Sunday, so I’d like to let you know what we'll be talking about the next few weeks.”

  Summer felt a jolt as Evangeline spoke. Advent meant Christmas was coming, which meant that in a month, her baby would be born. A week before Christmas.

  She just wanted everything done. Over. She wanted to have this baby and move on. Put the past behind her.

  Forgive herself?

  The words popped into her mind seemingly from nowhere.

  She lifted her chin in a move of defiance, removed her hands from her stomach as if to create some distance from the child she would be surrendering.

  Evangeline sat down, and the minister returned. He lifted his hands, encouraging everyone to stand up, and Summer pulled herself back into the moment. She’d completely missed what Evangeline said. She sang along with the final song, trying to make the words a part of her.

  At one time church fed her soul, nourished her, gave her a song to sing for the week.

  Would that time come again?

  She pulled in a long breath to center herself and helped Glenda stand.

  “I’m so glad we came. That was a meaningful and thought-provoking service,” Glenda said, giving Summer a wistful smile. “What did you think?”

  Summer nodded, still trying to deal with some of the concepts, trying to know where to put them in her life.

  Then, once again, her gaze shifted to Lucas, who was standing, hands in the pockets of his black jeans, looking ahead, looking pensive. And again, she caught sight of the scar on the side of his face.

  Wounded warrior, she thought, wondering where his thoughts were. Then he turned, and again their eyes held. Again that latent awareness sparked between them.

  Her breath caught and her heart skipped, and it took her a moment to realize Glenda was speaking to her.

  “I’m sorry, what were you saying?” she asked as Glenda grabbed hold of her walker.

  “I’d like to invite Lucas to lunch, if it’s okay with you.”

  “Um, I doubt he would come,” Summer said, looking past him to the members of the Tye family lined up behind him. “I’m sure he’ll want to go to the ranch with his family.”

  “Then let’s ask him for dinner.”

  Summer would have preferred not to ask him at all. Every time she was around him her old feelings slipped to the fore and grew harder and harder to suppress.

  And before Summer could stop her, Glenda, displaying surprising agility, caught up to Lucas, who was already a few people ahead of her.

  Summer tried to catch up to them, but a terrible cramp seized her leg, making her drop to the pew. She rubbed her calf, ignoring the people flowing past her.

  Then finally, she felt like she could walk again. As she left the sanctuary she saw Lucas and Glenda just outside the double doors. Glenda had her back to Summer, but Lucas was looking down at his grandmother, frowning, as if trying to make a decision.

  Just as Summer joined them Lucas glanced up at her and his frown faded to a gentle smile.

  “Hey there, you okay?” he asked.

  “Got a bad cramp in my leg,” she said, her tone breezy. Forcing a smile, she glanced over at Glenda. “So, I guess we should go home?”

  “We need to stop at the grocery store,” Glenda said. “Lucas agreed to come to dinner.”

  There it was again. That jolt to her chest blended with anticipation at the thought of spending time with him.

  “Okay. That sounds good,” she said, forcing a smile even as her heart raced. “Any preferences for the menu?”

  A slow smiled crawled over Lucas’s mouth. “Can you make that parmesan chicken recipe?”

  She had to smile to herself at his request. He was the one who had given it to her. He had gotten it from Grace. “I think I can.”

  “With mashed potatoes and beans.”

  “That sounds rather ordinary,” Glenda said, frowning now. “We could make something fancier.”

  “Please, that would be wonderful.”

  “Okay then, we’ll see you tonight.” Glenda gripped her walker, her knuckles straining against her thin and age-spotted skin. She looked stressed even though it had been her idea to invite him. She turned to Summer, her eyes bright, cheeks flushed. “We should go.”

  “Are you okay?”

  Glenda gave her a tight nod then walked away.

  Summer shot a puzzled look at Lucas, but he just gave her a shrug. He looked like he was about to say something more, when someone tapped him on the shoulder.

  He would be busy catching up with old friends, so Summer ducked her head, pulled her coat closer around herself, and moving as quickly as she could, caught up to Glenda.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, holding the church door open for her.

  Glenda just nodded, staring straight ahead, her jaw clenched.

  Summer was confused by her behavior, but followed her across the parking lot to the car. It had snowed last night, and Glenda’s walker left a trail. Summer shivered as she pulled the car keys out of her purse and pressed the fob to unlock the doors. She glanced up at the sky, hoping the snow would stay away a little longer.

  She got Glenda settled into the car, folded up her walker, and stowed it away. Getting in herself, she buckled up and turned the heat on. While she waited for the car to warm up she turned the radio on. Summer rubbed her chilled hands together then put the car in gear and backed out.

  “I hope it’s okay with you that I invited Lucas over,” Glenda said finally. “I know you’re uncomfortable around him, but I really…I really need to talk to him.” She seemed hesitant.

  “About what?”

  But Glenda just waved her hand, cutting off the questions.

  But as they left the parking lot, Summer wondered if Glenda had been as affected by the sermon as she was.

  Because she knew, forgiveness was very much on her mind.

  Chapter 7

  “Supper was delicious,” Lucas said, wiping his mouth. He had eaten as much as he could, but truth to tell, he was still full from lunch at the Tye ranch.

  Faith had made a huge pot of soup, Tricia had made croissants and some type of chicken salad, and Kinsley had brought a massive chocolate cake she baked because she wanted to try a new recipe out.

  They kept forcing food on him, and he felt rude to say no, so he just kept eating.

  It had been a fun and boisterous afternoon, and he had enjoyed himself thoroughly.

  Quite a contrast to this subdued dinner, with limited conversation and lots of underlying tension.

  “Are you sure you don’t want any dessert?” Glenda asked, indicating the boxed pie sitting on the counter.

  “No, thank you, I’m full,” Lucas said. He looked over at Summer, who was picking at her food. “It was delicious. Thank you so much.”

  She gave him a shy smile, “I know it’s probably not as good as Grace would make it, but I think it turned out okay.”

  “I told you it was delicious, and I meant it.”

  Her smile grew a little, but she looked away again. He had sensed her tension ever since he came into the house.

  Summer got up to clear the dishes, but Glenda stopped her.

  “I have a favor to ask of you, Summer,” Glenda said. “I need to talk to Lucas alone.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Summer said, holding up her hand as if she understood what was happening. “If you don’t mind, Lucas, I’ll go next door and keep Misty company.”

  Lucas was about to protest. He didn’t want to be alone with Glenda. It hadn’t happened for years, and even in the old days she could make him feel uncomfortable.

  Yet he sensed Glenda had something to say to him, so he just nodded.

  Summer slipped on her coat, buttoned the first few buttons, and, leaving it open over her stomach, she stepped out the door, then closed it behind her. Fingers of cold air crept along the floor, like a portent of things to come.

  Once she was gone, Glenda turned to Lucas, her hands clenched tightly on the table. Whatever she had to
say, Lucas could tell this would be difficult for her.

  “I had a lot on my mind while the minister was preaching,” Glenda said. Her voice was quiet and subdued. She kept her eyes focused on some point just past him. As if she was going back in her memories.

  “I know you’ve struggled with the fact that after your parents’ death, I brought you to the Tye ranch.” Her voice faltered, and she stopped, pulling a long, slow breath. She took a few moments, as if to gather her thoughts and her composure, then continued, “I took you there because I was already an old woman, an impatient old woman, and I knew I couldn’t take care of you. I knew I couldn’t give you the love you needed. I knew the Tye family had taken other kids in, and I called Grace the day after your parents’ funeral to talk to her. She told me to bring you over, that she would take care of everything.” Glenda paused again, her lips pressed together. She blinked, and Lucas was surprised to see the track of moisture drifting down her cheek. “I know that was selfish, and maybe I should have tried to take care of you, but I was in such deep grief and denial. I had lost my only child. The only person I had truly loved. My own parents were decent people, but I knew I was a mistake. I found out later that they never wanted children. When I got pregnant out of wedlock, they were only too happy to wash their hands of me. But I worked hard, and I poured all my love into your mother. She became everything to me. So losing her—” Glenda's voice broke again, and her hands twisted around each other, as if she was trying to contain the emotions between her palms. “Losing her was so hard. And you look so much like her, I knew that seeing you every day would just remind me too much of her. I was an emotional wreck, and I knew you deserved more than someone so caught up in their own pain.”

  Her words battered at Lucas’s self-defense against her. While part of him wanted to reject her sorrow, ask her once again why she couldn’t get past her own grief and recognize his, he waited. He kept his words to himself, letting her finish.

  “Listening to the minister this morning reminded me of something I’ve needed to do for a long time.” She opened her hands, reached across the table, and took Lucas’s hand between hers. Her fingers were like icy talons, and Lucas almost recoiled. But he stopped when he looked into Glenda’s tear-filled eyes.