Diary of a Nerd King #3: Episodes 1 to 4

by Ballard, Matt

  Then there was the fire ants in the pants plan. That one would've been pretty hilarious to see too. It was a pretty simple plan. We sneak up on Bugster and the Turtle at their own school, and then we dump a bucket full of fire ants down each of their pants.

  For full effect, we would dump fire ants down the backs of their shirts too, just to make sure they got all over them and all through their clothes. The fact that we would do it at their own school would make it humiliating for them.

  Everyone would be laughing at them as they danced around smacking and hitting themselves trying to swat at the fire ants that were biting them everywhere, just like everyone at our school had been laughing at us when we showed up looking like over-sized blue Smurfs.

  Again, we had to rule that one out for a couple of basic reasons.

  One, we didn't have a clue where to find two huge buckets of fire ants.

  Two, we weren't sure we could sneak into their school, launch the fire ant attack, and get out without getting caught.

  The only thing worse than getting pranked bad by the knuckleheads would be having them laughing at us for getting caught trying to prank them, especially if we didn't even get them before getting caught.

  (I can see it now. Boogie and I, totally embarrassed because we get caught doing the prank, and then the police come and take us away in handcuffs. Bugster and the Turtle would be laughing their heads off).

  No, we had to come up with something REALLY awesome, something SO good that we'd be legends in the World of Pranks, Prankster Gods among the rest of the merely mortal pranksters.

  We HAD to get Bugster and the Turtle back, and we had to get them GOOD!

  Our reputations were on the line.

  Our honor was at stake.

  “Epic Teacher Pranks, Facebook, and Cow Kissing”

  Season 3 – Episode 302

  Written and Illustrated by

  Matt Ballard

  © Copyright Matt Ballard 2012

  All rights reserved.

  http://www.diaryofanerdking.com

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  Wednesday

  When I walked into Mr. Grimes’ class this morning, I was still pretty pre-occupied with figuring out how to get Bugster and the Turtle back. Boogie and I hadn't come up with anything better than the dog poo pit plan, and it was really bugging me.

  Mrs. Crankerwitz's voice came over the loudspeaker and got my attention though.

  "Mr. Grimes, telephone call on line 2. Mr. Grimes, telephone call on line 2."

  Mrs. Crankerwitz is the school secretary. I'm pretty sure she had her name changed to match her personality because she's probably the crankiest person I've ever met. Even over the loudspeaker calling Mr. Grimes, you could just feel the crankiness in her scratchy old voice, and it wasn't hard to imagine the cranky look on her stern looking face as she sat at her desk in the main office and paged Mr. Grimes.

  The kids started to whisper amongst themselves as Mr. Grimes looked up at the loudspeaker as if he was trying to decide what to do. He looked back at us kids, told us he'd be back in a few minutes, assigned us a couple questions to answer, and then hurried out the door.

  Once Mr. Grimes left, nobody bothered whispering anymore, and the volume rose as everyone started talking amongst themselves. Nobody was bothering to do the questions Mr. Grimes had left, except for Suzy Pringleton, who was one of those teacher's pet kids who ALWAYS did EVERYTHING they were told plus extra.

  (Suzy Pringleton should get a dog, or even a cat, if she likes pets so much. Being a teacher’s pet is just really annoying).

  A few minutes later, the door burst open and Ms. Bellaboo came rushing in with a big grin on her face. She held a finger up to her lips to signal everyone to be quiet as she went over to Mr. Grimes desk.

  All eyes were glued to her as she pulled one of those little USB flash sticks out of her pocket. She looked up at us and smiled mischievously as she stuck the USB stick into Mr. Grimes laptop which was sitting open on his desk where he'd left it.

  A few seconds later, Ms. Bellaboo started typing on the laptop, and then she pulled the USB stick back out of the laptop and stuck it in her pocket. Still grinning, she swirled the laptop around on the desk so that everyone could see it.

  It seemed like everyone let out a gasp at the same time when they saw the laptop. There, across the screen, was a huge crack! It was REALLY bad! It looked like it had splintered out in all directions the way a lightning bolt does so that it has mutiple lines at the ends.

  Mr. Grimes was going to be furious!

  And then, just when I was starting to panick thinking this wasn't going to go very well when Mr. Grimes returned, Ms. Bellaboo giggled and hit a key on the laptop and as if by magic, the screen returned to normal.

  No crack. No damage at all.

  Ms. Bellaboo giggled again and hit another key. Suddenly the huge crack was back.

  Ms. Bellaboo was pranking Mr. Grimes! She must've loaded some kind of picture or screensaver onto his laptop that made it look like his laptop screen was cracked.

  It was totally WICKED awesome!

  With a final mischievous grin, Ms. Bellaboo held her finger up to her lips once again and made a dramatic shushing sound before turning and disappearing out the door.

  I couldn't believe it. Ms. Bellaboo was pranking our teacher, and it was a good one at that! The crack on Mr. Grimes' laptop looked totally real. He was going to FREAK when he came back and saw it!

  The class started to whisper quietly amongst themselves, and then everybody went quiet as the door opened again and Mr. Grimes walked in.

  He looked at us as if checking to make sure that we were all there and that everyone was behaving themselves, and then he walked over to his desk where he normally stood when talking to the class.

  "That was really weird," he said as he stood in front of his desk. "I got down to the office to take the phone call Mrs Crankerwitz paged me for, and there was nobody on the phone. They must've hung up or been disconnected."

  Mr. Grimes scratched his head as if the whole thing had been a little puzzling, and then looked across the room at us. We were probably all looking at him funny. Everyone was waiting to see what happened when he looked down and saw his laptop screen, so he might've felt something was up.

  (Why do grown-ups always looks up when they scratch their heads? Are they trying to see into the back of their brains or something?)

  He looked at us for a minute, almost as if he could tell something was going on but couldn’t quite figure out what, and then asked if we'd finished the questions he'd assigned to us before he left.

  Nobody said anything. All eyes were on Mr. Grimes, watching to see when he noticed his laptop and not wanting to miss his reaction when he did.

  And then it happened. Mr. Grimes glanced down at his desk, and his eyes stopped at the laptop. It was EPIC! His eyes went so wide, they practically popped right out of his head. The look on his face was priceless.

  (Epic might be my new favorite word. It sounds pretty wicked awesome when you say it. For example, instead of saying my drawings are wicked awesome, I might start saying my drawings are epic!)

  It took a minute before he looked up again, and when he did, his eyes searched across the faces of us kids like a hawk flying high in the sky looking for a mouse to swoop down on.

  "Does somebody want to tell me what happened to my laptop?" he finally asked.

  Nobody said a word. Some of us stared back at him. Some stared down at their desks unable to look into his eyes.

  "Well?" Mr. Grimes continued to stare across the class, his eyes narrowed a bit as if to help him see better so he could notice some telltale sign on the face of the guilty person.

  And then I couldn't take it
anymore, and I just burst out laughing.

  It was just too much. Quiet little Ms. Bellaboo of all people!

  Sneaking in and pulling a totally wicked awesome prank like this on Mr. Grimes.

  And the look on Mr. Grimes face as he stood at the front of the class trying to find out who had broken his laptop.

  Once I started laughing, it was like I was the first domino that starts the chain reaction. You know when you when set up a line of dominos so that when you push the first one over, it pushes the second one, and then the next, and the next?

  Well a couple more kids started laughing when they heard me start, and then a few more followed after they started laughing, and pretty soon the whole class room was in stitches.

  Poor Mr. Grimes looked kind of puzzled at first, and then it looked like he was starting to get upset. I mean, after all, he thought his laptop was broken, and here we were all laughing at him.

  I'm not sure what made him push a key on the keyboard. Maybe he was just trying not to lose it because all of us kids were laughing so hard, but the look that came across his face when he did was almost better than the look on his face when he saw the cracked screen in the first place.

  He stared at the laptop for minute, and then a smile slowly began to spread across his face as he realized he'd been pranked. A minute later and Mr. Grimes was laughing just as hard as the rest of us.

  (Mr. Grimes’ smile looked kinda like one of those yellow smiley face stickers. Simple and silly, but you can’t help smiling too when you see one.)

  Thursday

  When I told Boogie about Ms. Bellaboo's prank on Mr. Grimes yesterday, he was pretty impressed. I mean, it was one thing for us to be having a prank war with Bugster and the Turtle, but teachers pranking each other was a whole new level.

  Think about it. This is the type of stuff teachers are usually getting us kids in trouble for, and there's Ms. Bellaboo doing the very same thing!

  Kind of makes you respect her more. You at least have to give her credit for pulling such a cool prank on Mr. Grimes, right in the middle of class too!

  Boogie wondered if we could ask Ms. Bellaboo for some ideas on how to get Bugster and the Turtle back, but I didn't think that was such a good idea. No matter how good her prank was, she's still a teacher, and you just can't trust them when it comes to telling them stuff that might get you in trouble.

  I mean, maybe Ms. Bellaboo would be cool with it, but maybe she'd rat us out too.

  Doesn't matter anyways because I think I've got the ultimate payback prank to pull on Bugster and the Turtle. I ran my plan by Boogie, and he's pumped. He thinks it'll definitely one-up them for Smurfing us!

  We had to wait until after school before we could do it, so it felt like a really long day. You know how it is when you're excited to do something and time just seems to slow right down so that it seems like the waiting takes forever?

  When school finally got out, we headed straight over to Boogie's house where we logged onto Facebook. Boogie's actually Facebook friends with the Turtle so we were able to look at the Turtle's Facebook page, and even more importantly, paste on his wall!

  Next, we did a Google search and found a really good photo of a guy kissing a cow.

  You wouldn't believe how many photos there are of people kissing cows! There were so many it was actually hard to choose which one to use.

  Once we had the photo of a guy kissing a cow, we copied a few photos of the Turtle from his Facebook page. We were looking for ones where the Turtle was facing the same way as the guy kissing the cow, and there were a few that looked like they'd work.

  Then we opened up all the photos in Photoshop, and looked to see which one of the Turtle would work the best to superimpose over the guy kissing the cow. Boogie's really good at Photoshop, and he had it all set-up pretty quick.

  Next, Boogie did some Photoshop magic, and we were staring at a photo of the Turtle kissing a cow. I could hardly believe how good it looked!

  Seriously, Boogie is like a Photoshop wizard or something. He'll probably be able to get a wicked awesome job doing Photoshop stuff when he's older.

  With the photo of the Turtle kissing a cow done, we just had to add the finishing touch. A love poem to the cow from the Turtle. I did most of the writing on the poem, and I think it's pretty awesome if I do say so myself!

  Bessie, My Bovine Love

  by Danny "the Turtle" Frederici

  My beautiful Bessie,

  my darling, my love.

  Your swollen udders

  give milk from above.

  When your big wet nose,

  presses up against mine

  My heart pitter patters,

  time after time.

  When I gaze into,

  your big brown eyes

  It feels just like I,

  am in paradise.

  Those good looking hooves,

  those pretty black spots

  It's no wonder that I,

  have got the hots.

  For my beautiful Bessie,

  such a gorgeous cow

  Every time I look at her,

  my heart goes WOW!

  I can't stop laughing. This is gonna be wicked awesome! Even now when I'm reading it, I'm cracking up! This is going to go viral on Facebook, and the Turtle is going to be the laughing stock of his school.

  We inserted the photo of the Turtle kissing a cow, and then copied and pasted the poem right below it. Boogie looked at me with a smirk on his face, and then pushed the "POST" button with a click of his mouse.

  (When you hit “POST” on Facebook, it’s like an epic moment where you’re reaching out to the entire world and telling them something.)

  It was LIVE! Everyone on the Turtle's list of Facebook friends was gonna see it now!

  All it would take is for a few people to "SHARE" it on their Facebook pages too, and then it would start going viral. The Turtle could end up being a world-wide sensation in a matter of hours without even knowing it.

  How funny would that be! And to think he'd be famous for being the guy that was in love with a cow was just TOO MUCH!

  Boogie and I were basking in the glow of our own brilliance, laughing and congratulating ourselves on how awesome our prankster prowess was, when it occurred to us that we still had to get Bugster.

  One down, one to go.

  Now we just had to think up something for Bugster as wicked awesome as we had for the Turtle. Time to put our heads together once again.

  (If the whole cow kissing thing goes viral and gets really BIG, we could probably make a fortune selling cow buttons.)

  Friday

  When I met up with Boogie on the way to school this morning, he told me that the cow picture and poem had been shared on Facebook at least ten times that he'd seen, and that was only the people he was friends with.

  If it had been shared that many times among Boogie's friends, imagine how many times it had been shared amongst all the kids in our neighborhood, or even in our whole city!

  Or our whole State!

  Or the whole country!

  It was possible that the Turtle was the laughing stock of the entire United States of America right at this very moment as we were on our way to school!

  Maybe even the whole world!

  As pumped as we felt about getting the Turtle so good, we still kept an eye out for him and Bugster as we walked, not wanting to get pranked again before we'd even had a chance to get Bugster as well.

  As it turned out, we made it to school without any sign of them, same as yesterday morning.

  Still it was important to keep our guard up all the same. This was a STATE OF WAR after all!

  In first period, I was actually a little surprised to over-hear a couple of kids talking about the cow kissing photo of the Turtle. I mean, it was one thing to see it being shared on Facebook, but it was a whole new level of awesome to hear kids talking about it in class!

  If the kids at my school were already talking about it, I could only imagi
ne how many kids were talking about it at Bugster and the Turtle's school this morning!

  I could just see it now. The smart remarks. The snickering in the halls as he walked by. The notes passed in class about the Turtle's cow infatuation.

  It would be priceless to be a fly on the wall over there and see it for myself!