Diary of a Nerd King #3: Episodes 1 to 4

by Ballard, Matt

  Better yet, how awesome would it be if we could get some video for our YouTube channel. That would go viral in no time!

  (There’s a lot of times I’d like to be a fly on the wall to hear what’s going on, but if I was, I’d have to be really careful. Imagine getting hit with a fly swatter!)

  Speaking of which, Boogie and I really need to get some more videos up and work on our YouTube show if we're ever going to be YouTube millionaires. It's hard enough to find the time to get stuff done, and that was before this whole war between us and Bugster and the Turtle.

  Now it's even worse, and we still have to think up something to get Bugster back too! Maybe I should start video-taping this stuff, and then it'll be like we're killing two birds with one stone.

  We'll get Bugster back, AND we'll have an awesome new video for our YouTube channel.

  (I think they must’ve made up that saying about killing two birds with one stone BEFORE the game Angry Birds came out, but it almost makes more sense NOW after Angry Birds has been out.)

  That would almost be like Bugster and the Turtle were helping to make us rich! Kind of like the ultimate prank because not only do we get them back, Boogie and I also make tons of cash in the process!

  How wicked awesome are we!

  Diary of a Nerd King

  “Brussell Sprouts, Ding Dongs, and Wheelchair Racing”

  Season 3 – Episode 303

  Written and Illustrated by

  Matt Ballard

  © Copyright Matt Ballard 2012

  All rights reserved.

  http://www.diaryofanerdking.com

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  Saturday

  I went over to Boogie's today to try and figure out what we were going to do for a prank on Bugster. We also thought we should probably get some work done on our YouTube show, which might actually work out great if we can use the prank on the show.

  Boogie suggested we do some "prank research" online, and of course, what better place to do research than YouTube? Especially when it comes to pranks! There's millions of them on there.

  A lot of the pranks were ones we would never do because they were either WAY TOO mean or WAY TOO dangerous.

  EdBassMaster does a lot of cool prank videos on his YouTube channel. His drive-thru pranks are pretty funny! You should check them out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgRs3Bca9tI

  (I’m not sure what Ed’s last name means. I’ve never heard of anyone having the last name “Bassmaster” before. Maybe it means he’s the master of Bass fishing.)

  The first drive-thru he goes through, the guy keeps asking Ed what he wants, and all Ed says is "Lemme Get..." over and over and over again. The guy at the drive-thru doesn't know what to do!

  The next drive-thru he goes through is even funnier!

  Ed just keeps singing BA - BA-BA - BA-BA-BA - BA-BA" when the drive-thru dude asks him a question. Then Ed keeps singing "Ding-da-da-Ding-da-Dang-Dang-Dang" and stuff like that. The drive-thru dude just stands there staring at him, not sure what to do. It's pretty funny!

  (The guy at the drive-thru must have thought Ed was a little "ding-da-da-ding", like he had a bell ringing in his head that was making him act like a Ding-Dong.)

  Most of Ed's videos are hilarious, but we couldn't really see how we could use any of them on the Bugster. I guess we could maybe do some prank phone calls on him, but that wasn't something that everybody would see and laugh at.

  Boogie and I wanted something to get Bugster back for Smurfing us with the balloons filled with blue dye, and we wanted something just as, or even more, publicly embarrassing.

  It ended up actually being a commercial that gave me an awesome idea.

  Normally we try to skip over commercials, or at least ignore them because they're SO boring, but this one made a light bulb go off in my head.

  The commercial was for those adult diapers that some old people have to wear. You've probably seen the commercial or one similar to it anyways.

  (I started making a list of all the things old people and babies have in common. Old people and babies don't have much hair. They don't have many teeth either. They both like to sleep a lot, and of course, the diaper thing.)

  In the commercial, an old lady is smiling and laughing, the sun is shining, the birds are singing. You'd think it was the best thing in the whole world to wear diapers!

  Actually, I bet they'd be pretty cool to wear to an amusement park. You could have fun all day without stopping, riding the roller coasters, drinking tons of pop, eating what you want. Any time you had to go to the bathroom, you could just go right there in your diaper.

  Or if you were in a drinking contest to see who could drink the most soda pop without going to the bathroom. If nobody knew you had an adult diaper on, you could just keep drinking and drinking and drinking and win the contest!

  (You could drink the HUGEST Soda in the world and just pee in your pants and nobody would know IF you had a diaper on!)

  I guess the down-side of that would be that you might start to get pretty smelly, especially if you went number two. You know, like when a baby has a full diaper and you get a wiff of it all of a sudden.

  I sure wouldn't want to try it if Jordan was with me!

  Anyways, the adult diaper commercial gave me an idea. The commercial said you could order them by dialing the number on the screen and they would send you a sample box of adult diapers at no charge.

  I wrote the number down quickly before the commercial ended and smiled as my plan took shape in my mind. Boogie looked at me kind of funny, so I decided it was time to let him in on my brilliant plan, and a moment later, Boogie and I were laughing hysterically at the thought of what we were going to do to Bugster.

  Monday

  When Boogie and I got outside at lunch today, all the kids were gathered in the parking lot looking at something. Naturally, we went over to see what was going on.

  It turned out they were all gathered around and staring at Ms. Bellaboo's car. As Boogie and I worked our way closer through the crowd, we soon saw why.

  Ms. Bellaboo's car was full to the brim with those little white styrofoam packing peanuts. You know. The kind that they use to make sure nothing gets damaged when you order something that comes through the mail or by courier?

  Well, Ms. Bellaboo's car was full of them! You couldn't see anything but white inside. It was full right to the very top of the roof. There was no space left at all! Nothing but a sea of millions of little white pieces of styrofoam.

  Boogie and I looked at each other, and then back at Ms. Bellaboo's car, and then back at each other. A smile spread across our faces as we realized who had to be the prankster behind this.

  Mr. Grimes!

  (Mr. Grimes and Ms. Bellaboo are good, but I don't think they could beat the Joker from Batman. He's like the ULTIMATE PRANKSTER!)

  After Ms. Bellaboo's laptop prank that she pulled on him, this must be his revenge.

  And it was pretty awesome too!

  I had no idea how Mr. Grimes had gotten all those styrofoam packing peanuts into Ms. Bellaboo's car, but I had to hand it to him. It was one WICKED AWESOME payback prank!

  I honestly wouldn't have thought Mr. Grimes had it in him. He sure didn't seem like the prankser genius type.

  Then again, neither did Ms. Bellaboo, and the laptop prank she'd pulled on Mr. Grimes had been totally awesome too!

  Who would've thought that two of our teachers were such awesome pranksters?

  The crowd suddenly went quiet and an opening appeared as people stepped back to make way for someone.

  Ms. Bellaboo walked up to her car and stopped. She stood there for a moment with her hands on her hips, and then a big smile spread across her face.

  A moment la
ter she started laughing.

  She laughed harder and harder, until the tears fell down her cheeks. The sound of laughter was suddenly much louder as the crowd of kids started laughing too.

  It was infectious.

  Soon everyone was laughing just as hard as Ms. Bellaboo. Boogie and I were laughing too. I caught sight of Mr. Grimes on the other side of the crowd, and he was laughing almost as hard as Ms. Bellaboo.

  After a few minutes, the laughter started to die down, the way it does when you've been laughing so hard you almost have to stop just so you can catch your breath.

  Mr. Grimes had made his way around the car until he was standing beside Ms. Bellaboo. He still had a big grin on his face, so big in fact that it seemed to stretch right from one ear to the other.

  And then Ms. Bellaboo reached out and put her hand on the doorhandle of her car. Smiling at Mr. Grimes over her shoulder, she pulled the door open and a white wave of packing peanuts spilled out of the car and all around her.

  She reached down, cupped her hands together, and tossed a bunch at Mr. Grimes. Next thing I knew, the laughter had started up again and everyone was throwing packing peanuts at each other. You could hardly see a foot in front of you. It was one big flurry of white styrofoam flying everywhere.

  When it was over and everyone had exhausted themselves, there were little white peanuts everywhere.

  They were in people's hair. They were clinging to everyone's clothes. They were all over the ground.

  They were even on the cars that were parked around Ms. Bellaboo's.

  Mr. Grimes got everyone's attention with a loud whistle. "OK people! We've had our fun. Now it's time to clean up. Everyone start picking up all the styrofoam peanuts you can and put them in the garbage bags I'm passing out."

  Mr. Grimes pulled out a roll of garbage bags that had been sticking out of his coat pocket and started passing them out as kids began picking up the peanuts.

  Surprisingly enough, with everyone chipping in, it actually didn't take that long to clean them all up.

  A few minutes later there were several big garbage filled to the brim and pretty much all of the packing peanuts were cleaned up. There was the odd one still in someone's hair or stuck to someone's back, but for the most part, they were all in the garbage bags.

  I had to hand it to Mr. Grimes. Not only had he pulled off an awesome prank on Ms. Bellaboo, but he planned it really well too. Thinking to bring the garbage bags, and then getting the kids involved was sheer genius. He'd basically recruited his own clean-up crew!

  Tuesday

  Today didn't go so well. My brilliant plan to pull a fantastic prank on Bugster didn't work.

  I'm pretty bummed out about it actually. It was awesome and would've been so funny if it had gone down like it was supposed to.

  The plan was to send Bugster a box of adult diapers at school. I was going to call the toll free number I wrote down from the commercial and get them to send a sample box to be delivered personally to the Bugster at his school.

  It would've been EPIC!

  I was going to make sure the delivery instructions told the delivery guy to make sure he left the box outside of Bugster's locker so that everybody that walked down the hallway could see them sitting there.

  It would've gone viral in seconds!

  Everybody in Bugster's school would be talking about the fact that Bugster wore adult diapers!

  Somebody would probably take a picture with their cell phone, which would then get texted all around to everybody, and probably end up on the internet. It would probably get pasted to Facebook too, and then there would've been no telling how far it would've spread.

  Bugster would've been TOTALLY pranked. He would've been famous for being the kid who wore adult diapers!

  Totally EPIC!

  Except, it wasn't going to happen. When I called the number from the commercial, I ran into a couple of snags right away.

  The first one was my mistake. When the lady on the phone asked me for my name, I gave her Bugster's name because obviously that's who I wanted the diapers sent to. My mistake was saying Bugster instead of using his real name, Johnny Marshman.

  The lady on the phone seemed to get a little suspicious after, even though I quickly told her I meant to say Johnny Marshman, not Bugster. I guess there aren't too many senior citizens that order adult diapers with nicknames like Bugster.

  The second snag came when the lady asked me for the address to send the sample box of diapers to.

  When I told her the name and address of Bugster's school, she sounded even more suspicious. I guess there aren't too many senior citizens asking to have their adult diapers sent to a public school.

  (It was like she could see me over the phone and thought I looked like a suspicious looking character. You know, like the ones you see in the movies that you just know are going to do something not good.)

  Even after these first couple of snags, I thought I was still going to pull it off because the lady was still on the phone, and it seemed like she was still going to send the order even though she sounded suspicious. I think the thing that finally wrecked it was the whole credit card issue.

  After we got past the name and address, she told me that they needed my credit card number to finish the order.

  I asked her why I needed a credit card number if it was supposed to be a free sample, and she said the diaper sample was free, but they need a credit card number to verify my information.

  That sounded a little fishy. I'm not sure if she was just making that up because I'd told her my name was Bugster, or maybe because the address I gave was a school, but I think she might've be on to me at that point.

  In any case, I was stuck. I don't have a credit card. I'm just a kid! So I didn't have a credit card number to give her, and I couldn't think of how to get around it.

  I ended up telling her I didn't have it with me at the moment, and that I'd call her back to complete the order. She thanked me and said that was no problem, but she had that kind of satisfied, "ah ha, I got you" kind of tone to her voice, so I think she knew I wasn't going to be calling back.

  So now we're back to square one. We still have to get Bugster, and we don't have a plan. It really stinks because the adult diaper prank would've been hilarious!

  Wednesday

  I can't believe it! This is just totally NOT cool. We haven't even got Bugster back yet for turning Boogie and I into a pair of blue Smurfs, and they've got us again!

  I got home from school today and my Mom was beaming at me, all smiles and hugs. Obviously I knew something was up, even though I didn't know what.

  Then she started gushing about how proud she was of me, and what a fantastic thing I'd done.

  Now I was really getting worried. I hadn't done anything that I knew of to get her so happy and gushy, so I was a little scared to find out exactly what was going on. Surprises can be great, but I was already thinking this one wasn't going to be.

  You know how it is. If it's something your parents are excited about, there's a good chance it's not something that you are going to be excited about. Like when you come home for dinner and your Mom is excited because she's prepared fresh brussel sprouts.

  YUCK!

  I don't know how ANY adult thinks brussel sprouts are exciting or taste good! I also don't know ANY kids that like them.

  They stink.

  They taste gross.

  And they stink. (I mentioned the stink part twice because they REALLY stink!)

  And they taste gross. (I mentioned the taste gross part twice because they REALLY taste GROSS!)

  (Brussell Sprouts are like the monsters of the vegetable world. They look innocent at first, until they roar up on your plate and try to over-come you with their gross'ness and stink!)

  But as bad as brussel sprouts are, I really wish that was what Mom was excited about instead of what I found out next.

  Turns out that sinister duo, Bugster and the Turtle, had struck again. And this time they'd got us REALLY goo
d.

  Honestly, I can't even believe Bugster and the Turtle are this smart. It's almost like they have some genius prank master telling them what to do or something.

  Mom got a call from the Shady Pines Nursing Home this afternoon. They were calling to thank me for volunteering to visit with the seniors and to confirm when I would like to start.