Diary of a Nerd King #3: Episodes 1 to 4

by Ballard, Matt

  Apparently, I had called to volunteer two evenings a week to visit with the seniors, read to them, and help out around the nursing home. Even worse, I was supposed to go for 4 hours each evening!

  I knew right away had happened as soon as Mom told me about the phone call.

  First of all, I sure hadn't volunteered at the Shady Pines, so it was obviously someone impersonating me.

  Second of all, the lady that called Mom said it would be great if I could bring my school paper on Bugs and Turtles to read out loud to the seniors. She said she thought they would find it really interesting.

  I had to hand it to Bugster and the Turtle. This was deviously smart. With a single phone call impersonating me, they'd got me REALLY good.

  TWO nights a week!

  FOUR hours each night!

  (I guess Boogie and I could always do something cool like organize wheelchair races at the nursing home. Might make for some pretty cool YouTube videos!)

  And then mentioning a school paper on Bugs and Turtles. What a perfectly subtle way to let me know this was they're doing, almost like a secret prank signature that only I would get.

  I was fuming about the whole idea of having to spend two whole nights a week hanging out at the nursing home, but I also grudgingly had to admit that the whole thing was pretty genius on Bugster and Turtle's part.

  We hadn't even figured out how to get Bugster back yet for the first prank, and they'd already struck again with an even more awesome prank.

  After I was able to finally escape Mom's hugs and gushing about how proud she was of me, I grabbed the cordless phone and headed into my room to call Boogie. I had to let him know that Bugster and the Turtle had struck again. We HAD to come up with something RIGHT AWAY to get them back!

  Boogie answered the phone on the first ring. He said he was just about to call me, and that I was never going to believe what had just happened.

  I told him to hang on a minute because he wasn't going to believe what had just happened to me either.

  Boogie cut me off and said it couldn't be more crazy than what had just happened to him.

  I disagreed and started to cut in to tell him what had happened, but he didn't stop talking and the two of us were going on excitedly into the phone with neither of the other hearing a word the other one said.

  Finally we both stopped to catch our breath, and I was able to start over again before Boogie could cut me off.

  There was silence for a moment after I finished telling Boogie what happened with me being volunteered at the nursing home.

  I asked him if he was still there as I couldn't hear anything on the other end.

  He said yes and told me that at least I wouldn't be doing the volunteering at the nursing home by myself.

  I asked him what he meant by that, and that's when he told me that Bugster and the Turtle had got him too. Pretty much the same thing had happened to him when he got home from school, gushing Mom and everything.

  I had to laugh. Mostly because there wasn't anything else I could do.

  Those evil super-villians Bugster and the Turtle had got us both. I should've known. If it worked on one of us, then of course they'd try it on both of us.

  (It was like Bugster and the Turtle were turning into the Lord Voldemort of pranksters.)

  The only thing I can say is that, no matter what, 100 per cent for sure, without a doubt, we HAVE TO GET THOSE GUYS BACK!!!

  Diary of a Nerd King

  “Flying Monkey Poo, Boogie Men, and Heart Attacks"

  Season 3 – Episode 304

  Written and Illustrated by

  Matt Ballard

  © Copyright Matt Ballard 2012

  All rights reserved.

  http://www.diaryofanerdking.com

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  Thursday

  Boogie and I start volunteering at the Shady Pines Nursing Home tonight. I'm still pretty mad about the whole thing and so is Boogie, but we can't really see any way out of it.

  I went over to Boogie's last night to try and figure out a SUPER ULITIMATE REVENGE PAYBACK PRANK to get Bugster and the Turtle with, but we didn't really come up with anything, at least not anything we can use anyways.

  (I found this comic online where the worm is dressed up like an executioner from the old days where they chop off people's heads, except it's funny because there's a bird on the chopping block. Birds are always eating worms, so this time the worm gets the ULTIMATE REVENGE! We need something like this for Bugster and the Turtle. I mean, we don't want to kill them of course! But we do want a SUPER ULTIMATE REVENGE PAYBACK PRANK!!!)

  We watched a whole lot more pranks on Youtube trying to come up with something, but mostly we just managed to waste a couple of hours laughing at all the videos.

  Oh, there were some really good ones, but none of them were stuff we could do to Bugster and the Turtle.

  I mean, I'd love to do something WICKED AWESOME like release a whole troop of monkeys in Bugster or the Turtle's house, but how are we gonna pull something like that off?

  First of all, there's the problem of getting a whole troop of monkeys. It's not like you can just go down to the mall and rent one.

  (How awesome would it be if there was a Monkey Rentals Store where you could go rent a whole troop of monkeys! I can think a zillion pranks I could do with a troop of monkeys! We'd be famous on YouTube for sure!!!)

  The only place I can think of that even has a troop of monkeys is the zoo, and I'm pretty sure they don't let people borrow them to pull pranks.

  And even if we could find a troop of monkeys, how would we get them into Bugster or the Turtle's house? Neither Boogie or I are old enough to drive, and it's not like we could just ask our parents to give us a ride.

  I can see it now! "Mom, can you give Boogie and I a ride over to Bugster's house? And oh yeah, we have to pick up a troop of monkeys too."

  That would go over really well! Like Mom would be OK with driving us and a WHOLE troop of monkeys over to Bugster's house!

  Besides, I'm not really sure I'd want to ever sit in our car again after a whole troop of monkeys had been in there. Have you ever seen them at the zoo? They poop anywhere they feel like it, and they poop a lot!

  I've even watched them fling poo at each other! It's was like they thought poo flinging was a game.

  (One time when I was at the zoo, I actually saw a monkey throw a poop at another monkey. He hit him right in the head, and it stuck there! Even better, the monkey that got hit just left the poo there on his head! He seemed to think it was just as funny as the monkey that threw it at him.)

  I can just imagine how stinky our car would be after a whole troop of monkeys had been pooping in it. Plus, I'd probably be the one that would have to clean it all up. That's not exactly how I want to end up spending my Saturday afternoon!

  Friday

  So it turns out volunteering at Shady Pines Nursing Home isn't so bad after all. Some of the seniors down there are actually pretty cool.

  Of course, you have to be able to get past the smell when you first walk in. It's kinda like a combination of dirty diapers and strong disinfectant cleaner. If you've ever been to a nursing home, you know what I'm talking about.

  My first thought was I might have to wear a clothes peg on my nose while I'm at Shady Pines, but then I realized that just wasn't practical.

  (Even a fart would probably want to put a clothespeg on it's nose. You know it's smelly if a fart has to plug it's nose!)

  I mean, first of all, that's probably going to hurt after a minute or two, and second of all, I wasn't going to look too cool walking around with a clothes peg on my nose. Not exactly the kind of thing that will make my cool status go up.

  It's not really an issue anyways
because once you've been there for a few minutes, you don't really notice the smell anymore. I'm not saying it's something you actually start to like. More like something you just forget about after a while.

  When Boogie and I first go there, Mrs. Stevenson took us for a tour to show us around Shady Pines. She's the Administrator or something like that. Basically, I think she's the big cheese in charge of everything at Shady Pines.

  (I'm not really sure where the saying "The Big Cheese" comes from. I mean, I know what it means and all, but I just don't know how somebody ever got the idea to call their boss "The Big Cheese."

  She was pretty cool though. She showed us all around Shady Pines, and when we got to the kitchen, she let Boogie and I have a jello desert. Man, you wouldn't believe how many flavors of jello they have!

  Apparently jello is like the most popular desert at Shady Pines. Mrs. Stevenson said that's because a lot of the seniors don't have many teeth left, and jello is easy to eat.

  They also had tapioca, which is apparently pretty popular at Shady Pines too. It's soft and easy to eat, but it looks like fish eyes and feels like you're chewing on fish eyes too when you eat it, so Boogie and I just stuck with the jello.

  (It's hard to think about eating Tapioca when it looks like a million fish eyes are looking back at you from the bowl. Makes you wonder if there's a half a million fish somewhere with no eyes!)

  When Mrs. Stevenson showed us the games room, Boogie and I were both pretty impressed. They had a lot of old people games like shuffleboard and crokinole, but they also had some pretty cool stuff like some Nintendo Wii stations set up to play different sports and exercise games.

  Mrs. Stevenson says the Wii is really popular with the seniors and it's a good way for them to get the exercise they need. Boogie and I were excited because we figured it'd be not so bad if we just spent all our time at Shady Pines playing Nintendo Wii with the seniors.

  If you think about it, there probably isn't anyone here who could beat us, so we'd be like the reigning Wii champions of Shady Pines in no time. All the seniors will probably be trying to get us to give them tips on how to beat each other.

  After the games room, we took a quick tour of the basement. Pretty much the only thing down there was the utility room where the furnace and water pipes and stuff were, and oh yeah... the BIGGEST laundry room Boogie and I had EVER seen!

  (Yeah, it was the kind of basement you could imagine a big, scary Boogie Man hiding in (the monster kind, not my friend Boogie), but I didn't see one while we were down there. Of course, that's the thing about Boogie Men. They're always hiding so they can jump out and scare you when you least expect it.)

  Let me tell you, if I thought I needed a close peg on my nose when I first walked into Shady Pines, I was TOTALLY DYING for one now! I don't know how the people working in there do it. That had to be the worst smell ever!

  It was like sticking your head in a diaper pail and having some close the lid on it while your head was still inside.

  Mrs. Stevenson kinda chuckled when she saw the looks on our faces. She said that most people take a little while to get used to the smell, but that you didn't really notice it after a while.

  I'm not sure what's the matter with her nose, but I know one thing. I would NEVER get used to that smell! It's a good thing Boogie and I aren't volunteering in the laundry room, or I wouldn't be lasting very long at Shady Pines.

  We were just getting back upstairs after finishing our tour with Mrs. Stevenson when things got a little crazy. A frazelled voice came over the intercom announcing that there was a "Code" in the games room.

  Boogie and I didn't know what that meant, but Mrs. Stevenson took off like a shot. Not knowing what else to do, we just followed her to see what all the excitement was about.

  When we got to the games room, we soon found out that it was Mr. Hankerson who was coding. We also learned that in nursing talk, "code" or "coding" means that some is having a heart attack.

  The funny thing was that as soon as Mrs. Stevenson heard it was Mr. Hankerson, or "Old Man Hankerson" as we later found out he liked to be referred to, she slowed right down and didn't look all that worried anymore. In fact, she kinda looked a little annoyed.

  Old Man Hankerson was in the center of the games room, leaning back in a chair with his hands clutched at his chest like he was trying to grab his heart or something. His face was all screwed up in agony, and he was moaning loudly as we followed Mrs. Stevenson over.

  Mrs. Stevenson stopped in front of Old Man Hankerson, put her hands on her hips, and stared for a moment before addressing the nurse that was trying to help him.

  "Stella, what's the situation here?" she asked, looking at nurse Stella as she tried to help Old Man Hankerson.

  "He says he's having a heart attack," Stella said, glancing up at Mrs. Stevenson as she did her best to help Mr. Hankerson.

  (I've always thought "Heart Attack" is a funny word. I mean, really if you think about it, a heart attacking would be a heart attacking you, maybe with a knife or a gun or something. Maybe both!)

  "Is that true Mr. Hankerson? Are you having heart trouble?"

  Mrs. Stevenson looked at Old Man Hankerson as she asked the question. I was kinda surprised she was asking the question and not trying to help nurse Stella because it seemed pretty obvious he was having a heart attack.

  "My heart..." Old Man Hankerson managed to mumble in between moans. "Hurts real bad."

  Mrs. Stevenson just continued to stand there and stare at Old Man Hankerson while he continued to moan and clutch at his chest.

  I was getting a little nervous, and so was Boogie. Why wasn't she trying to help? I was thinking somebody better do something before Old Man Hankerson died right in front of us when all of a sudden Mr. Hankerson broke out into loud cackling laughter.

  "Ha!" he laughed. "Got ya again!"

  Mrs. Stevenson just continued to stand there with her hands on her hips, and nurse Stella was looking annoyed now too. Old Man Hankerson was still cackling away, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he was the only one laughing.

  (I have to admit, I was laughing a little inside my head. I mean, Mr. Hankerson got Nurse Stella pretty good. She sure looked pretty panicked when we got there.)

  "I'm glad you think this is funny Mr. Hankerson because nobody else here does," said Mrs. Stevenson firmly as she stared at Old Man Hankerson. "I'm getting tired of having to speak to you about this. What are you going to do when you actually have a heart attack and nobody comes to help you because you've pulled these stunts so many times?"

  Old Man Hankerson looked her straight in the eye and stopped his cackling. "Well I'll just up and die then, won't I!" he roared. "Just up and die. Can't do nothing about it anyways when your time comes. Ain't that right boys!"

  He was staring right at Boogie and I when he said that last part which caught us both off guard. Not sure what to say, we just stood there looking at him.

  (Yup. He caught me off guard. I'm going to half to speak to my guard and find out why I'm always getting caught "off guard" like that. What's the point of having a guard anyways if he's always getting caught off?)

  "Don't you mind Mr. Hankerson boys," Mrs. Stevenson said. "He thinks he's quite the comedian, but he never seems to clue into the fact that he's the only one that finds his little jokes funny."

  Old Man Hankerson cackled again at Mrs. Steveson's comment.

  "Don't pay any attention to her boys. Don't pay any attention. If you can't laugh at life, it's gonna be mighty depressing boys. Mighty depressing. And when you get to be as old as me, the only thing you have left is to have a good laugh. Let go of that, and there's nothing left. Nothing left boys!"

  Mr. Hankerson smiled as he spoke, his blue eyes smiling too as he looked at Boogie and I. I think it was right then when I realized I was going to like Old Man Hankerson.

  Mrs. Steveson got paged to deal with something else right at that point, but before she left, she paused and looked at Boogie and I and then Mr. Hankerson. A
minute later she nodded as if making up her mind about something.

  "Why don't you two stay here and get to know Mr. Hankerson better while I go and see what they need me for now?"

  Boogie and I nodded and said that was fine. I think we were both pretty curious to see what else Old Man Hankerson had to say.

  As Mrs. Stevenson walked away, Boogie and I sat down close to Mr. Hankerson. He looked us both over for a moment, and then smiled.