Embrace the Moment

by Andrea Michelle

  I don’t know what time it is when I jolt awake and hear Riley obviously suffering from a nightmare.

  She is whimpering and mumbling incoherent words, but I distinctly hear her say, ‘Josh how could you?’ My stomach twist with what she could be dreaming about.

  I flip the lamp on her nightstand and try to wake her. “Riley? Baby, wake up, you’re having a bad dream,” I speak softly in her ear.

  She gasps for air and sits up startled.

  “Josh?” she asks blinking her eyes rapidly.

  “Yeah, baby. It’s me. You’re shaking, and you’re drenched in sweat. Jesus, that must have been some dream. Are you okay?” I ask her concerned.

  The strangest expression crosses her features when she looks at me. For a second, she looks angry, but then she wraps her arms around my neck and squeezes me tight to her. She is shivering, and a sheet of dampness covers her skin as I hold her. She doesn’t explain—her breathing slows and before I know it—she is asleep again. Rest for me doesn’t come as easy.

  CHAPTER 11

  Nightmares come in various ways. The kind where you are haunted lying in REM slumber—shaken to your core—waking up drenched in sweat, then the other kind—where an event in reality is so bad—you swear it is a nightmare. You wish someone would pinch you, and it all just go away.

  It’s just a fact—Josh and I will be apart for college. I have so many fears about this. I can’t even count them all. So many questions are swimming in my mind, my insecurity making me crazy. The worst one of all—what if Josh meets someone else? We haven’t had sex. We haven’t done anything sexually—and my fear is that he may have with Preslee—not sex, but other stuff. If I’m not satisfying him—just like I didn’t satisfy Dean, then he will find other ways. All I know is that I need to be stronger now than I ever have if I have any way of saving us and keeping him. But what if I can’t be?

  It must have been the last thing I thought, because my nightmare was about that very thing.

  I called Josh as I drove to his dorm to surprise him. I needed to hear his voice. I needed him.

  “Heeelllooo,” he answered slowly on a slur.

  “Josh?” I said, in a questioning tone feeling my throat tighten.

  “Oh baby, it’s you. God, I mish...miss you. I wish you were here.” He stuttered, and his speech seemed off.

  I could barely hear him over the loud music in the background. “Are you at a party?” I asked.

  “No, I’m in my truck. That is the radio. Just a sec and I will turn it down.”

  I heard a female giggle. “Shhhh...” Josh said, muffled away from the phone.

  “What was that?”

  “What was what?” he asked.

  “Don’t do that?” I snapped.

  “Do what?” he answered my question with a question again.

  “That. Answering my question with a question. I heard a girl giggle, Josh. Is someone with you?” I asked, feeling the pit in my stomach growing wider.

  His breathing was heavy and labored in the phone. “No, I’m alone, baby. It’s just you and me. God, I love your voice. Keep talking to me, baby,” he told me groaning in his throat.

  I wondered why he had made that sound as nausea swept over me.

  “Are you drunk?” I asked feeling pissed off and scared, because he just said he was in his truck, which meant he was driving. Didn’t he realize that was how my dad died, the reason his mom was gone?

  “Just buzzed...I’m good pretty girl. Tell me something sweet,” he said, with a heavy sigh.

  “I miss you, Josh.” I told him sweetly, but I wanted to scold him for driving intoxicated.

  “Ahhh...shit. I miss you too, baby.” He paused, and when he withdrawals a breath making a seething sound, my unease was intensified to the max. “Damn, just like that. Mmmm...Don’t stop,” he said groaning. My only thought was, ‘What the fucking hell?’

  “What? Who are you talking to?” I asked, feeling my skin prickle and the bile rise to my throat.

  “Huh? What?” he asked. I didn’t answer. I just listened—listened to his breathing as it increased in heaviness and intensity, listened as he threw me away. I felt sick. It just got worse with each wicked thing he said. “Oh yeah, baby, just like that. Jesus Christ, Riley. I love your mouth, baby. You’re so fucking good.” He rambled and then groaned loudly before he stopped. That pit swallowed me whole.

  My mouth? He was fucking my mouth? But I was in Texas, and he was there—in Louisiana. OH GOD!

  The darkness invaded me when an unfamiliar female voice that was definitely not mine was heard. “To get you to smile like that, baby, I will let you call me any name you want.”

  “Josh, what the fuck? Are you going to tell me you’re alone again? How could you?” I shouted into the phone, pulling over on the side of the road with silent tears streaming down my cheeks. My vision was blurred.

  “Riley? Baby...I...OH, SHIT!” he shouted, and I heard a crash as the phone went dead.

  “JOSH? JOSH? Are you there?” I shouted frantically.

  “JOSH? JOSH? JOSH?” He didn’t answer. Everything went black. My heart stopped beating. My heart just died because he was my heart. My world had ended. He’d cheated on me, and he’d driven drunk—he’d crashed. It was every fear wrapped into a dirty little box with a tainted bow of lies and betrayal.

  “Riley? Baby, wake up. You’re having a bad dream,” Josh says.

  I gasp for air and sit up startled.

  “Josh?” I ask blinking my eyes rapidly.

  “Baby, you’re shaking and you’re drenched in sweat. Jesus, that must have been some dream. Are you okay?” he asks me concerned.

  I feel discombobulated and bewildered. My heart sees him and is relieved that it was just a dream—my mind though—is pissed as hell at him for what he just did in my nightmare. Normally, my mind would win out, but my heart needs him. My heart loves him. I throw my arms around his neck, and I wrap my body around his, squeezing him tightly to me.

  He just gently rubs my back and holds me. His heart beating—reminds me that he is here, and we are together—and that wasn’t real. The thumping beneath my cheek and his touch soothe me back to sleep where no more nightmares haunt me this time.

  “A’hem” I hear a throat clear, and realize the sun is filtering into my bedroom window. “A’hem” I hear the throat clear a second time, so I start to wiggle around, but I find that I can’t move.

  I’m too warm and feel a little smothered. I notice a muscled arm wrapped around me and feel that my legs are tangled with Josh’s legs. My shirt is still off, and one of his hands is on my breast under the blanket while the other has my back pulled to his front. Oh shit!

  I blink my eyes lazily as the third cleared throat alerts me that this throat clearing is definitely not that of Josh. I nudge him, and he groans in his throat, pulling me tighter to him. I feel him harden into my back and—oh.my.god.

  “Five more minutes. I’m so tired,” he mutters. Just damn—his voice in the morning is hoarse and sexy as hell. Involuntarily, I squirm which makes him push into my back and squeeze my breasts. Ah hell. I almost moan at the feel of him.

  “Your five minutes is up.” My mom’s voice booms from the door of my bedroom, causing Josh to jump up. This movement simultaneously removes my comforter completely from my bed, and exposes the fact that my shirt is off, and all I’m wearing are my pink panties.

  My mom’s eyes widen at the sight of her daughter like that. I hear giggling from my sister in the hallway. “To your room, Tatum,” she snaps at her.

  In between glaring at me, my mom frantically pulls open my dresser drawer, throwing several shirts of any kind at me to cover myself.

  Josh is wearing his running shorts, his chest heaving—it’s distracting. His eyes are wide like saucers looking back and forth from my mom to me. Every time he looks at me—he really looks at me and then looks at her apologetically. He is trying and failing so hard not to notice my practically naked body in front of him. My b
reasts were on display for him last night, but it was in the dark—I am one hundred percent visible for his eyes right now.

  I stand up and put one of the shirts on. Unfortunately, it isn’t a t-shirt and only covers my top. My panties are still very visible. “Jesus Christ,” my mom mutters.

  “I’m...I, uh...I’m sorry, Mrs. Shaw. This looks bad. Oh God, this looks bad. I swear we didn’t...ya know...we didn’t do...that.” He has his hand over his eyes so he can’t look at me. I can’t help that it makes me giggle a little at him, which of course makes my mom’s eyes cut to me immediately with a warning glare. I shut up.

  “Out!” She shouts at him, pointing her finger to the door.

  He pulls his hand down, and his eyes meet my lower half before looking to my eyes apologetically. He clears his throat. “Yes, ma’am,” he says, his voice croaking, and he practically runs out the door.

  My mom’s eyes are locked with mine in silence, until the front door shuts and the alarm chimes—then all hell breaks loose on me.

  “What in the world do you think you are doing, young lady? I find that I am a pretty reasonable mother when it comes to most things. I don’t give you a curfew. Your sister and you come and go as you please all the time. But I draw the line at boyfriends sleeping over, Riley Evelyn Shaw. I know he said y’all didn’t...do that...but you had no clothes on, and I’m no fool.”

  “We didn’t, Mom. I swear.” I try to interject her rant, but she isn’t done.

  “And in my house? For the love of all that is holy—if you end up pregnant like I did—I’m going to kill you,” she says.

  Now, I’m pissed. “Look, Mom, I’m sorry. We didn’t have sex. I promise, and no one is getting pregnant in your house,” I explain.

  She nods her head and stares at my bed with loathing. “So, you didn’t have sex last night? You were practically naked, Riley. I’m sure you did...something.”

  I shake my head and frown slightly. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish that we had done something. I do want to do lots of ‘something’s’ with Josh. “No, we didn’t. We kissed. We held each other—nothing else.” I tell her. Everything in her eyes tells me she doesn’t believe me and she isn’t at all convinced.

  “If you didn’t have sex last night, did you um...have sex any other night before last night?” she asks. She shifts her weight uncomfortably—and cue the talk.

  I walk to my dresser and bend over to pick out a pair of shorts to put on, when I turn around I see Josh sitting on his bed looking right into my window. He saw me bend over just now. My cheeks flush on the spot, and I clear my throat as I step into my shorts. When I look back up, he is no longer there. Did I imagine him watching me just now?

  Thankfully, my mom hadn’t seen him, but our windows are both still open, so if I didn’t imagine him, then I know he can hear every word we are saying unless we whisper—and we aren’t whispering.

  “No, mom. I’ve never had sex. I’m still a virgin, and I’ve never done the other ‘something’s’ I assume you are referring to. So stop worrying. Besides I’m eighteen today, so if I wanted to—,”

  “Do you want to?” She mutters in a soft voice, ignoring the fact that it’s my birthday.

  My eyes dart to hers, “Huh?” I ask, glancing at the window to see if Josh is listening. I don’t see him.

  “Do you want to have sex, Riley? It’s a simple question. Because if you are thinking about doing that...then I’d like to know, so I can talk to you about it. I know we have had many sex talks, and you know based on my own experience how one slip up can change your entire future, but I don’t want that to deter you from talking to me about it. I don’t want you to have sex, but I was your age once. So, answer me. Are you thinking about having sex with Josh?”

  Oh God. This is awkward.

  “Yes,” I answer truthfully. I know he is listening because I saw movement in his room, even though I can’t see him physically—he is there. “I want to have sex with Josh. Like I said, I’m eighteen, today. I’m on the pill for my period. I love him. He loves me. Our future belongs together. I don’t see me ever being with anyone else. So, yes, it’s weird telling you this...but it’s true. If the timing were right, and it felt like the right time, he would be the guy I want to share my first time with.”

  She smiles, and it confuses the hell out of me. “I appreciate your honesty. I’m not ready for you to be ready, sweetheart. I’m not ready for you to be graduating tonight, or for any of these changes to be taking place, or for you to be eighteen, today. OH, MY GOD! You’re eighteen today! It’s your birthday?! I forgot your birthday. What kind of mother does that?” Her eyes glass over, and she rubs her temples, wobbling a little to sit down on my bed.

  “Are you okay?” I ask her. “It’s okay, Mom.” I mean, it really isn’t but um, okay.

  She nods, “Just a little dizzy spell. I haven’t had breakfast yet. That’s all.” I notice she looks pale, and I begin to worry about her. She’s been getting dizzy a lot lately, suffering from headaches and bouts of nausea. It concerns me. “I can’t believe I forgot it’s your birthday,” she whispers, forlornly.

  My mom looks around my room like she is finally paying attention to something. She looks back at me and sighs. “You’re a strong girl, Riley. I just worry because I’m your mom. I can’t stop you from growing up. I always said when I became a mom that I wouldn’t react to these things the way my mom did. So I’m trying here—but this is hard.”

  “I know, Mom,” I whisper.

  “And, I forgot your birthday, so I’m going to go remedy that.” She pats my knee and goes to stand. She doesn’t move right away as she looks to be gaining her balance—again it concerns me. I just nod in response.

  After she gets to the door, I stop her. “Mom?”

  She turns to look at me, “Yes, dear?”

  “How will I know if it’s the right time?” I ask her. I genuinely wonder.

  She glances at the window and then to me as she shrugs. “You just will. It’s hard to explain. I’d prefer it be on your wedding day, and then it’s just obvious, because that is what happens next. But if not...just follow your heart—and be careful.” Then she leaves me sitting in my bed with a case of whiplash.

  My phone pings almost immediately.

  Josh: SORRY :(

  Me: NO WORRIES

  Josh: I’M GLAD YOU AREN’T IN TROUBLE

  He just gave himself away. He was listening which means he heard everything. I text him back.

  Me: ME TOO :)

  Josh: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRETTY GIRL x

  I smile and type my response.

  Me: AT LEAST YOU REMEMBERED :(

  Josh: :( THIS SHOULD CHEER YOU UP. I CAN’T GET THE IMAGE OF YOU OUT OF MY HEAD. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

  Damn.

  Me: *BLUSH TY - MY BED SMELLS LIKE YOU. I LIKE IT. ;)

  Josh: I LOVED WAKING UP TO YOU IN MY ARMS (FOR LIKE 2.5 SECONDS THAT IS LOL)

  Me: I LOVED BEING IN YOUR ARMS FOR THOSE 2.5 SECONDS. YOUR SKIN TOUCHING MY SKIN FELT INCREDIBLE. BEST BDAY GIFT EVER

  Josh: DAMN, BABY! YOU ARE INCREDIBLE. I HAVE MORE 4 U

  Me: HMMM...I’M CURIOUS. YOU MAKE A HABIT OF WATCHING ME THROUGH MY WINDOW???

  Josh: I WAS WORRIED ABOUT U. I DIDN’T EXPECT TO SEE YOU BENT OVER. THAT WAS JUST A PLEASANT SURPRISE. :) YOU HAVE A NICE ASS BTW.

  Me: OH, MY GOD. UR CRAZY.

  Josh: 4 U! x

  He kissed me. He text kissed me.

  Me: xoxo

  My morning is spent in a happy yet sad bubble. I’m happy because it’s my birthday. I’m happy because Josh thinks I’m incredible, but I’m sad because of everything I heard last night. The feeling that this will end soon makes me not only sad, but also I feel the onset of a full-fledged panic attack on the horizon.

  After breakfast, Em texts to tell me she is on her way over, so I shower quickly and get dressed. I have a few things I want to do today. One, we’re graduating high school tonight so I’d like to go talk to my dad. Two, I want to g
o print some photos for something I’ve made Josh. I’ll give it to him tonight after we go to dinner with our parents. Just in case he is leaving me soon then he can at least take this with him and remember how much I love him.

  The doorbell rings, and Emily practically attacks me in a giant bear hug when I open the door. “Miss me much?” I joke as she squeezes the life out of me.

  She laughs and releases me. “Well, yes, actually. We haven’t hung out as much since you’ve become Mrs. Joshua Parker.”

  Oh, I like that. “Funny, funny...but I kind of like that,” I tell her as we walk to my room. I notice she has a small box in Tinker bell wrapping paper.

  “Tinker Bell?” I ask, tilting my head.

  She smiles handing me the box. “I know we weren’t friends back then, but it’s cute so...just open the damn present.” She pushes me gently to sit on my bed.

  I unwrap the paper, reach into the box and retrieve a small black velvet pouch. She snatches it from me. “Okay, let me explain, first.”

  I nod, and she says, “I don’t do this mushy love stuff. I mean...I know nothing of it. I change my mind about boys constantly. It’s just that I’ve never experienced what you and Josh have. So um, this is really cheesy and very unlike me, but I saw it and thought it was sweet. The pixie was reunited with her music,” she says. I’m confused.

  “M’kay,” I drawl as she hands me the pouch back. I pull the little threads that hold it together and my breath catches. “Oh, wow!” I breathe. I dangle the delicate silver necklace from my fingers and admire its beauty. Small lime green crystals shaped like a heart surround two tiny charms. I touch the charms and smile widely—a little fairy and a guitar. Suddenly, I understand the tinker bell wrapping paper and her statement.