Embrace the Moment

by Andrea Michelle

A tear falls down my cheek, and I swipe it with the back of my hand. “This is...wow...just wow! I love it, Em. Thank you.” I wrap my hands around her neck.

  “Yeah?”

  I nod against her head. “Yes, it’s perfect.”

  She helps me put it on, and I stand in the mirror admiring it. It’s so beautiful and so perfect. I feel the sudden weight of what it means. What if the pixie loses her music? I’ve waited all my life for him. I knew his heart would bring warmth to my cold one. His music would breathe life into my lyrics, and now that it has, I can’t—not have it. I won’t survive losing him. I just won’t. I begin to cry.

  “Riley, what’s wrong?” Em asks, coming to hug me. I explain it to her in a blubbered mess of words.

  “Oh,” she whispers. She knew all along. It’s just confirmed now. What is there to say? I get the boy I’ve spent my lifetime loving, only to lose him as soon as I have the courage to let him in. It sucks. It one hundred percent sucks, and yet, he still hasn’t opened up to me about it, or told me the truth. It’s like he is in denial or something. Like he thinks he is staying with me. We need to talk about this, though. He can’t keep kissing me to avoid saying what needs to be said. We can’t avoid the real possibility that this could be the end of us. Please don’t let that be true. Please!

  Em and I go to lunch together at a local deli that has the best baked potatoes ever. We get manis and pedis spontaneously because the shop is next door, and then we stop and get Coke Icees to cool off from the heat outside. She drops me off at my house and tells me to think positively and not let this silly fear of mine ruin my birthday and graduation/birthday dinner tonight with our families. I wish she were coming, too, but being as though it is graduation night that is impossible. Her family wants to celebrate with her, as well.

  I have a few hours to kill, so I get in my car to drive to the cemetery and talk to my dad. I’m unsure of what I will say, but knowing today I really wish he was here with me. I’m eighteen, an adult now, and I’m no longer in high school. It’s a major milestone, and he isn’t here to celebrate it with me. I miss him.

  CHAPTER 12

  For the love of all that is holy and good—give me strength. Riley feels unbelievable in my arms. She is right. Her skin on my skin is incredible. The way she looks wearing nothing but panties, and bent over in them...Damn—it’s burnt in my mind. I am unraveling. I want her badly.

  I have no answers to give her about our future. I don’t know them. I can’t figure out what is right and what is wrong for us. My mind knows my dad and my coach are right, but my heart is screaming at them to shut the fuck up. My heart belongs with her.

  So, here I am at a place serenity sometimes happens. I am with my mom—at her grave. I’ve sat here in silence, replaying the past weeks, months, hell—years in my mind. I’m graduating in a few hours. Riley’s birthday dinner is after and my mind is overwhelmed with thoughts about her—thoughts of taking us places neither of us have ever been, and then thoughts of losing her all over again—so many thoughts and fears.

  “Hey, Mom. I’m graduating high school tonight. I wish you could be there to see me grab that diploma. I miss you so much.” I tell her as I place a rose on her grave for the third time this week. “I wish I could say I’m happy that today is the beginning of the bigger part of the rest of my life, but I’m not. I get the feeling that everything is going to change now. I hope I’m wrong about that, but I don’t think I am,” I say feeling melancholy.

  “Did you know that Riley and I are finally together, like you always thought we would be? I feel like I’m about to jeopardize everything we have fought so hard to have. What sucks more than that, is there isn’t a damn thing I can do to change it. Shit, sorry for cursing.” I sigh, and lie on the grass looking up to the sky, wishing it would give me the answers I so desperately need.

  I don’t find the answers. I just find more questions and more concerns. “I made a mistake, Mom. Well, it wouldn’t have been a mistake if Riley hadn’t become so crucial to my heart remaining intact. It’s just...I made a decision without her—it wasn’t like I had a choice—but I did it, and now things are going to change between us. That scares me, Mom. It scares the living hell out of me. I don’t want to do this. I know how fragile she is—how untrusting she still is. It’s not her fault. It’s just the way she is. I just don’t know what to do, or how to tell her I’m leaving here, soon.”

  I suddenly feel sick about going to her birthday dinner this evening. The thought of breaking her heart today of all days is killing me. My heart feels like it’s coming undone in my chest.

  I tell my mom how much I love her and miss her at least three more times. I’ve come here more than usual this week, just hoping somehow a piece of her will wrap its arms around me, and tell me this will be okay. Instead, I leave with a chill and a pit in my stomach that it won’t be.

  I climb in my truck and grab my cell, debating on doing the coward thing and telling Riley what I need to over the phone. It would be easier to do than watch her expression—watch her eyes as they show me her disappointment. I’m sure she wouldn’t find that as the best birthday present ever. I sigh, put the phone down and lay my head on the steering wheel. I don’t know what to do.

  I hear a tap at the window and turn my head to find the vision of what keeps my heart intact. She steals the breath right out of my lungs. I roll the window down, and Riley tilts her head to the side studying me. I’m sure she can see the storm brewing behind my eyes.

  “Hey, birthday girl.” I try to smile convincingly. I know I don’t because she frowns.

  “Hey, yourself.” We peck on the lips. “You okay?” She folds her arms on the door, resting her beautiful head on top of them.

  I contemplate just telling her, but I don’t want to do it here and now, and definitely not today. I nod instead.

  “I just wanted to talk to my mom today—it’s a big day for us. You went to see your dad?” I ask, and she nods.

  Her mouth thins into straight line. “You’ve come to see her a lot this week. Um...are you all right? You know you can tell me anything, right?” she assures me.

  Not liking where this conversation is going, I go to grab her face and kiss her, but she pushes me away

  “Don’t do that?” she says.

  “Do what? Kiss you?” I ask.

  “No, try to distract me. You’re using kisses to avoid saying something. Just tell me, Josh.” She says in a hushed whisper as her eyes become glassy.

  “No,” I reply.

  “No?” she asks

  “I need to kiss you, and it’s your birthday, and I just want to kiss you, Riley. Can I kiss you?” I admit. Her eyes climb inside of me, seeing through to the deepest part of my soul. They flick to my lips, and she begins to take shallow breaths. She feels this, too. The constant pull—the magnetism between us—it’s impossible to ignore.

  She slowly nods, but I find myself already leaning over to kiss her nose and then each of her eyes. She doesn’t stop me. She inhales a deep breath and slowly releases it. I kiss the corner of her mouth as her lips part. I kiss her bottom lip, pulling it gently between my teeth. She softly moans, and I will never get over the way her sounds get to me. I reach my hand to cup her cheek, and she leans her face into my touch. I kiss her because I have to, because if I don’t kiss her right now—I can’t breathe. I kiss her because even though I feel lost and confused in this moment, she is here. Out of nowhere, she appeared—as if she were a sign sent to tell me it’s going to be okay—like an angel before me. I kiss her, and she kisses me with the same passion—embracing the same moment.

  Her tears are falling onto my fingers, and I can taste the salt in my mouth as it mixes with our kiss. I rest my head on her forehead, as we both stay silent—just breathing each other in.

  “Josh?”

  “Don’t, Riley. Don’t say it. Not yet. Just let me love you, please.” I beg because I know what she wants to say. She keeps trying to start this conversation, and I’m just not ready
.

  I hate that she has tears on her cheeks. I hate that she knows more than I want her to. I hate that I can’t explain it, and I hate that I don’t know what she is thinking.

  After I pick up my dress shirt and pants from the cleaners, I make my way to the boutique where I ordered Riley’s gift. I’m sitting in my car contemplating giving this to her. Will she understand it? Will it break her heart or make her happy? I just don’t know to be honest.

  “Oh, my god, Josh. That is the sweetest gift ever,” Jo says, touching the silver box. And then she cries. Yep, this will break her heart. Sweet gesture or not, she will cry. Dammit. Riley said she loved the stars, then she referenced to me being her stars. I can’t give them to her, but I can try.

  Graduation is one of those things that either you are super excited about, or you don’t really give a shit about it—I kind of sit in the gray area of both excitement and not giving a shit. I’m excited for the fact that it is over. I’m no longer in high school. I don’t really give a shit about it because a special woman is missing in the row of my family members, and also because it’s just moving on from one piece of baggage to another set.

  Two people separate Riley and me in the pew—Ashley Roberts and Kevin Randall. I lean forward to glance at her, but she isn’t looking at me. She is fiddling with something on her neck and looking lost deep in her thoughts.

  “Psssst,” I’m trying to get her attention. Kevin nudges Riley, and she looks over, blinking her eyes a few times.

  “Hmm?” She says to him, but he nods his head to me. As soon as her eyes meet mine they instantly warm. “Hey,” she whispers.

  “I just wanted to say hi. Don’t trip going up the stairs.” I joke and she glares. Honestly, it’s funny because when we practiced this yesterday, she did trip. Her face was beet red, and she was afraid it would happen again today.

  “Ha Ha, Parker.” I grin and wink. Her face flushes, and she bites that damn lip.

  Okay, so maybe now I’m a little more excited about graduation.

  CHAPTER 13

  Silence is a peculiar moment. It can either be calming, refreshing and just perfect—or it can be the loudest moment of confusion with unsaid words and unheard fears. Some silent moments are scary as hell.

  I’m sitting in Josh’s truck, both of us silent. So many things need to be said. It’s just ironic that Say Something by A Great Big World is on the radio. We’re both just listening, probably thinking the same thing. We are sitting outside the restaurant, not ready to leave this space yet. We’ve already taken one step into a new future. We’re no longer high school students, but what now? Neither of us is saying it. He knows I heard his dad. He has to know, but we aren’t talking about it—we’re just kissing and holding onto each other like we are the others lifeline.

  “Riley?” “Josh?” We both say at the same time when the song is over.

  “You go first,” he says.

  I take a deep breath and slowly puff it out. “I love kissing you and even though we’ve been doing a lot more of that then we have done talking—I think it’s time we talk about stuff. Don’t you?” I look over into his eyes.

  He is sitting so still, his breathing becoming labored. He punches the steering wheel and curses.

  “I can’t, Riley. I hate what needs to be said. I’m not ready to say what needs to be said. I love you. I just want to feel this, not think about it and not face what’s next. I know we need to talk. I do. I just—FUCK it. I don’t know how to do this and not today, okay?”

  “Okay. I get why you don’t want to talk today because you think whatever it is will upset me, and you don’t want to upset me on my birthday. But Josh, do what exactly? Tell me the truth? Are you breaking up with me?” My voice just a slow whisper.

  His eyes dart to mine. “What the fuck, are you talking about? I’m NOT breaking up with you. I’m just...we will just be. No! I don’t want to do this right now. You want to know how serious I am about you. I will show you.” He then he turns off the truck and comes around to my door.

  He opens my door, his eyes lock with mine as he unbuckles my seat belt. I’m wearing a white sundress. He reaches under my legs to pick me up—it makes me squeal.

  “My legs aren’t broken you know?” I joke to him as he carries me from his truck to the restaurant. I’m not complaining at all. I mean, my hands are wrapped around his neck, and my head is nestled on his shoulder. So obviously I am content right where I am. Besides, he looks downright edible in his black slacks and white button down shirt, with one side loosely un-tucked and the top buttons undone.

  He kisses my head and chuckles, “Maybe I’m practicing.”

  I lift my head to look at him, “Practicing for?” I ask with piqued curiosity.

  He stops and his eyes lock with mine with such intensity that I feel the need to squirm, or look away, but I can’t move because he is holding me, and I can’t look away because his eyes have cast a spell on me.

  “For walking you over the threshold one day as, Mrs. Parker. Not anytime soon of course, but one day. That is what I see for us in the future—not us being apart.” He graces me with a tempting dimple.

  “I like practicing,” I whisper, biting my lip to hide my grin.

  “Yeah?”

  I nod, “M’hm. Maybe we could practice what happens after you walk me over the threshold later?”

  “After? Is that when you cook me dinner, baby?” He laughs when he sees my face scrunch up. “I’m kidding, Shaw. We can share the cooking skills.”

  I shove at his chest, “That’s better, Parker. Keep undigging your hole, jerk face. Besides, we’re eating dinner here, so that leaves dessert only.”

  He grins playfully. “Hmmm you do make the sweetest brownies.” He leans down to whisper in my ear, his breath tickling me. “I looove the taste of you and brownies—perfect fucking dessert.”

  Holy Shit. How many times is he going to make me say that in a day?

  He lifts his face up, and his eyes land right on my mouth. He ever so slowly leans down and licks the corner of my mouth just as he did that day when he kissed me for the first time—that day where we tasted each other—and brownies.

  How many effin girls get kissed for the first time with chocolate goodness incorporated?

  Chocolate and his lips...yum—my favorite.

  He licks my lips, and I forget how to breathe. Our brownie kiss is definitely not something I could ever forget either.

  He smirks seeing my eyes stare at his lips. “So, you are responsible for dessert or just be dessert. I’m not picky.” He waggles his eyebrows suggestively, and it’s like his words have a direct connect line to something we haven’t explored yet, something I want to explore—so badly.

  “I like brownies, but I think I’d like being your dessert, too.” I smile sweetly up at him.

  His eyes search mine, looking for something, and his face turns serious all of a sudden. We are no longer moving. He slowly sets me down leaving my hands tangled around his neck and his tightly around my waist. I’m confused by his sudden change in playfulness. I’m aware that we are both distracting each other again and ignoring what needs to be discussed.

  His eyes flick to my lips and then bounce back and forth from each of my eyes. “We have plenty of time to get to dessert, Riley. How about we just enjoy our...brownies...until you know for sure you’re ready for...um, dessert.”

  I think he just made my heart melt. He is so adorably sexy. I never knew adorable and sexy could be the same thing, but he totally is both of those. He knows the way Dean was with me, and he is clearly worried we are moving too fast. He wants to be sure I’m ready. I am. At least, when he is looking at me like that and touching me the way he does—I think I am.

  I let my hands slide down his neck and chest until I reach the bottom of his shirt. I place my hands inside of his shirt so I can feel his skin. He takes in a breath, and his heart hammers underneath my palm as I glide them up. He is warm, and his muscles are artfully sculpted just for
my hands—to explore.

  I look up at him through my lashes and smile coyly. “I enjoy brownies with you...very much, Josh. I’m tired of wasting so much time, though. I’ve had years with the wrong guy, years doubting love and everything about it, years without dessert with you. I’m ready for dessert with you. Okay? I want to have dessert, Josh. When I felt your skin on my bareback this morning, I knew it then. I knew I wanted to feel all of you pressed against me.” I bite my lip.

  And then he is on me. Hands in my hair—tongue in my mouth. We kiss desperately. Pouring everything we want with each other into that kiss—releasing years of longing, of desire, of want.

  When we pull apart we are both panting for air and staring at each other, and then we are at it again. “I haven’t been able to get the image of you like that out of my mind,” he says between our kisses and breaths of air.

  “Let’s get this over with.” He smiles devilishly at me.

  When we get to our table, my mom is already in tears. Josh does that guy pat and hug thing with his dad, then he leans down to kiss his sister on the cheek.

  “I can’t believe you’re eighteen. Y’all are leaving the nest, soon. Can you believe it, James?” she asks Josh’s dad.

  I cringe thinking about what it means for Josh and me to leave the nest. Josh’s dad looks a little pissed. He gives Josh a look that tells me he and Josh are still at odds.

  “Nope, I can’t believe it,” he replies a little miffed, masking his irritation with a forced smile. They stare coldly at each other, which is so unusual. I hate that they are doing so.

  Our parents are across from us, and our sisters are together at the other end. I try to overlook the fact that my mom has a margarita in her glass. I’ve lectured her more than once on not drinking with her medication. I hate when she drinks in the first place. It’s like this coping mechanism we all seem to suffer from, but this is a celebration, so...

  Dinner conversation flows freely, and laughter fills me with a sense of thankfulness as we eat together. Even with the unspoken fear looming in the air—I feel extremely happy—excited about the summer ahead with, Josh—excited to finally be eighteen.