Embrace the Moment

by Andrea Michelle

  Once in the truck, I feel my irritation growing. Riley notices because she says, “You okay? Your ears are red, and that vein in your neck is pulsing.”

  Part of me wants to yell at her. What were you thinking ever dating that prick? Why did you lead him on so long that now he thinks he has an in when I’m gone? Instead, I shake my head, rub behind my neck to soothe the tension, take a deep breath and lie straight through my fucking teeth. “Yeah, I just have a headache coming on. Nothing to worry your pretty little head over.” She stares into my eyes looking for something. I don’t give her much time, because I lean over the console and kiss her lips and then turn back to the front, turning the ignition.

  When we get back to the apartment, Riley goes to her bedroom and shows Tink to her new home. I’m in the kitchen fighting against my own instincts and myself. I pull my phone from my pocket and send a text.

  Me: I DON’T KNOW WHAT GAME YOU’RE PLAYING BUT LEAVE RILEY ALONE!

  It takes a few seconds for him to reply.

  Dean: SHAME REALLY – WE WERE MAKING SUCH PROGRESS

  Me: BULLSHIT – YOU NEVER CHANGE

  Dean: YOUR PANTIES ARE BUNCHED – THINK SHE MIGHT GET LONELY?

  Fuck! I hate this guy. I seriously hate him.

  Me: YOU THINK THE MOMMA OF YOUR BABY WOULD LIKE YOU TRYING TO SNEAK OUT OF THE HOUSE ALREADY?

  He doesn’t reply this time, and I take a moment to calm myself. My phone pings just as Riley walks in the room. I simply place it into my back pocket and clear my throat. Her eyes track my hands and lift in question. She begins fidgeting with her hair like she does when she’s nervous. To distract her, I make small talk.

  “Does Tink like her new room?”

  Riley shrugs and studies my eyes. She is so damn intuitive. “What’s up, Josh? You’ve been on edge since we left my house.”

  “It’s nothing. I just have a headache. I told you. C’mere.” I crook my finger as I pout.

  She sighs heavily, and I know she isn’t buying my shit, but for now she lets it go. She wraps her hands around my waist, and I rest my head in her hair. Please, Lord let me keep her. Please.

  Later that night, I’m sitting in my bed staring at her dark window. It’s her first night in her apartment, and I’m here. I take a moment to look at my phone, at the text that has been blinking at me all night.

  Dean: NO WORRIES WITH PRESLEE – SHE KNOWS HER ROLE IN THE GAME! ;)

  What the hell does that mean?

  Two weeks have flown by all too quickly. Time has run up. Thankfully, no repeat run in’s with Dean have taken place. We leave tomorrow for Louisiana for summer drills. The girls are coming up to meet us next weekend, but I’m not thinking about that right now. I’m thinking about the nerves in my stomach for what’s about to happen.

  We are at the Rockin Fourth to watch Rebel and the Dark Angels perform Riley’s songs. What she doesn’t know is that I’m their opening act. I’m singing one cover song and one of my own in a few short minutes.

  We’re sitting on the picnic blanket with Collin and Em. They are now officially a couple. I lean over and kiss Riley’s cheek. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom before the band starts up.”

  She looks down at her phone. “You better hurry. They go on in like ten minutes.”

  I smile. “No worries, pretty girl.”

  I’m standing to the side with Rebel and the group. “Are you nervous? I can’t believe you are doing this.” I look out to the audience and smile. I can. I’ve dreamed of singing on the Indie rock stage as far back as I can remember. They only let you hit the stage at eighteen. So here I am. The park has multiple stages set up, but this one has always been my favorite.

  I have my guitar in place, and I’m to the side out of sight. I’m so nervous. I bet Riley is freaking out right about now because I’m not back.

  The crowd cheers as the Dark Angels take the stage. Rebel gets the mic and glances at me, winking. “Hey, guys. We are the Dark Angels.” More cheers. The girls have sort of made a name for themselves all the sudden. “Before we pull you into the dark with us, we have a surprise for you. Our opening act is a well-known guy that we all can’t help but fall in love with, and he’s none other than the boyfriend to our song writer.” I see Riley’s mouth fall open, and she starts scanning the crowd for me with the biggest grin on her face. She’s proud of me. My heart swells. “Please, put your hands together for Joshua Parker!” The crowd goes crazy, something I never expected.

  I make my way to the stage with my guitar. I grab the mic and smile. More screams follow. Damn, I really didn’t expect it. I watch Riley stand and make her way through the crowd to come stand in the front. I bite my lip and grin at her. She’s smiling so wide, it’s contagious, and I can’t help but smile back at her. Those eyes that I lose myself in are twinkling up at me. “This song is a cover, and I’m dedicating this to a special someone. Guys grab your girlfriends. Husbands kiss your wives, and tell them they’re beautiful. Go on...do it.” I smirk as I see them do it. I mouth to Riley “You’re beautiful.” And then I start strumming the guitar and sing Anywhere but Here by Safetysuit.

  I sing my heart out and feel every emotion. I sing it for her. The next song is harder, because this is one I wrote for her. “This song is mine. The girl I wrote this for has no idea I ever wrote this or that she changed my life forever. This is Her Escape.”

  With her eyes locked with mine, I sing her song to the world.

  INNOCENT WITH SAD EYES

  FEARING THE NEXT CHAPTER

  AFRAID OF LIES

  LETTING GO

  LETTING ME IN

  THE WALLS BUILT SO HIGH

  CRUMBLE TO ASH

  HER ESCAPE SO BEAUTIFUL

  THE STARS SHINE FOR HER

  FINDING HERSELF

  THE SLOW BURN

  THE ACHE IN HER HEART

  GROWS IN STRENGTH

  SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE

  INTO EACH OTHER WE CRASH

  HER ESCAPE SO BEAUTIFUL

  THE STARS SHINE FOR HER

  IN A DAZE SHE FINDS HER WAY

  FINDING THE NEED TO TRUST AGAIN

  I WILL NEVER FORGET

  EYES, SKIN, BREATHS BETWEEN US

  FALLING SO FAST

  YOUR ESCAPE SO BEAUTIFUL

  THE STARS SHINE FOR YOU

  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

  NOW, HERE I AM WITH MY HEART ON THE FLOOR

  IT’S YOURS, MILES IN BETWEEN

  IT STAYS HERE WITH YOU

  WITH YOU TO PROTECT

  CONSTANT WHISPERS OF REGRET

  NEVER SAY GOODBYE

  NEVER HIDE YOUR EYES

  NEVER TO SAY A LIE

  MY ESCAPE IS YOU

  YOUR ESCAPE SO BEAUTIFUL

  EVERY STAR IS ANOTHER REASON TO REMEMBER

  NO MORE STONES TO THROW

  A SLOW CRAWL

  KNOWING NOTHING AT ALL

  KNOWING EVERYTHING IS YOURS

  LEARNING TO LIVE

  FINDING REASONS TO FLY

  FINDING LOVE TO LOSE TIME

  COMING DOWN FROM THE HIGH

  I CAN’T… I CAN’T MAKE YOU BELIEVE

  THAT YOUR ESCAPE IS BEAUTIFUL

  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL

  INTO EACH OTHER WE CRASH

  LET THE DOUBT, THE FEAR REMAIN ASH

  NEVER SAY GOODBYE

  NEVER HIDE YOUR EYES

  YOUR ESCAPE IS BEAUTIFUL

  THE STARS NEVER LEAVE

  A CONSTELLATION FROM YOU TO ME

  I take my guitar off and climb down the stage to wrap my hands around Riley as she cries. “I love you. Never forget. We will make this work. I love you,” I say as she nods and then I kiss her in front of everyone as they cheer.

  After we watch Rebel and the Dark Angels sing Riley’s music, we start roaming around. We are walking around the park when this guy walks up to us. “Sorry to interrupt, but I wanted to give you my card. I just happened to be in town to visit family, and I am definitely glad that I was. I’m one of the producers at Nashville�
��s Next in Tennessee. You have a great voice. I don’t have a lot time to talk now, but take my card. I’ll be waiting for your call.” He doesn’t say anything else. I think nothing of it and put the card in my back pocket. Riley’s eyes are on my face, but she doesn’t say anything either.

  We’re sitting on our blanket getting ready to watch the fireworks, but it’s still not dark enough. Riley keeps glancing behind her and shivering. “Are you okay?”

  She looks at me and sighs. “It’s just that I keep feeling like someone is watching me. It’s weird, earlier when Em and I walked to get a snow cone, I swear someone was following us.”

  I look around, but I don’t see anyone that stands out. They’re hundreds of people here. I can tell that she is genuinely freaked out though, so I pull her close to me. I have her between my legs, and I’m holding her. We remain like that until it’s time to leave.

  CHAPTER 21

  I hate change. Living with Emily is a change. Having Josh gone for the majority of July is a change. Falling back into the darkness is a change. I don’t want anything to change. I want him here. I want things to stay the same. But it’s all changing.

  Collin and Josh have been gone a week. It hasn’t been too terrible. In fact, I think I handled it well, but I knew that Em and I would be visiting this weekend. Josh and I are sitting in the bleachers of the stadium just admiring the view of where Josh will play sooner than later. Em and I drove up here to visit since they had to leave us for a few weeks. Collin took Em on a tour of the campus, and Josh took me here.

  “Wow. It’s kind of amazing, Josh. Don’t ya think?” I say feeling a little awestruck at the stadium.

  “Yep.”

  “I’ve never seen them play up close, just on TV, and you’re going to be a part of that one day. It’s just a little crazy, right?”

  “Yep.”

  Every ‘yep’ is flat and detached of any real emotion and definitely not full of excitement. I turn to look at him and sigh when I see the sadness in his eyes.

  He looks back to me. “This is a mistake, Riley. I don’t think we are strong enough for this. I’ll just get a job and go to school next year. I don’t want to be here without you.”

  I stare at him unsure of what I should say. His dad would be so angry, and then he would blame me. I can’t be the reason they aren’t okay with each other. His dad is right. He’s amazing, and he has a real shot of being great—this could be his future. If he gives this up he might resent me one day—maybe, not today, or tomorrow, but one day. It’s a real possibility that I fuck this up somehow, or that he wakes up one day and remembers all the reasons his life turned to shit. I shake my head to rid myself of the dark thoughts that always remain in the recesses of my mind.

  “Josh, we will be okay. I will be strong for you. I promise. You can’t give up without trying. I can’t let you give up without trying. I love you so much. I want nothing more than for you to be with me, but if you walk away from this, and then one day you realize that you regret it, it will be my fault…then all we have is a lot of resentment. I already have a list against me for all the reasons you should hate me. Please don’t make a bigger list. One of those reasons will eventually stick, and then I’ll lose you completely.” I am rambling so fast, and I didn’t even realize I was crying until he has me in his lap and is wiping my cheeks.

  “I love you. There will never be a reason for us to not be together. You couldn’t ever do anything to push me away, Riley. This is just going to be so hard for us.” He holds my head to his shoulder and is threading his fingers into my hair.

  I breathe him in and fight the urge to sob and beg him to do what he wants to do anyways. I finally get him, only to lose him so quickly.

  We’re in Josh’s truck driving through New Orleans. At first glance, I’m a little worried about where we’re going, but once we park in the garage and take off walking in the French Quarter I absolutely fall in love. It’s so busy and full of life.

  “Have you been here before?” I ask Josh.

  He shakes his head and leans down to my ear. “Another first for us, pretty girl.”

  I look up at him and smile. He interlaces our fingers as we walk down the street. For a moment, it’s like our separate lives are entwined. I try to picture myself living in Louisiana with him, our lives together as we find our forever.

  “Oh, my God—street performers. Let’s watch,” Em says tugging my hand to pull me along with her. I’m ripped away from Josh, and when I look back at him and Collin, they are both grinning at us. We’re across the street from this beautiful cathedral and horse and carriages. A group of guys are putting on a show with flips and break dancing. My eyes are taking in everything I can like a sponge. I don’t think I’ve stopped smiling yet. I laugh when Emily gets called up to be part of the act. I would be bright red, but she’s eating the whole thing up with a cheesy grin plastered on her face.

  After the show, we walk to Cafe Du Monde and enjoy beignets. Oh, my god, those are delicious. We’ve just crossed the street to look at all of the art and to walk to the St. Louis Cathedral. I’m pointing and admiring everything I see.

  I stop briefly to watch a magician perform a trick outside the Cathedral when Josh looks down at me giggling. “What?”

  He turns my body to him and my breath catches as he leans down. His lips brush against mine, and he licks the corner of my mouth. He stands back up smirking. “You had some powdered sugar left behind, but I got it for you. I really love it when you eat sweet stuff.”

  I swat at his chest and turn to pull us into the church. “Oh, wow,” I breathe taking in the view.

  It’s so beautiful. An image of walking down the aisle to a waiting Joshua Parker fills my mind almost instantly. We don’t stay in here nearly long enough. Collin and Emily won’t shut up, and people are giving us crazy looks for being noisy.

  “We should go down Bourbon Street,” Collin tells Em, wiggling his eyebrows.

  I’ve already been warned that this street is crazy at night, with its many bars and strip clubs. It’s daytime though, so I expect it to be tame. However, once we hit the street, I realize it’s not all that tame even during the day. My mouth falls open as I see everything around me. Collin stops at this window and orders two daiquiris showing them his fake ID. He hands one to Em and one to me. I gladly take it.

  I gauge Josh’s reaction as we walk along the street. He looks curious, but isn’t showing too much excitement. It makes me grin. We walk past a club to the right. A girl in a black bustier with a garter belt and thigh highs is standing in the doorway luring people in. “Holy fuck!” Collin mutters slapping Josh on the chest and nodding his head to the girl. Josh looks, and I mean really looks. It makes me uncomfortable, but guys will be guys, I guess. Will these be his temptations on the weekends when he’s going out? He looks back to me. I may be naive, but I see the darkening in his eyes. I softly smile and look away.

  Collin is going on and on about how he’s going to love living in Louisiana. Of course, Em laughs it off and tells him he can look but he better remember their agreement, whatever that may be. She’s stronger than I am. My mind is on overdrive picturing Josh partying it up and having too much fun. Stop it, Riley. He hasn’t even done anything. Quit thinking the worse.

  We don’t linger much longer on Bourbon Street. I decide, though, that I really like daiquiris. We go eat at this cafe’ and Josh and I share fried shrimp. Then we walk to the Riverwalk. I can’t get over how beautiful everything is, how friendly people are. The energy here is contagious. It makes me happy, yet makes me sad. Josh is going to fall in love with it here.

  Our hotel is back in Baton Rouge since that is where the university is located. As we make the drive across Lake Pontchatrain, I take in the view, and imagine what life would be like if I lived here with Josh. I snuggle up close to his side, thankful for the middle seat in his truck. He gently kisses my hair. “Did you have fun today?” he asks, glancing at me.

  “Yeah, it’s an entire different
world, huh?” I chuckle lightly. “A little contagious, actually.” I chance a look at his face. He’s smiling and nodding, but I can see the same melancholy in his eyes that lives inside of mine.

  After saying our goodbyes to Collin and Emily, Josh and I settle into our room. He realizes he left his phone in his truck so he goes down to get it. I have my ear buds plugged into my ears, and JES Like a Waterfall comes on my radio app. I’m belting out every word feeling the same way. This weekend is it. Our new lives in separate places begin as soon as Em and I go back home. I feel every word of this song as I stare out the window that overlooks the pool.

  I actually really love singing, always have, but I hate that I do. My mom loves to sing or loved to. The music ceased to be beautiful in my house when my dad cheated. Not wanting to be anything like either of them, I decided to never embrace this love of mine. That hate I’ve let harbor space in my heart for far too long is slowly fading away.

  I have my hands on the glass of the window as I sing the last note and feel the release of my own waterfall. I rip the buds out of my ears and turn to throw my phone onto the bed as I wipe the tears that are on my cheeks. I freeze when I see Josh standing against the wall with his mouth hanging agape. His feet are crossed at the ankle, and his hands are in his pockets telling me that he has been standing there a while.

  “How...how long have you been standing there?” I ask stuttering.

  He moves slowly towards me with that look in his eyes—that determined look. “Long enough to fall in love with you again. I love when you sing. Your voice is like an angel,” he says, brushing his knuckles along my cheek. “That song was sad, though.”

  I shut my eyes. Josh leans his forehead into mine and there we remain for a few breaths, just sharing the same air. He cups my cheeks and places a kiss to my forehead. “I had a good time with you today.” He smiles softly at me.

  I throw my hands around him, and he lifts me up to where my legs are around his waist. He walks back to the bed and holds me. I just need him to comfort me right now. After a little while, he loosens his grip on me. “Wanna go for a swim?”