Embrace the Moment

by Andrea Michelle

  “No, I just want to hold you longer.” The tears are burning the backs of my eyes, but I blink them away. This hurts. This ache in my chest is growing larger, and the lump in my throat is making it hard to swallow as I’m imagining all the time I’m about to spend without him.

  He lowers to his side on the bed and pulls me close to him. I tuck my head under his chin and listen to his heartbeat.

  He begins to breathe fast and then he clears his throat and swallows hard. “Remember that night at Brandt’s party when um, you were so mad at me?” His whole body stiffens.

  “Yes,” I whisper. Why is he asking this?

  He grips my chin, and turns my head to where our eyes are looking into one another’s. “My heart broke a thousand times that night, Riley. Seeing the pain in your eyes. Seeing that dark place swallow you up, and then when you kissed that dick, I thought my heart would shatter into a million pieces. It physically caused me pain. But something you said in my truck later really bothered me, and I never said anything to you about it.”

  “I’m so sorry, Josh. I never meant to—,”

  “Stop. I know, Riley. I know you didn’t mean to act like that, and I never told you how much it hurt me. I’m not telling you now to make you feel bad. It’s just that you said you hate yourself that night, and I’m scared. I’m scared that when I leave, you’re going to go back to that dark place that makes you climb inside your head, and I don’t want you to do that. I want you to remember how far we’ve come. I don’t want to take those steps backward, baby. I want us to keep moving forward. I want you to remember that even miles apart, my heart is with you. It was always and will always be with you,” he whispers the last part as his thumb pads along my bottom lip that is now quivering.

  I know he’s scared for me. I don’t trust easily. I don’t do any of this well. I know he loves me, and I know, without a doubt, that I love him, but in the back of my mind, I know we have never been apart like this, and we’ve never been tested this much. I fear we aren’t strong enough.

  He watches as a single tear falls down my cheek and then another. He watches my eyes so carefully, and I see the pain in his. We both feel this. “Promise me, Riley. Promise me that you won’t get stuck in there.” He taps my temple. “Promise me that you will hold onto us and everything I’ve ever told you about us and love. Promise me that when the pain gets too much that you will call me, and we will talk about it, that you won’t numb it.”

  I nod my head, and he shakes his. “No, Riley. Say the words. Promise me that you will keep the walls down for me.”

  “I promise, Josh. I promise I’m yours today and forever.” Tears are streaming down my face as he presses his lips to mine.

  When we made love that night, I prayed it wouldn’t be the last time. I prayed that somehow we would survive this test, that we would make it back to each other in one piece and stronger. We didn’t fight this hard, and go through all this pain to lose each other. But I knew my weak heart, and I knew my warped mind might have made a promise I wasn’t capable of keeping. My heart will always be his, but I can’t guarantee the darkness won’t creep up on me. The wicked whispers always linger, telling me I’m not enough for him—that it takes one moment of temptation for love to be forgotten. Look at my parents. I may have escaped the doubt about where my heart belonged, but can I ever truly escape the fear of heartbreak?

  I’m sitting on my bed with my daddy’s guitar. I stole it out of my mom’s garage back home and brought it here. I’m not sure why. The reasons keep changing in my head. It’s partly because seeing a guitar reminds me of Josh, and partly to remind me that my dad was just a man that made a mistake, but he loved my mom. Somewhere in my mind, the reason is rational. I haven’t played in years, but as I sit here with my fingers on the strings I remember it all. It becomes a cathartic release, and once I start, I can’t stop. I’m playing Flyleaf All Around Me, the words coming to me by memory. My eyes are shut, and I go somewhere beautiful in my mind, somewhere a little dark but still full of light.

  When I finish the song, I hear a click from my doorway and snap my eyes open to find Emily standing there with her phone. “Did you take my picture?” I ask.

  She shakes her head with a soft, mischievous smile. “No, I recorded you. That was beautiful. Everyone is right. You sing so pretty, Riley. Sorry to be a creeper, I just wanted to capture that moment of peace for you.”

  I place my dad’s guitar back into his case and stand to put it against my dresser. “Thanks. I haven’t played or sang in so long. I was just feeling something today, so I did.”

  “Are you excited about the guys coming home? It’s still so weird having Collin as a boyfriend. I half expected to be another notch on his bedpost, but he says he misses me. Crazy right—even crazier that I miss him?” she rambles.

  I smile. “Kinda crazy, but Collin just needed the right girl to calm him down. Maybe the same is true for you. Y’all are cute together.” I smile genuinely.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, let’s go get dinner. I want sushi.” I laugh when she gives me the crazy eye.

  “Since when do you like sushi?”

  I smile thinking back to the day Josh made me try it for the first time. “Since, Josh. Let’s go.”

  Sushi wasn’t the same without his flirtatious remarks. My mind kept flashing back to the way he smiled at me when I spoke about the sushi’s size in my mouth. I kept dazing into an empty chair thinking about reading fortunes and making them dirty. I looked to the door as I imagined his truck parked out front, and him trusting me to drive it. Maybe, sushi wasn’t the same without him.

  The entire drive back home, I was thinking about how many things remind me of him and how I never realized it. A certain smell, a place, a song—so many reminders of him everywhere. I miss him so much, and the hard part hasn’t even started. At least, I have one more week with him soon.

  “But you said you were coming home? You said you had one more week?” I cry into the phone as Josh informs me that he can’t come home this weekend. He’s been gone for weeks and classes start soon. Once school begins, he won’t be able to come home at all.

  First, it was drills and then it was getting school stuff situated. I understand. I just miss him, so much. Collin’s already come back once without him.

  “I know, baby. I can’t come for a few more days. I had to get a job to pay for gas and other shit. I can’t ask for time off already.”

  I sigh. A job? Just one more thing to keep him from me. “Okay, I understand. I just miss you.”

  He sighs heavily in his chest. “I miss you too, baby. Listen, I need to go. Collin just walked in, and we’re going to work out before my shift. Can I call you when I get off work?”

  I roll my eyes and plop down on my bed. I know he isn’t blowing me off, but it feels like that. “Yeah, of course.”

  “All right. Talk to you later.” The line goes dead. I have the urge to throw my fucking phone across the room—another weekend alone.

  Emily comes into my room pouting with her phone in her hand. “I hate this,” she says.

  “Me, too.” At least, she had her boyfriend visit once.

  We lie back on my bed pouting and missing our boyfriends. She looks over at me. “I know we agreed to save money so we can visit them all the time, but I kind of want to do something. Maybe this pain will take my mind off of the other pain I feel.”

  I look over at her, curiosity in my eyes. “What?”

  “Trust me?”

  I nod and follow her. Anywhere is better than here stuck in my head.

  As I’m lying back on this table with my shorts unbuttoned and my shirt up high, I’m questioning my trust for Emily. “It’s going to be so sexy. You can’t back out now.”

  “I’m not backing out, but when you said numb our pain with another kind of pain, I just assumed we would get drunk or something.” I’m griping and the guy says, “You ready?”

  I nod my head and follow his instructions to inhale and blow i
t out, and then it’s done. I have my navel pierced, and Em has her nipples pierced. She is much braver than me. That was a definite ‘hell no’ for me. “We’ll get drunk after. Wow,” she says.

  I’m standing in the mirror looking at the silver dangle with a guitar charm on it. I love it a lot. She’s right. It is sexy. I just wish I could show it to, Josh. A tear falls from my cheeks, and she comes to stand behind me. I’m circling my navel with my finger. “I miss him, Em. I’m not any good at this. It makes me feel empty inside without him.” I flatten my palm on my stomach as the hole there physically hurts. She pulls me to her chest, wincing slightly. I’m sure her boobs are in pain.

  We stop at the one gas station that never cards us and buy a bottle of wine. We go back home and sit on the back porch drinking the wine and smoking a pack of cigarettes. I’m not a smoker, and my lungs will be burning tomorrow. Burning is nothing new for me, though.

  Josh didn’t call me, and I’ve found myself writing in my journal again.

  IT’S EASY TO FORGET THE SMALL THINGS

  WHEN LIFE HAPPENS AND ASH IS LEFT AFTER THE BURNING

  BUT I REMEMBER IT

  THE SMALL THINGS

  THE WAY YOUR FINGERTIPS LEFT GOOSEBUMPS IN THEIR WAKE

  THE LOOK IN YOUR EYE WHEN MY HEART WAS YOURS TO TAKE

  THE FEAR LEFT BEHIND WHEN I LOST IT

  THE ACHE LEFT IN ITS PLACE AS I TRIED TO REPLACE IT

  I NEED THEM

  THE SMALL THINGS

  RACING HEART, BUTTERFLIES DANCING

  STOLEN KISSES AND LOVE BLAZING

  I FORGOT THEM

  THE SMALL THINGS

  HOW YOU KNEW JUST WHAT I NEEDED WHEN I DIDN’T

  HOW YOU PUT ME BACK TOGETHER WHEN I COULDN’T

  I LOVED THEM

  THE SMALL THINGS

  LOST, FORGOTTEN AND MISSED

  GAINED, REMEMBERED AND EMBRACED

  THESE SMALL THINGS BECOME EVERYTHING

  I wake in the middle of the night to my phone ringing. “Hello,” I answer with a scratchy voice.

  “Hey, baby. Sorry, you awake?” I wasn’t, but I miss his voice so much that I’m now wide-awake.

  “I am now. You didn’t call me,” I whine. I hate that I feel so needy.

  He sighs. “I just got off of work. I’m calling you, now.”

  “Where are you working anyway?” He hasn’t even told me. He takes a deep breath and gets silent. “Josh, you there?”

  “Yeah, I’m here. Sorry. It’s just...um, I don’t want you to get mad.”

  My skin prickles and my stomach sinks. “Just tell me. You’re not like a male stripper, right?”

  He laughs. “God, I love you. No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just...I’m working at a bar.”

  “A bar?”

  “Yeah, it’s near campus, and I’ll bartend. Some nights I might get to play. They have open mic night.”

  “M’kay. Why would I be mad?” I don’t understand.

  I can hear him take yet another deep breath. Why is this bothering him so much? “It’s just, I’m bartending at night and playing on the weekends. It’s the only job I can get that doesn’t interfere with practices and games. It just means I’m going to be really busy.”

  Ah! I already knew he wouldn’t be able to come home on the weekends because of his games. In fact, in my mind, I’m already prepared to not see Josh until the holidays, after this planned visit that is. It’s painful to think about. “Okay, I’m not mad, Josh. I know you will be busy. So, if you are trying to prepare me for that, no need. I’m very much aware of this reality, Josh.”

  He curses, and we both get really quiet. “Baby, listen to me. I know this is going to be difficult for us. I can already hear it in your voice. You’re starting to put that wall back up. Please, don’t. You promised.” My heart crumbles—it hurts. The fear makes me want to protect myself, put my guard up, but no matter what I do, no matter what I feel, I won’t survive any of this if it means losing him. My tears start falling, and I try not to cry into the phone, but I can’t help it.

  I hear him growl, and something crashes. “Fuck!” He shouts, and I cry harder. I can hear him breathing heavy into the phone. “Please, baby. Please don’t do this. I’m doing this for us.”

  For us? I sniffle and choke on the sob. “I...I...I’m not doing anything.”

  “You are. You are shutting down on me. Don’t. I need you, Riley. I can’t do this if I know you’re over there in tears. I can’t have you go back to that dark place. I fucking hate this already, and we haven’t even started it. I only took this job, so I have money to save and come back to you, baby.”

  Oh. “I just miss you.” I whisper and roll over to look at the picture of us together on my nightstand.

  “I miss you, too. I miss you more than you realize. I’ll be there in a few days. I promise. I’ll be home for a week, and we will spend every single minute of each day smothering each other. Okay?”

  I nod my head, but realize he can’t see me. “Okay, I’ll try harder. I promise.”

  “Remember the stars,” he says. I reach over to my nightstand to pick up my silver box. I set it on my chest remembering his words. I flip it over, push the button and let the stars illuminate the ceiling in my room.

  “I remember.” I breathe the words into the phone, but I know he’s already gone.

  I didn’t get much sleep after we ended our conversation. I just needed to make it a few more days, and then I would have him for a week, but then I wouldn’t have him at all for months. I lie there snuggling Tink, and looking up at the stars on the ceiling in my bedroom remembering that’s how much he loves me. I glance at her snuggled on my chest, and remind myself of all the things he has done for me. That he loves me that much. He loves me.

  The next morning Em and I are sitting on the couch eating crunch berry cereal. We have a vase sitting in the middle of the coffee table, and I just stare at it thinking about something Josh said last night. He took the job to save money, to get back to me. I turn to Emily. “I think I’m going to get a job.”

  “Huh?” She looks over at me like I’ve grown another head.

  “I need to stay busy, or I’m going to go insane.” I put the bowl of cereal down and pick up the vase. “I’m going to get a job, and every bit of the money I make is going in this jar. This is going to be my Louisiana jar. I’m going to save enough money not just to visit, but also to go to school there with him. I have to try. He can’t give up on football, so it should be me to go to him. I have nothing to lose but him, and I’m not letting that happen.”

  She squeals and jumps up off the couch. “I love this idea. I’ll get a job with you. We can go together. I know just the place we can work. They’d hire us in a heartbeat.”

  “Where?” I walk to the counter and write on a paper ‘Jar of Hearts’ and then I grab some tape and attach the paper to the jar. I empty the change out of my wallet, put it into the jar and then put the jar on our mantle. Step one...complete.

  “We can work where Rebel’s band plays on the weekend.”

  I plop down on the couch. “The Dark Days?” Honest to God, that is the name of this bar. They have open mic on Saturdays, and the Dark Angels have become their regulars. The name is suiting for how I feel. A little ironic that Josh and I will be doing the same thing to get back to each other.

  “Yeah, it’s perfect,” she explains as she picks up her phone.

  My phone pings with a text.

  Josh: LISTEN TO THESE SONGS

  He attaches two mp3 clips to Life Left to Go and What If by Safetysuit

  Me: OKAY? WHAT ARE THE SONGS ABOUT?

  Josh: JUST LISTEN. THAT IS HOW I FEEL

  Me: OKAY. ILY

  Josh: ILY MORE x

  We’re on our way to Dark Days for an interview. Emily made a call, and the owner wants to talk to us both, today. I have my iPhone plugged into the stereo playing the songs Josh sent me. I’m swiping at the tears that fall unbidden.

  “Why are you crying?” Emil
y squeezes my hand.

  “Josh sent these songs to me. He said to listen to them, and that’s how he feels.” I look over at her, and her mouth forms an O. We listen to the songs the entire ride over. My heart hurts.

  We walk into the Dark Days, and I try to picture myself working here. Once inside, immediately to the right, is the bar and to the left, is the stage. The floor by the stage is empty for dancing, and around the room are tables and booths for those that order food. Straight in the back are two pool tables and a hall that leads to the bathrooms. The girls that work here wear knee high boots over fish nets, either leather shorts or miniskirts, and a white skin tight midriff t-shirt with the bar’s logo, which is a heart with angel wings coming out of it in black. It’s low cut, and their boobs are normally spilling out of them. Josh will not be pleased to see me in that get up. I definitely can’t make him feel bad about his job now can I?

  The owner is nice. His name’s Peter, and we’ve known him for a while now. He knows I write all of the Dark Angel’s music, and has asked me more than once to sing, only because Rebel told him I’m a helluva good singer—not gonna happen, though.

  Peter walks out of the back with one of the other girls. I don’t remember her name. She’s pretty—long legs, black hair cut in a bob, and these striking blue eyes. She’s every guy’s wet dream. “Hey,” she says, smiling and raking her eyes over our bodies.

  “Hey,” we say in unison.

  Peter looks over at her and smiles. “What do you think, Taylor? Can you work with them? You’re both eighteen, right?” We nod, and she smiles as she’s walking over to us. She looks us up and down, and it’s a little unnerving being scrutinized so closely.

  She twirls her finger for us to turn around and so we do. She hums and looks to him. “They are perfect. Her red hair is amazing, and this one’s eyes...just damn. Riley and Emily correct?”

  I nod, Em answers, “Yes.”

  Peter smiles. “When can y’all start?”

  “Now!” I reply, earning a raised brow.

  “How’ bout tonight, we do a training night?” he asks.