An Uncertain Heart

by June Tate

  ‘Why don’t you open a small riding school? You’re a good teacher. You have Miss Millie. I can attest to the fact she’s docile enough for a beginner.’

  He was thoughtful for a moment.

  ‘You know, I’ve never thought of that. Yes, I kind of like the idea. But first let’s get “meeting the parents” over!’

  To say that Henry and Margaret were surprised to meet James would be an understatement, but they made him very welcome. Henry avoided talking about the war, which was a relief. James told them about Helen’s progress riding Miss Millie, which was met with some hilarity.

  ‘But Helen doesn’t like horses much,’ Margaret remarked.

  ‘She does now,’ James told them with a broad grin. ‘She’s a natural. You should see her rising trot after only a couple of hours’ tuition. But to be honest, I’ve come on a mission, Mr Chalmers. I’ve come to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.’

  ‘Have you? Well, young man, I’m not at all sure that you know what you’d be taking on. Helen has a mind of her own and she can be stubborn, you know.’

  ‘Dad!’ Helen looked horrified.

  Margaret started to laugh. ‘Henry! How could you?’

  ‘Yes, Dad, how could you?’

  ‘Oh, I’ve already discovered this in her, but I’m prepared to overlook it,’ James replied, trying to keep a straight face.

  ‘Then you must really love her, my boy.’

  ‘Yes, sir, I do. Luckily for me, she feels the same and I’d very much like to walk her down the aisle, if it’s alright with you?’

  ‘What do you think, Margaret? Time to cut the apron strings?’

  Margaret was grinning broadly at her daughter, who was getting more het up by the minute at this extraordinary exchange.

  ‘Oh yes, I think so,’ she said.

  ‘Then that’s settled. Welcome to the family, James.’ He stood up and shook James by the hand and then he kissed Helen, as did her mother.

  James walked over to Helen, took her in his arms and kissed her.

  ‘It would seem that we are engaged, darling.’

  ‘I’ll open a bottle of champagne to celebrate,’ Henry said. ‘I’ve one left over from New Year. Congratulations, my dear daughter,’ he said.

  This time James was prepared for the opening of the bottle and allowed himself a feeling of quiet satisfaction.

  Margaret insisted they stay for lunch as she had a fish pie in the oven that was enough for all of them and they sat drinking champagne and celebrating.

  James explained that he would be leaving the army and that Helen had suggested he open a small riding school and that he was going to give it some considerable thought.

  Helen said she was going to give up nursing and settle down to married life.

  Her mother asked had they yet thought about the wedding.

  ‘Not yet,’ James said. ‘It was only yesterday that we decided to get married. There’s plenty of time. We have to find somewhere to live first and I have to resign my commission, which means a trip to London.’

  Helen immediately realised this would be an ordeal for him, travelling by train and a busy city.

  ‘I’ll come with you if you like, we could go shopping after,’ she suggested.

  James gave her a look of relief but passed it off.

  ‘You didn’t warn me that Helen loved to shop, Mr Chalmers.’

  ‘Henry, please. No, I didn’t, but she’s a woman so why would that surprise you?’

  Later that afternoon, James went home. Helen had brought her weekend case home with her and James suggested they go shopping for a ring that weekend.

  ‘Then I’ll take you home to show your future in-laws. If it’s alright with you, darling, I’ll tell the parents our good news when I get home.’

  She agreed and walked him to the car, threw her arms round him and kissed him soundly.

  ‘Don’t let’s wait too long before we get married, James.’

  ‘We’ll talk about it later, darling.’ He got into the car and drove away.

  Henry was sitting in the living room when she returned, her mother in the kitchen.

  ‘Sit down, Helen, I want to talk to you,’ he said.

  She noted his serious expression and sat beside him.

  ‘James is a lovely young man and I couldn’t wish for a nicer son-in-law, but he isn’t yet fully recovered, is he?’

  ‘No, Dad. I’m well aware that he has a long way to go yet, but I want to be there to help him.’

  ‘That’s very loyal of you, Helen, but it does concern me. Will you be able to cope – and how will it affect your marriage?’

  ‘We will just have to take it one day at a time. I love him and he loves me. Together we will overcome whatever is before us.’

  ‘If you have any doubts, Helen, now is the time to address them, not when it’s too late.’

  ‘I know and thank you for looking after me as you have always done, but my mind’s made up.’

  ‘Then we’ll say no more about it. Come and give your old dad a kiss. It isn’t every day one’s only daughter gets engaged.’

  Things were not so happy in the Carson household. Richard was still restless and had refused the suggestion of Ann’s that they go away for a week’s holiday to the West Country.

  ‘It’s the wrong time of year,’ he said, ‘it’ll be cold and miserable. Let’s wait at least until the spring.’

  ‘But you’ll be back working then!’

  Her protest was ignored.

  ‘In any case,’ he said, ‘I need to go away for a couple of days on business.’

  ‘Really? That’s a bit sudden, isn’t it?’

  ‘I need to get some things settled before I start back at the hospital. I’ll be leaving in the morning.’ He left the room without another word.

  Ann was at a loss to understand this turn of events. There had been no mail for Richard, no phone calls that could have propelled his having to leave. Was he going to visit this woman – this Helen, whoever she was? As yet she’d decided not to mention his calling for the stranger in his sleep. She was frightened of making waves that might endanger her marriage even more and had kept silent. She decided to wait and see how Richard reacted on his return. Then who knew, it might be legitimate and all her fears would have been unfounded.

  Upstairs in the bedroom, Richard put some fresh underwear, a couple of clean shirts and his shaving gear into an overnight bag, checked his wallet, left the house and made his way to the station, where he bought himself a return ticket to Cheltenham.

  Helen was having dinner with her family when the telephone rang.

  ‘I’ll get it,’ she said, ‘it might be James.’ She walked into the hallway and picked up the phone, lifting the receiver from its holder.

  ‘Hello.’

  ‘Helen, is that you? It’s Richard.’

  ‘Richard?’ She couldn’t keep the note of surprise from her voice. ‘Where are you?’

  ‘I’ve just arrived in Cheltenham. Could we meet for coffee tomorrow morning at my hotel?’

  ‘Is everything alright? You sound a bit strange.’

  ‘No, I’m fine. I just need to talk to you before I return to duty. About eleven o’clock? Please say you’ll come. It’s important.’

  ‘But of course I’ll come. Where are you staying?’

  ‘The Carleton. I’ll meet you in the residents’ lounge. See you then.’ He hung up.

  As she returned to the dining room, she was puzzled. What on earth could bring him to Cheltenham that was so important?

  ‘Was that James?’ Henry asked.

  ‘No. It was Richard. He’s in Cheltenham and wants to meet me tomorrow at his hotel. I can’t imagine why.’

  ‘Perhaps it’s about working with him,’ suggested her mother.

  ‘Oh well, I’ll find out tomorrow. I’ll enquire about the time of the trains after dinner.’ But she couldn’t get out of her mind the tenseness in Richard’s tone. Was something wrong?

  It wa
s just after eleven o’clock the next day that Helen walked into the Carleton Hotel and made her way to the residents’ lounge, where she saw Richard waiting. He immediately rose to his feet.

  Walking over to him she said, ‘Hello, this is a surprise.’

  He kissed her cheek, helped her off with her coat, then they sat down and he called the waiter over to order coffee and biscuits.

  ‘I don’t have to ask how you are, my dear Helen. You look wonderful. The rest has done you the world of good.’

  She looked at him and smiled. ‘I must say you look so different out of uniform. Most elegant and City of London.’ She gazed around. ‘No bowler hat?’

  ‘Can’t stand them,’ he laughed. ‘It’s good to divest oneself from the army for a while.’

  The waiter placed a tray with cups, saucers, a large pot of coffee, a jug of milk and a plate of biscuits before them, then left.

  ‘Shall I be mother?’ Richard asked with a grin.

  ‘Carry on, do.’

  Once he had done so, Helen looked at him and asked, ‘What has brought you to Cheltenham to talk to me? You said it was important.’

  Frowning, he said, ‘I don’t really know where to begin.’ He sipped his coffee. ‘I was thrilled as we all were that the war was over and at last we could come home, but to be honest, I’m damned if I can settle. I’m like a cat on hot bricks.’

  ‘But that’s understandable, Richard. We all found it hard.’

  Gazing at her he said, ‘But for me it’s more than that. I find I can no longer fulfil my role as a husband.’

  ‘I don’t understand,’ she said, surprised at his remark, and puzzled.

  He took a deep drink of his coffee and putting down the cup he said, ‘I no longer wish to be with my wife. I don’t love her. I feel as guilty as hell because she’s a good woman and doesn’t deserve this.’

  Helen was shocked. ‘But that’s awful! Don’t you think it’s just having been away for so long? The things we’ve been through, the war. Peacetime is so different. I’m sure all you need is time.’

  ‘No, Helen – all I need is you! That’s why I’m here.’

  Stunned by his declaration, she was speechless.

  He continued. ‘You once asked me if I would divorce my wife for you and I was silent. Now if you ask me, I’ll say yes.’

  Oh my God, she thought, this is a terrible situation. What on earth am I going to say? After all, here was the man she admired as a surgeon, a man she’d taken to her bed and with whom she’d enjoyed a long and passionate affair. A man she would have married if, at that time during the war, he had said he would leave his wife for her, but now she would have to be careful how she let him down. Already it was obvious he was in a bad place, she didn’t want to completely destroy him.

  ‘Oh, dear Richard. It’s not me you want, what you want is time to return to normality. If a soldier came to you and said the same, you would tell him to go home and give it time. You say your wife is a good woman, well she too must be going through it, not understanding you in this state of mind. You have to try, Richard, you have at least to try.’

  He looked at her hands. ‘I see you are still wearing Havers’ signet ring on your right hand, but I don’t see a ring on the other. Does that mean you’re just friends still?’

  What was she to say? She couldn’t lie.

  ‘As a matter of fact, we became engaged yesterday.’

  His eyes narrowed. ‘Where’s your ring, then?’

  ‘We’re going to buy one on Saturday.’

  ‘I see.’ He leant back in his chair and lit a cigarette.

  ‘How is your soldier, health-wise?’

  Helen took a deep breath. ‘His leg and other injuries have healed, thanks to your surgery, but he does suffer with nightmares still, but he’ll be fine in time.’

  Richard sat up and leant forward. ‘You’re not marrying him to look after him, are you? You don’t have to marry him to nurse him, you know. Don’t get your emotions jumbled, Helen, you could be making a huge mistake.’

  ‘No, Richard, really I’m not. From the moment I saw James laid out in the operating theatre in Rouen, I knew I wanted to be with him. We love each other.’

  He looked shattered. ‘I don’t know about you, Helen, but I need a drink.’ He called the waiter over and ordered two brandies and more coffee.

  ‘Are you absolutely sure you’re doing the right thing? You’re not confusing love for a need to nurse another injured soul?’

  She shook her head. ‘No, Richard, honestly. I do love James.’

  When his order arrived, he picked up the brandy goblet and held it up.

  ‘To you, my very dear lady. I missed my chance, but at least we did have some time together as lovers, and those I’ll treasure.’

  ‘Please when you go home, Richard, do try and repair your marriage. It might sound hypocritical coming from me, but as I once told you, when it was obvious you wouldn’t leave your wife, what we had was of the moment, it was never meant to be the future. Please try. You say your wife is a good woman, so don’t ruin her life. You owe it to her to try and get back to normal.’

  He gave a wry smile. ‘Helen, my dear, none of us will ever be able to be really normal, not after being involved in a war and what we’ve been through. Yes, in the end the memories will fade, but they’ll never ever be completely forgotten.’

  ‘But think of the many lives you saved, Richard. Think of the men who survived because of you.’

  ‘I seem only to remember the poor devils who lost limbs and whose families will suffer because of that.’

  ‘Yes, but at least their families aren’t grieving because they died!’

  ‘I wish I could be as positive as you are.’

  ‘That’s only because you’re confused at the moment, eventually everything will fall into place.’

  He let out a deep sigh. ‘I do hope you’re right. I’ll be better when I get back to work. Being idle isn’t my style.’

  ‘Why don’t you go away for a break somewhere? Then you’d have a change of scenery and things to do to fill your time.’

  ‘Strange you should say that, Ann suggested it only the other day and I refused.’

  ‘Then go home and change your mind.’ She rose from her seat.

  ‘You’re leaving?’ he asked with some surprise.

  ‘Yes, Richard. I think it’s for the best. You came to ask me a question and I’ve given you my answer. There’s no point in prolonging our meeting. I’ll always remember our time together, but now we have both to get on with our lives. I just hope eventually you’ll be happy.’

  He stood up and pulling her close to him he said, ‘You too. I think you are in for a tough time with Havers but I wish you well, both of you.’ He kissed her softly on the mouth.

  Helen walked away, filled with mixed emotions. They had been so close for so long, she and Richard, and now when it was far too late – he wanted to marry her. What a mess! She walked around for some time to try and calm her inner turmoil. Richard was a brilliant surgeon with a great future, she only hoped that his wife would be there to share the accolades that were certain to come his way.

  He had said she would have a tough time with James and she knew that he was probably right in his assumption, but she would manage somehow. Feeling somewhat better, she headed for the shops.

  Chapter Fourteen

  An hour later, Richard checked out of his hotel and caught a train to London. As he sat in his carriage, he went over his conversation with Helen. So she was set on giving up her career to marry James Havers. She was adamant that she loved him and he believed her, but he was fearful for their future. Helen seemed sure that James would recover and it was possible that the dreams would eventually fade, but during those times, would their marriage survive? The men suffering with this problem usually became deeply depressed and depression was debilitating and difficult to handle. Helen would need all her knowledge and patience to cope.

  Now he’d seen her and realised s
he wouldn’t be part of his life after all, he had to make some serious decisions himself. Helen had rightly said his wife must be suffering, knowing that their marriage was in crisis. I’m such a bastard, he thought, treating Ann so. He’d been so selfish, so immersed in his own needs, he’d given her little thought and now he felt guilty. I have two choices he decided. One, to move out and live alone, or two, to try and repair my marriage.

  He tried to think back to before he was sent abroad. He and Ann had a decent marriage, they chugged along well enough. They’d never had children, it just hadn’t happened and they had accepted that. Richard and she had a busy social life – yes, he thought, their marriage, although not exciting, had been solid. Poor Ann, she must be unhappy and totally confused by his actions. He made a decision. When I get home, I’ll say I’ve changed my mind and we’ll go away. Start again. It was the right thing to do.

  Ann Carson was sitting reading the paper when she heard the key put in the door lock. She looked at her watch, it was almost five o’clock. She rose to her feet and walked to the hallway. She’d not expected Richard until tomorrow as he’d said he’d be away a couple of days. She saw him hanging up his coat in the hall.

  ‘Hello, I wasn’t expecting you today.’

  Walking over to her he kissed her cheek. ‘Well the meeting was over sooner than I expected. Any chance of a cup of tea, I’m parched?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’ She wandered into the kitchen. He seemed alright, she mused. Perhaps it was a genuine business meeting, after all, and not one with this woman, Helen. Maybe she was worrying about nothing … or was she?

  As Ann prepared the tea, Richard called to her.

  ‘You know you suggested a trip to the West Country before I left? Well, I’ve given it some thought and I think your idea is a good one. It’ll be nice to have a break before I go back to work. What do you think?’