An Uncertain Heart

by June Tate

  She was so surprised she didn’t know what to think, but she didn’t hesitate with her answer. ‘I think it would do us both good.’

  What did she mean by that, Richard wondered? Was she making a point? He decided to let it be.

  ‘I’ll try and fix something up in the morning. Would you like to go out to dinner this evening? It’ll save you cooking.’

  Ann walked back into the room with the tray of tea and looked at him, wondering just what had changed his mind? The irritable man that she’d had to cope with since his return seemed to have mellowed. Well, thank God for that! She was sick to death with his attitude.

  ‘Yes, that’d be lovely. I’ll go and change after I’ve had my cup of tea.’

  Later that evening they walked to a nearby restaurant where they were led to a table and ordered. Richard asked for the wine list and chose from it.

  ‘My dear Ann, I feel I owe you an apology,’ he said.

  She looked at him in surprise. ‘Really? Why is that?’

  ‘Because I’ve been so difficult to live with since my return. I know I’ve been like a bear with a sore head and treated you badly and I’m sorry.’

  Ann stared at him across the table. ‘Yes, you have. You’ve been impossible to live with at times, however I made allowances for you. I realise that anyone returning from the war would find the change difficult. It hasn’t been easy for me either!’

  He felt guilty and the sharpness of her tone only showed how much he’d put her through. He knew he’d have to try and make it up to her if their marriage was to be stable once again.

  ‘That’s why I realise we have to go away. A fresh start, to get back to normality.’

  ‘But we can’t ever get back to normality, Richard.’

  ‘What on earth do you mean?’

  She was determined to hold her ground. After all, she too had had to make a life during the time he’d been away, never knowing if one day she’d receive the news that he’d been killed, living with that uncertainty. Now he was back, a different man, and she, a different woman.

  ‘I’ve had to make a life for myself during your absence, as you know. I told you about the committee I’m on, well that’s only one. I have other commitments too and I have new friends who kept me going whilst you were away. I’ll still see them. Your being home doesn’t change any of those things. They are as important to me as your work is to you.’

  He was amazed. This wasn’t the woman he’d left. The wife who was always at home. The wife who accompanied him to the many social events his life had required. He didn’t know how to handle it. He tried to placate her.

  ‘Of course I wouldn’t expect you to give up your charity work. I think you’re doing a great service to the men who fought for their country. I told you so.’

  ‘Good. As long as you understand I won’t always be available.’

  He gazed at her with a certain admiration. He liked a woman with spirit, but was surprised to find it in his wife who, before, had always been so compliant.

  The waiter came and served their first course.

  As they ate, Richard asked her if there was anywhere in particular she’d like to go to down in the West Country.

  ‘Not especially,’ she said. ‘I’ll leave the choice to you.’

  They chatted during the meal, Richard asking about mutual friends, finding out what had happened to them, until they walked back to the house where they had a nightcap before going to bed.

  But when in bed and Richard reached out to her, Ann caught hold of his hand.

  ‘I’m tired,’ she said and turned her back to him, smiling to herself as she settled.

  Rejection works both ways, Richard, she thought. Now it’s your turn!

  Chapter Fifteen

  Back in the Cotswolds, James had told his parents about his engagement and they were delighted. Edward shook his hand warmly.

  ‘Helen is a lovely woman,’ Frances said as she gave him a hug. ‘I can’t think of anyone who would make a nicer daughter-in-law.’

  ‘Well that’s a relief, Mother,’ he teased, ‘because there isn’t anyone else I’d want as my bride!’

  But later when he was with his father in his study, he asked Edward’s advice.

  ‘Do you think I’m doing the right thing, marrying Helen?’

  Edward looked concerned. ‘Bit late to begin to have doubts, isn’t it, James? You love her, don’t you?’

  ‘Of course I do, but you know my position health-wise, my nightmares haven’t gone away. What if they never do? Am I being fair to Helen, asking her to live with this cursed thing?’

  ‘Come now, haven’t you discussed this with her?’

  ‘Of course! But she says we’ll work it out. She’s under the impression that eventually they will cease. I’m not so sure.’ He grinned broadly. ‘She actually gave me a lecture about my attitude, about being a pessimist.’

  ‘Quite right too. You are a lucky man, my son, to have such a woman by your side. What else has she had to say about your future?’

  ‘She suggested when I leave the army, I start a riding school. I quite like the idea – what do you think?’

  ‘I think it’s splendid! You have Cleo and Miss Millie, they are both suitable for beginners, and if it’s a success, you could expand.’

  ‘It means using the stables, would you and Mother mind?’

  ‘Absolutely not!’

  ‘I intend to find us somewhere to live nearby, so we will have our own home.’

  ‘And the wedding? When do you intend to have that?’

  ‘We haven’t yet discussed it, but Helen doesn’t want to wait too long.’ He frowned. ‘I hope she only wants a quiet wedding. You know how I am with lots of people. I wouldn’t want to have a panic attack and spoil her day.’

  ‘Then you must tell her.’

  Helen was having a similar conversation with her mother, sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee.

  ‘It has to be a small wedding, Mum. James isn’t good with a crowd and I don’t want him fretting, not on our wedding day. Besides, a wedding should only be shared by those who are close to the bride and groom, who mean something.’

  ‘I agree, Helen, and I understand, but I do hope you’ll have the ceremony in our local church.’

  Helen put an arm around her mother’s shoulders.

  ‘Of course, where else would I go? But before that, James has to resign his commission and we have to find somewhere to live.’

  The following Saturday, James and Helen drove into Cheltenham to the jewellers to choose an engagement ring. She had a great time, trying them all on, but in the end she chose a half-hoop of emeralds and diamonds. Then they went into a hotel where they drank a glass of champagne as he put the ring on her finger.

  James held up his glass. ‘To us!’

  She did the same. ‘To us!’

  He leant forward and said quietly. ‘Now then, don’t forget your promise to me.’

  She looked puzzled. ‘What promise was that?’

  He held up his left hand and wiggled his fingers at her.

  Helen was convulsed with laughter. ‘You have no idea just how silly you look doing that.’

  ‘Yes, maybe, but remember what you said. I’m keeping you to your word.’

  She just grinned at him and sipped her champagne, but over the rim of her glass, her eyes twinkled, full of mischief.

  To James’s relief he discovered that he could write to his commander to resign his commission, without the dreaded trip to the metropolis. As he was doing so on medical grounds, he had to submit his doctor’s report with his letter and then wait for a reply accepting his resignation. It was a relief to both him and Helen.

  She was staying at Gately Manor to continue her riding lessons and to be on hand whilst they searched for a house. They had decided to hold the wedding in June, three months hence. It was a busy time and James was coping really well. His room downstairs had now been moved to his old bedroom upstairs and Helen was ensconced next door.


  When they went to bed on the first evening, James waited for Helen to open her door. She turned and saw him leaning against the wall, smiling.

  ‘What?’ she asked.

  ‘I’ve come for my promise,’ he said. ‘You have the ring, so …?’

  Helen grinned at him and holding out her hand she said, ‘Come into my parlour!’

  During her stay, they behaved in a considerate manner, respecting the rules of morality to all outward signs, but slipping into each other’s rooms on occasion to make love, returning to their own room after.

  One night after having sex, James was holding Helen in his arms when he started to chuckle quietly.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ asked Helen.

  ‘Well you don’t think we’re fooling anyone, do you? I’m sure both my parents are aware of our arrangements, but are marvellously ignoring it.’

  She was horrified. ‘Do you think so, honestly?’

  ‘Now don’t go all shy on me, darling, or I may have to cancel the wedding!’

  She playfully punched him. ‘Don’t even think about it.’

  But at breakfast the following morning, she looked at Edward who was eating his toast and began to blush. James saw her cheeks redden and guessed why.

  Unable to find a house they liked, he and Helen rented a small thatched-roof cottage nearby. It was nicely furnished, with a small garden which would suit their needs temporarily, when they married.

  Both parents met with the happy couple to plan the wedding, the reception to be held at a hotel near to the church. They eventually arrived at a list of thirty guests, chose a menu, then sent out the invitations.

  Helen and her mother decided to shop in London for her wedding dress.

  ‘We’ll go to Selfridges,’ Margaret said, ‘and I must find something to wear too. I’m sure we’ll find something suitable there, then after we can go out to lunch.’

  The assistant in the wedding department was most helpful. She eyed Helen’s slim figure and questioned her about her preferences.

  ‘To be honest, I’ve come with an open mind, apart from something classic and not fussy.’

  The women sat as the girl brought out several wedding gowns to show them, then Helen tried on one after the other, until she was shown an ivory-coloured silk dress. It was beautifully cut, with a V-neck, long sleeves, a fitted waist with a wide, pleated waistband and handkerchief skirt, just below the calf.

  ‘Helen, my dear, that’s absolutely lovely,’ declared Margaret.

  Turning back and forth, Helen agreed.

  ‘I love it and it fits perfectly, but what about a veil and headdress?’

  ‘I have just the thing,’ said the assistant and disappeared, only to emerge minutes later. ‘As you are wearing your hair short, madam, this lace skullcap and veil would be perfect I think. Try it.’

  The veil was gossamer thin, attached to the back of the delicate laced cloche-shaped cap. It was simple and classy. They all agreed that it couldn’t be bettered and when the assistant sent for a pair of court shoes in matching satin, the outfit was complete.

  ‘Now, young lady,’ said Margaret, ‘as the mother of the bride, I need something elegant. What do you suggest I wear?’

  Eventually Margaret decided on a light, burgundy-coloured gown with a round neck and a draped bodice that finished with a bow on the hip. To go with it, a broad-brimmed matching straw hat decorated with a long feather across the brim and crown.

  ‘If I may say, ladies, you both look very elegant,’ said the assistant.

  They thanked her for her time and trouble. As they waited for their purchases to be wrapped they were delighted to be served a glass of champagne.

  ‘Mr Selfridge insists we serve champagne when anyone purchases from our bridal section,’ said the girl. ‘I wish you every happiness, madam,’ she said to Helen.

  As they left the store, Margaret turned to her daughter.

  ‘Well, darling, after that there is but one place to go to lunch, and that’s the Ritz!’

  Whilst Helen and her mother were enjoying their trip to London, Richard and Ann were settling into their hotel in Torquay. Their room was at the front on the first floor, overlooking the sea. They unpacked and decided to go for a walk before eating. Ann had taken sandwiches for the journey to sustain them and so they were able to wander without feeling ravenous. They came across a local pub and decided to stop for a drink.

  Once settled, Richard took a sip of his beer and looking out of the window, spoke.

  ‘I wouldn’t mind retiring down here, you know.’

  Ann looked at him in surprise, then started laughing. ‘You’d hate it! You like the bustle of the city, your club, socialising. Without that, you’d go crazy. Let’s be honest, Richard, you enjoy your place in society; here you wouldn’t know a soul. You’d be like a fish out of water.’

  He pondered over her words. Ann was right. He did like his life in London. He did enjoy a social life surrounded by friends with like minds. He did hold a certain position and enjoyed his place in society. She was correct in every way, but he was surprised to hear her put it into words. He wasn’t used to his wife having such strong opinions of her own. The woman he’d left behind had been a gentle soul, quiet. If he was honest … a little dull because of it. Now – it was like being with a different woman. It was intriguing, to say the least.

  ‘You’ve changed, you know,’ he said as he looked at her. ‘It’s like coming home to a new woman. You have become more decisive, with a mind of your own. How did that happen?’

  ‘I had to fend for myself, Richard! Before, you made all the arrangements. Where we would go, who we would meet and sometimes even which gown I should wear. I was like a puppet! Now I’m not and, if we’re being honest, I wasn’t happy. I was just an appendage to you, I now realise.’

  He was taken aback at her remarks. ‘That’s being somewhat harsh, my dear. I’m sure it wasn’t like that at all.’

  ‘You know very well that it was, but not any longer. I’m a woman with responsibilities to others now and I’m afraid that sometimes you’ll have to fit in with me, as I won’t always be available.’

  He had to smile at the change in his wife. He rather liked it. He’d always liked spirited women, but just not in the one he married. His eyes twinkled as he looked at her.

  ‘I have to say, Ann, this new you is quite fascinating.’

  Her expression didn’t change at his flattery. She met his gaze, her eyes glittering.

  ‘More so than Helen?’

  He froze. ‘Helen?’

  ‘Yes, Helen. Tell me about her.’

  ‘I only know one woman by that name and that’s my theatre sister, Helen Chalmers.’

  ‘How long have you been working together?’

  ‘This past year. We arrived at the front at the same time.’

  ‘Is she good at her job?’

  ‘Yes, she’s the best theatre sister I’ve ever worked with, but why all these questions?’

  ‘Oh, I think you did more than work with her, Richard, or why would you call her name in your sleep?’

  He was shattered and at a loss for words. Furious, also, that he could have been so stupid to have called her name. Whatever was he to say?

  ‘I must have been dreaming about an operation,’ he said.

  Ann studied his face. Was he lying? It could be the truth, but how far did she want to push it, she asked herself?

  ‘Where is she now, do you know?’

  ‘As a matter of fact I do. She’s at home in the Cotswolds with her family, planning her wedding to an army captain that I operated on.’

  Now it was Ann who was lost for words. Had she been wrong in her suspicions? Even if she was right and Richard had been having an affair, it was obviously over and if she wanted to remain married, she’d have to leave it there. She stared hard at her husband and thought of the years she’d stood beside him at some social event as his wife, therefore being also held in esteem. Well, now she’d achieved
a life of her own, which she intended still to follow, being his wife would suit her very well. She had a beautiful home that she loved, and a position that she’d probably enjoy more now that she’d discovered who she was. Yes, she would leave the matter there. Richard had been shaken by her questioning and that would have made him realise she wasn’t a fool. She smiled softly at him.

  ‘Well, let’s hope the couple will be very happy together.’

  Richard felt his shoulders relax. He’d been very tense during Ann’s questioning, wondering if his affair was about to be discovered. He lifted his glass.

  ‘I’ll drink to that,’ he said.

  Chapter Sixteen

  It was the day of the wedding and the weather had been kind. The sun was shining and there was a gentle breeze. The wedding was to be at noon, which gave everybody time to prepare. Helen and her mother had an early appointment at the hairdressers for their Marcel Wave before they started dressing in their regalia.

  The Havers had booked into the hotel the night before to save them having to drive over from Cheltenham for the ceremony.

  As James had told her, ‘It will be safer as Dad is driving and it would be terrible if the car broke down and I was late.’

  ‘I should think so,’ Helen said, ‘after all, it’s the bride’s prerogative to be late, not the groom’s!’

  Henry was relieved that it wasn’t raining as he’d arranged for the bride to be driven to the church in a horse-drawn buggy and it would have ruined the whole thing had it been wet.

  Then it was time to leave. Margaret had gone ahead, giving Helen a kiss before she did so.

  ‘You look absolutely beautiful, darling,’ she said. ‘I’ll see you in church.’

  Now Henry looked at the bride. ‘Are you ready, my dear daughter?’

  ‘Yes, I am.’ She leant forward and kissed his cheek.

  He led her outside where several of the neighbours stood waiting to catch a glimpse of the bride, calling out their best wishes and watching as Henry helped Helen into the buggy, holding her veil so she wouldn’t crush it, then they were off.