An Uncertain Heart

by June Tate

  James was standing by his seat in the aisle beside his best man, Alexander Hardcastle, a fellow officer and friend, both resplendent in the grey coat-tails, with Alexander trying to calm the groom.

  ‘For goodness’ sake, James, take a deep breath or something, it won’t be long. Sit down for a moment, we’ll know when she’s here because the organ will play.’

  James sat and tried to relax. It wasn’t as if he was worried Helen wouldn’t come, he knew that she would, but he couldn’t shake off the fears of his mental illness and its consequences. The organ struck up and he rose to his feet.

  To the strains of the ‘Wedding March’, Henry, smiling, proudly walked his daughter down the aisle and in the absence of a bridesmaid, took her bouquet as he handed her to James.

  Helen took James’s hand and squeezed it; seeing her groom’s tense expression, she grinned at him and poked her tongue out just a little.

  This immediately broke the tension and she heard him chuckle as he squeezed her hand in return.

  An hour later, Mr and Mrs James Havers walked out of the church together, where they stood in the doorway to have their picture taken. James leant forward and kissed Helen.

  ‘Hello, Mrs Havers, my wife. I do like the sound of that.’

  ‘I quite like it myself,’ she laughed. ‘My husband … just practising.’

  The rest of the guests filtered out and stood for the photographs and then showered the couple with confetti as they made their way to the buggy for their short ride to the hotel.

  ‘Best not let Cleo know about this,’ he teased, ‘she’d never talk to me again.’ He put his arm round Helen. ‘You look absolutely beautiful, darling. I’m such a lucky man.’

  ‘Indeed you are and don’t you ever forget it. But you’re not bad-looking yourself, so I don’t think I’ve done too badly either.’

  James started laughing. ‘Oh, Helen, don’t ever change. A sense of humour is as essential as life itself.’

  The reception was laid out in small round tables where guests had been seated so they intermingled both families and friends to make it more friendly, without any demarcation, everyone introducing themselves to the others. A top table had been dispensed with, making it a less formal affair, although the married couple shared a table with their parents, best man and his girlfriend.

  James was prepared as the champagne bottles were opened for the toast after the meal and allowed himself a sly smile as he remembered the scene at the manor when he’d been taken by surprise and hit the floor thinking the noise was gunfire.

  Alexander, as best man, stood up, tapped the side of the glass for silence and gave his speech.

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming here today to see this fine young man wed this beautiful lady. Frankly I never thought I’d see the day. I was convinced that the only woman in his life would always be Cleo.’

  There was laughter from those who knew of James’s love of his favourite steed.

  ‘Therefore I’m greatly relieved to see that he has come to his senses at last! Obviously being sent across the Channel has broadened his outlook on life.’ He didn’t speak for long, just exchanged a few stories of their friendship and how he was delighted to be the best man.

  ‘Now, ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding and drink to the health of Helen and James.’

  ‘Helen and James,’ they all said as they stood and raised their glasses, then sat down.

  James rose from his chair. ‘Thank you all for sharing what is the happiest day of my life. How I ever persuaded Helen to marry me, I’ll never know. We met during the war and then when I was injured, she nursed me back to health. I think she invested so much time in doing so, she decided she’d better marry me to make sure I didn’t undo all her hard work.’ He looked down at her and smiled, then spoke directly to her. ‘Whatever the reason, darling, I promise you’ll never regret it.’ He leant forward and kissed her, then sat down, amidst loud applause.

  At the same time as James was giving his speech, Richard, sitting alone in his club in London, silently raised a glass of Scotch and toasted the couple. Their forthcoming wedding had been announced in The Times newspaper and he’d seen it, and although he knew it was taking place, he felt saddened. Today Helen became Mrs James Havers and was lost to him for ever. If he was honest, she had been back in France, when James had been brought into the operating theatre, so badly injured. He realised then he no longer had a place in her life, other than a memory.

  During their holiday in the West Country, he and Ann had resumed marital relations. She seemed to have put her suspicions of Helen behind her. But he had been glad to be working again, back into a routine. He didn’t enjoy having time on his hands, but now he had to consider his wife’s busy schedule too, which had taken him some time to get used to. She wasn’t always at hand to share his mealtimes, but she would leave something for him to warm in the oven – a covered dish, with written instructions as to how hot the oven had to be and how long to leave the dish inside to warm. It wasn’t something he enjoyed but he had no choice, Ann had made that very clear. Sometimes, if he knew in advance she was to be out, he would dine at his club, which suited him better. He wasn’t domesticated and, never having had to be so, wasn’t comfortable with having to look after himself.

  By contrast, Ann was enjoying her life. She had become more independent and confident during Richard’s absence, making a new life for herself, and she thrived on it. Today she was being taken to lunch by Clive Bradshaw. They enjoyed working together at the forces charity and had become firm friends and for the past couple of months had met for lunch once a week, after the committee meeting.

  ‘How’s your husband settling now he’s back at the hospital?’ asked Clive.

  ‘Oh, much happier. He likes routine and being busy.’

  ‘If he likes routine, it must be a surprise to him that yours has changed so much.’

  Chuckling she said, ‘Oh, he doesn’t like it at all. Richard was used to me being at his beck and call and finds it difficult to have to cope for himself when I’m not there. He’s used to being waited on.’

  Clive studied her for a moment. ‘Are you still in love with him?’

  Somewhat startled by his question she said, ‘What a very strange thing to ask. He’s my husband.’

  ‘That’s hardly an answer. Forgive me for being so blunt but when you speak of him, it’s never with any note of affection. You told me when he first returned things were difficult – well that was to be expected – but now, there still isn’t any warmth in your voice when you mention him.’

  Ann was silent as she pondered over his remark and thought back to her first meeting with Richard.

  ‘I suppose I was rather overwhelmed by him when first we met. He was headed for great things even then. He had a strong personality, and if I’m honest, I was in love with him then, or rather who he was and what he was and that he’d asked me out when he could have had anyone.’ She paused for a moment. ‘Now, I love Richard, but I’m no longer in love with him. Does that make sense?’

  ‘Perfect sense. During his absence, you’ve blossomed, come out of your shell and what’s more important, you have grown in confidence. I’ve watched it happen.’

  She laughed with glee. ‘Oh, Clive, you are so good for me.’

  ‘I just think you’re wasted on that man. He doesn’t appreciate you and that’s not only unfair but an absolute travesty. You deserve so much more.’

  Ann gazed at her companion and saw the affection in his eyes as he spoke. It was only then she realised that he had feelings for her that were more than friendship and wondered why she’d not noticed it before. She didn’t know what to say because deep down she liked what she was hearing. Richard had never looked at her like Clive was doing at this moment.

  ‘I don’t know what to say,’ she murmured, feeling her cheeks flush.

  ‘If you were mine, my dear Ann, you would be cosseted, cared for and loved as you deserve.’

 
‘You have to stop this, Clive. I am married to Richard, for better or worse. Please don’t complicate my life any further.’

  ‘Very well, if that’s what you wish.’ He changed the subject. But as they parted after their meal, instead of his usual goodbye, he lifted her hand to his lips. Then walked away.

  Having arrived home, Ann removed her hat and gloves and made her way to the living room and poured herself a stiff drink, sat down and sipped it. She was still reeling from the conversation over lunch. Then she smiled slowly. Having someone declare their love for you was very pleasing and when it was when you were married to another man, it seemed a bit naughty too, which made it even more pleasurable.

  Leaning back against the sofa, she let her imagination run. She was in a hotel room with Clive and he was kissing her, caressing her. She stretched languidly as she enjoyed the fantasy.

  Then she sat up straight. How stupid! She was behaving like a lovesick girl. She took another sip of her drink and smiled softly. Nevertheless, it had been fun. But of course now, she realised, the meetings at the charity would continue but the relationship she and Clive had shared for a year as friends would have different connotations. Despite herself, Ann couldn’t help being excited by this. How interesting life had suddenly become!

  Chapter Seventeen

  James and Helen had chosen the New Forest in Hampshire for their honeymoon. Somewhere reasonably quiet, without too many tourists, which James would have difficulty coping with. Their hotel was in Brockenhurst, in the middle of the forest, where they could walk, look at the New Forest ponies and enjoy the beautiful countryside.

  It was an idyllic time for both of them. The weather remained kind, so they took the train to Lymington one day and ate in a small restaurant near the harbour, enjoying the change of scenery, and James was improving as each day passed. He was learning to cope with enclosed places as long as they weren’t too crowded, and if he found it was too much, he’d quietly say so and they would leave. But his confidence was growing, which thrilled Helen.

  They began making plans for him to start his riding school on their return, now that James was no longer in the army. He had the two horses, he’d use the stables, he had a practice ring, and all he needed were clients. They planned to advertise in the local paper.

  ‘Won’t you be lost without your nursing?’

  ‘No, darling, I’ll be looking after the cottage and I can take care of the bookings and appointments. I’ll be your receptionist.’

  ‘We’d better get a telephone installed in the cottage. I can’t encroach on the manor too much, it wouldn’t be fair.’

  ‘Will you be teaching your female clients to ride side-saddle or astride, like me?’

  ‘It will depend on the client, I suppose. How much experience they’ve had – if any – and whatever they choose. Mother sometimes rides side-saddle and there are a couple in the tack room. I don’t want you to worry about finance, darling. I mean yes, I want to work and keep occupied but I do have money of my own that my grandfather left me.’

  Her eyes twinkled. ‘Are you telling me the man I married is wealthy?’

  ‘I’m just saying you’ve nothing to worry about. But what I do know is you married me only for my good looks and not my fortune!’ He beamed at her, then started laughing. ‘Oh, Helen, if only you could see your face. Believe me, we’ll have a good life, no matter what.’

  They decided they’d return to the hotel, so calling the waiter over, James paid the bill and rose from his seat, holding Helen’s chair for her. As they started to walk towards the door, a young waitress tripped and dropped the tray she was carrying, which was full of dishes and glasses. The noise was thunderous.

  James grabbed Helen and threw her to the ground, covering her with his body, eyes closed, body tense. Around them lay spilt tables he’d knocked over as he dived for the floor.

  For a few moments, Helen, winded, stunned and disorientated, lay still, then she realised where she was and what had happened.

  ‘James,’ she said quietly but firmly. ‘You can get off me now. It’s alright, it wasn’t a bomb, a girl dropped a tray.’

  He slowly got to his feet and saw the chaos around him, the upturned tables, the faces of the diners, the staff who just stood like statues, staring at him. Helping Helen up from the floor, he immediately began to apologise.

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m dreadfully sorry for all this and I hope I didn’t scare you too much. Frankly, it scared me to death. You see, ever since I came back from the war, loud noises make me dive for the trenches. I forget where I am for a moment.’

  There was a murmuring of acceptance from those sitting down, and walking over to the manager, James apologised again. Giving him a business card, he told him he would settle for the damage he may have caused.

  Helen walked over to him and took him by the arm. They left the restaurant together.

  James walked a few yards, then sat on a low wall and with trembling hands lit a cigarette, took a deep drag of nicotine and looked at his bride.

  ‘Christ! What a mess that was. Are you alright, darling? I do hope I didn’t hurt you, throwing you down like that.’ He looked at his feet, shaking his head.

  Helen sat beside him and tucked her arm through his. ‘You are my hero.’

  ‘What?’ James looked up at her. ‘Hero? Bloody idiot, more like!’

  ‘No, my darling, definitely hero. You thought you were saving my life. You lay on top of me to protect me. Definitely my hero!’

  ‘Oh, Helen, you are too kind, but it is what it is. Just another war wound, but not wrapped in a bandage. This one is deadly, because it’s hidden and makes an appearance unexpectedly – like today. I scared those people in the restaurant half to death and I’m lucky that I didn’t do you any physical harm.’

  ‘Every word you say is true and I can’t tell you this won’t happen again, because it probably will, but in time, it’ll happen less and less. You just have to be patient.’

  ‘But imagine if I open a riding school, what if that happened when I was out with the horses and a client? I could spook the horses, they could take off. Can you imagine a learner rider and a runaway horse? I must have been mad to think I could start that kind of business.’

  ‘Then we’ll have to think of something else. Come along, darling, you can’t give in that easily. It’s just a setback, that’s all.’

  But it was far more than that. It was as if the wonderful light of happiness that had been in James’s eyes had been turned down and he sank into despair. No matter what Helen did to try and get him out of his darkness, she couldn’t reach him. Eventually they went home two days early, without telling anyone of their arrival in the hopes that being at home among their own things and background, James would be able to pull himself out of the pit of depression he was in.

  The morning after their arrival as they sat having breakfast Helen made a decision.

  ‘Don’t be too long, James, because you and I are going riding when you’ve finished. It’s time to return to a routine. Sitting around isn’t going to solve anything.’ She was relieved to see a spark of interest in her husband.

  ‘Poor Cleo, she’ll think I’ve abandoned her, although Mother did say she’d see the horses were exercised.’ He glanced at Helen. ‘Are you ready to ride with me?’

  ‘Of course. It’ll do us both good.’

  They walked to the stables along the country lane. When they arrived, they found Frances feeding the horses. She looked up in surprise as they entered.

  ‘Good heavens, you’re back already. I wasn’t expecting you until the weekend.’

  ‘We decided we’d had enough and wanted to come home,’ Helen offered as an explanation.

  James kissed his mother and walked over to Cleo’s box and chatted to his horse, as was his habit.

  Frances looked at Helen, her eyebrows raised in question. Helen met her gaze and just shook her head. ‘We’re going for a ride,’ she said.

  ‘Then I’ll leave you
to it. Pop in whenever you like.’ She left them alone.

  James saddled up the two horses and they walked them down the road to the field and cantered around it several times, James being considerate to Helen’s capabilities, but she knew he needed to feel free and unencumbered. She rode up to him.

  ‘I’ll wait over by the trees, you take Cleo for a good gallop and jump if you want to.’ His look of gratitude was her reward.

  She watched him as he galloped Cleo round the field, then jump the hedge. She waited for him, knowing that he needed to be alone, hoping this would renew his confidence and lift the black dog that was hanging over him like a dark cloud.

  Eventually, he appeared, cleared the hedge and rode over to her, a broad grin on his face. She breathed a sigh of relief.

  ‘God, I needed that,’ he said as he brought the horse to a standstill and stroked its neck. ‘You are a good girl,’ he murmured as he did so. Looking at Helen he said, ‘You rode really well this morning. I’m so proud of you.’ He leant over and kissed her. ‘Let’s go back now.’

  Once at the stables, they unsaddled the horses, wiped them down and gave them water.

  ‘Better go and say hello to the parents,’ James said and taking Helen’s hand, they walked to the house.

  She wondered what James would say about their early return and decided to follow his lead. She wasn’t sure if he would give the real reason for them leaving the New Forest.

  Edward, having been warned by his wife of their return, greeted them warmly.

  ‘How lovely to see you both. Your mother said you’d been riding. I bet Cleo was pleased to see you, my boy. Would you like some coffee? Your mother made a new pot, in case you dropped in.’