An Uncertain Heart

by June Tate

  They sat down and Edward poured the coffee and handed it to them.

  ‘Thanks, Dad. We came back early because I had one of my turns in a cafe,’ James said. ‘The waitress dropped a tray and I hit the deck, taking Helen and several tables with me.’

  ‘Oh dear.’ Edward was at a loss for words.

  ‘They were all very good about it, and of course I offered to pay for any damage.’

  Edward glanced at Helen. ‘That must have been difficult.’

  ‘Not really. James soon recovered and when he explained why he’d reacted that way, everyone was understanding.’

  ‘Of course, it means I’m not yet ready to open my riding school. Couldn’t have that happening during a lesson, could I?’

  Helen intervened. ‘It doesn’t mean you can’t do so later, darling. These things take time. We just have to be patient, that’s all.’

  A spark of anger showed as his eyes brightened. ‘So you say. All I can say is it’s taking its time.’

  ‘These things can’t be solved in five minutes, James,’ his father said. ‘I’m sure it must be frustrating for you, but time is a great healer.’

  James changed the subject and asked what had been going on during their absence. But Helen was pleased to note that at least he wasn’t as depressed as he’d been. For the moment, that had been lifted. She would have to keep him busy and not give him time to think about his health. Richard had said she was going to have a difficult time and he’d been right, but she was determined to fight to get her husband back to health, one way or another.

  Chapter Eighteen

  In the mail the next morning, Helen received an invitation to go to a reunion in London for the medical teams that had worked together in Rouen. She was delighted. She’d made good friends during her time at the hospital and the thought of seeing them again thrilled her. It was to be held in a hotel where those who had to travel any distance could stay. She showed it to James.

  ‘You should go, darling. You all went through so much together, it will be great to meet up again in peacetime.’

  ‘You don’t want to come with me? The invitation is for two.’

  ‘Do you mind terribly if I don’t? I’d only be on edge in case someone dropped a tray.’ He managed a smile but she could see the concern mirrored in his eyes.

  ‘No, of course I don’t mind. But I will go, it would be a pity to miss it because I doubt we’ll ever meet up again.’

  Three weeks later, Helen was on an early train to London, with a small suitcase packed with her night attire and new gown to wear at the dinner that night.

  On her arrival she bumped into Jenny Palmer, the nurse she’d worked with, and Harry Gibbs, the orderly. She was surprised to see them together.

  ‘We got married!’ Harry said, with a broad grin. ‘Imagine that, she actually said yes when I asked her. You could have knocked me down with a feather.’

  She hugged them both. ‘Congratulations! Let’s go to the bar and have a drink to celebrate.’ They left their cases with the concierge at the reception desk.

  Once settled at a table in the bar, they caught up with each other’s news.

  ‘We’re both working,’ Jenny told her. ‘Saving to buy a flat. I see you’re wearing a wedding ring. Did you marry Captain Havers?’

  ‘Yes, in June. We’ve only been back from our honeymoon about a month.’

  ‘How is he?’ asked Jenny, who had nursed him.

  ‘He’s recovered from the surgery but I’m afraid he still has those nightmares and loud noises can throw him into a panic. But in time we hope he’ll get over it.’

  One or two others joined them and began reminiscing. Then it was time to get changed for the evening.

  Richard and Ann, living in London, hadn’t needed to book a room and dressed in the comfort of their own home. Ann was delighted to be invited as well as her husband and wondered if she would meet the mysterious Helen. She hoped so, then she could make up her mind about the woman who had worked with her husband for so long. She wondered if Helen’s husband would also be in attendance.

  Outside the dining room of the hotel was a list of the tables and who would be sitting at each one. The organisers had kept the teams together, so when Helen found her name and table number, she saw that Mrs Ann Carson was listed with her husband, but fortunately not sitting next to Helen. She was shaken by this as she’d not considered the fact that Richard would bring his wife. She wasn’t worried about meeting Richard again – after all, it had been a while since she’d met him in Cheltenham and since then she’d been married – but his wife … that was another matter. She was thankful that Harry and Jenny were next to her. Harry would be great company and hopefully she wouldn’t have to speak much to Mrs Carson.

  Ann had done much the same on her arrival and looked at the list, but she had searched for Helen’s name in particular. This could be an interesting evening, she thought. If Richard had been having an affair, would he be able to talk to this woman without giving away the fact they had been lovers? She found the whole thing intriguing.

  Everyone started to filter into the dining room and seating themselves at their designated places. When everyone was settled, Richard looked up at his team.

  ‘Good evening, all of you. I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you all, and for once in comfortable surroundings. This is Ann, my wife.’ There were mutterings as they all acknowledged her.

  ‘Aren’t you going to introduce me to your colleagues, Richard?’ Ann asked.

  He looked startled. ‘Yes, yes of course.’ He started with the man next to him, then named each one. Nurse Jenny Palmer, Helen my theatre sister, Harry Gibbs our orderly …

  Ann didn’t hear the rest of the names, she was looking at Helen. So this was the mysterious woman in her husband’s life. Attractive, she thought, wearing her wedding ring, beautifully dressed in a lace-covered gown that was obviously expensive, but looking somewhat uncomfortable under my scrutiny. Ann smiled at her and nodded. Helen smiled back.

  As Richard’s wife stared hard at her, Helen’s first thought was – she knows about us. Then she realised it could only be an assumption on the wife’s part because no way would Richard have told her about their relationship, but Helen was convinced by her expression that Ann had her suspicions. She would have to be very careful this evening not to give any indication of their past relationship.

  During the meal, stories were exchanged, incidents recalled. They all kept away from the serious side of their work, instead talking about the amusing things that had happened, but all the time, Helen was aware of Ann’s interest in her. She busied herself talking to Jenny and laughing at Harry, who was a natural comedian.

  At the end of the meal, they all made their way to the bar at Richard’s invitation. He ordered champagne to thank them for their service to him. They all milled around, talking and drinking. Out of the corner of her eye, Helen saw Ann talking to one after another of the team and knew that soon she’d come over to her.

  ‘So you are the theatre sister that my husband holds in such high regard.’ Ann stood in front of Helen, a definite challenge in her voice.

  ‘Your husband is a talented surgeon, Mrs Carson. It was a privilege to work with him. He saved many lives during the time I worked beside him. My own husband owes him his life.’

  ‘So I believe, Richard did mention that. How is your husband? I see he’s not with you.’

  ‘No, crowded places unnerve him so he decided to stay at home. But I wanted to see my old friends; we went through so much together during the war and we probably will never see each other again. It was an opportunity not to be missed. I’m sure you are delighted and relieved to have your husband home with you, safe and sound?’

  Ann stared hard at her. ‘Indeed I am. Wars are such dangerous times. Apart from the obvious, life is tenuous and people live for the moment. Reality disappears.’

  ‘All I remember is being absolutely worn out,’ Helen said, smiling. ‘But thankfully that’
s all behind us and now we can hope to return to normality, as much as is possible after being surrounded by death and destruction. Now if you’ll excuse me I have one or two of my colleagues I’ve yet to talk to and I don’t want to miss anyone. It’s been nice to meet you.’

  Ann watched her walk away, still unable to decide if this woman and her husband had been lovers. It still niggled at her but she must try and put it behind her. As Helen had said, the people in the room would probably never meet again.

  Eventually the evening came to an end and everyone began to leave. Ann was standing with Richard as his team lined up to say goodbye to him and thank him for the bubbly. There was no way that Helen could escape this meeting, it would have looked very strange, so she waited her turn.

  ‘Richard.’ She held out her hand to shake his. ‘So good to see everyone again. Thank you for the champagne.’

  He went to introduce his wife but Helen stopped him. ‘Mrs Carson and I have already met.’

  ‘Oh, good. How is your husband, Helen?’

  ‘Physically recovered, but still suffering with nightmares, loud noises and enclosed places, but I’m hoping in time all this will fade.’

  ‘I do hope so. At least you’re looking well. Take care and give my regards to James.’

  ‘I will.’ She nodded at Ann and walked away, letting out a sigh of relief as she did so.

  A little later, Richard opened the door to their house and walking into the drawing room poured himself a brandy. ‘Would you like a nightcap, Ann, my dear?’

  She said she would and they sat together on the sofa.

  ‘Well, I think the evening went really well, don’t you?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, it was splendid. It must have been interesting to see them all, away from the war. Your theatre sister, Helen, is an attractive woman.’

  Richard was immediately watchful. ‘Yes, I suppose she is. She’s going to have many months of worry ahead of her looking after her husband, and to be honest, I’ve no way of knowing if he will ever recover. No one understands this condition well enough to know how to treat it properly.’

  ‘But she’s a nurse, surely that’s a good thing?’

  ‘Well, it helps. She’s in the best place to watch over him and her nursing knowledge will be an advantage, certainly.’ He changed the subject. ‘I’m tired now, I’ll think I’ll go to bed. Are you coming?’

  ‘In a while, I’ve a few things I want to do in preparation for tomorrow’s committee meeting.’

  He leant forward and kissed her cheek. ‘I’ll leave you to it, then.’

  As he undressed, Richard went over the events of the evening in his mind. He wasn’t a fool. He knew that Ann had made sure she’d met Helen. He knew also that his wife was still suspicious about his relationship with her but never would he admit to it. He smiled softly. Helen had looked so beautiful tonight in that gown. He’d wanted to take her in his arms and hold her. The only thing he’d held was her hand as she left. It had seemed strangely formal.

  Downstairs, Ann stayed until she’d finished her brandy. Tonight was now over; it had been interesting, but tomorrow was the committee meeting and her lunch date with Clive. It was now her time to have a bit of fun! What if Richard had bedded the nursing sister? It was definitely over, Helen was married and had her own problems.

  She stretched and smiled. She was going to dine with a man who had declared his love for her and that made her feel good – and excited. It was like an illicit affair, but it wasn’t quite that … yet. How far would it develop? That would be up to her and she hadn’t as yet made up her mind what she was going to do about it. Richard’s affair, if it was one, was over, hers was about to begin. She rose to her feet, plumped up a cushion and danced her way out of the room.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Helen rose early and made her way to the dining room to have breakfast before she travelled home. She was pleased not to see any of last night’s diners there, which allowed her some peace, and as soon as she’d finished she paid her bill, called a cab and was taken to the station.

  When she arrived home, James was there to meet her in the car after she’d called him from the hotel giving him the time of her arrival. He met her on the platform, carried her case to the car and drove home.

  Once settled in the cottage he made a cup of tea and plied her with questions.

  ‘Who was there other than Richard?’

  ‘Jenny Palmer and Harry, do you remember them?’

  ‘Of course I do. They both nursed me. Harry always made me laugh no matter how rough I felt. Nice man, and Jenny, she was a great nurse.’

  ‘They’re now married!’

  ‘No! Well that’s a surprise, I would have never matched them as a pair.’

  Laughing, Helen agreed. ‘Harry said you could have knocked him down with a feather when she said yes.’

  ‘That’s typical of him. Well, good luck to them. And our great surgeon, how was he?’

  ‘Much the same. He brought his wife with him.’

  James looked at her. ‘You didn’t like her, I can tell. Why?’

  ‘She made a point of speaking to everyone and was quite charming, but I felt she had an agenda. Making her mark as “the wife”, so to speak.’

  ‘She wouldn’t have much time for you then, darling.’

  Startled, Helen asked, ‘Why do you say that?’

  ‘Think about it. You and Richard worked closely together for a year. You were his right hand, he was lost without you by his side in the operating theatre. It was almost like a marriage, you were so in tune with each other.’

  She didn’t know what to say – it was too near to the truth to be comfortable.

  ‘You could be right, I did feel her hostility when she spoke to me.’

  ‘Perhaps she thought you were more to her husband than his theatre sister.’

  This unexpected remark took Helen completely by surprise and she felt her cheeks redden. ‘What nonsense!’

  James stared at his wife and saw her discomfort. His eyes narrowed.

  ‘I’ve hit the nail on the head, haven’t I? Your relationship did go much deeper. I always wondered about that. When I turned up at the hospital that Christmas and took you outside, on our return I saw Richard’s face. He was furious … and now I realise he was jealous.’

  Helen, at a loss, didn’t know what to say. She just looked at James.

  ‘Were you in love with him?’

  There was no point now in denying the relationship. ‘At first I thought I was, but Richard made it quite clear that he wouldn’t contemplate leaving his wife.’

  ‘Did you ever ask him to?’

  ‘Only once and when he didn’t answer I knew where I stood.’

  ‘But you continued to be lovers?’

  ‘Until that Christmas, when you arrived out of the blue. Then I told him we were finished.’

  There was a coldness in his voice when he asked, ‘And why was that?’

  ‘Because I liked you and wanted to know you better. There was no future for me with Richard and I knew I had to start living my life … without him.’

  ‘And I happened to be the lucky man around at the time, is that what you’re saying?’

  Inside, Helen’s heart was racing. She couldn’t bear to see the hurt in her husband’s eyes. He was already in a fragile state, and this would only make things worse if she couldn’t persuade him of her deep love for him.

  ‘No, that is not the case. How dare you even think I could be that shallow! I felt there was a chemistry between us and when you were brought in, near to death, I knew that I was in love with you. I’m still in love with you! I’ll always be in love with you.’

  He sighed. ‘War is a swine, isn’t it?’

  She knelt beside him. ‘James, you are my life. I don’t want to be anywhere else but with you. Richard was of the moment. You know what war does to people, how when you’re scared you cling to others for comfort in one way or another. That’s all it was and it was over when you lef
t me that Christmas.’

  ‘It’s alright, darling. After all, you were free, even if he wasn’t.’ He leant forward and kissed her forehead. ‘You go and unpack and I’ll rustle up some lunch.’

  But as she took her case upstairs, she knew that James had been hurt and she prayed that eventually she could make him forget her indiscretion.

  Downstairs, in the kitchen, James took some cold ham out of the larder and made a salad. He fried up some cooked potatoes that he found and kept busy, but he couldn’t get out of his mind that his wife had once been Richard’s lover. It wasn’t that he hadn’t understood her reasoning. War drew people together, he knew that. He’d seen it happen. Not to him, he was too busy trying to keep his company alive and when the opportunity had arisen from time to time, in some bar or other on a short leave, he’d passed up on the invitations from the prostitutes working there.

  He’d seen his men taking refuge in the arms of such women and knew they needed the comfort they gave, but he didn’t need it that badly and after he’d met Helen, he knew she was the woman for him. But now he understood why she’d kept from making any commitment to him in the beginning. It had been because of Richard.

  It wasn’t that he didn’t believe that she loved him, he knew that she did, but somehow this sudden revelation had thrown him and he didn’t know how to handle it.

  Whilst James was trying to sort his dilemma, Ann Carson was enjoying her life. The committee meeting had finished and she and Clive were seated in their favourite restaurant.

  She’d dressed with extra care that morning, wearing a cream silk blouse and dark-brown skirt, just above the ankles, with a neat pair of court shoes with a low heel. On her head a straw hat trimmed with a dark-brown ribbon matching her skirt and cream gloves.

  After they’d ordered, Clive took her hand and smiled.