An Uncertain Heart

by June Tate

  ‘About as much as I’ve missed you I expect,’ she answered. ‘I hated every moment we were apart.’

  He led her towards the stairs. ‘We have a lot of catching up to do. I hope you haven’t made any plans for the next few days.’

  ‘If I had, I’d cancel them,’ she laughed and walked ahead of him to the bedroom.

  During the following days, they were hardly ever apart. They went riding together and James congratulated Helen on her progress in the saddle. They sorted out the vegetable patch, which had suffered during his absence.

  ‘I’m sorry, darling, but I thought it best to leave it in case I did something wrong,’ Helen told him.

  ‘Not to worry, I’ve learnt so much working on the farm that we can start again. I spent some of the time when I was alone working out a plan for planting.’

  Early one evening Edward found James alone at the stables. They sat together and chatted.

  ‘How was it at the hospital, James? When you told us about it, I had the feeling you were keeping something back. Don’t tell me if you’d rather not.’

  James told his father about the long day spent in the trenches that had been built, how there was the sound of gunfire and the explosions.

  ‘It was so real, Dad. It was horrendous! It was as if the clock had been turned back. But it was to make us face our fears and relive those moments.’

  Looking perturbed his father asked, ‘Did it do any good, though?’

  ‘Strangely enough it did, although it took several days for me to realise it. I can only describe it as a sort of cleansing.’

  ‘Extraordinary!’ Edward exclaimed. ‘But, of course, the mind is a fragile thing.’

  ‘Major Hurst hopes I’ll now only have the odd nightmare. Loud noises and confined places I’ll have to work out for myself. Not a bad bargain, if it works. Time will tell.’

  ‘I thought I’d go out for a hack, fancy coming with me?’ Edward asked.

  With a wide grin, James agreed. ‘I don’t remember the last time we did that. I’d love to.’

  The men saddled up their mounts and set off. It was a beautiful evening and they rode for a couple of hours before returning to the stables.

  As they both attended to their horses, Edward said, ‘That was great. We should do it more often.’

  ‘Indeed, we should,’ his son agreed and with a broad grin added, ‘Good to see you’re still able!’

  ‘You cheeky blighter! I could still give you a run for your money.’

  After the horses were settled they both made their way to their own homes having enjoyed each other’s company.

  Over the next few weeks, James and Helen worked on the renewed vegetable patch. She quietly observed him, pleased that he seemed so fit and relaxed. He’d not suffered any nightmares and when they’d shopped, she saw him steel himself to deal with the dreaded confined spaces, but said nothing.

  James had decided to see the year out, pottering at the stables and garden before making a decision about the future.

  ‘After all, I can’t spend the rest of my life not working. That would be soul-destroying.’

  ‘You’ll know when you feel ready, darling,’ Helen said. ‘It just needs patience.’

  ‘Now you sound like Hugo Beresford!’ But he laughed as he chided her.

  Whilst James was sorting out his life and his future, Ann Carson was only complicating hers. She’d booked adjoining rooms for Clive and her at the hotel in Birmingham and was now on the train with him, clutching a small suitcase packed with her prettiest lingerie, and a briefcase with the necessary papers for the annual general meeting. They were sitting in the dining car eating breakfast.

  Looking across the table at Clive, she smiled.

  ‘Isn’t this exciting! I feel as if I’m on an adventure.’

  He looked somewhat surprised. ‘To be honest, not in my wildest dreams have I ever thought of an AGM as an adventure. It’s usually very boring, sometimes annoying when people dither over decisions and I’ve always been glad when it was over and I could go home.’

  ‘Ah, well, you’ve not had me with you before.’

  His eyes narrowed as he scrutinised her face. ‘You, my dear, look full of devilment. What are you up to, may I ask?’

  ‘Absolutely nothing! It’s just so lovely to get away from London, the house, Richard and everyday life. I know Birmingham isn’t Paris, but I feel free for once.’

  ‘You do realise this is a business trip? By the end of it, you’ll be happy to return to the mundane, I can promise you.’

  ‘Oh, Clive! Have you no sense of adventure?’

  With a chuckle he said, ‘Of course I have, but I fail to see how this trip is going to provide me with one.’

  ‘Well who knows? You may be surprised.’ She took a sip of her coffee and glanced out of the window at the passing scenery. I mustn’t push too soon, she thought. This afternoon there is a meeting, then dinner tonight. A full day tomorrow, but in the evening there was to be a dance at the hotel and all the delegates were to attend. She could wait.

  She glanced back at Clive and saw he was studying some papers in preparation for the forthcoming meeting. Men, she thought, they could be so obtuse!

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  When eventually Ann and Clive arrived in Birmingham, they took a cab to their hotel and booked in, signed the register and following the porter, took the lift to the first floor. The porter led Ann to her room, opened the door and took her suitcase inside, gave her the key and then asked Clive to follow him to the room next to hers.

  Ann unpacked her things, hanging up her gowns and putting away her underwear, apart from an exquisite nightgown, which she held up against her and looked at her reflection in the long mirror of the wardrobe. She turned her body this way and the other with a satisfied smile. She’d purchased it especially for the occasion with the intention of seducing Clive. It was her only chance to lower the barrier of convention and failure was not on the agenda.

  When she was ready, she left her room and knocked on his door.

  ‘I hope your room is comfortable?’ she said when he opened the door.

  ‘Come and see for yourself,’ he said and stepped back to let her enter.

  It was furnished just like hers, with a single bed, wardrobe, chest of drawers and small washstand, and in the window a dressing table and mirror.

  Turning to him she said, ‘It’s comfortable, just like mine.’

  ‘Good.’ He led her to the door, to her disappointment. ‘Let’s go down and see if any of the others have arrived, have a drink at the bar and then lunch.’

  She had no option but to agree.

  Some of the other delegates were hovering in the foyer, some at the reception desk, and Clive introduced her to one or two of them, saying he would see them in the bar.

  There were ten delegates from five other branches of the charity and they sat together with Clive and Ann, chatting, then soon after made their way to the dining room. To Ann’s dismay they all sat at one big table that had been prepared and she was drawn into conversation with those either side of her, Clive sitting opposite. This wasn’t how she’d planned it at all. She’d hoped they would have a quiet lunch at a table for two, where she could begin to charm him.

  After the meal, they gathered around a long table in the conference room. Only then did she realise what Clive had meant about the meeting being boring as they worked their way through the agenda. There were those who obviously thought their position was one of power and tried to push their ideas as being the only ones to consider for the changes to be made … then the arguments began.

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, please!’ The chairman had had enough. As an ex-headmaster, he had a voice of authority and everyone stopped talking.

  Glowering at those around him, he said, ‘I began to think I was sitting facing an unruly class of my students. You are adults, now please try and behave like one!’

  He continued to run the meeting, controlling those with inflated
egos and eventually getting them to vote for each item on the agenda, but it hadn’t been easy and watching him, Ann was filled with admiration.

  Three hours later the meeting came to an end and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. It had been exhausting. But tomorrow was a full day with meetings, followed by dinner and then the dance.

  As they walked away, Ann tucked her arm through Clive’s.

  ‘Do we have to sit with any of the others over dinner? Only, after this meeting, I’d like to get away from everyone.’

  He started laughing. ‘What did I tell you? You didn’t believe me, but frankly I don’t want to see them again too soon either, so how about us finding a nearby restaurant and eating there? If we stay in the hotel—’

  She didn’t let him finish. ‘Oh that would be wonderful! Please let’s do that. I just need to get changed.’

  ‘You go along, then, and I’ll see you in the bar.’

  It was late September and the evenings were beginning to herald a change in the seasons, so Ann wore a long velvet coat with a fur-trimmed collar to keep her warm as she and Clive strolled along the streets, looking in the shop windows, exploring until they found a suitable-looking restaurant and entered.

  Clive took her coat and handed it to the waiter, then they ordered, Clive choosing the wine, which the waiter poured as they waited for their meal.

  Clive raised his glass. ‘To a good meeting,’ he said.

  ‘To our friendship?’ she suggested.

  ‘To our friendship,’ he replied. They clicked glasses and drank.

  ‘Was it difficult to persuade Richard to let you come here?’

  ‘He wasn’t best pleased but I talked him round.’

  Her companion studied her closely. ‘I would think if you really wanted something, it would be difficult for anyone to refuse.’

  ‘Does that go for you too?’

  He smiled softly as he replied, ‘That would depend on what you wanted.’

  ‘Then I’ll have to think about it carefully, won’t I?’

  At that moment the waiter served their first course and they sat chatting about the delegates, especially the ones who had been difficult.

  ‘They are the same every year. We all wait, knowing what will happen, irritated beyond reason, but the chairman, as you saw for yourself, is very capable of taking control.’

  At the end of the meal, they walked slowly back to the hotel, managing to keep clear of any of the delegates, taking the lift to their rooms. Clive walked Ann to her door and waited for her to open it. She turned to him.

  ‘There’s a bottle of champagne on ice just waiting to be opened, would you like to have a nightcap with me?’

  He started to chuckle. ‘You are a devious woman!’

  ‘Only when I have to be.’ She opened the door, entered and stood looking at him. ‘Well?’

  Shaking his head, but smiling, he followed her inside.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  James and Helen were off to Newmarket to a sale of horses. He had decided to buy at least one to break in, ready to sell on.

  ‘It’s what I’m good at,’ he told Helen, ‘and I enjoy doing it, as you know. Besides, I’ll feel I’m doing a proper job!’

  She was delighted by his enthusiasm and had encouraged him. It had been her first time at such a sale and she was surprised at the number of people standing round the show ring, waiting to bid. It had an air of excitement and expectancy and she found her heart beating a little faster as each horse was brought in and walked around the ring. The bidding was fast and fierce.

  Almost an hour had passed without James making a bid. She’d not said anything as she didn’t know just what he was looking for until a piebald pony was brought in. She felt James stiffen beside her as he watched the horse being walked round by its handler.

  The bidding began. The auctioneer was in full flow and she had great difficulty keeping up with him. Beside her James was bidding, along with several others. She found she was holding her breath.

  ‘Sold!’ The auctioneer banged his gavel.

  Startled Helen looked at James and saw he was beaming. ‘Did you win?’

  He gave her a hug. ‘Yes, it’s ours. Now let’s see if there is another.’

  By the end of the sale, James had bought another horse, a chestnut, which he had admired. He went to the office and paid for his purchases and arranged for them to be delivered the next day.

  He joined Helen outside, waving his receipt. ‘I’m in business!’ He picked her up and swung her round, much to the onlookers’ delight.

  ‘James!’ She was flushed with embarrassment, hanging on to her hat, but was delighted for her husband.

  On the train home, he chatted enthusiastically about his plans, saying now was the time for him to really face the future.

  ‘At one time, darling, I honestly wondered if I had one, other than that of some sort of invalid.’

  ‘Oh, James, that’s so sad, but do you realise that today you were in a big crowd and yet it didn’t seem to bother you?’

  ‘Oh my God! I hadn’t realised. I was so concentrated on not missing buying the horse I wanted.’ He beamed at her. ‘It’s been a great day and now I’m in business. You can help me sometimes, if you like. After all, now you are more than capable.’

  ‘I’d love to, but you must show me what to do.’

  Putting his arm round her he kissed her cheek. ‘You’ll see, we’ll have great fun doing it.’

  In a bedroom on the first floor of a hotel in Birmingham, Ann Carson was making her own fun. Having enticed Clive into her room, she let him open the bottle of champagne and they sat on the bed, drinking.

  ‘There, didn’t I tell you this trip would be an adventure?’

  ‘You did, and I was proven wrong.’ He stared at her over the rim of his glass as he drank. ‘What else had you in mind?’

  ‘Come along, Clive, you’re not that naïve.’

  He put his glass down on the bedside table and then took hers and did the same. Then he kissed her. Ann closed her eyes and wallowed in the pleasure of being held and kissed by a man who loved her. She had never felt that Richard had done so. He was fond of her and she was the perfect wife, or had been, but this was different.

  ‘Ann, darling Ann, if only we’d met years ago,’ he whispered as he kissed her eyes, her neck.

  ‘But we’ve met now, Clive. Don’t let us waste any more time. You know I can’t divorce Richard, it would cause such a scandal. His reputation would be in question and I would be ostracised by society, but let’s just enjoy each other.’

  ‘You do realise that if we do and it was discovered, there would still be a scandal. Apart from Richard, we’d lose all credibility with the charity. They would ask us to leave. Our names would be whispered in corners and in living rooms, especially at the hospital where Richard works. A great deal is at stake here.’

  ‘Are you prepared to take that chance?’ she asked.

  ‘I am, yes, but I really don’t think you should, you have too much to lose.’

  In her heart she knew that he was right. ‘Can we not just enjoy the two nights we have here? After that, we will be respectable again. Please, Clive, that’s all I ask.’

  ‘As I said earlier, you would be hard to refuse and I haven’t the strength to do so.’

  They undressed and lay on the bed together, arms around each other. Ann closed her eyes as Clive kissed and caressed her. She returned his kisses with a fervour and without inhibition, enjoying every moment, listening to the words of love being murmured, feeling like a wanton woman and giving herself willingly until eventually, with a cry, she reached her orgasm. The first one for a very long time. She lay still, exhausted and thoroughly satisfied. Clive lay on top of her for a moment, then he moved beside her and took her into his arms and just held her close to him.

  ‘Oh, Clive,’ she said softly, caressing his face.

  He just gazed at her for a moment. ‘You are wonderful, my darling Ann, but when we return home,
it’s going to be so hard not to be able to hold you and make love to you.’

  ‘I know, but we must enjoy our time together now, it’s the only chance we have.’

  He sat up, climbed out of bed and dressed. ‘Tomorrow we have meetings in the morning, and in the afternoon we must be vigilant not to show any signs of affection, because if anyone even suspects, we are in deep trouble, remember that. Be very careful.’

  He leant over her and kissed her softly, then walking to the door, opened it, glanced quickly to make sure the corridor was empty, then left.

  Ann reached out and ran her hand over the place beside her where her lover had been and sighed. Whatever the risk, it had been worth it. Richard had never made her feel this good – lately she only slept with him out of duty – but he had never satisfied her as much as Clive had tonight. Tonight she’d been in a different frame of mind. She wanted Clive, had given way to the encompassing feeling of desire. She had surprised herself at her lack of inhibition, which made it all the more enjoyable, and the fact that their coupling was like playing with fire had only added to the enjoyment.

  After taking a quick bath the next morning, Ann entered the dining room and saw that most of the delegates were seated. Clive was at a table with three others, which meant she had to sit elsewhere and chat to her companions. Remembering his warning, she didn’t even glance across the dining room to where he was seated and continued in that vein all through the morning meeting, but at lunchtime she sat with two others who invited her and Clive to join them, mainly to ask questions about their branch. They were very businesslike in their discussion and Ann felt they had successfully covered their tracks. It was the same during the afternoon meeting and later at dinner, but as they entered the ballroom after, the band was playing a waltz and he held out his hand. Ann took hold of it and then walked onto the floor to dance.