An Uncertain Heart

by June Tate

  ‘Don’t look at me like that, darling,’ he said, ‘we are supposed to be business acquaintances, you’ll give the game away.’

  The dance seemed to go on for ever and Ann danced with several of the delegates, but Clive didn’t come near her again until it was over and they both thankfully walked to the lift to take them to their rooms. As they arrived at their floor and walked along the corridor, not touching, Clive just smiled at her.

  ‘I’ll see you later,’ he said quietly as, further down the corridor, two other delegates entered their rooms.

  With mounting expectation and excitement, Ann donned her nightdress and waited. It seemed an age before there was a tap on her door. She ran to open it and let her lover enter, throwing her arms around him as soon as he’d closed the door.

  Laughing, Clive picked her up and carried her to the bed.

  ‘An eager woman is every man’s dream,’ he teased as he undressed and climbed into her bed.

  After breakfast the following morning, they left the hotel for the station and the train home. Ann sat next to Clive and reached for his hand.

  ‘Thank you for the best two days of my life,’ she said.

  He looked at her and laughing softly said, ‘That’s quite a compliment, thank you.’

  She sighed. ‘Now it’s back to reality, and I can’t say I’m looking forward to it.’

  ‘Me neither, but we must return to our usual routines. Not to do so would be foolish. You know that.’

  At that moment the train stopped at a station and two other passengers entered the carriage, which stopped any further private conversation, and when they arrived, they parted without touching each other.

  Ann opened the door to her home without enthusiasm. It was pristine as the cleaning lady had been. She quickly looked in the larder to see what food was there and seeing it and the icebox empty, walked to the shops to replenish her stocks.

  When she returned and sat quietly drinking a cup of tea, she knew that this evening would be difficult when Richard came home. He was bound to be bad-tempered having to cope without her for two days and she also knew that she would find it hard to behave as normal, but she had no choice.

  ‘You’re back, then,’ was Richard’s greeting as he walked into the house.

  ‘Yes, as you can see.’ She stood waiting for his next remark, waiting for the complaints.

  ‘It’s no good, Ann, you just cannot go off on some jaunt again. It’s most inconvenient.’

  ‘Just as much as it was inconvenient for the soldiers my charity works for to be injured!’ she snapped at him.

  ‘Now that’s an entirely different thing.’

  ‘No it isn’t,’ she argued. ‘You’re put out because your routine has been upset, and I must say I’m surprised at your selfishness, considering you have been near the front during the war, having to deal with these men we are trying to look after.’ She stomped away into the kitchen.

  Richard sighed and poured himself a drink. He was tired and still aggrieved at having to dine at his club instead of the comfort of his home, especially after a trying day in the operating theatre. Why on earth Ann had to be involved with these charities he had no idea – it was commendable but it was time she stopped. He picked up the Daily Telegraph and sat reading it until Ann said that dinner was ready.

  He tucked into his steak with relish. His wife was a good cook and it was so much more enjoyable to eat well at his own table.

  ‘This is lovely, I can’t tell you how I’ve missed you and your cooking. It’s no good, Ann, you’ll have to give up all these charities, I hardly see you these days and it has to stop.’

  Ann nearly choked on her food. This was not what she expected and if Richard insisted, what was she to do? She tried to remain calm.

  ‘Yes, I know you’re right and it is getting a bit hectic.’

  He looked surprised. He’d expected an argument.

  ‘I’ve been thinking of resigning from one or two, but not from the one I’ve represented in Birmingham. There are exciting plans for the future, which we discussed at the AGM, and I want to be part of it. I think I’ve earned that right.’

  He heard the stubborn note in her voice and not wanting a night of discord, he agreed.

  ‘Well, you have worked hard for this charity but if you resigned from the others, I’d see more of you and that would be fine. I’ll allow you to do just that one.’ He sipped his wine, feeling very self-satisfied.

  Ann wanted to slap him. Pompous idiot, she thought. She did know that she was fortunate to have had the opportunity to live her own life during the time Richard had been away, not many women had that freedom, but she was not under any circumstances going to miss meeting Clive each week. Even if they had to behave in a decorous manner from now on.

  Having made his point, Richard was most affable during the rest of the evening but in bed when he put his arm around his wife, she pushed it away.

  ‘I’m tired, Richard, it’s been a long day.’ He can’t have his way about everything, she thought as she pulled the sheet over her shoulders. My body, my choice!

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  There was much excitement at the stables at the manor house as the horses arrived the day after the sale. Edward was there to help James unload his purchases. Both animals were skittish and nervous after the journey but eventually were settled in their respective stalls and were munching away at the hay that was ready for them.

  ‘You’ve chosen well,’ Edward said to his son. ‘They look in fine fettle. Once you’ve trained them there should be no problem selling them.’

  James was delighted to hear this as his father was very knowledgeable when it came to horses. He entered the stall of the piebald filly, talking softly to it, feeding it a carrot, trying to gain the animal’s trust. He stroked its neck as it ate, ran his hand down its legs, looking for any weakness, then left and did the same with the chestnut colt, but taking great care as the animal was still unsettled. It pawed the ground and then suddenly reared up on its hind legs. James moved out of the way very quickly.

  ‘You, my beauty, are going to be a problem, but we’ll get there in the end.’

  At that moment Helen arrived just as James came out of the stall, closing the bottom half of the door behind him, leaning over it to see if the horse settled when it was alone. Helen joined him.

  ‘I don’t want you going into this stall,’ James told her. ‘This animal is still wild and unpredictable. It’ll take some time to get him trained, but he’s in great condition and eventually will be worth the money I paid. He’s from good stock.’

  Helen looked perplexed. ‘I’m not sure about him, James, he’s got a wicked gleam in his eyes, whereas the other one seems to have a sweeter nature.’

  ‘Yes, the filly will make a good buy for a family, but you know, I have a feeling that this one could well be good for point-to-point or a hunter. He’s spirited and built for speed. Time will tell.’

  It was now mid December and in the three months that James had been training his new horses, he’d worked hard. Both were getting used to rider and saddle but the chestnut was still unpredictable.

  He walked his wife over to the piebald’s stall and holding out a carrot was delighted when she sauntered over and allowed him to feed her.

  They had christened both the animals. The piebald was now known as Gentle Jane after one of Henry VIII’s wives, because she was gentle, and the chestnut Genghis Khan, because he wasn’t.

  Stroking Gentle Jane’s nose he said, ‘She really is a joy, she’ll be perfect for a youngster who has a little experience.’

  Helen fed her another carrot and stroked her neck. ‘Yes, she’s gentle, a child would be safe with her, but I still don’t trust Genghis.’

  With a frown, James agreed. ‘It’ll be a while before I can safely sell him on and then it will have to be to an experienced person who can handle such a spirited animal. But in my heart, I do believe he’s something special.’

  ‘How about
us going into Cheltenham, James? I want to do some Christmas shopping.’

  ‘Yes, if you like. I need to go home to wash and change first, though – I smell of horses!’

  Whilst Helen waited for her husband, she thought how well he was doing, now that he was occupied. He’d only had one bad nightmare in the last three months, and the sudden sound of a gunshot one day when the farmer in the next field was shooting rabbits had only made him flinch and not dive for the ground. He was now more confident and no longer felt like an invalid. He was happy and content and so was she.

  Christmas was to be spent with his parents at the manor, with an open house on Boxing Day. Frances and the staff had decorated the hall and downstairs rooms beautifully and everyone was beginning to get into the Christmas spirit.

  Ann Carson had decorated their living room, dining room and hallway, but without a great deal of enthusiasm. Ever since her return from the meeting in Birmingham, she was a frustrated woman. She and Clive still lunched together after every meeting of the charity, sitting sedately, trying not to show any signs of intimacy, and it was driving her mad.

  Today as she sat beside him at their usual table, she placed a hand on his knee.

  ‘Ann! What are you doing? Stop it!’ Her companion looked at her in surprise.

  She took her hand away. ‘I can’t help it. I want to touch you, get close to you. I’m not sure, Clive, how much longer I can do this – we are just associates. I want more.’

  He spoke quietly. ‘You know that’s not possible. You know what we said, we have to be careful. You asked for two nights and they were wonderful, but it can’t continue, you know that.’

  She appealed to him. ‘Don’t you find it hard or is it just me?’

  ‘My darling girl, of course I find it difficult. How do you think I feel when we dine together and then you go home to your husband?’

  ‘Tell me,’ she urged, wanting at least to hear how he felt, even if that was all her lover could give her.

  ‘I want to take hold of your hand and book into the nearest hotel. I want to hold you in my arms, feel the softness of your body and make love to you.’

  ‘Oh, Clive darling, couldn’t we do just that? Richard won’t be home until the evening, we have the time.’

  ‘Now you’re being foolish. Of course we can’t. What if someone saw us?’

  She knew he spoke the truth.

  Richard Carson removed his mask and let out a sigh of relief. That had been such a difficult operation, one that had used all his skills to save the patient. It had been touch and go, but the man had pulled through. As the patient was wheeled away he turned to his staff:

  ‘Well done, everybody. Thank you, I couldn’t have done it without you.’ He walked out of the theatre, thankful that he’d finished for the day because he was physically and mentally drained. He made his way to his office and poured himself a stiff Scotch, added a splash of soda and sat drinking it slowly. It reminded him of working in the base hospital during the war, when he and Helen would sit and have a drink together in his tent after a heavy day.

  He thought of her often when he was doing an operation and his theatre sister was not quick enough for him, comparing her mentally with Helen. No one had reached her standard in his eyes. She was the yardstick by which he judged his staff. He wondered how she was coping with her husband’s shell shock, wondering if he still suffered badly and were they happy.

  Sitting back in his chair he contemplated the state of his own marriage and found it wanting. Ann took care of the house, saw to his meals and now that she’d resigned from several charities, was at home more often. This should have pleased him, but most of the time when they were together, he felt her mind was elsewhere. She seemed distant. She answered any questions he put to her, but they didn’t sit and chat as most couples did and she never showed him any affection. If they had sex it was as if she tolerated it, never seeming to enjoy it, certainly never instigating it – quite the opposite, often turning away saying she was tired. He’d have had more pleasure in a brothel!

  Taking another sip of his drink, he couldn’t help feeling bitter. He’d had his chance during the war when he and Helen were lovers. She’d asked him if he would leave his wife for her and he’d remained silent. What a bloody error that had been! She satisfied him in every way. Excellent at her job, a good companion and great in bed. He’d had it all and thrown it away. Then when he’d gone to Cheltenham to tell her he would leave his wife for her … it had been too late.

  He rose from his chair, took his coat and hat off the stand and left the hospital. Outside it was cold, the sky was clear and no doubt there would be a heavy frost tonight. He wasn’t looking forward to Christmas but had invited folk to drop in on Boxing Day for drinks and nibbles from noon until two o’clock. He’d better let Ann know, he’d forgotten to tell her.

  When Richard informed his wife of his plans, she was furious.

  ‘How thoughtless of you not to discuss this with me first of all. Now you spring it on me with two weeks’ notice.’

  ‘Oh for goodness’ sake, Ann, all you have to do is go to Fortnum and Mason’s and order what you need there and they’ll prepare it for you. All it needs then is collecting the day before.’

  ‘As if I don’t have enough to do!’ she complained.

  ‘Come now, let’s not exaggerate your position. You have a cleaner and someone who does the ironing. All you have to do is give your orders and do a bit of cooking. It’s not as if you’re overworked. I’ve never seen any sign of that and certainly not in the bedroom, but I suppose at a push you could pay for someone to do that for you too!’

  She was speechless with rage for a moment and then she flew into a temper.

  ‘How dare you speak to me like that? How dare you?’

  He just looked disdainfully at her. ‘Because it’s the truth, that’s why! You’re not interested in me at all. You have little to say when we’re together. It’s almost as if you are not in the room, your mind is elsewhere, and as for sex … I may as well be mounting the ironing board, except you never touch that either!’

  ‘No doubt your wonderful Helen would have treated you better,’ she said spitefully.

  ‘You’re probably right. Perhaps I should have married her instead.’

  Ann was so angry she threw caution to the wind.

  ‘I’m sure she was a pleasure in bed!’

  ‘Sadly, Ann, I was never in a position to find out – to my regret.’ He got up from the table. ‘I’m off to my club. At least there I know I’ll have a decent conversation with somebody.’

  She just sat at the table and watched him leave, then picking up a dinner plate, she hurled it at the door and burst into tears. Tears of anger and tears of frustration. He was right, her marriage was a sham, she was only playing at being his wife. She didn’t love him any more … how on earth were they to continue to live together?

  At his London club, Richard was asking himself the same question. He no longer looked forward to going home as a man should. He could manage without Ann, really. A cook would look after his meals and there was already the cleaner and a woman who could do the washing and the ironing. He could find Ann a small flat, give her an allowance and live the life of a bachelor without too much of a scandal. Then they would both be happier. He would wait until after Christmas, though. With guests arriving on Boxing Day it wouldn’t be seemly to do it before, then who need know of the arrangements? Ann wouldn’t want it known, he was sure of that. It would interfere with her charity work, and that to her was more important than he was. Yes, that was the answer. After Christmas it would all be sorted. Tonight he’d move into the spare room. It would be a start.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  There was a snowfall in Cheltenham just before Christmas, which enhanced the enjoyment of the festivities. James and Helen had moved in to the manor house for two days, which made things easier. Helen was on hand to help her mother-in-law, which was much appreciated, especially as they prepared for th
e influx of guests on Boxing Day.

  The extensive buffet had been laid out in the dining room and trays of glasses ready for the champagne and wine. It certainly looked very festive and the two ladies were wearing new gowns for the occasion. Helen in the latest fashion, a coffee-coloured dress with a dropped waist and handkerchief hemline. Frances, in a long black gown, trimmed with white lace. They both looked a picture of elegance.

  The gathering was a merry affair with much laughter and conversation and when the champagne corks were pulled, one or two of the guests cast an anxious glance in James’s direction, but he was fine. He’d anticipated the noise and had opened some bottles himself.

  But their worried expressions hadn’t escaped his notice. He said nothing but just smiled to himself, delighted that these days he seemed more able to cope.

  As the last guests left, Helen went up to her husband and kissed him.

  ‘I was so proud of you today,’ she said.

  James started to laugh. ‘One or two of our guests were worried for a moment when the champagne was opened, did you notice?’

  She grinned broadly. ‘Indeed I did, I found it very amusing, but you were fine, as I knew you would be. And you coped with so many people in the room. It was a bit crowded.’

  ‘I had to prove to them that I was recovered. I’ll never forget the last time, when I dived for the floor. I wasn’t going to make that mistake again. Grab a coat and let’s go and feed the horses, they need a treat too.’

  They took a load of carrots and sugar lumps and walked to the stables where they were greeted with neighs and snorts of pleasure. James went over to Cleo and Helen to Miss Milly.