An Uncertain Heart

by June Tate

After, they both went over to Gentle Jane, who accepted their offerings willingly, then it was to Genghis, who looked at them with suspicion, pawing at the floor as James talked softly to him. Then the animal wandered over and took the offered carrots.

  Helen stood back and watched. She didn’t like this animal at all, didn’t trust him and made sure she wasn’t near him when James saddled him ready to ride. No way would she ever ride him. She felt the horse disliked her as much as she disliked him and she would be happy when he left the stables for a new home.

  As they walked back to the house, Helen thought of other Christmases, during the war in the hospital, surrounded by her patients, and wondered how they had fared on their return. The boy with the burnt face, the sergeant who’d lost his leg. She prayed that they had learnt to cope as she had done.

  Boxing Day at the Carsons’ home had not been such a happy day for Ann. She’d been shocked when Richard had moved into the spare room after their confrontation, although relieved she no longer had to share a bed with him. But what was to happen next?

  She wasn’t left wondering for long as when all their guests had left Richard poured her a drink and asked her to sit down as he wanted to talk to her.

  ‘First of all, thank you for today, Ann. The buffet was magnificent, but then Fortnum and Mason are always to be relied upon and as always, you were the perfect hostess. However …’

  She held her breath, wondering what was coming next.

  ‘However, it’s perfectly obvious that our marriage no longer works, neither of us is enjoying being together, so I’ve decided to buy an apartment for you to live in.’ Seeing the consternation on her face he added, ‘Don’t worry, Ann, you will be provided for financially. I will give you a generous monthly allowance and you can live your life and I can live mine.’

  She was shocked at first, then she was angry.

  ‘How dare you think you can treat me this way! I will not leave my home just because you’re feeling put out.’

  ‘It’s rather more than that, Ann. I no longer want to share the same space with you, knowing that you’re only filling it because we are married, not because it gives you pleasure when quite obviously it does not.’

  ‘You can’t do that to me! I’ll lose my place in society. I’ll be ostracised.’

  ‘Nonsense, who’s to know? I certainly will not be making this arrangement public and I’m sure you won’t and when you are required to be at my side at some function or another, you will be there. I think it will work for us very well.’

  ‘Do I have nothing to say about this arrangement?’

  ‘No. I will start looking for a place as soon as the estate agents open after Christmas. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some papers to see to in my study.’

  She was stunned. This was not at all what she expected. She loved her home. It was elegant, full of beautiful furnishings, her life was organised. The staff did her bidding, the house was cleaned thoroughly and she had her job at the forces charity … and she had her position in society. That was the most important of all. But then Richard had said he wouldn’t make their arrangement public and she would still be at his side when required, so it would seem to others that things were normal. She then decided to look for a positive side to his plan. He said he would provide for her generously, and she would be free to live her own life, as would he.

  She poured another drink and sat contemplating this new life and she started smiling. If she lived alone, she could invite Clive to her apartment. Suddenly new vistas emerged. She’d insist that Richard didn’t hold a key to her apartment. If he wanted her to move out, then he wasn’t to be in any position to dictate to her. She’d refuse to move unless he agreed. Suddenly, things didn’t seem quite so bad. She wouldn’t have to see to Richard’s needs, only her own. She could hire a cleaner but then, if she were to invite Clive over, it would be best that no one should know and a cleaner may well discover the fact she had a male visitor, and that wouldn’t do at all. She’d think about that. A few domestic chores in exchange for a lover was a small price to pay.

  Richard didn’t waste any time. As soon as the estate agents opened he let several know of his requirements and began his search. At the end of January, he found a place in Chelsea. It was on the first floor, with two bedrooms, a living room, kitchen and bathroom.

  ‘It hasn’t a dining room,’ he told Ann, ‘but then you won’t be having visitors to dine or they will discover we have separated and neither of us want that to be known. There’s room in the living room for a small table and chairs for you to sit at. I’ve arranged a viewing tomorrow afternoon at three o’clock. Here’s the address. Get a cab and I’ll meet you there.’

  She was pleased to see that it was a decent address and not in an unacceptable part of the city. After all, she still had her standards. She agreed to meet him.

  To her surprise, Ann liked the apartment. It overlooked the Thames, the rooms were of a decent size and she felt she could be happy here. But she didn’t show too much enthusiasm. Why should Richard have it easy?

  ‘Yes, well it’s not too bad, I suppose,’ she said.

  ‘Don’t play games with me, Ann. This will be where you live. It’s a nice size in a good position and will suit your needs. So let’s have no argument about it!’

  She saw the stubborn look in his eyes and knew that he wouldn’t change his mind.

  ‘There’s just one thing that I do insist upon,’ she said firmly.

  ‘And what is that, may I ask?’

  ‘If we are to live our separate lives, I want to be the only key holder.’

  He thought about this for a moment. ‘Very well, but that means you have to return the keys to the house. Then neither of us can encroach upon each other’s lives. If I need you, I’ll call. I’ve taken down the number of the telephone. I’ll give you a budget to furnish it, but do not go over it! In other words, Harrods is out of the question.’

  During the time that the contracts were drawn up, Ann had packed her clothes and personal belongings: one or two of her favourite figurines, some bed linen – there was more than enough for two households in her airing cupboard – a pair of matching bedside lamps and a standard lamp that Richard had never liked. She had taken the measurements of each room and had chosen her furniture, paid for by her husband, which would be delivered to her new abode when the contracts had been exchanged. She should be settled in March, she hoped.

  She hadn’t told Clive about the new arrangements, gleefully keeping her secret until she’d moved in. Then she intended to surprise him, hoping he’d be as delighted as she was and would be as anxious to take advantage of her new-found freedom. It had been difficult keeping it to herself when they had their weekly luncheon date, but she had planned to the last detail how she would tell him.

  Eventually the day arrived for her to move. Richard was at the hospital as usual and a small van arrived in the morning to take her cases and boxes she’d packed; the furniture would be delivered in the afternoon.

  Richard had paid extra for the carpets, curtains and the cooker in the kitchen and so when Ann walked in, the place didn’t seem too bare. She waited for the furniture and when it arrived gave her instructions as to where every piece was to be placed. By late afternoon it was done.

  She made a cup of tea with the kettle she’d purchased, along with a new tea set and matching dinner plates, and sat in her living room on her new sofa and relaxed. Looking around, she was delighted. She had excellent taste, and although she’d avoided Harrods, she had managed to furnish the apartment to her standard.

  Getting up, she walked to the window and enjoyed the view of the Thames and the various vessels sailing up and down, and the pedestrians walking along the pavements and embankment. Yes, this would suit her admirably. She then walked into the master bedroom with its double bed, bedside tables, a chest of drawers in the window with a triple mirror, and gave a satisfied smile.

  After the next meeting of the forces charity, she and Clive left toge
ther, as usual, and to his surprise, Ann hailed a cab.

  ‘What on earth are you doing?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m taking you out to lunch to a different place. I hope you like it as much as I do.’

  He was intrigued so said nothing.

  The cab stopped in front of the building and they alighted. Clive was even more intrigued as they took the lift to the first floor. He followed her and waited until she opened the door and invited him in.

  She’d cleverly placed the small dining table in an alcove in the living room. It was laid out with dinner plates, glasses and pristine napkins.

  ‘What on earth’s going on? What is this place?’ Clive was now mystified.

  ‘This, my darling Clive, is my new apartment and we are going to dine here.’

  ‘What do you mean, your new apartment?’

  ‘Richard and I have separated, we now live apart, although that isn’t public knowledge. I will appear with him as his wife at official functions, so no one will be aware of our arrangement. Look, sit down, and whilst we eat, I’ll explain.’

  She disappeared into the kitchen and took a beef stew out of the oven and mashed potatoes she’d left to keep warm. Then when they were seated, she told him what had transpired.

  Clive listened intently as her tale unfolded. But to her chagrin, he didn’t seem very pleased about the arrangement.

  ‘I think that’s appalling!’ he exclaimed when she’d finished.

  This was not the reaction she was expecting.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘He’s your husband. He can’t toss you out of the house just like that. What sort of a man is he?’

  She took exception to his terminology. ‘I’ve hardly been tossed out as you put it, Clive! He’s bought me this apartment, has given me a generous allowance and my freedom. We were no longer happy together, so what could be better than this? As far as people know, we are together, so there’s no scandal. I won’t lose my position in society. It couldn’t be more perfect.’ She leant across the table and pleaded with him. ‘Don’t you understand? We can be together now, whenever we want.’

  ‘Have you lost your senses? Of course we can’t! Just imagine if we were caught. The fact that you’re separated will become common knowledge and your reputation will be in tatters, mine too. Then you will be completely alone. No longer could you appear beside Richard at official functions, because that would make him look a fool and he wouldn’t have that.’

  To her horror, he rose from his chair. ‘We will still be able to dine after the meeting as people are used to seeing us and they also see us leave and go our separate ways, but that’s all, Ann. I’m surprised you thought I’d be a part of this. I’m disappointed in you.’ He walked out of the room.

  Hearing the front door close, she burst into tears. All her carefully laid plans were destroyed. She’d been so happy at the thought of her and Clive being lovers again, was convinced that he too would have been thrilled at the idea. Hadn’t he told her how he longed to hold her and make love to her, and now all of a sudden, it would seem, she was no longer desirable. Only now did she realise how lonely her existence was to be. If she went out to tea with some of the ladies in her social circle, she would be unable to invite them back as was the habit among them. They took turns in playing hostess. Now that would be denied her as, having moved out of her house, she’d be unable to take her turn. That would certainly cause them to gossip. Oh, how she wished she’d played her part as Richard’s wife more skilfully. But it was too late.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  James was reading The Telegraph and saw that eight hundred special constables, known as the Black and Tan, because of their uniforms, had been sent to Ireland and were to be paid ten shillings a day. They were mostly made up of men demobbed from the army. He wondered if any were men that had been in his unit and had survived the war. It appeared only to have heightened the tension in the country, which was already running high. He felt sorry for the men, who he was sure had only joined up out of desperation. He was thankful that he was no longer part of the service, especially now that he was to be a father. Helen had given him the happy news early in the New Year. He’d been delighted, as had both parents. Doctor Coombs had examined her and had confirmed the news.

  She had teased James, who had suddenly decided she needed to rest and that riding was now out of the question.

  ‘Darling, I’m not sick, I’m having a baby. I’m healthy and can live a normal life. I’m certainly able to ride for a while, anyway, even if it’s a gentle trot.’

  He wasn’t convinced until he’d called the doctor for confirmation.

  ‘My dear James, your wife’s a nurse. She knows what she can and cannot do. Relax and please stop fussing.’

  In time he did, but he watched her constantly until she’d had enough and became irritated.

  ‘For goodness’ sake, James, will you stop behaving like an old woman! You are making me edgy, watching every move I make, now stop it before I lose my temper.’

  He was immediately contrite. ‘Sorry, darling. But you must remember I haven’t been a father before.’

  ‘And you certainly won’t be again if you continue this way.’

  He started laughing. ‘I do hope you’re not threatening to have me gelded, like poor Genghis?’ The vet had suggested this may be a way to quieten the animal.

  She looked at him slowly as if considering the suggestion.

  ‘I was only joking, darling!’ he protested.

  ‘Well bear this in mind,’ she teased, ‘if you don’t stop smothering me, I might have to call the vet myself.’

  Approaching fatherhood had given James something to focus on as did the fact that he felt it was time to sell on both his horses. He’d placed an advertisement in The Horse and Hound magazine, stipulating that Gentle Jane was a perfect first pony for a child and that Genghis Khan would be good for point-to-point or as a hunter. He was delighted to receive several answers. As one prospective buyer was calling at the weekend, James decided to take out Genghis and put him through his paces.

  He first rode him into the practice ring and took him over a few jumps, then out of the stables to the field and raced him over the adjoining land, jumping hedges, as if he were in a hunt. The horse responded well, and pulling him up, James patted him, pleased with the workout.

  ‘Good boy! You’ll do well,’ he said, then he returned to the stables.

  Helen was there grooming Miss Milly.

  ‘How did he go?’ she asked as James dismounted.

  ‘He was superb. Whoever buys him shouldn’t have any complaints. Nevertheless, it has to be someone who is competent, because he’s so strong, he could be a handful for a novice.’

  On the Saturday, James and Helen were at the stables preparing for their visitor. Eventually a tall young man, in his twenties, arrived with his father. James introduced himself and then led Genghis out of the stall. As the men examined the horse, feeling its fetlocks and looking for any weakness, James was relieved. They obviously understood horseflesh.

  ‘He’s strong and can be a handful,’ James explained. ‘I wouldn’t sell him to anyone who wasn’t an experienced rider.’

  The father nodded. ‘Quite right too, but have no fear. My son, Toby, has ridden since he was four and is accomplished. He wants a new mount for point-to-point, which he does regularly.’

  ‘I’ll saddle him up for you and I’ll take my horse and we can ride out together,’ said James. ‘Then you’ll get the feel of him.’

  Cleo had already been saddled in preparation and once Genghis was ready, the men left the stables together.

  The father, Percy Grisham, walked with Helen around the other stalls, looking at Miss Milly and Gentle Jane. He loved the piebald and stroked her neck as she nuzzled into him.

  ‘She’s got a friendly nature,’ he said. ‘Do you mind if I go into the stall and take a closer look?’

  ‘Not at all,’ said Helen and let him in. She watched as he examine
d her thoroughly, patting her and talking softly as he worked his way around her. Then he came out and smiled at Helen.

  ‘I don’t suppose this beauty is for sale also? Only I have a daughter of twelve who would love her. She has got too big for her Shetland, as you can imagine. This piebald would be just right for her. She has a gentle nature and I can see she is in good shape.’

  ‘As it happens, Mr Grisham, Gentle Jane is for sale and there have been a few enquiries about her. Have a word with my husband when he returns.’

  James and his client were now in the practice ring and James watched the young man put Genghis through several jumps and was relieved to see the rider was more than competent to handle the horse, who was jumping well, and eventually they arrived back at the yard where James climbed down and put Cleo in the stall until he’d finished talking.

  Young Toby Grisham was very enthusiastic about purchasing Genghis, whose reins he was holding, and then his father approached James about buying Gentle Jane too. A deal was struck and the men shook on it.

  ‘I’ll let you unsaddle him and wash him down, if you like,’ James suggested.

  Toby was delighted. He took the saddle off, and talking to the horse he picked up a bucket of water and poured it over its back. Genghis started prancing and just as Helen walked past, he kicked out with his back legs and sent her flying.

  There was a moment of panic as she lay still.

  ‘Put him in his stall,’ James called to Toby as he and the father knelt down to see to Helen, who was a bit stunned but awake.

  ‘Are you alright, darling?’ James asked anxiously.

  ‘I’m not at all sure,’ she murmured.

  ‘Just lie still and don’t move,’ he told her, then turning to Percy Grisham, said, ‘I need to call the doctor, will you stay with my wife?’