Home is Where the Heart Is (Home #1)

by Cheynee Filkov

  “What am I looking at?” she asked, her eyes trying to adjust to the lack of light.

  “It’s uh…well, basically it’s a certificate and coordinates to your star,” he told her nervously.

  Her brain wasn’t functioning properly and his words weren’t sinking in.

  “My star? What?”

  Taking her hand he led her over to the telescope, easing her down so she was looking into it. A bright star could be seen shining near the moon, gold, glittery and so full of vibrancy.

  “The star and the telescope are yours,” he whispered in her ear. “I named the star Angel, so now whenever you feel like you’ve lost yourself and don’t have a place in this world, you can just look up and see that you are right where you belong and are shining down on everyone lucky enough to look.”

  She was going to cry, or pass out or maybe both. This couldn’t be real. He had bought her a star, her own freaking star? There were no words worthy of this moment, of him. How could anyone turn their back on someone so selfless and loving? She was never going to be able to repay this, she could live a thousand lifetimes and she was never going to even come close to being worthy enough for Jace.

  “Do you like it?” he asked nervously.

  As she finally tore her gaze away from the telescope and her very own star, Isabelle looked deep into Jace’s eyes and knew in that moment that there was only one thing left to make this night perfect.

  He sensed the change in her and tried to pull back slightly, alarm on his face as he opened his mouth to no doubt protest. Isabelle kissed him before he could get anything out, pulling him down and straddling his body so he couldn’t run away.

  She kissed him with all the passion, gratitude and emotion she felt, pressing her body as close and firm to his as she possibly could. He didn’t react right away, seemed hesitant to invest too much in the kiss, but as soon as she nipped his bottom lip with her teeth he let out a groan and then his hands were in her hair.

  Holy hell. She had never been kissed like this, had never even come close to feeling what Jace was making her feel now. Little whimpers left her lips as his hands gently caressed her all over.

  “Jace,” she moaned, grinding her hips down on him trying to find some release.

  He froze and broke the kiss, holding her hips firmly so she couldn’t move.

  “Isabelle,” he began breathlessly. “This isn’t why I brought you up here. I don’t…I mean…you don’t owe me anything, OK? I’m happy to just lie here and hold you all night. This doesn’t have to be about sex or finding a way to thank me for something that I was happy to do for you.”

  He met her gaze and she knew he meant it, meant every word he said to her. If she said ‘no’ right now, he would actually be content to just lie here with her, and probably wouldn’t even try to touch her again unless she initiated it.

  It was the raw emotion and sincerity in his eyes, and the calm inner peace she felt being in his presence that decided it.

  This was her gift to give and she wanted Jace to be the one to receive it. She wanted him to heal her with his body but more than anything she wanted to give him the only part of herself no one else would ever be able to have.

  “I want this,” she whispered to him, forcing herself not to look away. “Please Jace, I need you.”

  “Fuck,” he cursed and then his lips met hers again and she was consumed by his fire and light.

  She was expecting rough hands tearing at her clothes in animalistic passion, wet lips at her neck and being overpowered. She tried to mentally prepare herself and lock a part of herself away so that she wouldn’t ruin this for him, but he did none of those things.

  Kissing her like she was a treasured prize, he took his time with her, his hands in her hair and on her waist. It confused her. Didn’t he want this? Was there something wrong with her?

  “Stop it,” he murmured against her lips, his hand cupping her face lovingly.

  “Stop what?” she whispered in a cracked voice.

  “Whatever it is you’re thinking that’s making your pretty face frown. I told you that this isn’t about sex for me, and I meant it. It doesn’t mean I don’t want you, it just means that I care about you enough to take this slow and make sure I do right by you.”

  Tears filled her eyes and she knew if he saw them he would read it wrong and insist that they just watch the stars together. So she closed her eyes quickly and then pressed her lips against his, rolling on top of him. If she was in control of this, she could do it. As long as she didn’t feel suffocated she was sure the memories would stay at bay.

  Jace didn’t react beneath her, even though she could feel his excitement through his shorts. He just laid there, his hands fisted at his sides as she kissed him.

  It was sweet that he was being so restrained but also annoying as hell. She wanted him to want this as much as she did, and not just lie there while she took her enjoyment from him. Obviously she needed to change tactics.

  Taking a deep breath she pulled away so she was sitting on top of him and, forcing herself to keep staring into his eyes, she lifted her dress up over her head and dropped it beside them.

  Jace sucked in a harsh breath as he looked her over, practically naked, sitting on top of him.

  “Isabelle…” he said in a raspy voice. “You are so fucking beautiful it hurts.”

  She blushed deeply but felt warmth in her chest at how genuine he was when he spoke.

  “You can touch me,” she whispered to him. “I’m not going to break.”

  He closed his eyes tightly, looking like he was in pain. Just when Isabelle thought she might have to face the humiliation of getting dressed again, he pulled her down and kissed her so thoroughly, if she had been standing her knees would have buckled.

  He kept kissing her like they had all the time in the world, his hands rubbing up her back in maddening circles. There was a slight breeze against her bare skin but she didn’t feel it, she was almost feverish under Jace’s touch.

  He was so gentle with her, loving her body with his lips at first, and then his hands. Working her up into a frenzy until she was crying out and limp in his arms, his lips still worshipping her mouth as he stroked her with so much tenderness her heart ached.

  “It doesn’t have to go any further,” he murmured to her softly, even though he hadn’t had a release yet. “Say the word and it stops right now, no questions asked.”

  Isabelle swallowed the lump in her throat and shook her head. “Did you bring anything?”

  Jace’s face was ashen. “No…I didn’t think this…I mean I wasn’t expecting…I’m sorry, I don’t have any protection with me.”

  His little confession just warmed her further. She loved that he truly had no expectations of her except her time, that he was just content to take any affection she allowed.

  He deserved better, and the selfless thing to do would be to leave him now before it got any more complicated, but it was her birthday and she wanted to be selfish for once. She wanted to win back control of her body and she wanted to give Jace a part of her no one else would have.

  “I’m on the pill,” she told him shyly. “So, it’s OK.”

  He shook his head. “No, I don’t ever want to put you in an unsafe situation.”

  “I trust you,” she told him earnestly, pulling at him to move over her. “Please don’t tell me no.”

  Jace groaned into her shoulder, burying himself in her hair. “You are going to hate me for this, Isabelle.”

  “It has to be you, Jace,” she told him firmly. “I want this memory and part of my body to always belong to you.”

  He pulled away and looked down at her. Uncertainty erupted in her chest for the first time at the intensity in his gaze, there was so much there in how he looked at her. Too much there.

  “I will never hurt you,” he told her fiercely. “I will never do anything to make you feel unsafe and I will kill anyone that does.”

  She should be terrified by the violence in his word
s but instead felt only comfort and need. She was also done with talking. Taking a deep breath, Isabelle pulled Jace firmly on top of her so his weight was pressing her hips into the ground.

  A watery image tried to break through her resolve but the hands on her face and hip were gentle, and the eyes staring down into hers were filled with kindness and concern.

  There was no room for hate, brutality and destruction here. This moment was theirs and theirs alone, and no one from the past or present was going to rip it away from them.

  “It’s OK,” Isabelle told Jace with a small smile. “I know you’re not him. You can keep going; I’m not going to freak out.”

  Jace traced her jaw line with a finger, his blue eyes bright and fixated solely on her.

  “I don’t know how I ever got so lucky,” he whispered. “You are beyond beautiful. Angel. You’re perfect to me.”

  Isabelle blushed and, instead of protesting, she offered Jace her lips, her body and her trust.

  *

  Holy. Shit.

  Isabelle lay cocooned in Jace’s arms, enjoying him tracing patterns on her bare back but silently freaking out.

  That wasn’t how she imagined losing her virginity. It kind of hurt at first, but she was expecting that. What she wasn’t expecting was how good it also felt. Jace was so attentive, so gentle and so loving that not once did she think of Jason while he was on top of her.

  There was no risk of a panic attack or slipping back into the past because all she could see, all she could feel in those moments – were Jace.

  She was freaking the hell out now though.

  It wasn’t that she’d lost her virginity and was now having buyer’s remorse. It was because now the past was crushing her and even though it was Jace’s gentle hands moving over her skin, she could still feel a rougher pair on her.

  Jesus, there was something so seriously wrong with her. She was an idiot to think that having sex with Jace was going to magically fix her. Nothing was going to fix her.

  “Angel?”

  Isabelle tilted her head up to look into his eyes and the moment she did her body released some tension.

  “Where did you go?” Jace asked, stroking her face lightly.

  She shook her head at him. “Nowhere important, I’m sorry. Listen um…thank you so much.”

  Jace raised his eyebrows, amusement all over his face. “Stealing my lines, babe?”

  Isabelle blushed. “No! Not for that, well…ok, yeah maybe for that, but I meant for today, for everything. You’re amazing and I have no idea how I’m ever going to repay you for this.”

  Jace’s grinned down at her before pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Isabelle, there’s nothing to repay, I wanted to do all this, ok? You…” he broke off and took a deep breath.

  “Listen, I know we said we weren’t going to put labels on this…”

  He paused. Isabelle squirmed, suddenly uncomfortable.

  “I did all of this because I love seeing you smile, Isabelle. I see you in the morning with that big, bright smile and I swear to God, it sets me up for the entire day. I have felt so lost and worthless for so long - until I met you. You make me want to be a better person, and not just for you, but for myself as well. I think about you constantly, I feel anxious when we’re away from each other and I just… fuck, I just want to be the one to show you how beautiful you really are. I have never felt like this before in my life and I have never wanted the things you make me want. I’m crazy about you, babe.”

  Isabelle stiffened in his arms as his words registered.

  “What?” she whispered.

  He tilted her head so they were staring into each other’s eyes. “I love you.”

  Three words. That’s all it took. Three little words to shatter everything.

  Panic gripped her chest in a vice grip as she struggled to find the words. They just shared the most amazing moment together, after the most amazing birthday she’d had, so she should be able to say three stupid words back to him.

  No one was more undeserving of Jace than she was.

  “I love you, Angel,” he repeated and stroked her cheek with his thumb.

  Isabelle stared back at him, eyes wide and heart pounding.

  “Angel? Are you OK?” Jace asked softly.

  Isabelle gave a slight nod, still too stunned for words.

  “Have I left you speechless?” he teased, but his eyes were worried.

  With a deep breath she turned her head and kissed his palm softly.

  “I’m sorry,” she began. “I have so many feelings for you and most of them are too deep to even describe but…”

  She broke off as the pounding of her heart seemed to get louder.

  “But I’m so messed up Jace. I can’t give those words back to you even though I wish I could. You mean so much to me and I don’t want to lose you even though I probably deserve to.”

  Placing a soft kiss on the corner of her mouth, Jace pulled her back into his arms and held her tightly.

  “It’s OK, Angel. I’m not asking you for the words tonight, I’m just asking you for a chance to see where this will go. Can you give me that?”

  “OK,” she whispered into the silence.

  Jace sighed deeply in contentment, his whole body relaxed beneath hers.

  Isabelle lay there feeling sick to her stomach. She wanted so badly to be a normal teenage girl and give Jace her heart, but there was just so much poison from the past still festering inside her. She wasn’t lying when she agreed to give them a chance, but she had never been more uncertain or terrified in her life.

  “Do you want to head back down?” he murmured into her hair. “We’ve been up here a while and Maia’s brought some ingredients to make S’mores.”

  “I’m actually kinda tired, I think I just want to go home - if that’s OK?”

  “Anything you want, Angel. Head on down and I’ll take you home once I’ve packed all of this up.”

  She let him pull her to her feet and then she walked back to the edge of the cliff to begin the descent back down.

  “Isabelle?” Jace called when she was a couple steps down.

  “Yeah?”

  “I meant what I said before and I’ll wait however long it takes until you’re ready. I love you and that means something to me - you mean something to me. So, if you feel overwhelmed or something; you can talk to me about it.”

  She swallowed the lump in her throat and gave him a bright smile.

  The walk back down was much quicker than the torturous trek up, but that could have a lot to do with the uneasiness she felt inside and the constant insecure thoughts that were screaming at her and causing distraction.

  And it was because of her distraction that she didn’t watch where she was going, even after she reached the sand and crashed straight into a warm chest.

  “Whoa there, where’s the fire?”

  Isabelle looked up into Tyler’s leering face, cringing under the feel of his rough hands on her arms.

  “I don’t feel well,” she told him, breaking eye contact. “I’m just going to head home.”

  The hands on her wrists tightened so she couldn’t pull away and her attention was forced to focus back on him.

  “You look upset. I can’t keep my man card and let a pretty girl drive away upset when she might hurt herself. Come sit over here with me for a minute and catch your breath.”

  She shook her head vehemently. “No, Tyler, I want to go home now.”

  He moved even closer, wrapping his arms around her waist and yanking her flat against his chest.

  “But I haven’t even given you a birthday kiss yet,” he replied, in what he probably thought was his seductive voice.

  He wasted no time after that and his mouth plundered hers; hard, rough and crushing against her already swollen lips.

  A whimper escaped Isabelle as she pressed her hands against his chest and tried to push. Tyler, being the idiot that he was, mistook her intentions for desire and moaned into her mouth, pushing close
r so she could feel his hardness against her.

  “God, you’re so hot,” he whispered against her neck, his hands pulling at her dress and urging her to the sand beneath them.

  “Tyler, please,” she tried to sob, but her voice was barely a whisper.

  “Never been the type for repeat visits, but you might be worth it,” he murmured into her ear, slurring a little.

  His hot breath on her snapped something inside her and then the past and the present collided and Isabelle’s body completely froze. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t speak, she just lay there, something digging into her back, sand all around her and her eyes blankly staring up at the sky trying to find her own star to focus on.

  It didn’t work. She was paralysed with fear but could still feel everything he was doing, and as his hands began to roam clumsily over her trembling body, her stomach turned.

  Was this really happening again? Why couldn’t she move to make him stop? He was clearly too drunk to notice she was crying silently and frozen with fear and revulsion.

  Time seemed to be slowing, or maybe it was moving too fast for Isabelle to keep track of now. She was fractured, stuck between now and the past, trapped in a body that was seemingly built to repeat the same mistakes, the difference being this time she couldn’t even fight to get free.

  The only positive in this whole nightmare was that she couldn’t have her virginity stolen from her again, that was something that was hers to give and no one could ever tarnish that gift after tonight.

  Tyler’s rotten breath fanned over her face as he laid above her, staring down into her eyes, his hands not roaming anymore.

  Looking into his eyes and seeing the blankness there, her stomach began to turn.

  “Whoa, are you OK? You look weird.”

  Isabelle opened her mouth and instead of words; she vomited, her stomach heaving painfully as she frantically turned her head to the side so she wouldn’t choke on her own bile.

  “What the fuck?” a distant voice yelled, and then the weight of Tyler was pulled off her so quickly the loss of his heavy body nearly winded her.

  Turning onto her side completely, she threw up again and again as the sickening sound of skin against skin pounded into the night air. When her stomach had settled enough, Isabelle crawled to her knees and looked to the strange sounds, and her whole world stopped again.