Supernova

by Kate Stacy

  “No,” she says, a rueful smile on her lips. “A promise.”

  “An empty promise.”

  She’s trying to be so strong, but she can’t hide the glassy sheen in her eyes.

  “He almost succeeded, Jax. He killed my baby. He almost killed me.”

  There’s no holding back her tears now. They fall freely and I can’t stand the distance between us anymore. Sliding my chair closer to hers, I take both of her hands in mine.

  “You survived. He’s gone, but you’re still here. You’re so fucking strong, baby,” I rasp.

  “I don’t feel strong,” she admits.

  “You will. And until you do...I’ll be strong for you. I’m right here.”

  It’s the truth. I don’t know where I stand with her, but we’ve got time to figure it out. Right now, she needs to focus on healing, and I plan on being by her side as long as she’ll let me. I’m not going anywhere. No matter how hard it is to hear all the pain she’s suffered. No matter how much this shit kills me.

  “I think that’s enough for tonight, yeah?”

  “No. I need to finish. I...I want to get it all out. Purge it from my mind.”

  “Okay, baby,” I rasp. “I’m listening.”

  And I do. I listen as she tells me every single fucked up thing that motherfucker did to her. Every vile word he spewed, every physical blow, every time he came home from fucking someone else. Every goddamn time he raped her as she begged him to stop. I sat through it all, my heart breaking little by little the more I learned.

  I have never felt so violent in my entire fucking life. He took the pussy way out—shooting himself in the head. I’d love nothing more than to bring him back to life, just to give him a little taste of the hell he put Madalyn through. He deserves far worse than the easy death he gave himself.

  We spend hours outside, until the last ember of the fire has burned out, until the only light comes from the moon and stars in the night sky. By the time she finishes, we’re both a mess of tears and heartache. She’s suffered so damn much. I’m in awe of her strength. Madalyn is fucking incredible.

  Listening to the details of her recent past only increases my need to talk about our past. Maybe it’s not the right time, since everything else is still so raw, but I have to try. I have so many questions that have gone unanswered for years. So much of my own guilt for the accident and everything that happened after.

  She’s been so honest and open tonight, I can only hope that she’ll continue to do so. Once we’ve both composed ourselves, Mads takes another shot of tequila and I take a chance.

  “Baby, I know you just poured your heart out and I hope that it helps you let go of some of that pain...but there’s still so much we need to talk about. Things that have nothing to do with David, and everything to do with you and me.”

  Squeezing her eyes shut, she shakes her head back and forth rapidly.

  “I can’t tonight, Jax. It’s too much, too soon.”

  I hate her words, but I understand. I won’t push her. I won’t do anything that might make her run again.

  “But we will talk…” I trail off, leaving it open for her to respond.

  “Yeah, we’ll talk.”

  “Okay,” I say, standing from my seat. I pull her to standing. “Let’s go get some sleep. It’s been a long fuckin’ night.”

  Crossing the yard, she follows close behind, never letting go of my hand.

  “Jax?” she whispers.

  “Yeah, baby?” I slow my pace, turning to look back at her. She looks so small, so fragile.

  “Will you stay with me tonight.”

  “Of course, I will.” I rasp.

  Doesn’t she know I’d do anything for her?

  I’m such a fucking mess.

  I’ve been living in Jaxson’s house for a few weeks now. I’m in his bed more often than not. He hasn’t touched me—not sexually. He only holds me, his embrace providing a sense of comfort and safety I can’t find anywhere else. The only way I’m able to sleep is with his muscled arms wrapped tightly around me.

  I’m doing better. I’m not sure I’ll ever be the same girl I was before, but according to Audra, it’s completely normal to feel that way. As if I’m anything close to normal. My experiences have changed me as a person, and I’m starting to get used to the new me. I’m not entirely different. More of the old Madalyn is shining through, and I have to admit, I’m glad she’s not completely lost.

  So yeah, I’m doing better. But only during the day.

  Nighttime...that’s a whole different story. At night, in the dark, that’s where my demons come out to play. I have terrible nightmares. Horrible dreams where I relive the worst moments with David. Those times when he hurt me the most. I wake up from a dead sleep. Sweaty, heartbeat racing, gasping for air.

  Those aren’t the ones that torment me. It’s the good dreams that do the real damage. They’re worse than the nightmares. The dreams where I’m living happily, watching both of my babies grow up. Those are the ones that haunt me. The ones that cause me to cry in my sleep. The ones that were never reality...and never will be.

  I tried sleeping on my own for the first few days, but Jax put a stop to that after I woke up screaming with tears soaking my pillow. He said it broke his heart to watch me suffer that way. So at night, I allow him to hold me because it keeps my demons at bay.

  I know I’m being unfair to him. He doesn’t expect anything from me—he’s too damn good for that— but I still can’t bring myself to talk to him about our past. Every time he tries, I shut him down.

  He accepts my excuses every time without argument. He won’t push. Won’t force me to talk before I’m ready. Jaxson won’t do anything that might possibly upset me. I remember him being the same way when we were together. Never wanting to rock the boat. Hating to see me upset. He’s always been this way when it comes to me, but he’s even more careful after everything I’ve been through.

  I know him too well. And I’m a bitch for taking advantage of that knowledge.

  The truth is...I’m afraid. Selfishly, I’m afraid to lose him, afraid to push him away. And I’m just not ready to risk that yet. As much as I’m healing, I use him as an emotional crutch, and I’ve been hesitant to take a chance to lose the shoulder I lean on the most. I’m not sure I’m strong enough without him.

  My feelings for Jaxson are stronger than ever. I love him. So much so that I’m terrified he’ll eventually walk away. The way I walked away from him years ago. God, I wouldn’t even blame him.

  For all my worry, though, I know the truth. He won’t walk away unless I push him. The only way I can see that happening is if I keep avoiding the inevitable.

  It’s time to face the past head on. No more hiding behind my fear. Time to get it all out in the open. The truths, the secrets...the lies. It’s time to see if we can salvage any of the broken parts. If we can rebuild a life from the broken pieces left behind when our worlds exploded. Desperate choices, mistakes, and tragedy have brought us here, but is there truly anything left to save?

  Tonight is technically Jaxson’s night off from the bar, but he had to go in to help my brother figure out some type of problem. I didn’t ask. I’ve been too busy sorting out the shit in my head, convincing myself that it’s now or never. We’re talking about things—tonight.

  Making myself as comfortable as possible in the living room, I curl into the corner of the plush sofa and wait for him to come home. This house is beautiful, and not for the first time, I wonder if I was on his mind when he chose. The land, the house, the way it’s furnished and decorated. It’s everything I would have wanted if it were our home.

  The last few years, I would have never imagined calling his house ‘home,’ but if I’m being honest, nowhere else has ever felt like home. Not without Jaxson. I know it’s because home isn’t a place. It’s a feeling. One that I’ve only ever had with him.

  An hour passes before he finally walks through the door. Those sixty minutes gave me plenty of time to ps
ych myself out. I’m suddenly having second thoughts, wondering if I can really do this.

  He notices me instantly, his eyes finding me easily in the dark room. He stands in the doorway, his shoulder leaning against the jamb. Gazed focused on me, he searches for something in my eyes.

  “You look like you’re waging a war with yourself, baby,” he rasps.

  Pulling my knees closer to my chest, I watch as he moves to flick on a small lamp.

  “I am,” I admit.

  “Fair enough,” he says, taking a seat in the chair across from me. He leans forward, elbows on his knees, hands clasped in front of him. Eyes laser-focused on me, he asks, “You come to a decision?”

  I don’t answer him right away.

  In fact, he watches me closely, concern filling those hazel eyes. When I still don’t speak, he asks, “Mads...you okay, baby?”

  I start to nod, but the movement turns to a shake of my head.

  Voice thick, clogged with emotion, I tell him, “It’s so hard...to talk to you about the things that happened so long ago.”

  “I know, baby, but we have to talk about it eventually.”

  I know that. But knowing it doesn’t make it any easier to do.

  “Take your time, Mads. Tell me why you left me.”

  Fidgeting with a loose thread on my knee-high sock, I keep my eyes locked on the small movements of my fingers. I can’t look at him. Not now.

  “I was a mess, Jaxson. I’m still a mess. But I wasn’t in a good place. I couldn’t see through my own grief, my own pain. Leaving you was a mistake. I knew it...even then, I knew, but I was too blinded by my foolish anger and stubborn pride. I wouldn’t let my decision be swayed. They tried, Jax. My family tried to change my mind, to convince me to stay. I wouldn’t hear it. I was desperate to escape. I chose to run from the pain rather than face it.”

  My voice is low and raspy, thick with emotion and laced with the tears I try to hold back.

  “I hadn’t known about the baby long. Barely long enough for it to really sink in that I was pregnant. I was so happy, Jax. So fuckin’ happy to have a piece of us growing inside of me.”

  I finally find the courage to look at him. The love shining in his eyes slays me. I can see through it. Behind the love lies the hurt and frustration he tries to keep buried.

  “I wanted to plan some kinda surprise to tell you. One of those cute little ideas you see online...ya know?” He nods, eyes glistening. “The baby may not have been planned, but I knew you’d be happy too, so I wanted to make it special.”

  “Then...the party. And the accident. When I woke in the hospital and the doctor looked at me with pity in his eyes...when he told me that I lost the baby…” Tears fall without permission, my body betraying me when I need to be strong. “God...I was devastated. Destroyed. I couldn’t process what had happened. I needed somewhere to place the blame, and in my head...it was your fault.”

  Talking about this is painful, that’s why I avoided it for so long. Old feelings come flooding back with a vengeance. The hurt. The loss. The anger. The blame. I can’t stop the memories from taking over.

  Through frustrated tears, I let it all out. Everything I’ve held in for so long.

  “That fucking party ruined everything, Jaxson. I never wanted to go to that stupid party. I tried to tell you. You wouldn’t listen to me. Even when I wanted to leave...you wouldn’t listen to what I wanted. Why did we have to go to that stupid fucking party, Jaxson? Why?” I cry.

  I’m so conflicted as I listen to Madalyn tell me the reason she walked away. It’s hard to listen and not react, to let her say her piece. I want to go to her. Pull her in my arms and shelter her from this pain, but I can’t. Like her, I was devastated when I learned about the loss of our baby. I still feel an overwhelming sadness whenever I think about what could have been. Even now, I feel that loss.

  I never liked the fact that she went through it alone. Maybe not alone, but without me. I’m still harboring some bitterness, paired with the frustration that I never knew—not until she was gone.

  I’ve been so gentle with her these past few weeks. Careful not to push, not to ask for more than she’s ready to give. I’ve hidden my own feelings no matter what she tells me, no matter what she says or does. I’ve tortured myself, trying to give her what she needs.

  Everyone has their breaking point.

  Listening to her tell me that I’m to blame? That pushes me right the fuck past mine.

  She wants to know about the party? Why it was so important we go?

  She’s about to get a big dose of truth.

  Wordlessly, I stand. I stomp past Madalyn—not missing her sharp intake of breath when I do—and march into my bedroom. I hear her break down in the living room, but her tears don’t deter me. Moving to my nightstand, I open the top drawer. There’s a little black box nestled in the back corner. Grabbing it, I hold it tightly and slam the drawer shut.

  Madalyn lifts her head when she hears me return. Her eyes are red and puffy, and part of me feels like an asshole for making her cry. But right now, I’m a man on a mission. I’m angry, and I feel justified in my anger.

  As I walk past her again, I drop the box in her lap and fall back into the chair. I resume my position and watch as she opens the little black box with a gasp. She looks up at me with wide, wondering eyes, my name lingering on her lips. “Jaxson…”

  Madalyn had her turn. She said her piece. Now it’s time for her to hear my truths. Voice low and rough, I give her the answers she’s wanted for years.

  “It was an engagement party, Madalyn,” I rasp. “That was the night I was going to ask you to marry me. To spend your life with me...as my wife.”

  She sucks in another harsh breath and chokes out a sob, but I don’t stop there. I’m not finished.

  “It was a surprise. Our friends were all there. Your siblings were on the way. I was only waiting for them to arrive so I could finally ask. I was so fucking nervous even though I knew you’d say yes. I wanted to share our moment with the people we love. To be surrounded by family and friends on what should have been one of the happiest nights of my life.”

  I speak in a low, even tone. My voice sounds emotionless, but I’m just barely holding onto my frustration and anger.

  “What should have been one of the best nights of my life—of our life—quickly turned into one of the worst. You didn’t have to blame me, Madalyn. Trust that I felt enough guilt to destroy us both.”

  Scrubbing my hand roughly down my face, I struggle to get the words out. The truth she needs to hear.

  “You wouldn’t see me, baby. I had no fucking clue what was happening. I just wanted to be there for you. To take care of you like I always did. Do you know what it’s like to be kept from someone you love when they’re hurting? In pain? It fucking sucks, Mads! It was pure torture knowing you were lying in that hospital bed, scared and hurt. And there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it because you wouldn’t let me!”

  I give myself to my anger. I no longer hold back. My voice gets louder with every word that passes my lips.

  “I came every day. Every fucking day hoping you’d change your mind. They turned me away every time. Threatened to call security. I just wanted to love you! Your choice to keep me away almost broke me. But the worst part, Madalyn? The fucking worst part was finding out that you were pregnant with my baby and had a miscarriage. But I didn’t even hear it from you,” I say with a mirthless laugh. “No, you had no intention of telling me. I had to hear it from your brother, after you left me without a fucking word. Couldn’t even write a Dear John letter.”

  I stand, no longer content to sit still. My body is restless, vibrating with tension.

  “I felt guilty for hurting you, even though it wasn’t really my fault. That guilt ate at me...and when I found out about the baby? Fuck, Mads. I wanted to die right then. I broke, baby. My heart shattered right there on the goddamn floor and I’ve never been able to mend all the pieces. I killed our fucking baby, Madalyn!
And I had to shoulder that alone. It may have been in a different way, but you’re not the only one that’s suffered through hell.”

  I pace the room, tugging on my hair, unable to stop the flow of words from my lips. Madalyn sits there, expression twisted in a mess of emotion, silent tears streaming down her cheeks.

  “You know my parents disowned me after you left? They found out about the baby and when I wouldn’t heel to their demands...they said I was no longer their son. They couldn’t have me tarnishing the family name. They wouldn’t even allow me to speak to my baby sister. I had no family. I was left alone with the fallout. While I was here, dealing with the consequences of the choices you made...you were off somewhere else. Moving on with your life like I never fucking existed. Like I never meant a goddamn thing to you. Like you weren’t my entire fucking world! You. Left. Me!”

  I’m yelling by the time I finish. Pissed off, I slam my palm against the wall, the resulting bang echoes loudly in the quiet room.

  Madalyn flinches.

  Freezing, I turn to her and see nothing but fear in her eyes

  I made her fucking flinch.

  Something I did put that look in her eyes and that’s not okay. Not even close.

  Raising my palms in front of me, I slowly back away.

  “I’d never hurt you, Madalyn. Not. Fucking. Ever.”

  With that, I turn and leave.

  I drive to Blackwood Brewhouse on autopilot. Why the bar? Well, where the fuck else am I supposed to go?

  I park my ass on a stool near the end of the bar. Noah takes one look at me and slides a glass of whiskey in front of me. I don’t touch the drink in front of me. Head hung low, I mentally curse myself for scaring Madalyn. I never, ever want to be the reason for her fear. I hated the look in her eyes, hated knowing that it was there because of me.

  I don’t know how long I sit here, staring at the amber liquid, but I’m not surprised when a set of hands plant themselves in front of me on the bar.

  “What are you doing here, brother?”

  Shaking my head, I keep my eyes lowered. I refuse to answer. I’m an asshole and I deserve to feel like shit for a while.