Supernova

by Kate Stacy

  “Jaxson.” My eyes flit to Holden, but my expression remains blank.

  “Why the fuck are you here instead of at home with my sister?”

  There’s already tension in his voice. If I tell him...he’s gonna want to kick my ass. Knowing that, I open my mouth and spill. I tell him everything anyway. Better he hears it from me. I’m man enough to admit I fucked up. I tell him about our conversation, leaving out some of the more personal details. When I finish, Holden chuckles and shakes his head.

  “What’s funny about this shit?” I ask.

  “You’re a fuckin’ idiot, brother. You and Madalyn are so stupidly perfect for each other, it’s ridiculous.”

  “The fuck?”

  “You love her?” he asks, brow raised in a question he already knows the fucking answer to.

  “You fuckin’ know I do.”

  “Then pull your head outta your ass, sober up, and go home so you can make this right.”

  “Don’t need to sober up. Haven’t even taken a sip.”

  He looks to Noah, who nods in confirmation.

  “Then what the fuck are you waiting for? Go!”

  He’s right. There’s only one place I should be right now and it’s not in this bar. Standing, I pull my keys from my pocket and head for the door. I’m almost there when Holden calls out my name.

  “Yeah?” I say, looking back.

  “Family or not, you hurt my sister and I’ll break your fucking face.”

  “I’d expect nothing less, brother.”

  Madalyn hasn’t moved an inch from the spot where I left her.

  She hasn’t acknowledged my return, so I stand here silently studying her.

  The room is cloaked in darkness, the moonlight spilling through the sliding glass door illuminating her face. God, my beautiful girl looks so defeated, so hopeless.

  Stepping quietly into the room, her gaze finds mine, but her eyes remain guarded.

  “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry,” I rasp.

  Moving to stand in front of her, I drop to my knees and lay my head on her lap.

  “I shouldn’t have yelled, Mads. I’m sorry I raised my voice, and I’m sorry I scared you. But I would never hurt you. Would never lay a fucking finger on you in anger.”

  “I know,” she says, voice laced with tears. “My reaction was involuntary, Jaxson. I’ve never once been afraid of you. You’re the last person that would ever intentionally cause me pain. I know that. You had every right to be angry, and you held it in for so long. I’m sorry.”

  With my head in her lap and arms around her waist, her hand moves to my head, fingers gently running through my hair. My breath hitches and I let it all out. Anger. Guilt. Remorse. Regret. It all leaves my body in a flood of tears. I decide in that moment that the past no longer matters.

  Madalyn continues stroking my hair, and I hold on just a little tighter.

  Right here. Right now. This moment.

  It’s a new start. A new beginning. For both of us.

  It’s been seven weeks since my husband tried to kill me. Seven weeks since he shot me twice—taking the life of our unborn child—before turning the gun on himself.

  Most of my physical wounds have healed, but those wounds left scars to serve as a reminder. I survived. On the days that I struggle, those days where I want to crawl into a dark hole and let the world disappear...on those days I only need to look in a mirror to remind myself that he did not win.

  I’ll never be the same. Physically. Mentally. It’s impossible to be the woman I was before. The events of that night altered me in a way that can never be changed.

  Healing has been a slow process. One that’s ongoing. I still have my doubts and fears but getting everything out in the open has gone a long way to helping me move forward.

  Three weeks have passed since the night Jaxson and I purged our demons, clearing the air between us.

  The two of us spoke some harsh truths, but at the end of the night, we made a silent agreement to leave the past where it belongs.

  Life didn’t stop the day we lost our baby.

  The world kept spinning and we both survived the best we knew how.

  Mistakes were made. Damage was done. And though some things can never be taken back, we’ve started to heal. Him. Me. The two of us together.

  We’ve grown closer these last few weeks. Something I never thought possible. If I hadn’t lived through the last few years, I would think that Jaxson and I were never apart. Things between us are good. We both have our bad moments—me more than him—but there’s an ease and comfort to our interactions that was missing for too long.

  We spend most of our time together. Even when our family and friends are around, we tend to stick together. Jaxson is always holding me or finding little ways to touch me. We were inseparable before, but it was never like this.

  It’s so natural to be with him.

  Therein lies the problem. I’m not actually with him. We’re...friends? Maybe. I honestly don't know what the hell we are, but we’re definitely not together.

  It’s a topic that Audra and I discuss frequently.

  My situation isn’t normal, not by any means. I mean...how soon is too soon to move on? There’s no love left in my heart for David. While I mourned the man he was when we met, any remnants of love I may have still had for him died the day he did. I owe nothing to his memory.

  If I’ve learned anything from the tragic events I’ve survived, it’s that life is too damn short.

  Desperation lead me to make foolish mistakes in the past.

  I’ve taken care not to repeat those same mistakes.

  I’m moving on, but not without caution.

  Tonight, Jaxson and I have plans for dinner. Out of the house, out in the open, in full view of curious eyes. I’m sure there will be speculation. I know there will be gossip. Blackwood’s known for it after all, but that’s life in a small town. Speculation and gossip is all they’ll get, because I don’t even know what this is.

  We’ve shared most meals together since I became his semi-permanent house guest, but never one outside the house. Is it dinner between friends? A date? Something else entirely?

  Not knowing is messing with my head. I have so many questions that I’m too afraid to ask. Guess I’ll just go with the flow and see what happens.

  There aren’t many options in the way of restaurants, so we end up at the small diner in the center of town. He wanted to take me to the nicer, fancier restaurant, but I opted for casual and comfort.

  Settled in a booth in the back corner of the diner, we’re away from most of the prying eyes of the busybodies in town. The friendly waitress is quick to take our order, and flits away with a promise of our food being out shortly.

  Any confusion on what tonight’s about disappears with one look from Jaxson. He’s looked at me like this a thousand times before. I hadn’t realized how much I missed it until now.

  How on earth was I ever foolish enough to leave him?

  We chat comfortably while we wait for our meals. When the waitress places my plate down in front of me, I dig into my burger with gusto. I didn’t have much of an appetite the first few weeks. Between the stress, pain, and depression, I was starting to waste away. It didn’t help that I had already reached an unhealthy weight before I ever made the decision to leave.

  When I notice Jax watching me, I slow down and finish chewing.

  “What? Do I have something on my face?” I reach for a napkin, but he places his hand on top of mine and gives me a tender smile.

  “No. It’s just good to see you eat. You’re always beautiful, Mads, but you finally look healthy again. You’ve gained back some of the weight you lost, and it looks damn good, baby.”

  I’m not sure how to respond to his words, so I don’t. I turn my focus back to my food until he speaks again.

  “Thanks for coming out with me tonight,” he says.

  “I’m happy to, Jax. It’s honestly nice to get out of the house. Feels good to b
e doing something so normal after hiding myself away for so long.”

  “You’ve come a long way in a short time. What happened, Mads...you could have let it break you, but you didn’t. You went through hell and came out the other side stronger than ever. You’re fucking fierce, baby.”

  Jax throws me a wink, and though I don’t necessarily agree with him—I smile.

  “I’m not as strong as I might seem, Jax. If anything, I get my strength from you.”

  Ignoring my compliment, he wraps his hand around mine and studies me for a minute. It makes me wonder what’s going on inside his head. What’s he thinking when he looks at me that way?

  “I want to talk about us, Madalyn.”

  “Us?” I repeat.

  “Yeah, us,” he says, brushing his thumb back and forth across my wrist. “I don’t know where your head is at, not really. But I don’t want another day to go by without telling you how I feel.”

  “How you feel?” I parrot back. Trying to mentally shake off the cloud that’s floating around in my head making me appear like a clueless fool.

  “Are you going to repeat everything I say as a question?” he teases.

  His question breaks whatever spell had a hold of me and I tell him with a playful laugh, “I might.”

  He shakes his head, chuckling as he pops a fry into his mouth.

  “Look, just...listen to what I have to say before you jump in, okay?”

  My nod is all he needs to keep going.

  “I love you, Madalyn. That’s not a secret. Never has been. I know it hasn’t been long since everything went down, but I feel like I’ll regret not telling you that I want to be with you.”

  I open my mouth to respond, but he places his index finger over my lips.

  “Let me finish, please.”

  He removes his finger, but only when he’s sure I won’t speak.

  “If you’re not ready—I’ll understand. I’ll wait. As long as it takes, I will wait. But I want another chance with you. The future we could have had was stripped from us and it wasn’t fair, baby. But life has given us a second chance...and I really, really want to take that chance.”

  He sits back, watching as I process his words.

  A second chance with Jaxson sounds too good to be true.

  I love him, more than anything, but I wonder if he’s really thought this through. I want to tell him yes. More than anything, I want to open my mouth and tell him that I’d love to be with him. But I hesitate. Because I’m not the same person I was before. So much has happened. So much has changed. What if he doesn’t like the person I’ve become?

  I don’t even know if I can have a healthy relationship after the things David put me through. I still have a lot of battles ahead of me, and it’s not exactly fair to expect Jaxson to fight them alongside me. I’m not sure I can ask him to wait by my side while I battle my demons and try to heal invisible scars. I know he would, it’s just the type of person he is. Deep down, Jaxson is inherently good. He may fit the physical mold for the stereotypical bad boy, but he’s sweet to his core. Even if only for me.

  Uncertainty and doubt are vicious bitches.

  If there’s one thing about Jaxson that I know without a doubt—it’s that he wants a family. He’s always wanted a family, and I know it’s that much more important to him now that his has disowned him, simply for loving me. How can I willingly attach myself to him knowing that I can never give him the family he desires?

  I can’t give him an answer. Not tonight.

  I tell him as much, and he genuinely understands. I don’t give him my reasons. Not yet.

  I have a decision to make, but first I need to talk to Audra.

  Audra has become more than my therapist.

  I’d go as far as to say she’s becoming a good friend.

  Our sessions have changed drastically since I started seeing her four years ago. I’m the priority, of course, but we spend a lot of time talking about her life, too. Maybe it’s frowned upon, given her profession, but I like knowing more about the person I spill my guts to once a week.

  Audra is a few years older than me, but I think that’s what makes her easy to talk to. When I first sought out a therapist, I thought I’d get stuck with some middle-aged man. One with glasses, and a monotone voice. Like that guy from those eye drop commercials. I could have never opened up to someone like that.

  I was thrilled to find Audra, and I felt comfortable with her right away.

  Talking about Jaxson is usually harder than almost everything else, so rather than our usual phone sessions, we decide to use a video chat for today. The minute I see Audra’s face on the screen, all the tension leaves my body. I’m not sure if it’s her laid-back, almost hippie vibe, or something else, but she provides me with some sort of insta-calm.

  “Hey, Madalyn. Tell me how you’re doing,” she says with a bright smile.

  We cover the basics, glossing over the nightmares I can’t seem to shake. I tell her how well I’ve been doing physically, especially the fact that I’ve been gaining back all the weight I’ve lost.

  “I can see the difference. You look incredible, Madalyn. Better than I’ve ever seen you.”

  Thanking her for the compliment, I decide to get to the real reason for my emergency session.

  “Jaxson and I went on a date. Well...I think it was a date. I mean, we’re still living together, so he didn’t pick me up or anything.”

  “Focus,” she says calmly.

  I always start to ramble when I’m feeling unsure. Anxiety is one of the lingering effects of the abuse and trauma. Some days are worse than others, but it’s an ongoing struggle.

  Reminding myself to breathe, I get straight to the point.

  “Jaxson said he wants to be with me again.”

  “I see.”

  It’s when she says shit like this that I’m reminded of the fact that she’s my therapist, not my friend.

  “Is that something you want? More than that...is it something you’re ready for?”

  I don’t even have to think about the first one.

  “I want it more than anything…”

  “But…” she leads.

  “I...I’m afraid. That I won’t be able to make him happy or give him what he needs.” What I’m not saying, is that I worry that I’m not what he needs, but Audra sees right through me. She always does.

  “Mads…” She rarely calls me by my shortened name. It means that she’s slipping out of her professional role and into her friend role. In other words, she’s about to say something blunt, bordering on unprofessional. “You’ve come too far to pull this shit now. I’ve never met him, but you’ve never had anything legitimately bad to say about him. He’s a grown ass man and he knows what he wants. That’s you. If I had to wager a bet...I’d say you’re exactly what he needs.”

  Called it.

  “Is that your professional opinion, doc?” I quip.

  “Abso-fucking-lutely.”

  Laughter bursts from both of us. This is exactly why I call her a friend. She goes above and beyond her role as my therapist, especially to call me out on my shit. I’m pretty sure she enjoys it.

  “Seriously, Mads. You’ve gotta trust that Jaxson knows his heart. If you feel ready to move on, then go for it.”

  “It’s not too soon?” I ask, wanting to tackle my other concern.

  “Who’s to say what’s too soon? Your situation is extremely unique.” She shrugs. “No one can tell you what’s right or wrong. Besides, it’s not like he’s some guy you met on the street. You’ve known him since you were kids. You two have history.”

  I can’t argue when I know she’s right.

  “Now, I’m slipping back into therapist mode before our time is up.”

  Rolling my eyes at her warning, I tuck my legs underneath me and wait. She does this. Loosens me up to ask the uncomfortable questions. It’s part of the reason I’ve been able to open up so much.

  “We’ve talked about almost everything, and like I sai
d, you’ve come a long way in a short time. There’s only one thing you haven’t talked about—”

  “No,” I cut her off.

  I won’t. I can’t. Not yet.

  “Keeping it all in is only hurting you, Madalyn. Locking it away doesn’t make it better. The one thing you refuse to talk about...it’s the one thing that’s holding you back.”

  Sniffling, I wipe a stray tear. “I know, but I’m not ready.”

  I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready.

  It’s the one thing that haunts me more than anything else.

  The devastating loss of my beautiful babies.

  A blood-curdling scream wakes me from a dead sleep. Jumping out of bed in nothing but a pair of boxer briefs, I bolt down the hall to Madalyn’s room.

  Waking like this in the middle of the night—it’s nothing new.

  Regardless of how well Mads appears to be doing, she still struggles. During the day, she’s relatively happy. Sometimes I catch her staring off into space, lost in her own head. But mostly she’s okay.

  At night, though, that’s when the monsters show themselves. In the dark, her demons come out to play. I hate it. I want to protect her, shield her from the things that still haunt her. I want to be her knight. I want to battle her monsters and slay her demons. But how can I fight something I can’t even see?

  Slipping into her bed, I pull her body against mine, crooning and murmuring words of comfort into her ear. She’s still asleep, but I don’t wake her. I don’t need to. Even in sleep, she knows she’s safe in my arms.

  When I feel the tension drain from her limbs, I finally relax. She doesn’t have these dreams when she sleeps with me. Sleeping alone is torture for her, but ever since our talk at dinner the other night, she’s stubbornly insisted on sleeping in her own bed.

  Another man might take offense. Another man might get discouraged that she pulled back a bit, distancing herself when I told her I want us together again. Not me. It only tells me that she’s healing. That strong, stubborn side of her is starting to shine through the fog and I couldn’t be happier. I know that Madalyn still loves me. I feel it down to my soul. She wouldn’t still be here with me if she didn’t.