Chronicles of a Hot Mess

by S. E. Rose

  She looked across the room to find Amery still fast asleep. OK, now what? She decided she should make a fast escape. She could call for an Uber or Lyft ride. She grabbed her phone which was next to the tissues and then realized she was wearing a shirt that was most definitely not hers. It was more like an oversized dress on her. She glanced around and saw her shirt and pants folded neatly at the foot of the bed. A bedside alarm clock read six o’clock.

  She quietly changed and put on her shoes which sat at the foot of the bed. Then she proceeded to find the front door after ordering a car. She went to open the door and suddenly a sound so loud and so terrifying began filling the silence of the early morning hour that she literally jumped up in the air. Holy Fuck! He had a home alarm. Why hadn’t she thought of that? He’s like a famous former baseball player, of course, he had an alarm in his home.

  Before she could figure out her next move, Amery came crashing down the stairs and quickly typed the alarm code in on the alarm pad next to the door.

  “Sorry,” she mumbled as she stared at her feet. There was no way she could look him in the eyes now.

  “You were leaving?” Amery asked, his voice confused and still sleepy.

  “I didn’t want to bother you, especially after...I’m really sorry about your car, Amery,” she muttered to the floor, the expensive wood floor that looked too shiny, too unused.

  “Hey, it’s alright, Lyla. You fell asleep and I didn’t want to wake you. I can give you a ride home if you like,” he said.

  “No, I’ve already troubled you enough. I called an Uber. It should be here any second,” she said, glancing at her phone to confirm that it was indeed almost there.

  “OK,” he said slowly.

  “Thank you for...you know...helping me,” she stammered. She could feel her face turning bright red.

  “Sure. You really shouldn’t drink that much, you know?” he said.

  “I know. It was stupid,” she admitted, begrudgingly. “My Uber is here. Again, I’m so sorry, Amery.” She hesitated for a minute as she opened the door farther and walked out to the waiting car. She saw Amery standing and staring at her as the driver drove them away from the site of her uttermost humiliation to date.

  Chapter 5

  Gran Mill opened the door without saying a word to Lyla. She held out a cup of coffee and an ice pack. Lyla took both and followed her into the kitchen, where they took a seat at the table.

  “So, interesting day at the office, dear?” Gran Mill said as she reached for a bottle of Bailey’s and poured a healthy serving into her cup of coffee and then let it hover over Lyla’s. Lyla quickly held her hand over her mug and shook her head. Gran Mill shrugged.

  Nate walked in and Gran Mill pushed a mug and the carafe of coffee over toward him. He grunted and grabbed a muffin from the muffin tray. Clearly, Gran Mill had been up baking. The woman was notorious for getting up at four in the morning and baking.

  “How was your sleepover? Did you play light as a feather or truth or dare?” Nate asked with a smirk that Lyla wanted to slap off his pretty face.

  She didn’t answer. Instead, she did the much more mature thing, she rolled her eyes.

  “So, spill it, sista,” Nate coaxed.

  Lyla laid her head on the cool table surface. She knew she’d have to tell them. She told them everything. But there was no way she could look at them.

  “I had a few margaritas after banging my head on a bench,” she started, her voice muffled against the table. She held up her hand, knowing that they would be interjecting with comments on her lack of intelligence. “I passed out in his expensive sports car after he offered to drive me home and then I got sick all over me and the car. I passed out again and then he had to take me to his house. I tried to leave early without waking him, but I set off his house alarm when I opened his front door. Anyhow, I left him at the door when my Uber showed up and I am now going upstairs to shower and probably die of humiliation and if I survive that then I’ll be heading to Capitol Hill to prep for tomorrow’s photo shoot. OK? Good. Press conference is over. I won’t be taking any questions at this time,” she ended and got up with her ice pack and coffee and proceeded up to the bathroom.

  There was no knock on the door. Instead, Nate just busted in while she was in the shower. Now, this wasn’t completely un-normal, but shit, couldn’t she just suffer on her own.

  “Friday night, Duff’s, you, me, B-Ray and two drinks plus club sodas for the lightweight,” Nate said and then proceeded to walk back out before she could speak. Duff’s was Nate’s favorite gay bar in D.C. Normally, she didn’t mind going there, but she wasn’t sure she could handle it this week. And B-Ray...she loved B-Ray, but B-Ray, was well, B-Ray. B-Ray or Belle Ray, also known as Bernard Raymond, was Nate’s good friend. B-Ray was also a trannie or transvestite and a completely hilarious and oftentimes mental person. She usually had to prep herself for the insane ball of energy that B-Ray was when they were going out. B-Ray had two modes, the girls’-night-in-with-p.j.’s-and-popcorn-and-chillaxing mode and the probably-did-speed-or-cocaine-level-of-hyped-up-party-girl, clubbing-till-the-place-shuts-down mode. She just wasn’t sure she could handle partying B-Ray this week.

  She sighed and got ready to go. Her day went off without a hitch. She spent it getting ready for the following day’s shoot with the senator and prepping the shoot at the comedy club for Monday. She wanted to contact Amery and apologize, but she was just too humiliated. She couldn’t see him again, and she grimaced when she remembered that in about two weeks, she would have to see him at the gala. She buried that thought as she went about her day.

  Gran Mill was waiting with a martini when she arrived home.

  “Welcome home, dear. How was your day?” she said as she handed Lyla the drink.

  Lyla kissed her cheek. “Thanks, Gran. It was good actually. I’m looking forward to the shoot tomorrow. I think it’ll be a really good one.”

  “Excellent, my love. Now, you two are still going out tomorrow, right?” Gran Mill asked as they headed toward the kitchen. Lyla dropped her bags on the sofa.

  “Yeah, why?” Lyla asked as she took a seat at the breakfast bar and watched Gran Mill spoon chowder into a bowl and set it in front of her.

  “Oh, I have a gentleman caller coming over,” she explained.

  Lyla promptly spat her drink all over the counter.

  “Sweetie, are you OK?” Gran Mill asked grabbing a paper towel.

  “Uh, yeah, fine. Who’s coming over?” she managed after another sip of martini.

  “Roger,” Gran Mill said with a sparkle in her eye.

  “Roger...,” Lyla repeated trying to place the name.

  “Fuck yeah, Roger’s coming over?” Nate asked as he walked into the kitchen.

  “Now, Nathan, seriously, dear,” Gran Mill said swatting him with a kitchen towel.

  He chuckled. “Just don’t get tied up in any shenanigans, OK? I don’t want an episode like your friend Gertie had a few months ago.”

  “Wait, what? That Roger is coming over?” Lyla said spitting out her drink once again.

  “YOLO,” Nate and Gran Mill chimed in together and then fist-bumped. Lyla put her head in her hands and shook her head.

  “The Roger that got Gertie tied up in some sex swing and then couldn’t get her down and had to call the paramedics when her leg started losing circulation? That Roger?” she asked.

  “That’s the one, dear. It was just an unfortunate event. Trust me, I won’t be walking on the wild side. He’s only bringing some of his toys, but only the mild stuff. So, we’ll be fine,” she went on as she ladled Nate soup.

  Nate sat down next to Lyla and proceeded to eat as though this was the most natural conversation ever had between a grandchild, her gay best friend, and her grandmother.

  “Gran, ‘toys’...seriously? That’s pretty intense shit for someone your age,” Lyla said.

  “Oh, don’t worry, Ly. I told him only that Fifty Shades stuff, you know, nothing hardcore.”


  Nate tried to contain his laughter and excused himself quickly after scarfing the bowl of chowder.

  “I gotta go...uh...do some stuff,” he said as he scurried out of the room.

  “Gran, please, for the love of God, do not do any crazy sex shit tomorrow. Promise me?” Lyla pleaded.

  “Oh, fine, dear, we’ll keep it PG-14, OK?” she said as she took Lyla and Nate’s bowls to the sink.

  “Thank you,” Lyla huffed as she practically ran out of the room and headed upstairs to put on her comfy clothes and try to forget the entire conversation she had just had with her grandmother.

  Chapter 6

  After working on her blog for a while, Lyla decided she wanted to wrap it up for the night. She knocked on the door to the bathroom.

  “Nate?” she yelled. “Hurry up! I have to pee!”

  “Go to Millie’s bathroom,” he yelled through the door.

  “Fuck you, hurry up,” she yelled again.

  “I’m busy,” he groaned, but then she heard him grimace and not a “he needed a laxative” grimace.

  “Nate, are you alright?” Lyla asked, her voice softened from the concern she suddenly felt.

  Nate sighed. “Yeah, just having an issue.”

  “Maybe I can help?” she suggested.

  Nate laughed. “Uh, no, thanks.”

  “Nathan Edward Thalen, you better open this door! I mean it, mister, right now!” she yelled, using her most scolding mom voice.

  There was silence on the other side of the door for a minute, and then she heard the lock turn. The door slowly opened, and she peeked inside. Nate had on a shirt that covered his junk, but he was bent over the sink, and protruding out of his ass was...was...what the fuck was protruding out of his ass?

  “Nate, what the fuck is in your ass, dude?” Lyla asked, trying to stifle a giggle, but failing horribly.

  “Seriously, Lyla, what do you think it is?” Nate said, looking at her with a giant smirk.

  “Please tell me that is not a butt plug, please, please,” she begged.

  Nate gave her a scathing look.

  “Oh, dear God, it’s a butt plug,” she muttered. “So, what’s the problem?”

  Nate’s face turned a bit pink. “I can’t get it out,” he groaned.

  Lyla looked at Nate’s pained face and then his ass, and she literally fell on the floor in a fit of laughter.

  She held up a finger, signaling she needed a second. Nate’s death stare had her stopping. “Sorry,” she said, holding up her hands. “It’s just...so...uh...unexpected?”

  “Seriously, Ly, have I taught you nothing about gay sex?” Nate scolded. He tried to look angry, but she could tell he was overthinking this and probably clenching his ass, thus the problem.

  “Uh, right,” she murmured. Truth be told, Nate had told her everything about sex, gay and otherwise. She had been a late bloomer in pretty much all aspects of life. “You want me to...uh...you know...” She trailed off as she looked back at the offending sex toy.

  “I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this,” he said. “Yes, yank it.”

  “Are you sure? I mean, maybe you should see a butt doctor or something,” she said as she stepped closer and studied the object protruding from his ass.

  “Uh, yeah, how about you just assist?” Nate said.

  “Fine. Just remember, you asked for it,” she reminded him. He nodded and gripped the sink.

  “OK, on the count of three, I’ll pull while you push. Just relax, OK. You have to unclench, or this plug is not going to come out,” she said as she gripped a small handle part of the ass plug. “Jeez, how much lube did you put on this thing? It’s really slippery.”

  “Apparently not enough,” he grimaced. “It’s my largest one. I wanted to be ready for Brian.”

  “Uh, well, mission accomplished. You officially have a 747 stuck in your anus,” she said giving it a small tug. “Jesus, I didn’t even know they came this large.”

  “That’s what she said!” they both yelled simultaneously, followed quickly by a unison, “Jinx.”

  They stared at each other for a moment. Silence descended upon the small bathroom.

  “Fine, I yield. Just get it out, Ly,” he said.

  “Natie, you fucking owe me, dude. Like seriously, this is crossing the friend line, but since you’re more like my brother than my friend...” She trailed off and stared at Nate’s ass again. She cocked her head to one side. He did have a nice ass.

  “Are you checking out my ass?” Nate exclaimed in disbelief.

  She nodded with a shrug and he rolled his eyes and then gave her a death look. She tried to look sheepish about it, but seriously, he had a great butt. She shook her head to clear her mind and took a small hand towel to give her some traction and wipe off some of the lube. She got a better grip on it and started to pull.

  “You have to relax,” she said.

  “You don’t think I’ve been trying to,” he muttered.

  “Well, try harder,” she said. She got a good stance, so she’d have traction on the tiles and then pulled gently with all her might. “OK, it’s coming out, but holy hot damn the big part is going to hurt like a mo-fo, just be still.”

  Nate grimaced again as she grabbed the lube bottle and poured a little down his ass crack.

  “Seriously, Natie, it’s like your butt hole is having a giant baby. What the fuck were you thinking? Brian’s dick cannot seriously be this large. And if it is, then I want dibs or at least sloppy seconds.”

  “Ly, less talking, more assisting,” Nate said through clenched teeth.

  “But seriously, how big is he? I mean are we talking like eight inches or a footlong?” she asked as she continued to gently work the ass plug out of his clenched rectum.

  “He’s big, OK,” Nate conceded with a grunt. “But yeah, I might have overdone it with the plug.”

  “Uh, yeah. I mean shit, this is like a naughty movie butt plug. Like an ‘I train my ass daily for a decade’ butt plug. Like an 'I take two dicks in here at once’ butt plug.”

  “Ly, shut the fuck up and keep pulling.”

  Lyla stifled another giggle and then gently eased the largest part of the plug out of Nate’s bottom as he pushed it out. The rest came out with a gush of lube.

  “Ew, dude, seriously, your ass just gave birth. I’m pretty sure the placenta’s going to come out next. Should I wait for the next contraction or what?” she laughed as she tossed the offending plug into the sink.

  “Fuck off, Perkins,” he growled.

  “I think I can see up to your stomach now. Seriously, if Brian fucks you right now, you won’t even need lube because there’s a fucking crater back here. I don’t think that was a butt plug. I think that was the drill they use for oil exploration.”

  “You done yet?” Nate asked, turning around to give her a death stare.

  She shrugged. “Maybe. Seriously, dude, you could have just removed it yourself.”

  Nate rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I may have panicked a bit and forgot to relax. Anyhow, I need to shower. So, uh, yeah, thanks for the assistance.”

  “I’m happy to ASS-ist, any time. Just ASSk me. Should I say this in another way, so you can ASS-imilate the information?” She covered her mouth with her hand, trying to keep the laughter contained.

  “Seriously, you done?” he said as he put his hands on his hips, but he also was trying to contain a smile.

  “Fine, yes. BUTT, don’t forget who helps you with your problem- Os,” she said giggling and pointing to her butt.

  Nate rolled his eyes again and started to remove his shirt. Lyla covered her eyes.

  “Geez, just let me pee,” she said and walked into the small room that was just the toilet. She heard the shower start and Nate sigh.

  “Maybe try a bath with Epsom salts,” she suggested as she walked out of the bathroom.

  “Yeah, on it,” he said from behind the shower curtain.

  She hurried past the bathtub and as she got to the door, she stopped.
<
br />   “Nate?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I think you should retire that plug, OK?”

  Nate laughed. “Yeah, me too.”

  “Cool. I just don’t want a repeat of this episode of Nate and Lyla’s Fucked-Up Existence, OK?”

  “But, sugar lips, it wasn’t good for you?” Nate said in a high-pitched voice.

  “I think we may have crossed my comfort line with ass play tonight,” she grumbled.

  “Seriously, Ly, don’t knock it till you try it. I admit, stupid class A fuck-up on my part tonight, but regular-sized ones are actually not bad,” he explained.

  “If you say so, but I think I’ll be keeping my ass ‘butt plug-free,’” she said as she turned the door handle.

  “Your loss, sweetcakes,” he yelled over the noise of the shower.

  “Somehow, I don’t think so. Oh, and by the way, remember the Kegel balls?” she said loudly as she left the bathroom.

  She heard him sigh even through the echoing sound of running water.

  “Yeah, paybacks are a bitch, aren’t they? I do believe the karma fairy stopped by,” she added with a smirk and laugh as she left the bathroom.

  Chapter 7

  The next shoot went off without a hitch. She couldn’t have asked for more perfection. As it turned out, the senator was more gracious than she had expected, and Kevin was great. He let her be more involved this time, asking her opinions on things and having her go over the shots with him. There was not one catastrophe or mistake. When she finally handed Stewie the last of the equipment to take back to the office, she slouched on a chair and closed her eyes.

  “You OK, Lyla?” Kevin asked.

  She opened one eye and examined him. Kevin really was a good-looking guy and he was nice. She hoped that they would be able to form a good working relationship.

  “I’m fine, just tired,” she said. “I’ll see you on Monday at the comedy club?” she asked.