Backfire

by J. R. Tate

“I don’t know. Just might be something to do later on if you have time. Let’s go inside. I want to introduce you to my roommate and some of the friends I’ve made.”

  ***

  By the time they got done being introduced to everyone and getting a tour of Casey’s area, Michael felt like he was going through the program as well. One of the counselors gave them an itinerary of events that would happen over the next few days, and Michael wasn’t thrilled about some of them.

  They finally got dinner a little after six, and after a day of traveling, they were all starved and exhausted. Casey was right about the food. They sat in one of the many dining areas and were served steak, baked potatoes, beans, and salad.

  “So, the schedule for tomorrow looks interesting,” Eva said as she skimmed a finger over the times. “This is an awesome experience. I’ve always wondered how these places work. I watch those shows like Intervention and they never really go into depth about it.”

  Michael wiped his face clean and looked at the paper with her. “I don’t know if I’m going to share the same enthusiasm as you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Nine AM we have to go to a meet and greet. Ten o’clock is activity time. Then we sit through a lecture on coping with an addict in recovery. Not my idea of fun.”

  “The point of it all is to see what a day is like for Casey. You being here doing this is extra support. It’ll be okay. You need to come out of your shell.” Eva pushed her plate away and Michael saw Casey walking back to them, a skinny and haggard looking woman at his side. “Casey’s back, so can the negative comments.”

  “Wow Casey, introduce me to your friend.” The woman sat right next to Michael and scooted her chair as close as it would get to his. He didn’t want to seem rude, so he stayed where he was, wanting to stand up and back away. It was evident that she had been a long time addict.

  “Uhh, Tara, this is Michael, my brother. The lady next to him is Eva, his girlfriend, and that’s our mom, Betty.”

  Tara paid no attention to the other two as they were introduced. She kept her eyes on Michael and let out a high-pitched giggle. “Oh, this is Michael, huh? The firefighter from New York. Damn Casey, you never told me he was so cute.”

  It was possibly the most awkward situation Michael had ever been in. Looking at her from the corner of his eye, he forced a smile and was no longer worried about moving away from her.

  “He’s not exactly my type, Tara.” Casey looked at Michael with an apologetic expression.

  “Well he’s certainly my type.”

  “Everyone’s your type. Get up. I introduced you to my family, now you gotta introduce me to yours.”

  Michael glanced at Eva who had her face turned and ducked, a smirk parting her lips as if she were right on the brink of laughing out loud. Too bad he wasn’t finding it nearly as funny as his mother and girlfriend were. Tara got up and patted the back of Michael’s hand.

  “Can’t wait to get to know you better.” She still made no attempt to acknowledge the two women at the table.

  Clearing his throat, Michael nodded. “Nice meeting you.” His tone was full of sarcasm and somehow he was sure that Tara didn’t catch on. After she was out of earshot, he turned to Eva and forced a fake laugh. “How in the hell was that funny?”

  “I don’t know, but I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of her. You should take it as a compliment, Mikey. She’s smitten.”

  He jabbed his knife into what was left of the meat on his plate. “Oh yeah, real flattering. A ninety-pound drug addict finds me attractive. Just put me in GQ magazine, why don’t you?”

  Casey came back to the table and sat down, thankfully alone this time. “Sorry about that, Mike. She’s a heroin and sex addict. Usually they keep them separate from us.”

  “So Casey, what do we have to look forward to tomorrow?” Michael was in desperate need to change the subject. “I noticed there is one point in time where we have to sit through a therapy session with you.”

  Nodding, Casey took a long swig of tea. “Yeah, they want us to go through some family therapy sessions and let things air out. It’s another way they think it’ll help me cope with stuff. They told me part of my problem is that I let it all bottle up inside, and my release has always been drug use. This will be a good alternative.”

  “Gosh, I didn’t realize we were going to be doing that kind of stuff here. I was under the assumption that we were to come down just to visit and scope the place out.” Michael didn’t want to sound angry and it was all coming out more bitter than he had anticipated.

  “Oh, Mikey, quit bellyaching. It won’t be that big of a deal, and it’s for your brother.” Their mom patted Casey’s hand. “I think it’ll be good for all of us. I need to get more educated on what you’re going through to understand it anyway.”

  “Sorry, not meaning to sound hateful. I’ve just had about enough of bullshit therapy is all.”

  “This will be different,” Casey replied.

  ***

  Michael didn’t know how tired he was until he woke up the next morning and realized he had slept the entire night. Eva was up and fixing her hair. Leaning in, he gave her a small peck on the lips. He felt nervous for the events ahead. What was the family therapy session going to be like? Were they each going to vent away about things they disliked about each other?

  He sat on the edge of the bed and turned the TV on. News of the Bastrop fire was plastered on the screen with scrolling marquees displaying warnings that a mandatory evacuation was taking place. The thought of an entire town being threatened made Michael sick to his stomach, and the fact that it was just thirty miles east made him feel even worse. Here he was, sitting in a nice room with a soft bed and shower right in his grasp, and all those men and women were out there fighting the fire with no luxuries within sight, all of them destined to come back to charred ruins of what used to be their homes.

  “Mikey, you better get a shower. You don’t want to let Tara down.” Eva winked at him. “Don’t lower your standards!”

  “Ha ha, very funny.” He traced his hand down the curve of her hips and kissed the back of her head. “You gonna fight for me if it comes down to me having to make a decision on who to choose?”

  “I’ve got a good thirty pounds on her. I’m not too worried.”

  “We’ll see about that.” He turned her around to face him, his hands cupping her backside as she sat on the counter and wrapped her legs around his waist. Burying his face in her neck, his lips nipped at her collarbone. She leaned back to allow him easier access. A low mumble vibrated in her throat.

  “Mikey, it’s already almost eight thirty.”

  Her comment didn’t stop him and he unbuttoned her shirt as his tongue left a moist spot on her bra. Her fingers pulled at his hair, urging his head upward and away from her body.

  “Babe… our first event is at nine.”

  Looking up, he let out a deep sigh and let go of her, feeling disappointed as her legs dangled beside him. “Damn it, there’s just never enough time.”

  She ran her hand down the side of his face. “Get a shower. I could see them admitting you in here for sex addiction.”

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  ***

  To Michael’s surprise, the morning flew by pretty quickly, probably due in large part to him anticipating the family therapy session scheduled for later in the day. He was also on the lookout for Tara, who he spotted only a few times and was lucky enough to duck out of the way before she saw him. At the meet and greet she got put into a different group. For once, he felt luck was on his side. They were supposed to be at Todd’s office at one o’clock after lunch.

  “You think I should just hang out at our room during the session?” Eva asked Casey. In a way Michael wanted her there, but at the same time he wasn’t sure. What if they got into deep things he had never told her about? There wasn’t much she didn’t know.

  “You can sit in. There’s no problem. You’ve become a big part of my life, too
, and this session is about Mikey as well.”

  Eva grabbed Michael’s hand. “I won’t sit in if you don’t want me to.”

  “It’s fine. You’re a part of this family.”

  She nodded. “Okay. If it gets too awkward or something, just tell me to leave. It won’t hurt my feelings at all.”

  Todd invited them in at one on the dot. The office was bigger than expected, with no desk or barriers between his and their chairs. He was a small man with glasses and a spiky hairdo. When Michael first saw him at the airport, he got good vibes off of him.

  “So, this is the McGinnis family?” He extended his hand out for each of them to shake. “I’m Todd Sullivan. I’ve been Casey’s counselor slash sponsor since he has gotten here.”

  Each one of them introduced themselves and even though Michael still felt nervous, a lot of the tension had been wiped away. Todd seemed like a normal, average guy and not like the cliché therapists his imagination had conjured up. He felt like he liked Todd even better than Dr. Bowen and he had just met the guy.

  “One thing Casey and I have been doing in our personal therapy sessions is talking about memories that aren’t too pleasant in hopes to get it out in the open. It’s the type of memories that give him the urge to go use with the intention of numbing everything. Before we start, I just want to make sure my information is correct.” Todd adjusted his glasses and skimmed over a clipboard on his lap. “Michael, you are an alcoholic, correct?”

  His question was like a punch to his gut. “Yeah. Recovering alcoholic.”

  “That’s good. How many months sober?”

  Michael hadn’t really kept count. He never got the point of it all. Who cares, as long as he knew personally that he wasn’t drinking? It was as if people knew the exact date so they could go out and brag. “I’m not sure, exactly.”

  Todd glanced at him. “Ball park figure.”

  “I drank during our stuff with Viper, so however long ago that was, I guess.”

  Todd jotted some notes down. “Okay. Didn’t mean to put you on the spot, but as you all will soon realize, that’s what is going to happen.” He clicked his pen shut, set the clipboard aside, and moved forward in his chair. “I’m gonna have Casey start talking about things we’ve gone over and allow for you guys to chime in.” He motioned toward Casey.

  “One thing that Todd and I have realized is that the root of my problems is the death of dad.” He looked up from the floor, almost as if he felt guilty for even speaking that word in the presence of their mother, like it was a bad word that should never even be thought about. “I was only eleven and was confused. Mikey, you were fourteen. Ma, this isn’t a jab at your parenting skills at all, but I feel things could have been so much different if dad were around for our teenage years.”

  Michael wasn’t sure if it was okay to interrupt, but he did anyway. “Well of course, Casey. Realizing that dad’s death is a problem isn’t rocket science.”

  “Boys, I’m not in the least bit offended when you say things would’ve been different with your dad. I know that. Every human being knows they need a father figure around. I couldn’t control either of you. Your dad would have never stood for a lot of the stuff you did.”

  Todd broke in, waving his hand to get their attention. Michael looked over at Eva who sat back, knowing she probably had to feel very uncomfortable with all of this. “Ms. McGinnis, when you talk about things your boys did, can you be specific? Let them know exactly what it was.”

  She adjusted the purse in her lap and took in a deep breath, looking as if she’d be more comfortable jumping out the window than rambling on about the past. “Mikey started most of the trouble, and son, that is nothing against you. You were the oldest. You’d sneak out at all hours of the night and bring home fast tailed girls. There were times I didn’t see you for days. You started drinking when you were fifteen. I really thought you weren’t going to finish high school, and it’s nothing short of a miracle that you actually did get your diploma.”

  Michael felt his eyes burn. He was well aware of the trouble he was back then, but actually seeing his mother speak about it broke his heart. If only he could go back and redo it all, he would’ve never even taken a drink of the alcohol or allowed himself to go crazy. Her green eyes were like daggers through him.

  “And Casey, you followed your brother. You did everything he did. Whether Mikey realized it or not, he stepped into the father role. It was like a carbon copy and I had to live through all of the pain twice.” She paused and wiped away a tear with a tissue. “The only difference in you two is that Michael finally got cleaned up. When he came home one day and told me he was joining the New York fire academy, I was thrilled and scared all at the same time. Joining such an elite program meant he was serious about turning his life around. But doing that line of work meant he was going to be in the line of danger every day. All I could think about was you ending up like your father. Dying young. It was definitely bittersweet. That was the one instance that Casey didn’t follow you.”

  Michael shifted his weight in his chair and was at a loss for words. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, scared to look back up at everyone.

  “What are you sorry for, Michael?” Todd asked.

  He stared right at his mother. “For going crazy after dad died. For disappearing for days, for drinking, for bringing strangers into the house, for all of it. I honestly had no idea what was going on.” Anger boiled inside of him, and he instantly felt like he had to plead his side. “I do feel I need to mention this though. Where were you? Why didn’t you stop me? Why didn’t you pull me aside and say hey Mikey, you are out of control? A little guidance might’ve been the key factor, don’t you think?”

  She swallowed hard, almost as if it were a bitter pill. “Yes, I think it would’ve. I don’t want to hand out excuses, but I was so lost. I didn’t know what to do. Your father was always the one who disciplined you boys. Once he was gone, I just couldn’t do it.”

  Michael folded his arms over his chest and leaned back in the chair. “Sounds like we all have the same excuse.”

  “And what excuse is that?” Suddenly Todd was becoming annoying to Michael. His questions that were intended to lead them made him feel like they were in pre-school.

  “That we were lost. All three of us.” He looked over at Eva, wishing he could reach out and hold her hand. She was strong for staying in the room. Most women who even heard a small preview of his past were out the door and long gone. “I remember looking up to dad. It’s one of my first memories.” His voice cracked and he tried to control his emotions. “He was my idol. I’d walk around in his turnouts despite the fact that they were ten times bigger than me. I’d make excuses as to why I walked all of those blocks down to the firehouse just to sit in the truck and pretend like I was going to fires. He is who I followed.” Pointing his finger into his chest, he was surprised at how much he was opening up. He had no intention of talking so much. “Once he was gone, I had no one to follow. I had no one to look up to. Casey had me and I should’ve had you, Ma. My hero was gone. The way I saw it, the only way to go was down.”

  She bit her bottom lip. “I’m sorry to hear that, Mikey.”

  “The important thing is that we all pulled through, even though it took as long as it did. We’re all gonna be okay,” Casey finally chimed in. “Whether you want to believe it or not, Mikey, you’ve been a great big brother. Sure, our teenage years were a massive detour, but doesn’t everyone’s life derail at one point or another?”

  Michael was shocked at what Casey had to say. He felt as if he had talked enough, so he allowed Casey to fill in the silence.

  “I’m sorry it has taken me so long to finally hit rock bottom. But here we are. Mikey, you say that after dad died, the only way you could go was down. Well now, the only way all of us can go is up. There’s no other option. I’m shocked that you are still by my side after everything. The fact that you almost died for me speaks so much louder than words. And yet here you are, here
in Texas, sitting through this session when I know you’d rather walk barefoot across broken glass. I couldn’t ask for a better family.”

  Their mom stood up and pulled Casey in for a tight hug, her body shuddering as tears flowed down her cheeks. “I love you Casey. I’m so proud of you.”

  “I think it’s best we end this session right here. We covered a lot. We’ll meet again before the week is out.” Todd grabbed his clipboard. “Thanks for the cooperation.”

  Michael stared down at the floor, unsure of the emotions he was experiencing. On one hand, he felt good to finally just let it all air out, but at the same time he was so ashamed about everything. He felt vulnerable for opening up so easy.

  On the way back to their room, he clenched on to Eva’s hand so tight that he was certain he was probably hurting her. He lay down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Eva rested her head on his chest. He wished they didn’t have to go back out there for supper and evening events. He just wanted some time alone after all of that.

  “You know how people say they have no regrets in life? That if they got the chance to go back and change one thing, they wouldn’t?”

  Eva lifted her head and faced him. “Yeah, of course.”

  “They’re so full of shit. I’d do it in a heart beat.”

  Chapter Seven

  Michael noticed the next day that there was some free time in the schedule. He couldn’t help but dread and wonder when they would have to meet up with Todd again for another session. It had emotionally drained him and he really didn’t think he could sit through something like that again. He had to remember that he was doing it for Casey, but it was bringing up things that made him want to drink.

  A knock on their door pulled him from his thoughts and Eva answered it. Casey walked in and to Michael’s surprise, was smiling. He was almost certain his mom and his brother wouldn’t want to talk to him after yesterday.

  “Hey Mikey, we’ve got a few hours and they’re letting me leave for awhile. You wanna go grab something to eat in downtown Austin? Maybe see the capitol or something?”