Shameless With Him

by Carrie Ann Ryan

I held back a shudder. I didn’t like being drunk, and I wasn’t sure I liked drunk Kyla either. Maybe it was just the booze in my system.

  “I’m going home.”

  “Okay, doll. See you Monday!” Then she went back to kissing Chad, and I shook my head, turning on my too-high heels to head out to get a cab. Matt’s hands were on my hips as soon as I turned, and I pulled away.

  “Thanks for the drinks, but I need to go home.”

  “I’ll get you outside, baby,” he said. I never hated being called baby before. And yet, with him, I really didn’t want to hear it again. Every time he said the word, it sounded sickly sweet and made me want to take a shower.

  I just needed to get away from him and this night.

  “I’m okay. Thanks, though.” I made my way through the bar, trying to stay on my heels as people bumped into me. Tonight was so stupid. I shouldn’t have used my fake ID. I shouldn’t have had a drink—or four.

  It was going to be okay. I would get home.

  I made my way to the curb where the cabs usually came since this was the strip of my college town where all the bars were, when Matt grabbed my hips again.

  “Let me get you home, baby. We can finish our night.”

  I pushed at him, fear gnawing at my belly. I had my phone in my hand, only I wasn’t thinking clearly, and couldn’t move out of his grasp.

  “No. I want to go home. Alone.”

  “Baby.”

  “She said no,” a deep voice said from our side, and Matt’s grip tightened painfully on my hips.

  “Get the fuck out of here, bro. No one asked you.”

  I raised my knee hard, and Matt grunted, pushing me back so I stumbled into the thick pole behind me.

  “Bitch.”

  “Get your hands off her.”

  I tripped over my heels, and then soft hands were on me. I flinched and looked into green eyes that were unfamiliar but kind.

  “Sorry, sorry. Are you okay? I’m Heather. Caleb is taking care of that guy. Are you all right? Should we call someone?”

  I blinked, suddenly far too sober. I tore my gaze away from Heather and looked at the man I knew. The one who had always been part of my dreams.

  Caleb.

  Of course, it was Caleb Carr. Here. Miles from home. Still here when I needed him—and when I didn’t want to see him. It only made sense. This was the way of things with us.

  Caleb punched Matt in the face, and people started to gather around, talking to each other and shouting. It was too much, and I knew I was going to throw up. I shouldn’t be here. Caleb shouldn’t be here.

  “I’m…I’m fine. I just want to go home.”

  Caleb turned at the sound of my voice, his eyes dark even under the streetlights. “Zoey-girl. You okay?”

  “I’m fine. I…I’m getting a cab. Don’t hurt him.”

  His brows rose as he looked down at Matt on the ground, who currently clutched his head and groaned.

  “I just want to go home.”

  “We’ll take you home,” Caleb growled.

  I shook my head and almost threw up from the dizziness the movement caused. “I’m fine.”

  “We’re taking you home. Heather, get the cab.”

  “Sure thing, hon. We’ll get your friend home.” She squeezed my arms in affection, even as Caleb stepped over Matt’s prone body, and the crowd began to disburse.

  “I just want to go home,” I whispered, not sure anyone could hear me.

  Caleb’s gaze never left mine as he slipped off his leather jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders. “We’ll get you there, Zoey-girl. Trust me. I’ve got you.”

  Tears slid down my cheeks, and my body started to shake as I dug my fingers into the warm leather. Caleb didn’t hold me. Didn’t tell me everything would be okay.

  No one touched me.

  No one talked.

  Because there was nothing to say. My so-called friends hadn’t been there. The boy—no, the man—from my past had been there.

  Again.

  * * *

  Zoey & Caleb – Age 25

  I hated the cold. Okay, sure, I lived in Colorado and was used to it, but it had nothing on the cold of Alaska. Why Amy had to get married to her soulmate in the so-called Alaskan wilderness for a full-on glamping wedding at a log cabin suite in the woods was beyond me. However, she was my friend and had invited me to the wedding. So, here I was, cold, in a dress I hated, and ready to take off my shoes.

  I’d met Amy while working at a flower shop in Denver. I would miss her when she made her final move up to Alaska. She’d met a bush pilot who had come to Denver for work and had fallen in love quickly. Now, she was uprooting her life and moving to the wilderness. I loved Amy and wished her the best. But I missed home.

  I’d moved around enough for college and my first real job. Now, I was back in Denver and about to open my own shop if things went well over the next few months. I wanted to settle. I wanted to find love and heart and start my life.

  I just wanted to be happy.

  As if I’d conjured him from thin air, a voice from my past echoed behind me, and I turned to see the one person I always wanted to see yet never wanted to.

  “Caleb,” I whispered, then cleared my throat. “Why on earth are you in Alaska?” I blurted.

  Caleb flashed that grin that always did things to my insides. “Zoey-girl. I should ask you the same damn thing.” He opened his arms, and I went into them quickly. It was almost as if we always did this. As if it hadn’t been years since we’d seen each other.

  We never talked about that night at the bar. Never needed to. I was fine, and he’d been there. My knight in shining armor. One who wasn’t mine at all.

  He smelled of soap and that candle I loved so much that everyone said scented of man. He reminded me of home. And at that thought, I pulled away quickly and ran my hands down my brown velvet dress.

  “Seriously. I didn’t know you knew Amy.”

  “I don’t. I’m friends with Don. He’s flown me a few places for work.” At my blank look, he continued. “I’m a boilermaker. Sometimes, I work on the oil line. Depends on the season.”

  “I have no idea what that is,” I said, laughing.

  “Not many people do.”

  “Caleb?” A woman with a red dress and even redder lips came up to his side and slid her hand around his waist. “You left me all alone.” She patted his chest with her perfectly manicured fingers, and I curled my hands so she couldn’t see the nicks and scrapes that came with my work. My hands would never be pretty, and I was fine with that. Though seeing Caleb’s date in all her perfect glory just made me want to hide.

  I hated that.

  “Sorry, babe, just saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. Charlene, this is Zoey. We went to school together.”

  “What a small world,” Charlene purred, giving me a little wave before putting her hands back on Caleb. I didn’t blame her one bit. “Nice to meet you.”

  “Nice to meet you, too,” I said quickly. “I should get going. Wedding party duties.”

  “Good to see you, Zoey-girl.”

  Charlene’s grasp tightened, and I stepped back. “You, too. Sometime, we’ll have to meet in Denver again, and not other places around the world.”

  “Sometime,” he repeated, and then I was off, needing my space, needing to breathe. Seeing Caleb again was like a hit to the chest, and I couldn’t focus.

  I didn’t know if I still had my crush. I didn’t think about him daily anymore, but as soon as I saw him, it had tried to come back full-force.

  I reminded myself that he was once again with a date. Once again with a woman who wasn’t me.

  And I was just fine with that.

  I had to be.

  Because Caleb wasn’t mine.

  He never would be.

  * * *

  Zoey & Caleb – Age 28

  Home. This was my home. I finally owned my florist shop in truth. I was my own boss and only answered to the bank. This was mine.
/>   I got to play and work with flowers every day. This would be my future. I couldn’t wait to get my hands dirty—and probably bloody, thorns were the worst!—again.

  I needed to go home and get to bed, but I didn’t think I would be able to sleep. I already had orders waiting and would meet with a couple of wedding planners tomorrow. For tonight, though, it was all mine.

  A tap on the glass pulled a scream from my throat. I turned to the window at the front of my shop, my hand on my phone, the other on my heart.

  “Caleb?” I gasped, and he gave me that damn grin of his. I really hated it, even while I loved it.

  “Open up,” he mouthed, and I quickly went to the door.

  “What are you doing here? I thought you were still in Alaska.”

  He shook his head. I couldn’t read his eyes in the dark to tell what he was thinking. “I’m back.”

  Back.

  I swallowed hard, trying to get my bearings. I hated that he did this to me. After two decades of it, you’d think I should be used to it by now.

  “Amelia didn’t tell me. Welcome back.”

  He shrugged. “She doesn’t know.”

  My eyes widened.

  “Don’t worry, Zoey-girl. She’ll know tomorrow. Wanted to surprise her and the others. Saw you working here and figured I’d check out your new place.”

  I blinked, trying to catch up. “Oh, well, I was just heading home, and it’s dark. Maybe tomorrow?” When I could breathe.

  “I can do that.” He put his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. “Need me to walk you to your car?”

  I saw it then, the worry in his gaze. “I’m fine. Have been since that night. Thank you. Again.” There. I’d mentioned it. Now, I didn’t need to bring it up again. I didn’t have nightmares or anything. I was safe. But I was still embarrassed.

  “Don’t thank me, Zoey-girl. And good.”

  “Caleb?”

  Of course. At this point, it was inevitable. A woman with beautiful brown skin and killer hair walked towards us. She grinned at the two of us and slid her hand into his.

  I mean, why not, right?

  “Renita, this is Zoey, the girl I told you about.”

  He’d talked about me? No, I wasn’t going there.

  “Oh, hi!” Renita leaned forward and kissed my cheek, surprising me. “My sister is getting married soon, and she’s looking for a florist. Hence Caleb mentioning you.” She went on and on about the wedding, and I tried to tune in, but I was tired, and every time I was near Caleb, my brain did horrible things. Like not pay attention. “Anyway, I used to work with Caleb up in Alaska. Now, he’s working down here in Denver again. It’s fate, right?”

  I didn’t look over at Caleb, I couldn’t. I kept my gaze on Renita, and she grinned, the most beautiful soul shining through her eyes.

  “Fate, that sounds about right,” I said, knowing it was the truth.

  Because Caleb being home was fate. It had to be.

  It just couldn’t be mine.

  * * *

  Zoey & Caleb – Age 30

  I’d watched Caleb Carr fall into lust countless times throughout my life. In every corner of the world, fate brought him across my path. And yet it wasn’t the right time.

  Now, it had to be.

  Because I wasn’t going to watch any longer. I was going to be a part of it. I was ready for Caleb Carr to fall in love.

  With me.

  Chapter 2

  Caleb

  I slid my hand across the small table and squeezed Robin’s fingers, grinning at her.

  “You are a very wicked man, Caleb,” Robin purred before taking her hand back. She picked up her glass of merlot and took a sip.

  I leaned back in my chair and shook my head. “There’s nothing wicked about me, Robin. Never has been.” Okay, that was probably a lie, but that was fine with me. I liked Robin. She was sweet, had a brilliant head on her shoulders, and a killer body.

  Her long, black hair flowed down her back, and she had recently cut her bangs so they lay thick across her eyebrow line. I had only really noticed because she’d mentioned it to me when I saw her last at the bar that I went to regularly.

  Not that I indulged all the time, but after a long day, especially when life went to hell like it seemed to be doing a lot these days, I needed a drink. Or at least needed to be near the noise of other people.

  Then I would go home and laugh at my solitude, something I was getting much better at in my old age.

  “Now you’re not paying attention to me,” Robin said, tapping her fingernail on her glass. I didn’t understand how she kept such great nails, considering that she typed for most of the day. She was a computer programmer—one of the best, according to her and anyone in the field who had ever spoken about her.

  I was decent with computers, but nowhere near her level. So, if I ever needed to hack something or troubleshoot an issue with my laptop, she was the person to call. She’d charge an arm and a leg, but she was apparently worth that and more.

  “Sorry. Woolgathering.”

  “That’s fine. Are you going to tell me what you’re thinking about?”

  “That brain of yours,” I said honestly.

  Her eyes brightened. “That’s better than talking about any other part of my anatomy, as most guys tend to do.”

  I snorted and took a sip of my vodka and water. I wasn’t going to finish it, but it was good for appearances. I was mostly on the water these days.

  “You have other assets, as well,” I said, grinning. “Ones I’m open to talking about if you’re in the mood.” A total line, but it was rote at this point. When had I become jaded?

  “Yes, and I tend to like those assets.” Her gaze traveled down to her very impressive cleavage, and then she laughed, making her boobs jiggle just enough. Dear God, I was going to lose my mind. But she knew that, and she was good at exploiting it. I liked a woman who was confident with her mind and body and knew exactly who she was.

  I used to be that same type of person. Confident, happy, and knew what I was doing. These days? Not so much. But I didn’t want to get into that. I didn’t want to get serious or think about anything but what we were up to for the night.

  Because this wasn’t going to be serious. Nothing I ever did was serious. And every date that I had knew that going in. Not that I was an asshole or scared of commitment or anything, but I had plans. And before I moved back to Denver, those plans hadn’t included women other than for the short-term. For the long-term? Not so much.

  Dating when I was in Alaska had been interesting, and I hadn’t done it all that often considering the ratio of men to women where I had been living.

  Dating in Denver? Well, I was at the age where everyone wanted to settle down, and I didn’t know what I wanted yet. Not with everything that had happened recently. But, no, I wasn’t going to think about that. Not now, at least.

  “Anyway, how are you liking your new job outside of the wilderness?” Robin asked as the waiter set down our meals. I had ordered the fish, and she got the steak. My mouth salivated for the filet, but I was being good. Less red meat, and less alcohol, even though I was sipping a little vodka tonight.

  “Denver is its own wilderness, even though it’s a little different from Alaska.”

  “It’s so funny that most people think that Denver, like Texas, must be filled with cowboys and is the Wild Wild West. And then, us Denverites, or Denveronians, whatever they call us, all think that Alaska must be much of the same.”

  “What do they call people from Denver?

  “Happy?” Robin asked and then laughed.

  “That fish looks amazing.”

  I shrugged and looked down at my plate. “Want a bite?”

  “I would love some. Would you like some steak?”

  “I should say no, but I’d love a bite.”

  “Watching your red meat intake?”

  “Hey, I’m thirty. I should.”

  “I thought that’s what they said at fort
y?”

  “Apparently, thirty is the new forty and all that.”

  “I thought it worked the opposite way,” she said with a laugh. We traded some of our meals. I moaned when I took a bite of the steak.

  I missed red meat. My doctor said I needed to be careful, hence why I had moved from Alaska to Denver in the first place. And why I was no longer working out on the line at the new construction job, but rather running it from behind the scenes, and mostly on my tablet from behind a desk.

  I was damn good at my job, but sometimes I missed working with my hands like I used to.

  However, it was hard to do that when I wasn’t sure what was coming.

  “Well…I, for one, am glad that you’re back in Denver,” Robin said, grinning. “I think we went on a date what, ten years ago or so? When we were babies.”

  I snorted. “We were babies. We’re completely different people now.”

  “That’s good. Either that or you’ve gone through all of the women on the western hemisphere and now you have to circle back. Which isn’t so good.”

  I almost choked on my water and shook my head. “I’m not that bad.”

  “You are. Except you never string anyone along. You’re exactly who you say you are.”

  I frowned. “And what am I, exactly?”

  Robin shook her head. “Nothing bad. Please don’t take it badly. I’m ruining this. All I meant is that anyone going on a date with you knows it’s not going to be serious. And no one goes in trying to change you. If they do, then they’re in for a rude awakening.”

  I looked down at my fish and played with the fork in my hand. “I didn’t realize I was that predictable.”

  “Oh, shush. I’m just as predictable. I haven’t had a serious relationship in the ten years since we’ve seen each other. In fact, I’ve been so focused on work, it was a surprise that I was even at that bar when I saw you again. And now, coming out to dinner with you… We’re doing this lovely surf and turf thing, and we’re not going to ruin it by talking about serious things. Only happy stuff.”

  I nodded and forced a smile. “Okay, I can do that.”

  I grinned and let the disappointment seep from me. It wasn’t like I really wanted a serious relationship with Robin. I just didn’t like the fact that, apparently, it was tattooed on my forehead that I wasn’t the person one went to for a serious relationship. Maybe it was asking too much for me not to feel like a complete asshole. Or perhaps that was just who I was.