Shameless With Him

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “Weakling,” I said, trying to laugh, and then I groaned. I knew I shouldn’t have done that.

  “I’m turning off all the lights,” Thea said as she waddled around. I wouldn’t actually ever tell her that she was waddling. Still, she looked amazingly gorgeous and hilarious with her big belly coming in like three full seconds before the rest of her entered a room.

  “I’m going to put a couple of your smaller sheets on some of your lamps. I wish I had my scarves with me so it wouldn’t look too ridiculous.”

  “Let her nest, and let me take care of you,” Dimitri rumbled low.

  “Migraines suck,” I whispered, and Dimitri came back with a cool washcloth, wiping my brow.

  “It’s only migraines?” Dimitri asked. “Not that migraines are a small thing.”

  “Did a CAT scan. No tumors.”

  Thea sucked in a breath, and I hated that I’d said anything in front of her. I didn’t want to stress her out during this stage of her pregnancy—not that anything was wrong with her, but I worried. “You don’t want to hurt the baby, maybe you should go to the other room,” I whispered.

  “The baby is fine, you’re the one I’m worried about.”

  I heard more than saw Thea lower herself into the chair by my side as Dimitri helped her.

  “Do we need to call your doctor?” Dimitri asked.

  I almost shook my head but then thought better of it. “I’m fine,” I whispered again. “I’m trying to figure out the answers. I don’t have them.”

  “We’ll talk more in the morning.”

  “I don’t want to talk.”

  “You’re going to tell us everything that’s going on. We’re your family. You came back here for a reason. Let us help.”

  “I don’t have anything to tell.” I knew I was drifting off, but I wanted to get the words out. “Migraines, a hallucination, no brain tumor that they can see. We’re still trying to figure it out, but so far, just these really bad fucking migraines.”

  “Okay, then,” Dimitri said, letting out a shuddering breath. “You get some sleep. We’ll figure out what to do later. Together. All of us. You’re not in this alone.”

  I might have argued, but I couldn’t. I really didn’t want to. After all, I had come back to Denver for more than one reason. I needed to tell them everything, hiding things was just stupid.

  Deep down, I was so fucking scared. Because what if they had missed a tumor? What if it was something worse?

  What if it was a neurological disease that they hadn’t figured out yet?

  I wasn’t sure what would happen next. All I knew was that my body hated my mind, and my mind hated my body.

  I had no right to kiss Zoey. No right to take a chance when I wasn’t even sure what would happen with me going forward.

  I drifted off as Dimitri and Thea whispered to one another. I knew I was going to kiss Zoey again.

  Because I wanted to. Because I was so damn scared of what would happen if I stopped living.

  I was just so damn scared.

  Chapter 7

  Zoey

  * * *

  Day ninety-four of no plan. Perhaps not that many days, but the lack of strategy was still evident, nonetheless. I didn’t understand why this was so hard. I enjoyed planning. I liked making lists and schedules. The idea that I couldn’t do such a thing when it came to my feelings for Caleb perplexed me.

  In reality, it shouldn’t have been so difficult. There had to be some form of feelings on his side of the equation. After all, the one moment on my mind for the past few days had been that kiss.

  He’d kissed me.

  Me.

  How had that happened?

  I knew exactly how it had happened. He had leaned down, taken my lips, and probably just like every other girl he’d ever kissed before in his life, he had been all in. And I had tried to keep up. Apparently, that was my lot in life. Trying to keep up with Caleb Carr. I just didn’t know what to do. I had it in my head that I was going to make him fall for me, but now that he’d kissed me? I didn’t know if I was really making the right decision. What if I was going all in too quickly and messing things up?

  What if he fell for me just a little bit, and then I ruined it all?

  I pushed those thoughts from my mind and knew I was worrying over what could be nothing. After all, it was only a kiss. I still needed to formulate that plan.

  A scheme that might make everything worse in the end. But I would make one. Mostly because I had to. I really, really had to. I couldn’t stand by and watch my life pass me by any longer. I couldn’t be forever the bridesmaid in an ocean of weddings—no matter that the weddings were a new part of my life.

  I couldn’t merely be the florist who failed at love. Not any longer.

  I looked at myself in the mirror, tucked my light hair behind my ears, and nodded.

  I deserve love.

  “I deserve love.” I said the words aloud.

  If not love, then maybe at least liking. Because if I hid under all of my feelings and anxieties and worries for too much longer, then I wouldn’t be the Zoey that I needed to be.

  I didn’t have to repeat those words, they were my mantra. However, I did need to breathe. I had had a crush on Caleb for so long that I’d almost forgotten what it was like not to feel that way about him.

  And having those feelings inside me when I was trying to act like a normal person wasn’t healthy. So, I was going to be myself and try to show Caleb what he was missing.

  I just needed to get over the fact that there were probably going to be a lot of women in his life. A lot of them. Even though they all seemed amazing and were great friends with him still—or at least perfectly fine acquaintances—I had to get used to the fact that they would be coming out of the woodwork for the rest of my life, even if we remained only friends.

  My phone buzzed, and I looked down at it and held back a groan.

  Lacey: Where are you? You’re late.

  I frowned.

  Me: I’m not late. You said I had to be there in an hour.

  I had worked late, into the wee hours of the morning, finishing up some bouquets for a wedding, and my head hurt from lack of sleep. No amount of coffee and then later green tea kept me fully functional for the rest of the day. It hadn’t helped that I’d had a daydream and full-on dream about Caleb over and over again.

  “Why am I like this?” I muttered and grabbed my bag. I had been planning to get something to eat, but as my phone buzzed again, and I knew it was Lacey, I figured a protein bar and a diet soda was going to be my lunch.

  Perfect.

  Lacey: No, I changed it. Didn’t you look on the calendar? I made an alert.

  I crossed my eyes, took out the tablet, and looked at the planning software my sister had uploaded onto the calendar and apps. Indeed, there was an alert, but it hadn’t sent a notification because I wasn’t insane, and I didn’t allow notifications on any of my apps other than for voicemails or texts.

  Lacey wouldn’t be happy with that, though, so I wasn’t going to mention it to her.

  Me: I’m heading out soon. I’ll be there.

  Lacey: Turn on notifications. I know you’re hiding from it. But there’s so much to do. And I can’t have you be the one who’s running us behind.

  I love my sister. I love my sister. I love my sister.

  And if I kept telling myself that over and over again, I wasn’t going to freak out over everything Lacey was doing. Because, dear God, my baby sister was going to drive me crazy.

  I got in my car and drove towards my mother’s house. We were doing wedding planning there since Lacey and John’s place was in the middle of being packed up. Lacey was sorting through everything for what needed to go with them for the move, and what needed to be sold or donated. So, I knew my sister was busy with all of that, plus her day job, and the wedding planning. I did my best not to stress over it. Plus, I knew that my mother still worried about Lacey’s health these days. After all, high stress and anxiety c
ould lead to Lacey getting too tired. My sister didn’t have the energy that even I did, even though I wasn’t the most energetic person in the world. But that’s what happened when you had to pour chemical after chemical in your body when you weren’t even big enough to ride the Batman ride at a theme park.

  Lacey: Are you here yet?

  I snorted as I pulled into the driveway, shaking my head. Only my sister would ask that question considering that, no, I wasn’t actually out of the car yet and wouldn’t be texting and driving. I got out of the vehicle, and my mother opened the door before I even had a chance to knock or open it myself.

  “Zoey,” my mother said, disappointment in her tone.

  “Hi, Mother, I’m here. Early compared to the time that I was planning on.”

  I bit into my protein bar, and she narrowed her eyes. “Is that all you’re eating?”

  “Yes, I’m sorry. I didn’t see the updated time, not that I could have come anyway at that time. I was planning on eating during my little break between work and this. Sorry.”

  “I have some cucumber finger sandwiches if you’d like some. We were having tea while we waited.”

  Tea. And I hadn’t been invited. But that was fine. I wasn’t actually jealous. I had been working all day, my hands ached from the number of twists I’d had to make with the bouquets, I had a cut on my thumb that hurt like a mother, and I didn’t even really like going to teas or doing them. It was my mother and Lacey’s thing, while Mom and I had other things we liked to do. I hated the fact that I was feeling jealous at all. Because it had nothing to do with wanting to be with my mother or Lacey, it was the fact that I was here, and nobody seemed to be grateful.

  And, wow, that was an ungrateful thought. I would push it out of my mind and just work on this.

  “Thanks, I would love a finger sandwich if you have any left.”

  I leaned over and kissed my mother on the cheek. “And you look really wonderful, Mom.” I was being truthful, she looked great, she always had. She tended to tell the world that she had aged twenty years back when Lacey was sick, but I didn’t think so. I thought the determination and strength that soaked into her bones and her veins just made her even more beautiful. I didn’t mention that, though, because she didn’t like to be reminded. After all, Lacey was a constant reminder that we’d almost lost everything. And that was why I wasn’t going to freak out and get stressed out over Lacey’s demands. She was freaking out enough for both of us. I was going to get over myself and try to do better at this whole maid of honor thing.

  “Thank you, darling. You look great, too. But what happened to your poor hand?”

  She reached for my thumb, and I winced. “Thorn.”

  “Can’t one of your workers take care of the thorns for you?”

  We made our way into the house, and I could hear Lacey on the phone, her voice animated but happy. That was a good sign. “Not really. We all have to deal with certain aspects of the job. They’re closing up the shop for me today since I worked so late last night. And I scheduled it that way so I could be here. I really am sorry that I wasn’t here on time. I didn’t get the update.”

  “You’re going to turn on notifications, correct?”

  I winced. “I hate them.”

  “And now you’re whining. You’re not usually a whiner.”

  “No, I’m not, and I’ll try to do better.” I said the word try because I really wasn’t sure I wanted to turn on notifications. It was the principle of the thing.

  We made our way deeper into the house, and I almost tripped over my feet.

  Lacey was not talking on the phone. No, she had been talking about wedding plans with someone else. Namely, the best man. Caleb. In my mother’s living room. Looking very, very sexy in a Henley with his sleeves pushed up to his elbows, and jeans that showcased his very nice thighs.

  I was going to hell. A very, very lovely hell with lots of my friends most likely, but I was still going there.

  “You’re here,” Lacey said, cupping her hands in front of her. “We can really get started now.”

  Since Lacey’s back was to Caleb, she missed the widening of his eyes. I did my best not to smile at that look because the expression of fear on Caleb’s face was quite hilarious.

  “Okay, I’m here. Sorry I’m late.”

  “No bother, really.” Lacey walked around the table and picked up her tablet, as well as her large binder.

  “Now, let’s truly get started. Wedding planning it is.”

  Caleb moved over, and I took the seat next to him. I could have lied and said that it was the only seat available, but it wasn’t. I just wanted to sit near him, and a maid of honor should be sitting next to the best man, right? Of course, that wasn’t the case either. It was because I wanted to. Maybe this could be part of my plan. The one that didn’t actually exist yet.

  “Let’s make sure that Zoey gets something to eat first.”

  Lacey frowned. “Why didn’t you eat before you came? Or you should have come on time and had tea with us. Caleb had tea.”

  I looked over at Caleb and grinned. “You had tea?”

  “I like Earl Grey. Hot.”

  I snorted. “Okay, Jean-Luc.”

  “See, I always knew you were my friend for a reason. Star Trek jokes and a healthy appetite.”

  My brows rose, but then I didn’t really know what to say to that as my mother handed me a glass of iced tea and a plate of sandwiches.

  “I know you’re not a huge fan of tea all the time, so I didn’t bother heating any up. I can if you want.”

  I shook my head. “No, I had green tea earlier, but I could really use the caffeine in this. Don’t go to any more trouble. Thank you.” I set everything down on the coffee table and started munching as Lacey began.

  “Okay, troops, this is the point of progress for the day.”

  I risked a glance at Caleb. I had to look away quickly as his lips started to twitch.

  I would not laugh. But seriously, troops? Yeah, this was going to be an interesting day.

  “So, John really wanted to be here, but he’s working, though it’s fine, I’ll put everything up on the planning page for him so he knows what’s going on.”

  “Good, that means I won’t have to try and remember everything.”

  Lacey glared at Caleb for that comment before she smiled sweetly. “I hope you remember anyway. That way, you can be a springboard for any questions he has.”

  “I would assume that would be a job for you,” Caleb retorted, and I just kept eating, not wanting to be a part of this. It was quite hilarious watching someone actually stand up to Lacey during the wedding process.

  “We can all work together. That’s why we’re here, after all. And now that everybody’s here on time, we can truly begin.”

  I ignored that little swipe because, frankly, I had been on time. The time that had been listed up until two this morning.

  “Okay, so we need to go over when the fitting times will be, as well as the wedding reception, and the rehearsal.”

  “Am I supposed to be taking notes?” Caleb asked.

  Lacey’s eyes widened, and my mother opened her mouth to speak, but I shoved a piece of sandwich right into Caleb’s mouth before he could say anything else.

  “Eat that and take notes.” He glared at me and chewed. “I know this is a lot of estrogen for you, but you can get it done.”

  He swallowed hard and then kept his gaze on me as he reached over and took the tea from the table. He drank it, not even asking if he could have any of my drink.

  I did not know why that was so damn sexy. I was losing my mind.

  “Do I need paper?”

  “Use your tablet,” I ground out.

  He raised a brow and took another sip of my tea before setting the glass down and picking up his tablet. “Okay, then, let me know what I can do.”

  “You’re going to regret saying that,” I whispered, and I knew my mother had heard. Thankfully, she didn’t say anything, because La
cey had begun again.

  After my sister got through the intro, I held back a groan. Seriously, it was going to be a long two hours.

  Two and a half hours into the meeting, I really had to pee. Two glasses of iced tea on top of the coffee and green tea and diet soda I’d had earlier made for a very stressful meeting.

  “I’m so sorry, I really have to use the restroom.”

  Lacey sighed and rolled her shoulders back. “Yes, we’re probably at the halfway point right now, so it’s a good time to take a break.”

  I boggled. “Um, halfway point?” I asked.

  “We have a lot to go over today.”

  Caleb cleared his throat. “As much as I’d like to stay for the whole thing, I have some work to do. Can you put the rest on the tablet?”

  “Of course, Caleb,” Lacey said, and my mouth dropped open.

  Really? He was allowed to leave with a simple question like that? And I looked like I was committing sins for wanting to leave. My sister had truly gone and lost her mind.

  Before I could say anything—not that I would—my bladder reminded me that I really did have to go. I scrambled off to the restroom and took care of business as quickly as I could. Maybe if I was lucky, I could sneak out the back, and no one would notice.

  I washed my hands and was drying them on a towel when someone knocked on the door.

  “I’m almost done, Lacey. I promise I’m not loitering.”

  There was a rough chuckle from the other side of the door, and I quickly unlocked and opened it. “Caleb?”

  He slid into the room, nudging me out of the way as he closed the door behind him, the lock snicking into place.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” I asked, and Caleb shrugged.

  “I really wanted a break because I don’t think your sister is actually going to let me leave. I’m pretty sure she has the place surrounded with like wild dogs or something.”

  My lips twitched. “Be nice.”

  “You’re the one being way too nice. You can’t let Lacey walk all over you like that.”