Shameless With Him

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “Zoey, it’s not like that.”

  “I don’t know what it is. Because I cannot believe you did that. And what hurts the worst? I think I hate you. I hate you so much right now.” I let out a rough chuckle, but he didn’t say anything. “You know what’s even worse than that? I hate the way you make me feel. The fact that I love you, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

  And as I bared myself to him, my heart shattered into a million pieces all around us, and I walked away towards the rest of the wedding party.

  I would take the rest of the photos, even if I didn’t have a bouquet, I would be the best sister I could be, and then I’d lay in shattered remains and wonder what the hell I had been thinking.

  Because having a crush on Caleb Carr was one thing. Knowing that love could be unrequited was another.

  Having that love thrown in my face in the worst way possible?

  That wasn’t something I’d ever prepared myself for.

  Chapter 16

  Caleb

  I didn’t glower, I didn’t scowl. I didn’t fucking smile. I was such a loser. I had known the minute I texted Christy to see if she wanted to come with me to the wedding as a show of support rather than an actual date that it had been a mistake. But I hadn’t been able to think of anything else to do.

  Could I have actually talked to Zoey? Sure. But I didn’t have my head on straight, and that was fucking clear.

  So, now, I stood for the wedding photos, standing by John as the other man looked at me, knowing something was wrong, but he wasn’t going to ask.

  And I wasn’t going to fucking answer, either. Because I was not going to ruin this for my friend.

  John and Lacey deserved for this day to be fucking perfect. And that meant I needed to leave soon.

  The wedding had been beautiful, not that I’d really noticed because I’d been trying not to look at Zoey, who looked as if I had broken part of her.

  And, fuck, I had.

  She loved me. Jesus Christ.

  She couldn’t love me. I was such an idiot. I didn’t deserve anything she gave me. I deserved to go to hell, to get my ass beat, and be left for dead. I knew I would hurt her, but I hadn’t known it would be like this.

  I hadn’t known she would hate me.

  Or maybe that’s exactly what I wanted.

  Because if she hated me, I wouldn’t have to make a fucking decision. In the past, I’d always been the man who treated women like royalty, even if I never stayed, but that wasn’t me right then.

  No, not even a little bit.

  Damn it.

  “You doing okay?” one of the groomsmen asked. I nodded, smiling brightly, even though I knew it didn’t reach my fucking eyes.

  “Yeah, long day. But good wedding.”

  “So, you came here with Zoey, right?” the guy asked.

  I shook my head. “No, I didn’t.” Because I made mistakes and couldn’t fix them.

  The guy’s brows lifted. “Oh, so you’re not with her?”

  That was the question for the ages. But considering what I had done and what she’d said, I knew the answer now. And though it had been my goal, the taste of regret was bitter on my tongue.

  “No, I’m not.”

  “So, you wouldn’t mind if I asked her to dance?”

  I had my hands on the guy’s lapels before I even thought about it, and then Dimitri was on me, pulling me back.

  “Caleb. What the fuck?”

  The groomsman sputtered. “Sorry, man. He said she was single, but guess I was wrong. I meant nothing. You and Zoey, you guys are great. I’m just going to go. Sorry about that.”

  “You going to tell me what the fuck that was about?” Dimitri asked as he tugged me towards the other end of the barn. There was no one around, and we were outside so no one could hear us, but hell, I just wanted to go fucking home. My head hurt, I needed to throw up again, and I was still waiting on my damn doctor to give me the damn results.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Don’t lie to me. That’s one thing we don’t do. We don’t lie. Mom and Dad lied enough for both of us. You know that.”

  “Don’t. Don’t bring up our sad parents and their sad drinking.” That wasn’t a conversation I really needed, and hell, we were all mentally healthier now. Devin getting with Erin had forced us all to look into our pasts, so that part of us wasn’t hurting anymore.

  “I’m not going to. I don’t need to. Because I thought we had moved past that. Now, you going to tell me why you almost beat the shit out of that man because he thought Zoey wasn’t yours? I was pretty sure she was.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  Tucker and Devin came over soon after, both glowering at me.

  “What the hell is going on? Family fight?” Tucker asked, frowning.

  Dimitri snarled. “No, he almost beat the shit out of a groomsman for daring to talk about Zoey. But I don’t really see Zoey around, so why don’t you tell us what happened?”

  “Nothing happened.”

  “Caleb?”

  I closed my eyes and wished for death. Because, seriously. This was par for the course on this fucking day.

  “Christy,” I said, turning to her.

  I noticed my brothers and Tucker glare at each other, and then look directly at me. Their eyes felt like daggers digging into my back, but I ignored them.

  “Hey, sorry for leaving you like that.” I cleared my throat.

  Christy smiled but it didn’t look happy, more resigned. “Don’t be sorry. The wedding’s beautiful. But, hey, I know you said you had a girl, and I was here to help you make a decision. You were very clear about that. I’m going to go.”

  “Jesus Christ,” Dimitri grumbled.

  “I’m going to fucking kick your ass,” Devin grumbled.

  “Not if Amelia does it first,” Tucker whispered.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, ignoring them. “I’m an asshole.”

  “You are,” Christy said, raising her chin. “Not to me, though. You were clear and upfront regarding what this was about. And I only said yes because I wanted to make sure that you knew you had fallen. I came here as your friend, not to hurt anyone. But I clearly think I did. So, you are the asshole. But not to me,” she said again. “You better fix this, Caleb. Fix it quick, or you’re going to lose the best thing you ever had.”

  And then she walked off, and I just shook my head. Hell, Christy was right, but I couldn’t fix this. I didn’t even know if there was anything to fix at this point.

  “Okay, you’re going to tell me what happened right now, or I’m going to fucking kick your ass,” Dimitri said, his muscles bulging beneath his jacket.

  “And be quick about it,” Devin mumbled.

  “I’m fine,” I lied.

  “You may be fine, but Zoey clearly isn’t,” Tucker said, practically spitting the words.

  “I knew something was off during the wedding, but I didn’t think you had actually brought a fucking date to Zoey’s sister’s wedding,” Dimitri snapped. “I thought I raised you better than that.”

  I flipped him off. “You didn’t raise me.”

  “Okay, that’s enough,” Devin said, sliding between us. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to lash out because you’re hurting. Is it because of the doctor? That can’t be it.”

  I looked away, shame crawling over my skin.

  “You still didn’t fucking tell her,” Devin said. “Are you serious?”

  “I don’t know what to say. You know the doctor didn’t have anything to say, he didn’t even show up. Just the nurse saying they were still waiting on more test results, and they would probably give me more details later. But they all sounded worried. You were there.”

  Devin nodded. “Yeah, I was there. They were worried because they didn’t have answers, not because they thought that you were going to die.”

  I flinched, taking a step back. “Don’t say things like that.”

  “Why? It’s clearly running thro
ugh your head. That’s why you’re being a dick to me and to everyone else. That’s why you pretty much broke Zoey’s heart. And don’t lie and say you didn’t. I know you did.”

  “I don’t have anything to say,” I said, taking a step back. My vision started to double, and bile filled my throat. My head pulsated, and I bent over, throwing up.

  “Oh, fuck,” Tucker said, and everyone started to move at once.

  My body shook, and I dropped to my knees, my head pounding.

  It hadn’t come on this fast before. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t focus.

  The last thought I had was about Zoey, and I hated that I was going to ruin her sister’s wedding. Just like I ruined everything else.

  * * *

  I woke up soon after, but they still called an ambulance for me.

  Thankfully, though, we hadn’t disrupted the wedding since my brothers had been smart and called for the ambulance a little down the road. They’d dragged me that way since I hadn’t been able to walk. Nobody from the wedding really knew what had happened. They were still partying and carrying on, at least that’s what Dimitri said as he texted his wife.

  I was grateful for that because I’d already ruined the day for Zoey, I didn’t want to do it for everybody else.

  We ended up in the emergency room, and they hooked me up to an IV for fluids, even though I really just wanted to go home. They took tests, and I waited. And kept waiting. All I wanted to do was throw up again.

  “When’s the last time you ate?” one of the nurses asked.

  I frowned. “I don’t know, yesterday or something? My head’s been hurting.”

  “You’re dehydrated, and your blood sugar’s really low. I know it sucks to eat when you have a migraine, but you need to take care of yourself. Don’t worry, we’ll get you some fluids and some nutrients. The doctor will be here soon to talk to you about everything. We’ll get you settled.”

  She checked all of my vitals and then walked out, leaving me alone in my little ER room with my brothers and sister. Tucker paced outside in the waiting room, apparently having wanted to allow the Carrs privacy. Thea and Erin were also in the waiting room, Thea with her feet up since the pregnancy made her feet swell.

  Apparently, one of the bridesmaids, Marni, John’s sister, was also here in the hospital, only she was in the maternity ward.

  It was a big day for hospital visits.

  Hell.

  “Why didn’t you eat?” Dimitri asked, not looking at me as he spoke.

  “I felt like crap. I didn’t mean to forget.”

  “You need to take better care of yourself,” Amelia said, her hands folded over her stomach.

  Devin wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. “We all need to make sure we watch out for each other. This doesn’t get to happen again.”

  “Well, what if it does? What if it’s a neurological disease or a tumor they couldn’t find in the first tests? We’ve been waiting how long? And I still don’t have any answers.”

  “Then we’ll do this together.”

  I looked at my sister as she spoke and sighed. “I’ve been doing just fine on my own,” I mumbled.

  “That’s bullshit,” Dimitri said. I turned my gaze towards him. “Complete bullshit. You came to us, you asked for help, and now you’re pushing us away? I get that you’re hurting, and you fucked up with Zoey, but you’re going to have to find a way to make this right. We’re going to find out whatever the fuck is wrong with you and make it better. Because Carrs don’t back down. And you don’t get to be sick anymore.”

  If I didn’t feel like shit, I would have smiled just then. Dimitri would find a way to fix everything, even if some things weren’t fixable. I leaned back against the pillow and let them mumble to each other as I tried to focus.

  Making sure things didn’t get serious with Zoey had been a mistake.

  I had known that even as I was doing it, but I couldn’t go back now. And I didn’t deserve her forgiveness if I ever got a chance to say that I was sorry. I would just have to live with my regrets, even if I didn’t know what was going to come next.

  “Mr. Carr?” an unfamiliar voice said, and I opened my eyes to see a doctor in a white coat, a frown on his face.

  “That’s me,” I said, my voice growly.

  “We’re his family,” Dimitri said, ever the eldest brother.

  “Well, I have a few things to go over with you if you don’t mind. Do you want them out?”

  I shook my head and then winced.

  “I wouldn’t shake your head with a migraine. You know that. So, I have your permission to go over some results with you in front of your family?”

  “Yes. They get to know everything.”

  “Okay, then.” The doctor took a seat next to me, and I looked into his grey eyes, took in his greying hair, and I felt more at peace than I ever had with the other asshole I’d been talking with.

  “First up, Dr. Johnson is no longer at this hospital. We’ve removed all his privileges. From now on, I will be working with your case.”

  I sat up quickly and then almost threw up.

  “Stop moving so fast,” the doctor said. “I’m Dr. Martinez. I will be helping you out.”

  “What the fuck do you mean about Dr. Johnson?” Dimitri said. And then he whispered, “Sorry about the cursing.”

  “No problem. You’re probably going to be cursing a little bit more soon. Dr. Johnson no longer has privileges here, like I said. He hasn’t been able to determine what tests to order, and now that we’ve been going over things with him, I wasn’t happy with his work. So, I’m taking over, and we’re going to get you fixed.”

  I sat there, blinking, a cold sweat sliding over me.

  “You let him work with people for a year, and he’s been wrong?” I asked, flabbergasted.

  “No,” Dr. Martinez said, a little growl in his tone. I didn’t think it was about me, more about the fact that Dr. Johnson had fucked up. “I can’t go into much of it. Suffice it to say, he didn’t do a poor job with everyone. But he did miss a few things and failed to order some of the correct testing for others.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying I looked over the tests he gave you, and I can give you a diagnosis.”

  I swallowed hard, my body shaking. A real diagnosis. My God.

  Dr. Martinez continued. “You have severe cluster headaches and migraines that could possibly cause hallucinations. You’ve only had the one, according to your chart. That could have been due to the environment, we won’t rule anything out as of yet. We’re going to monitor you, but you’re going to be fine. It’s not a tumor, it’s not a neurological disease. Dr. Johnson should’ve been able to tell this from the tests he ordered, but perhaps he hadn’t seen this exact illness before. I’m not sure. But I’m here to help you. You will be fine. I’m going to be with you for the entire process. My team is great, and we’re going to call in some specialists, too, just to double-check that we’re on the right path. You’ll likely want a second opinion, and we’re going to figure things out. Medicine is a science, but it also takes a lot of knowledge to work out the problem and put all the pieces together. So, we’re going to get you on some migraine medication, both preventative and something for acute relief. And then we’re going to figure out a long-term treatment plan for you. You are going to have a healthy and fulfilling life, and we’re going to help make that happen.”

  I sat there and listened as the doctor talked with my brother and sister about doctors, and treatments, and whatever else was going on. I didn’t care. I just wanted that old doctor out of my life. I didn’t really care what happened with the hospital.

  Because, hell, I wasn’t going to die. It wasn’t a tumor or something that would take my faculties or anything. I had seriously been scared that this was the end. That I wouldn’t be able to control things anymore, that this was it.

  I had fucked everything up with Zoey because I hadn’t had the right test result
s, and I was scared. And I had been too chickenshit to do anything about my fears.

  The doctor went over a few things about my treatments and set up a whole battery of new tests and appointments so we could start on a fresh page.

  I had meds waiting for me. I still couldn’t quite believe it was this easy.

  All I’d needed was a doctor who cared, one who could actually read a test result. It was no wonder I had always hated the healthcare system.

  Because it had fucked me over, and then I had fucked myself over again.

  Afterward, my family left me alone, mostly because I was like a bear with a thorn in my paw. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

  Because I didn’t know how to fix this. Not myself, but things with Zoey.

  I didn’t think there was any fixing it.

  Apparently, it was like I had called to her.

  I heard a rustling in the doorway, and I looked up. Zoey stood there, her blond hair flowing around her shoulders, her champagne-colored dress fitting her curves in a way that made me want to hold her.

  She was stunning, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

  And I had broken her heart.

  As she looked at me, worry in her gaze, I didn’t know how I was going to get her back.

  Because I knew that, no matter what, I didn’t deserve her.

  I never had, and I didn’t think I ever would.

  Chapter 17

  Zoey

  I stood in the doorway, my whole body shaking, and I hoped I looked like I was sane, that I had the strength I needed. Because I certainly didn’t feel like I did.

  Caleb lay there in a hospital bed, machines hooked to him, an IV in his arm. He looked so different. Scared? Worried? Exhausted? I had seen some of the signs before. But when I’d asked…he’d lied to me.

  Lied.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I hadn’t meant those words to be the first thing out of my mouth, but I couldn’t help it. I should have asked how he was, what the plan was. But, no, he’d hurt me, and I needed to know why. The fact that Amelia had already filled me in on the other details just made my pain more real.