Shameless With Him

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “You fucking hurt her, you’re going to have to deal with us.”

  “I thought you were my brother, not hers.”

  “I am your brother, and that’s why I’ll kick your ass once you’re healthier. Because I love you, you dumb shit. Don’t do anything stupid.”

  I pulled up my phone and looked down at it, knowing I was going to be even dumber in a moment. I could tell her, but I didn’t want her to worry. I didn’t want her to look at me like I was different. I had known deep down that she had always had a little thing for me, even if it was a little crush. If she looked at me differently, I wouldn’t be able to stand it. Because I didn’t want to be different. I wanted to be fine. But I wasn’t going to be okay if I didn’t find the answers. And that meant I needed some space from Zoey. Even if it was the worst possible time. And to do that, I needed to make sure that she had an easy way out.

  I knew exactly what I needed to do to make sure she got her space.

  Me: Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?

  Christy: I was planning on cleaning my house. Why? You have something better in mind?

  Me: What do you say about going with me to a wedding?

  As I waited for her answer, my stomach roiled, and I wanted to throw up again. But this time, it had nothing to do with the migraine.

  Chapter 15

  Zoey

  “Before I do this wedding thing, I have a couple of things to say to you,” Lacey said, and I froze, my back going ramrod straight.

  I really was a little afraid of exactly what Lacey was going to say. My entire life had been centered around Lacey and this wedding for the past couple of months. And the fact that I kept saying the mantra of I love my baby sister over and over in my head just to remind myself of that fact spoke volumes.

  Lacey wore a beautiful white lace and silk robe, her hair already done in long, blond curls, the extensions she had put in last month perfect for the half-Elsa braid that she wanted.

  She looked gorgeous, like a perfect bride, and while I wasn’t jealous, I was a little worried about what was going to happen next. Not that I thought John was going to leave her at the altar or anything, mostly because Lacey had become more and more intolerable over the past couple of days, and I was exhausted.

  I really didn’t want to deal with any last-minute scary issues when it came to this wedding.

  “Okay?”

  Lacey winced and reached out, gripping my hands with hers, her nails perfectly manicured. I had a similar manicure done, but I had already messed up one nail, and my hands were full of cuts, and a little set of scars and gouges.

  However, the flowers for this wedding looked phenomenal.

  If I did say so myself.

  “The fact that you just looked at me with apprehension tells me I truly have been the world’s worst bride.”

  I shook my head. “No, you haven’t. I’m sorry if I made you feel that way.”

  “No, you don’t apologize to me. I know I leaned on you a lot for this wedding. I know it’s been hard, and I’ve been a beast. I love you, and I wanted to thank you for being amazing throughout this whole experience. I know you didn’t really sign up for this, and I kind of threw you to the wolves. The wolves being me. And possibly Mom.”

  We both smiled, but thankfully, Mom wasn’t in the room to hear the comment.

  “Lacey—” I began.

  My sister held up her hand, her teeth worrying her lip for a moment before she seemed to realize that her makeup was already done and stopped. “No, let me finish, I promise I’ll be quick. I love you so much. I wanted this day to be perfect, and I know I was overbearing. I know I made it all about me, and John, but mostly about me.”

  I didn’t refute that comment, but it was a bride’s prerogative, and I didn’t blame her for that. Plus, I knew John didn’t mind at all.

  “Throughout it all, you were always there for me, but I feel like I was cruel to you. I forced you to work on my timetable and do far more than any other maid of honor would do. I should’ve hired an actual wedding planner, that way, you could focus on just the flowers and being my sister. And maybe on a potential amazing romance with a certain best man.” She winked, and my face flamed.

  “Lacey.”

  “What? I was rude to you. I was a bitch. Let’s be honest.”

  “Well…” I trailed off, and she rolled her eyes.

  “I really was a horrible person. It’s because I suck at this whole communication thing and getting things in the right order. I had my reasons, and you know them. But those reasons don’t negate the fact that I was cruel. I never want to be that person again. I know we’re only a couple of hours or less away from the wedding ceremony, from walking down that aisle and seeing John and I don’t want to have those bad feelings on my mind because of the way I treated you.”

  “Today is supposed to be about you. Always.”

  “Perhaps, and you’re right, but I still didn’t need to be mean to you. And I didn’t need to be callous when it came to your relationship with Caleb. Or the fact that I didn’t even allow you to talk about it with me at all. I know you have your girlfriends, and I know you’ve probably talked with them, considering Caleb’s part of that group, as well. Only I haven’t even said a damn thing about the two of you, other than the one time where I was a harpy. I’m so happy for you. I know he is that shining star for you. He’s your John. I’ve always known.”

  I blushed, ducking my head. “Lacey, we’re still new.”

  And I love him. But I wasn’t going to say that out loud.

  “You’ve had a crush on him since we were little.”

  My head shot up. “You’re not supposed to mention that.”

  “And I’ll never tell him. I swear. But the fact that you guys are together? It’s like fate.”

  “We haven’t talked about it yet. We’re not there.” I tried to reiterate it, even as my heart sped up, and I warmed inside at the thought of him.

  “I just wanted to make sure that you know that I’m so happy for you. And, yes, today is all about me and John and our romance, but I’m glad that there’ll be another romance there. Because I want to watch you and Caleb dance tonight, for your first dance at a wedding.”

  “We’re seriously not on that path. I don’t know what path we’re on, but we’re taking things slow.”

  “John and I took things slow, and it worked out. Just know that I’m so happy for you. And Caleb is a great guy. And I can’t wait to see what happens.”

  “I love you, Lacey. Even if you’re really unbearable.” I mumbled the last part, and she laughed. I held her close and blinked back tears.

  “I can’t cry,” she said. “Even though I have the best makeup on, that is supposed to be able to withstand hurricane tears, I don’t want to chance it.”

  “Same.” I closed my eyes and hugged her tightly. She was so strong, even with her slightly frail body. There was power within those bones, even if they tried to take her from me long ago. Strength within that soul. And she might have lost her way a bit, but we were allowed to do that sometimes. And I didn’t mind. Because she was my baby sister. And she was getting married.

  I did my best to push thoughts of Caleb from my mind, only because tonight wasn’t about us. I didn’t want to put too much into it, to rely on what we could be too heavily.

  Because even though we were together, even though I knew there was something there, he was very good at putting distance between us. So, I wasn’t going to let myself be hurt. I was going to let myself love him, but I was also going to let time pass. Because that’s what we needed. Time. To just be with each other.

  “Okay, girls, it’s time to get dressed,” my mother announced as she walked into the room, and I smiled.

  “Wedding time!” I said, and Lacey did a little booty shake before we all went to the staging area.

  We helped Lacey into her dress, and we wiped at tears, grateful that our makeup was the way it was, and the makeup artist was there to help with any streaks th
at might have dared roll down our faces.

  I quickly put on my dress, grateful for the champagne gold that made me feel like a princess. We would match the romance of fall ambiance perfectly. I loved my dress and would possibly wear it again if I ever had a gala or something to go to. Maybe Caleb would have one, and he would take me.

  I grinned, sliding my hands down my soft dress, imagining Caleb.

  I really needed to stop.

  We hadn’t even discussed our feelings, we’d been really good about focusing on everyone else and living in the moment, and I needed to be better at that.

  “Um, Zoey?” Marni, John’s very pregnant sister, said from my side.

  I looked over at her as she rubbed her back, and my eyes widened.

  “Please tell me you just have a backache.”

  “How much longer until the wedding?” she asked, her voice a little breathy.

  “Soon. Are you in labor?” I whispered fiercely, making my voice so low, I hoped no one could hear.

  “Possibly. My water hasn’t broken yet, and this isn’t my first go-around. I should be fine during the ceremony itself, but if we can make it quick, that would be amazing.”

  “Sounds perfect,” I bit out, trying to be quiet. “Everything is fine.”

  “Everything is fine,” she repeated.

  We looked at each other, and I really hoped to hell everything was going to be fine.

  “What’s wrong?” my mother asked, looking between us.

  “Um, nothing?” I lied.

  “You’re in labor, aren’t you,” my mother said, and I winced.

  “I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t mean to.” Marni blushed.

  “They are babies, you can’t control when they show up. Are you okay?”

  “I’ll be fine for a little bit. It just started, but I know what labor feels like.”

  “What’s wrong?” Lacey asked, coming up between us, her eyes wide, looking gorgeous in her long, white dress with lace and a princess train.

  “Nothing,” all three of us said at the same time.

  “Oh my God, you’re in labor,” Lacey said, her hands shaking. “Okay. This is fine. Do we need to take you to the hospital? I can drive you right now.”

  I blinked at her, then looked at Marni, who looked just as confused.

  “Lacey, it’s your wedding. You can’t drive her.” I tried to be patient, but she just glared.

  “The hell I can’t. That’s my niece or nephew in there, and if they need me to drive them to the hospital right now, I will. Screw my wedding.”

  “My God, hell’s frozen over,” I said, and my mother elbowed me in the side.

  Marni smiled, however, looking strong and beautiful. “I’m really okay, Lacey. We’re just going to make it through the ceremony, and then I’m going to head over to the hospital.”

  Lacey looked down at my mother’s diamond watch and nodded tightly. “Okay, then. We’re going to make this quick. Come on, let’s go marry the love of my life so we can go get a baby.”

  She picked up her dress and started stomping towards the door, and I just couldn’t hold back my laughter any longer.

  “Who are you?” I asked.

  She looked over her shoulder and winked. “Not a bitch. That’s not who I am anymore. But, seriously, let’s get this thing done. I want my husband, and that baby isn’t going to wait long for us.”

  I laughed and followed her and ran smack into Caleb as I walked out the door. “Hey, did you hear?” I said, running my hands down his very sexy suit. He had on a gold pocket square that matched my dress, and I just wanted to fix it for him and keep running my hands down him.

  He looked at me then, his eyes serious, a frown on his face. “I did, she okay?”

  “She’s going to be fine. But we may have to be a little quick with the vows.” I winked as I said it and tried to search his face for something. But I saw nothing. He was so closed-off. It worried me.

  “What’s wrong, Caleb?”

  “Nothing. But I just wanted to let you know that I might not be staying that long after the ceremony and first part of the reception when I’m needed. My date Christy and I have plans.”

  I froze, blinking. I had clearly heard wrong. “What?”

  Ice slid over me, and I felt like I was watching from the outside. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t take it. A date? He had a date?

  “Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Just friends. We’re not romantic or anything. I wouldn’t do that to you. But I figured, you know, since wedding dates and all were a step that we weren’t ready to take, I made sure that I brought a friend. She’s never really been to a wedding before. You know?”

  He was rambling, and he didn’t make any sense.

  A date. He had brought a date. To my sister’s wedding. The same wedding I was going to have to touch him and hold his arm as we walked up the aisle together towards photos and dinner and everything that came with a wedding.

  I couldn’t actually believe what he was saying.

  When had things changed? I had let him inside me the day before, holding him as we made love. But, apparently, that had only been on my end. It had been sex for him. A quick fuck in the morning and then a see you later.

  I knew that we had said we would just be friends who casually saw each other and saw where things went. But bringing a date to the wedding without even consulting me?

  I had no words. Literally no words.

  I just looked at him, my eyes dry—thankfully—and shook my head. “I need to go see my sister. You need to go get in position for the wedding.” I knew my voice sounded wooden, but I didn’t really have anything else to say.

  He had brought a date, and I loved him.

  I loved him, and I felt like I was breaking inside.

  My mother gave me a sharp look as I smiled too brightly and blinked away any tears that might come.

  “What’s wrong?” she whispered.

  “Nothing. Just really excited about the wedding and the baby coming. All big things all at once.”

  And my broken heart lay shattered between us, its shards icy as it stabbed into my feet when I took the few steps towards the wedding party.

  “Baby, what’s wrong?”

  I shook my head. “Nothing. Nothing can be wrong right now. This day is for Lacey. We’ll talk later.”

  “Okay. I love you.”

  Tears stung my eyes, and I nodded. “I know. I love you, too.”

  “Okay, are you ready?” Lacey asked, and I nodded, averting my gaze so she wouldn’t see the pain in my eyes.

  I didn’t want anyone to see. And yet I was going to be on display, a spectacle, I was going to have to show the world that I was fine, even though I was nothing of the sort. I was broken, dying, and there was nothing left for me.

  The wedding began, and the very pregnant sister began her walk, breathing very quietly, even though I knew she had to be in pain. Her husband met her at the end, kissed her, and then her belly, to the cheers and sighs of nearly everyone in the room, and then went with her to sit at the bride’s side, rather than standing. And then John’s other two sisters went, and I followed, walking alone down my path towards the altar, keeping my gaze from my family. And Caleb.

  I didn’t look at him, I couldn’t.

  I just stood there, wondering what I was going to do.

  Wondering what was left.

  There was nothing left. There could be nothing left.

  The wedding continued, and I didn’t pay attention to any of it. I held my sister’s bouquet when she handed it to me, and then I gave it back when that time came. I looked down at the flowers I had painstakingly worked on for hours, and I felt nothing. No joy, no pain. Nothing.

  And then they announced Lacey and John as husband and wife, and John dipped my sister in the most romantic kiss I’d ever seen, one that sent tears to my eyes, and I was grateful that others were crying.

  They would think that I was crying for the happiness of it all, not for the jagged remnants o
f who I once was.

  And then the happy couple walked down the aisle, and Caleb took a few steps towards me, his hand out.

  “Are you ready?”

  I looked at him, the love of my life, the crush I’d had since I was little, and I smiled brightly, knowing I was showing teeth. “Of course,” I said, my voice hoarse.

  I slid my hand into his, and we walked calmly down the aisle. I ignored him. I ignored everyone.

  As soon as we were around the corner where no one could see, I let go, and I kept walking, needing to breathe.

  Photos would have to wait. I couldn’t focus, I had to suck in a breath.

  Was this a panic attack?

  I didn’t know. My chest hurt, and I tried to breathe, but I couldn’t draw in air.

  “Zoey.”

  I turned on Caleb, thankful that we were alone on this side of the barn.

  But people could come by at any minute, and I couldn’t focus.

  “You need to go.”

  “Let’s talk about this.”

  “No, you don’t get to do this. This is my sister’s wedding. And you’re ruining this for her.”

  You’re ruining everything for me.

  He took a step forward, and I slammed my bouquet into him, one hit after another, slam after slam, flowers and petals falling to the ground.

  My hours of work were nothing as I looked down at what was my hope, my dreams, the way that I took care of myself, and it was nothing.

  “She’s just a friend. It’s not what you think. I didn’t want the two of us, you and me, to make a mistake, you know?”

  I could hear the lies in his tone, and I didn’t really care. I didn’t know what the truth was anymore. I looked at him then, the tears falling freely down my face. I hated the fact that he’d made me cry.

  “You know, you were allowed to break it off. You were allowed to call it casual. But you were never allowed to be mean. That’s not you, Caleb. You were never mean.”

  He looked at me then and didn’t say anything. Instead, he rubbed his temple and looked like he was hurting. I wanted to feel like it was okay that he was hurting. Because I was hurting.