by Renee Travis
"Your heart rate is too fast, and I heard it skip a couple of times in the hallway, anything wrong? You look agitated," he said, worry creasing his forehead.
"Oh you know, mom, she gets me so upset sometimes," I explained away carefully trying to conceal my expression and make my mind as blank as possible.
"Ah, well, do you ummm," he stuttered a bit which I found adorable, "need to change for bed?"
"Well yeah, but just close your eyes ok?" I asked, my cheeks flaming. He did and I shimmied from my skirt and bra and slipped into bed under the covers.
He opened his eyes and we cuddled together, my face resting in the crook of his neck, his whole body curled around me. I was under the covers he was on top. His hands roamed up and down my back, taking great care to be modest touches.
"You can...touch me more than that if you'd like." I whispered into the silence.
"No Rhodanthe I can't, not just yet, soon though, soon." There was a dark tone in his voice that I didn't want to ask about, but his words: soon though, soon, sent a shiver down my spine and other parts.
Chapter 11
November ended with Julian and I having a beautiful, yet secret, relationship. I almost felt like my parents' IQs dropped within one month. I started to eat and sleep again and when Julian was around or I'd just gotten done seeing him I even felt healthier.
Occasionally I felt as if my father might have known something was going on, but if he did he never asked me about it and never said anything to mom, for which I was grateful. It wasn't easy keeping our secret but Avalon and Mel helped us quite a bit.
However even with all the happiness there were two constant downers in my present and future. I hadn't shared them with anyone. They were just dark thoughts that littered my brain before sleep and in Math class.
The first was my heart. While Julian was around I was almost normal and my heart played along feeling strong and happy. But when he wasn't I took twice as much medication as usual, I was always tired and my heart could almost be seen pounding through my chest. This worried me, I could sense it was a sign that I was getting worse, but I didn't want anyone to worry. I'd made my peace with death years before, but I didn't think anyone else had.
The second was Athol; I received a letter from him almost every week like clockwork, all cryptic and one sentence. Things like: I think of you when it gets cold, see you soon. Or: I don't like it when you kiss him so stop. Just creepy, crazy stalker notes. It was sad that my friend had flipped his lid. It made me want to hate his family, I was sure they'd pushed him into the family vampire slayer business and it had warped him. Sometimes when I was out, grocery shopping with my mom, skipping school with Mel, Avalon or Julian I felt as if I were being watched and I knew it was Athol.
As December came in so did the cold. I enjoyed it, cold had always agreed with me and I loved to bundle up, watch frost appear on the windows and our town getting ready for Christmas. Ah Christmas, it was my favorite time of the year. I used to wish it snowed in December, that is until my family made a trip to Utah and I realized that snow was a giant pain in the ass. From then on I was content with frost and rain, chill and icy breezes.
One of my favorite things to do was get ready for Christmas and by the first of December I was always done with my shopping and starting to wrap. Saturday night I sat by our fire place waiting for Avalon to come and help me wrap Christmas presents. Usually this was Mel and mine's tradition but this year she was going to wrap with Killian. I was okay with it. I figured she needed to get used to not having me around, I felt like my time was coming to an end anyway. It may have seemed depressing but as the winter darkened the days so it seemed everything else was getting shorter and darker too.
Avalon showed up wrapped in a silver ermine coat. She hung it up and sat by me. Mom came and gave us hot chocolate. Avalon took a sip and then gasped," Eeew, no offense Rho but your mom makes terrible hot cocoa."
"That's because it's made with carob and not real chocolate," I laughed, not even tasting mine and setting it next to us on the little ledge that stuck out from the fireplace.
"Not real chocolate? Then what's the point?" Avalon followed my lead putting her cup down. Avalon was so interesting to spend time with. Since they drank nothing but animal blood, Avalon and Julian could consume other liquids and Avalon was a huge fan of anything she could suck through a straw. Loretta and Julian only did so when trying to appear mortal.
"It's my mom. C'mon we'll go to my room before she tries to foist smoyes on us." We stood, both leaving our mugs near the fireplace.
"Smoyes?" Avalon asked as we climbed the stairs. Thankfully I used the answer as an excuse to pause; it was getting harder for me to climb the stairs.
"Yes soy smores," I rolled my eyes and tried not to chuckle at her gagging noises. She's had her first taste of soy milk at our house and hated it.
I had already wrapped her present so without any hassle I pulled out the box of gifts from under my bed along with Christmas bags, wrapping paper, bows and tape. We sat on the floor and I began sort through what I had to color coordinate with.
"So... did you get me anything?" Avalon asked, her eyes glowing with small excitement.
"Of course," I told her.
"Oh," her eyes filled with blood tears, "that's so sweet Rho; we don't really celebrate Christmas at our house. We all come from too many different religious backgrounds, but I have always thought it was a nice thought, the giving of gifts."
"Don't most winter holidays exchange gifts?" I asked.
"Well I was pagan and at Yule we'd make wreaths and have a great feast, we didn't always have presents. Will you show me what you bought?" she asked, sounding more childlike than ever.
"Sure." She watched with glowing eyes as I opened the box and the little trinkets I had bought everyone gleamed up at us, all different shapes and sizes.
Avalon held up the pale yellow cashmere sweater I bought Mel, "Ah your friend will really like this, it's so her!"
I showed her the pipe humidor for dad, the golden covered copy of The Road to Oz for Grandma Lacey, she was collecting the books, and the flashy orange and purple throw for mom. Avalon paused at that one and gave a very queer look.
"Your mom won't put this in your sterile house."
"I know; it's a running joke. When we lived in our old house it was covered in the tacky and unusual. Everything changed when I got sick." I stood and took Avalon up with me, wincing as my heart thudded. Avalon gave me a serious stare but before she could comment I'd pulled her from my room. We quietly made our way to my parent's room; I opened the door and flicked on the light.
Avalon gasped as the light revealed my missing mom, the mom I loved and missed terribly. The room was a collection of odd trinkets, mismatched pillows, bright throws and antique furniture.
"Wow, your mother must have been a very unique person." Avalon said as I turned back off the light and we shut the door.
"She used to be," I shrugged as we went back to my room, what I hadn't shown her was the other gift I was giving my parents. It was hidden in the back of my closet a box wrapped in black lace. In it were diaries of mine that I'd filled with all my hopes and dreams, all my angst, worry and anger from the last ten years. I wanted them to have something else of me before I died and I'd had a dark feeling of late that I'd be gone soon.
"Anyway I need your opinion on some things." Sitting back on the floor of my room I wanted to show her the last few gifts I'd bought.
"On what? I should be able to give my opinion, at least," the girl teased. I could tell she was having a good time hanging out with me and it made me feel a little better. I'd been thinking I hadn't been good company of late.
"The gifts I bought for your moms," I told her.
"Why would you buy them gifts?" Avalon asked, but I could tell she was touched I'd thought of her whole family. "How did you afford all this anyway?"
"I get paid for helping dad grade papers, I save up all year.” I paused, “why wouldn't I buy them s
omething, they are always so kind to me."
"Well, Loretta at least," Avalon winked.
"Antoinette will warm up eventually." I just had to find something to change her mind about wanting to get to know me.
I pulled out two silver hair combs with magnolias on them and Avalon squealed, "Loretta will love those!" Grabbing them she began to examine the silver.
"Here's Antoinette's." I was worried most about this gift, having only met the woman three or four times. But no one had ever complained; I always was a good gift giver.
Avalon set down the hair combs and took the little box from me. It was a small bronze music box; she opened it and smiled at the pretty tune it played and the very French looking couple dancing in it.
"Oh yes Rho, she'll like it very much. I can tell you've put a lot of thought into everything." Avalon handed it back, "Now what did you get Julian?"
"I really think he'll hate it," I could feel myself pale. I'd bought Julian's gift on impulse and was now starting to regret it. I took it out and displayed it for her, it was a shinning silver men's ring with a vine pattern and on the inside were the engraved words: for my dark prince, love your rose.
"You silly mortal! Of course he'll love it!" Avalon laughed. We started to wrap, with Avalon's vampire speed we were finished in no time. The only thing that slowed us down was us talking, about school and the people we knew. Finally the presents were just a pile of decorative boxes in red, green, silver and gold.
I looked up at the clock and saw it was almost nine, "Wow, Julian will be here soon."
"Then I'd better get going so you guys can have your bedtime alone time." She gave me a knowing glance, but there was softness in her expression.
The thought of Julian coming and holding me until I slept and the occasional make out sessions we'd been having of late made my heart speed up a little.
"Whoa girl!" Avalon leaned forward and brushed a kiss on my cheek.
The coolness of her breath and the scent of copper and honey suckles calmed me down, almost as well as Julian's. Even so I knew I was paler most days and my skin felt thin, my breathing was even harder to control, especially for a sitting down situation.
I decided to go with Avalon downstairs and escort her out as I would any of my living friends, she tried to assure me it wasn't necessary but I didn't mind, it was a nice familiar routine.
At the door my mom was taking off her coat, she pulled out the mail from her pocket and handed me a small bundle. There were a couple of early Christmas cards and some credit card applications since my 18 birthday was coming up. But the envelope that stood out had Athol's hand writing on it, my weekly letter from him.
Since Avalon was preoccupied with getting her things and talking to my mom I opened the letter.
I felt my heart stutter as I read his words: Christmas break started on Tuesday, I'm coming for you. The note slipped from my fingers and it was like slow motion.
Athol's vacation had started already? That meant he was less supervised than normal. He could have been outside waiting for me, or watching me whenever I left the house. Fear crept into my mind like poison. He was coming for me? What did that mean, and what would he do once he got me?
I watched Avalon with her supernatural speed pick the note up, read it and then run out the door. It seemed to all happen before I could even blink.
"My that girl sure can run, what was she so upset about?" I heard my mother ask.
Blood was beginning to rush in my ears and my breath was coming in gasps. My sight was darkening around the edges and I just stood there, shock filling my system.
"Rhodanthe?" I felt Mom's hands on my shoulders shaking me and then her voice pushed past the rushing in my ears as she screamed my dad's name.
I tried not to panic as the pain began to fill my chest and my vision faded even more. It seemed to take forever, but later my mom would tell me it all happened in seconds.
I could hear sirens in the distance and smell pipe tobacco as dad lifted me in his arms and took me outside to meet them.
Don't you die on me, I'm almost to you. I heard Julian's voice in my head; it was so loud I flinched.
"It's okay sweetheart hold on," tears clouded my eyes as I heard the distress in dad's voice.
I tried to talk but found all I could do was mouth words. Barely aware of what was going on around me I allowed mom to shove a pill in my mouth, I choked and she stroked my throat making me swallow. I was laid on a stretcher, hoisted in the air, and put in an ambulance. I hadn't been in one for years; they'd seemed bigger back then.
Julian's mind linked to mine, keeping me with him as they took me to the hospital, refusing to let me drift away from the pain like I so wanted to. I could tell he was following close behind, but everything on me ached, the deep pain in my chest was only getting worse as the medics worked on me. There was an oxygen mask over my face and an IV in my arm. I was dying and I knew it, my only thought over and over was: Julian won't let me die, Julian won't let me die.
Chapter 12
"Four weeks"
I heard the words, sitting attached to machines with two different IVs in my arm in a clean pristine hospital room. I was pissed, did the doctor think I wouldn't hear them if they left the door open but stood in the hall? Did my parents think I was too young and fragile to know my own expiration date?
I could hear my mom sobbing and my father's quiet voice making sure they'd done everything they could think of, every test, and every medication, to try and save me.
Sitting back against my pillows I repeated the doctor's words, "four weeks." I whispered to myself, "four weeks." It didn't seem real, but I knew it was. Hadn't I known I'd been feeling worse when Julian wasn't with me, had been feeling weaker?
I was going to be dead by Christmas, it was a cold hard fact. I felt my face, my eyes, they were dry and I wondered why I wasn't crying. But I hadn't cried about my sickness in a long time. I'd cried all my tears away years ago, now my mom cried for me. I'd always known I was living on borrowed time, as clichéd as that sounded. I probably should have died at Halloween, maybe two or three times before that.
As I sat deep in thought mom and dad came in. My father took my hand and I stopped him before he could speak.
"Not deaf, you left the door open, I heard." My sentence was a little broken. I had oxygen in my nose and it made it difficult for me to talk, the air was cold, harsh and smelled of plastic when I took in a breath through my nose.
Mom sat on the bed next to me, "don't you worry about it honey. We'll find something to help you even if we have to go internationally-"
I cut her off, terrified at the thought of travelling overseas or more doctors poking and prodding me. I glanced at my dad to make sure he understood the interruption, I could see he did. I took off the oxygen.
"No mom, I just want to go home. No doctors, no trying to find a miracle cure. I just want to spend my last four weeks, as cliché as it sounds, having fun."
Mom tried to hook me back up to the good air but I turned my face so she couldn't, she gave up after a few seconds, "But honey, what about a heart transplant?"
"You know what her doctor said Bethy, she's too far down on the list for that, she's been on it for years." Dad put a hand on mom's shoulder and gave me a strange look.
"So you want a bucket list do you?" he asked. We both smirked a little at the use of a term from a movie we'd loved. Mom hadn't known he'd taken me to see it; it had been on the forbidden list. As had any movies about death. I remembered the fit she had when Mel and I had spent an afternoon at her house watching Little Women, Steel Magnolias and Fried Green Tomatoes.
"Yes, that'd be nice." I grinned.
"What's a bucket list?" mom asked.
"It's a list of things I wanna do before I die," I explained.
"Oh Rhodanthe! That's so morbid!" she exclaimed.
"All right then, let's hear it." dad said.
I thought about it for a few minutes, what I would really want to do before I died
. Realistic things, not stupid ones like climb a mountain or see a miracle. But things I had not gotten to do before, my mom being so paranoid.
"I want a real birthday party, actual chocolate and food in the house with no tofu, soy or vegetarian meat substitutes. I also want to celebrate Christmas early, get a kitten, and to see Grandma."
I could see the expressions on their faces had relaxed like these were very doable things so I dropped my final bomb, "and I want the ban on Julian lifted." Mom stiffened and I could see her contemplating telling me no on the last bit. But dad squeezed her shoulder and from the wince on her face I knew it was hard.
"I think those are very good for your bucket list Rose," dad smiled at me nodding.
"I also want you both to go home and sleep tonight, don't you think for a moment I didn't know you've been sleeping in here with me the last few nights."
Apparently after they got me to the hospital they'd had to pump me full of drugs and use the paddles on me to get my heart restarted and working again. I'd been doped up on morphine for three days and completely out of it until the present morning. But I awoke with a healthy appetite and a mouth tasting of copper. I knew it hadn't been good medicine that had prevented them from opening my chest, but Julian and his blood.
They were letting me go tomorrow afternoon and I was excited, but what excited me most was that I knew Julian was in the hospital waiting to see me, I could feel him, it was like a fire under my skin.
"Are you sure you don't want us here?" mom asked me.
"No, please go home, eat, sleep and shower, sheesh!" I rolled my eyes at them and grudgingly they left.
"Your birthday's coming up?" Julian's voice jolted me.
He appeared in one of the corners and slowly came over to me, his face was drawn, there were bags under his eyes and the blue was so dark it was almost black. His arms hung at his sides and I was concerned when he didn't reach for me.
"Yes the 13, fitting isn't it that I'll be an adult before I die?" I joked and watched as his whole body winced.
