Hope Over Fear (Over #1)

by J. A. Derouen

  “Um, good, I guess … that’s kind of one of the problems, I think. Mason and I get along great. On paper, we should be the perfect couple. But I don’t feel chemistry between us. Have you ever had fireworks, Marlo? Do they really exist, or am I throwing away a great guy over a ridiculous myth?”

  “There was someone, a very long time ago, yes. We couldn’t make it work for reasons I won’t get into, but I felt like I couldn’t breathe without him. I would have done anything to be with him; he changed me. Once you feel like that for someone, everything else pales in comparison.” Marlo looks straight through me, off into the distance, and I feel as though I’m intruding on her memory.

  “That’s what I want more than anything. Shouldn’t we all have the chance to experience earth-shattering love? And Mason deserves that kind of love, too. I just don’t think I can be the one to give it to him.”

  “Hold on, you’ve only been with one other person besides Mason, and he was that douchebag two-pump chump from freshman year. What about Mason? Has he seen a lot of action?” Marlo raises both of her eyebrows suggestively and gets a little giggle from me.

  “He’s been with two people other than me …” I see where Marlo is going with this line of questioning, but I’m afraid she is way off base.

  “Maybe y’all need to spice things up. Maybe things have just gotten stale. You need a thong and some handcuffs, girl!”

  “I wish you were right, but I don’t think things were ever really fresh, Marlo. Shit, what am I supposed to do? I can’t lose his friendship, but I can’t act is if everything is normal, either. I feel fucking trapped!” The tears well in my eyes, threatening to spill over.

  “Just be sure before you crush Mason’s world, Sara. Don’t do something in haste that you can’t take back. You may have to make him give you the space you need to make the right decision. I’m here for you either way. You know that, right?” Marlo gently squeezes my hand and gives me a supportive smile.

  “I know, Marlo, and that’s why I love you.”

  As the dominos continue to tumble one by one, I know what I have to do. Marlo’s right, if Mason doesn’t want to give me space to work out my feelings, then I will have to create space on my own.

  I shut my eyes tightly as I hit enter on my computer. Several minutes pass before I gain the courage to open my eyes and look at the screen. Fear and excitement are bubbling in my veins as I read the words before me.

  Your 16-week travel assignment to Anchorage, Alaska has been confirmed. A representative with All Nurse Staffing will be in contact shortly to discuss travel and living arrangements.

  Holy shit, what did I just do?

  “Start of Something Good” by Daughtry

  MARLO’S EYES REMAIN closed as I rush into the break room and start warming my lunch in the microwave. She’s hunched over the table with her head resting on her arms. I sit down beside her and gently rub her back.

  “How ya holding up, babe?”

  “I’m hanging in there. It’s just about time to start pushing. We’ve gone over everything, and they’re aware of what’s to come, but are they prepared for this? Hell no. How can anyone ever be prepared for this?”

  Marlo’s eyes are filled with exhaustion and compassion. The labor and delivery unit is a place normally bursting with joy and excitement. It’s by far the happiest place in the hospital. However, it has the potential to be the most devastating, too. Marlo’s patient arrived this morning to be induced only to find the baby had no heartbeat. Sometime between her doctor’s appointment and her induction appointment, her baby girl died in the womb—at thirty-nine weeks pregnant.

  Fetal demise patient assignments follow a nurse rotation to ensure that the same nurse doesn’t continually receive the assignment. It’s impossible for the nurse to be unaffected by the family’s grief, so it’s important that we all share the load. Oddly enough, Marlo took this assignment tonight out of rotation.

  “Marlo, it wasn’t your turn tonight. Why didn’t you let Kim take the assignment?”

  “Because the alternative was a laboring methadone patient. You know I don’t do well with drug addicts. It’s hard for me to muster up compassion for them. I’m aware of my weaknesses, and that is a big one for me.”

  I nod my head in understanding. It’s important for a nurse to be aware of patients or situations that can become colored by personal experiences and prejudices. To remain professional and always do what’s right for the patient means sometimes taking another assignment. I’m not sure what happened in Marlo’s past that makes drug addicted patients a trigger for her, and she’s made it clear to me several times that she isn’t going to share.

  “Don’t think you’re keeping this conversation all about work, Sara Marie Preston. I need a distraction, and I’ve decided it’s your job to do the distracting. Spill. Now.” Marlo’s intense gaze tells me she’s not taking no for an answer.

  “What happened to you and Alex last night, anyway? When I came in from outside, y’all were nowhere to be found,” I ask.

  “We were going to tell you goodbye, but I peeked out the back door and thought better of it. Things looked like they may be getting a little steamy, and I’m no cockblocker!”

  “Cockblocker? Really, Marlo?” I shake my head and giggle. “Okay, so I guess I’ll start off by telling you that Adam and Celia are not a couple after all.”

  “No shit, Sherlock. I figured that out when you spent the whole dinner giggling like a schoolgirl while Adam whispered sweet nothings in your ear. Tell me something I don’t know!”

  After I give her the high points of the night, I wait rather impatiently for her response. “Well, what do you think? Should I go for it?”

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now, Sara? The excitement is rolling off you in waves, girl. My panties are damp just listening to the replay of that kiss. Do you seriously have to ask me if you should go for it?”

  “I know, right? But what about the whole kid thing? I’ve never dated someone with children before. How is this going to work?”

  “Remember what he said, Sara. He doesn’t want you to meet his kids. Before you start looking all dejected, you have to know that’s about keeping his children safe. It’s not about you … he’s not saying you’re some devil woman who will corrupt his kids. He doesn’t want women floating in and out of their lives. That makes him a damn good dad, if you ask me.” Marlo smirks and raises both of her hands, almost daring me to find fault with her rationale.

  “To be honest, I don’t think I could walk away even if I wanted to, Marlo. With just one kiss, this guy has me tied in knots. Hell, he had me in knots before he kissed me! I don’t know if I’ve ever been this … hopeful.”

  “Hope is a good thing, baby girl. Hey, you deserve this. Do you hear me? Enjoy it. I hate to be a downer, but what about their mother? Is there a crazy ex in the picture to worry about?”

  “I’m not really sure. He hasn’t said anything about their mother, and I don’t want to push. We are way too new for me to start demanding answers. I don’t want to scare him away.”

  Our conversation ends abruptly when the break room door swings open. Melody strolls in and takes a seat across from me with a hateful smirk on her face. Marlo, Melody, and I finished nursing school together. Melody and I ran in the same circles when I dated Mason, and she fell on the other side of the fence when people started taking sides after our break up. I never saw it when we were friends, but Melody’s dreadfulness knows no bounds. Sometimes I think that she has made it her personal mission to make my life a living hell.

  “OMG, Sara, you missed the most beautiful wedding! Natalie was gorgeous, I mean absolutely beautiful. Mason couldn’t keep his eyes off her. I think I saw tears in his eyes. I’ve never seen a couple more in love. They should be back from Hawaii soon. What a wonderful honeymoon spot, right?” Melody crosses her arms and lifts an eyebrow. I’m surprised she doesn’t need to gasp for air after spewing all that.

  I used to think Melody resembled
a pixie with her tiny frame, short black hair, and emerald green eyes. Now, her pointy nose and cinched lips remind me more of a wicked witch. How did I miss the mark on her so badly? Why didn’t I see her from the start?

  “You may not believe me, Melody, but I’m happy for Mason. I’m glad he found someone. I don’t know what you’re trying to prove right now,” I explain, trying my best to keep my nerves in check. I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of rattling me. People like her crave a reaction, and I’m determined to disappoint her.

  “Sure you are—” Melody starts before Marlo slams her hand on the table, interrupting her.

  “Look, I’ve had a healthy helping of conniving little bitch for the day, so you can move along, Melody. My patience is thin, and my hand is twitchy. Don’t make me do something about it.” Marlo leans forward on the table, glaring at Melody.

  Melody stands and looks down her pointy nose at Marlo and me. “I will never understand why you take up for her, Marlo. Or why anyone takes up for her, if I’m being honest. ‘Poor Sara, she’s been through so much.’ Give me a break! I see her for what she really is … and one day you will, too.”

  Melody stalks out of the break room in a huff as Marlo yells, “And stay out!”

  Before Marlo can tell me how badly she wants me to put Melody in her place, and I know she will because she always does, the room is filled with the beeping of Marlo’s phone alarm. “Lunch is over, and I’ve got to get back to it, so you’ve been saved by the bell, missy.” Marlo shakes her head in defeat as she stands up. “This poor family … I wish like hell I could give them a happy ending. Tonight, being on the Vagina Squad fucking sucks!”

  “Hey Sara, there’s a new triage patient on her way up from downstairs. Pre-termer having contractions. I know your shift is almost over … sorry!”

  I’ve been the triage nurse for this shift, so I lay eyes on every pregnant patient to arrive at the hospital with a complaint. Lucky me. From triage, the patient will either be admitted to the hospital, or treated and discharged. The triage nurse typically runs her ass off all night, but on a positive note, the shift is over in the blink of an eye.

  I hear the elevator chime announcing the arrival of my new patient. I glance up quickly with a smile, and quickly do a double take when I see a familiar face with tears streaming down her cheeks.

  “Abigail? Are you all right? What’s going on?” I jump out of my seat and quickly grab a wheelchair and get her to sit.

  “Sara, I’m so scared,” Abigail sobs, hunching over in the wheelchair, clutching her pregnant belly. “I keep having cramps and they are getting closer together. I’m only twenty weeks … it’s too early for her to come! I tried to call Miss Caroline, but it keeps going straight to voicemail. I think her phone must have died. My mom … well, she can’t help me …”

  “How did you get here, Abigail?”

  “I-I-I rode my bike. I didn’t know what else to do. There was no one to bring me!” Abigail covers her face with her hands as she cries, and I stroke her hair to comfort her..

  “You did the right thing coming to the hospital, but it scares me to think of you on your bicycle in the dark. If you’re having contractions, that makes it even more dangerous. We’ll figure something out for any future hospital visits. We’ll call an ambulance if need be, but no more late night rides, okay?” I don’t want to push Abigail away by fussing at her, but a girl who is twenty weeks pregnant has no business on a bike in the middle of the night.

  “Okay, Sara. I promise.”

  I bring Abigail to a room, and after she changes into a hospital gown, I attach the monitoring equipment to her belly.

  “Okay, it looks like the baby’s heartbeat is strong, but I do see contractions on the monitor. They are about every five minutes, so I’m going to give you some medicine to stop them. I’m also going to start an IV to give you some extra fluid. Sometimes dehydration can cause contractions. The doctor will come check on you, too.”

  Just as I finish giving Abigail her medicine, Marlo swings the door open and winks at me. “It’s about that time, babe. Ready to wrap things up?”

  “No, you go ahead, Marlo. I’m going to stick around for a while.”

  “Oh no, Sara. Your shift is over? Please, you can go … I know you must be exhausted.” A small rush of panic crosses Abigail’s face. It’s obvious she’s not used to receiving extra attention from anyone.

  I place my hand on top of Abigail’s as a calming gesture. Her eyes meet mine, and I smile. “There’s no place that I need to be but right here, Abigail. Don’t worry about a thing, okay?”

  A strangled sob escapes from her, and I squeeze her hand again. “Okay.”

  After being discharged by the doctor, I help Abigail get dressed and ready to leave the hospital.

  “Great news, right? The contractions were caused by dehydration, so you just need to drink lots of fluids. Your cervix is still closed, and the baby’s heartbeat looks great. All good things!”

  “I’m really relieved. I was so scared, Sara.” Abigail becomes quiet, almost pensive. “You know, I really thought he loved me. I don’t just sleep around or anything.”

  Taking her hand, I lead Abigail to the edge of the bed and invite her to sit down next to me. “Abigail, I want you to know that you can share anything with me, and it makes me feel special that you trust me. But I will never judge you, and you don’t ever have to defend yourself to me. Don’t let the jerks of this world make you feel like you’re small or less than them. You loved someone and trusted that he loved you back, and that is in no way a character flaw. It takes courage to give your love to someone, and it takes a great deal of courage to put your baby’s needs first. I’m very proud of you, and I hope you’re proud of yourself, too.”

  “I wish I could see myself the way you see me.” Abigail’s brown eyes are filled with tears, but her lips are turned slightly upward in the tiniest of smiles.

  “I know it’s a hard thing to do. We can be our worst critics, don’t you think?” I squeeze her hand and stand up. “Let me grab my things, and I’ll give you a ride home. Don’t worry about your bike. I’ll figure out a way to get it to you today. Part of me wants to hide it from you until you have the baby, anyway!”

  “Oh, and Sara, my friends call me Abby,” she whispers, letting her dark curls hide her face in a moment of shyness.

  “Well, in that case, I’ll be right back, Abby.” I leave the room quickly because I can tell Abby feels awkward calling me her friend. If she only knew how special her admission makes me feel.

  I quickly run to the locker room to grab my things. My night shift coworkers left a while ago, and the day shift activities are well under way. As I’m walking out of the locker room, I notice a missed text from Adam.

  A: A little birdie said U worked last night. Quick breakfast? I’ll come to U…

  S: That sounds awesome! What do you drive?

  A: Jeep Grand Cherokee. Why? Only want me for my wheels? In that case, I drive a Ferrari!

  Hmmm … I think I just figured out how to get Abigail’s bike back to her house!

  After orchestrating the safe return of Abby and her bike to her house, Adam follows me home. As I step out of my car, I silently wish I wasn’t sporting a baggy pair of wrinkled scrubs. Adam hops out of his SUV wearing track pants, a red fleece sweatshirt, and a baseball cap. While he should look casual and relaxed in that outfit, he manages to look all kinds of sexy. This is a side of Adam I haven’t seen yet, and I definitely approve.

  I also approve of him taking the time to get breakfast for me after a long, twelve-hour night shift. He’s carrying a bag and a drink caddy that holds two coffee cups.

  “I figured the last thing you need after a night shift is a cup of coffee, so I decided on hot chocolate for you. I hope that’s okay.”

  “That’s perfect, thank you. I love hot chocolate.” I make my way up my front steps and look back to make sure Adam is following me.

  “Hey, it’s a beautiful morning.
Why don’t we swing?” He cocks his head over to my front porch swing and raises an eyebrow.

  “Sounds great. So, Caroline gave you my schedule, huh? I assume she was the little birdie.”

  “Yeah, but don’t be mad at her. I told her I would only use the information for good and not evil.”

  “She’s your sister, right?”

  “What? No, what gave you …” Adam’s confused look brightens quickly. “Oh, the Aunty Caroline thing. The kids have just gotten so close to her, and she’s like family. They’ve kind of adopted her.” Adam shrugs and lifts his arm, directing me to the swing.

  I hold my tongue to keep myself from asking the question that has taken up residence in the forefront of my mind. Speaking of family, where’s Lily and Gage’s mother? Adam’s never mentioned her before, and I’m starting to think it’s his intention to avoid that conversation. I’ll give him that reprieve for now, but I secretly hope that he will confide in me at some point.

  With a slight chill in the air and the sun beginning to warm the day, it is a perfect morning swinging. Adam hands me my hot chocolate and gets comfortable. I drop my bags on the porch and sit down next to him, drawing my leg up to my side. I take a few sips of my scrumptious drink, close my eyes, and allow the rocking of the swing to relax me.

  “A muffin or a scone for your thoughts, madam?”

  I open my eyes to find Adam laying out an impressive spread of baked goods in between us. He brought muffins, scones, biscotti, kolachies, donuts, and cookies.

  “Wow, did you leave anything for the other customers? That’s a whole lot of breakfast right there!” I shake my head and giggle. Although I’m teasing Adam about his buffet of baked goods, deep down I’m touched that he went to the trouble.

  “Well, I ran by the coffee shop after I dropped the kids off at school, so I was a little short on time. I got so overwhelmed with the all the choices; I just wasn’t sure what you would like. The barista thought I was nuts, but I just had her pack up a couple of everything. Too much, right?” Adam looks down and smiles sheepishly.