The Truth in My Lies

by Ivy Smoak

  “Really?”

  He put his elbows on the table and leaned forward too. “Really. Why? Are you jealous?”

  I laughed. “No.”

  “Then why’d you ask?”

  “I was just wondering if you were dating anyone else.”

  “Dating anyone else?” He smirked. “Are we dating?”

  I felt my cheeks flushing. “You knew what I meant.”

  “No, not really.”

  “I’m thirty.”

  “We’ve already had this conversation, Addy.”

  “And I’m not really any clearer on what we’re doing.” I gestured back and forth between us. I wanted it to involve a heated session in the bathroom of this restaurant.

  He pressed his lips together and leaned back in his booth.

  The action made me want to climb over the table and kiss every inch of his perfect face.

  “I asked you want you wanted earlier and you said you wanted a burger. Clearly I’ll give you whatever you ask for.” He licked his bottom lip. It was possible it was absentminded. But it made me cross my legs under the table regardless.

  “I don’t know what you want me to say.” I couldn’t tell him that I wanted him. Not until I told him the truth. And I wasn’t ready for him to walk out that door. A part of me wanted to say nothing at all. The nurse thought he was my husband at the clinic. She did that because she knew I was on my husband’s insurance. And he easily could have seen my rings earlier tonight. There were plenty of signs. Maybe he knew and didn’t care.

  “How about we just get to know each other?” he asked.

  I sighed in relief. “I’d like that.”

  “What’s your favorite kind of meat to have in your mouth?”

  “Ha. Ha.”

  “I was asking a serious question. If I was to cook for you, I’d need to know what to make.”

  “The burgers from here would be hard to beat. But I don’t believe you for a second that your question wasn’t a sexual innuendo.”

  “It’s not my fault if you have a dirty mind.”

  I glared at him. “What kind of meat do you prefer in your mouth?”

  He laughed. “I can assure you that I’m not gay.”

  “Caught you red-handed.” I pointed to him. His smile was contagious. I wasn’t sure I remembered the last time I smiled quite this hard. It was my turn to ask a question. I wanted to know more about him, but I needed to make sure the question wasn’t invasive. Or else he’d ask me questions I didn’t feel comfortable answering. “What’s your favorite color?”

  “Blue.”

  “Because it matches your eyes?”

  He laughed. “No. Because it reminds me of the sea.”

  Did he not realize that he carried the brightest ocean around in his irises? “I love the beach too.”

  He put his elbows on the table, mimicking how I was sitting again. “What’s your favorite season?”

  “Summer,” I said. The hue of his eyes seemed to brighten. “Don’t look at me like that. It has nothing to do with you being around more. If that was the case, I would have said autumn. This autumn, specifically.”

  “Mhm. So why is summer your favorite season?”

  Because of you. Because it’s my husband’s busiest time of year. I shrugged my shoulders and tried not to grimace from the pain. “Because it’s warm. Even on the days it rains you can still go outside and dance in it.”

  “Why can’t I picture you dancing in the rain?”

  “I dance in the rain.” When was the last time I had? Maybe in college? It felt like a lifetime ago. “I used to dance in the rain.”

  “So why did you stop?”

  “Because I’m not happy.” I was lying about my husband. I didn’t have to lie about this too.

  He reached out and grabbed my hand.

  My body tensed. My eyes darted around the small restaurant. I didn’t know a soul. I looked back at him and let myself enjoy the warmth of his skin against mine. Every time we touched I had this overwhelming sensation of comfort. Like my hand belonged in his.

  “How long ago did you lose your baby?”

  He wasn’t supposed to ask questions like this. I closed my eyes. “Six years ago.” Had it really been that long? It felt like yesterday but at the same time it felt like a lifetime ago.

  “I’m sorry.”

  It hurt to think about. But I knew it was a blessing in disguise. I knew it, but I still had to hold back my tears. “Do you want children?” Why? Why on earth did I ask him that? I opened my eyes to see the disaster unfold.

  But he didn’t flinch. Or laugh. “Yes. At least two. I was an only child growing up and I so badly wanted a brother or sister.”

  “Me too.”

  He squeezed my hand.

  “I can have children. I lost that baby, but it…I wouldn’t lose another one necessarily.” I wanted to say it was an accident. But I knew that those words weren’t true. There was no reason to say them. He wasn’t judging me. He was just trying to understand.

  “Are you trying to proposition me to put a baby in you?”

  “What? No. This conversation took a strange turn, I just…”

  “I’m messing with you, Addy.”

  “Well, stop doing that.”

  “One of my new favorite activities is pushing your buttons.”

  I laughed. “I’ve noticed that.”

  He was silent as he stared into my eyes. And I just knew he was about to do it again. He was about to ask me something I didn’t want to answer.

  “You flinched when my hand slid down your neck. I knew you were as caught up in that moment as I was. And then you pushed me away. What happened?”

  Why was he doing this? We had been having such a nice time. “You’re asking too many questions.”

  “Addy, I’m not trying to be nosy. I’m worried about you.”

  “Why? Why do you care?” I pulled my hand from his. “I’m not your problem.”

  He exhaled slowly and pulled his hands onto his lap.

  For just a moment I thought he was going to drop it. But then he stood up and joined me on my side of the booth. He slid in until his thigh was pressed against mine.

  “You winced in the doctor’s office when you crossed your arms.”

  “Please don’t press this.”

  “And whenever you shrug your shoulders, you favor your right one.”

  Wasn’t he Mr. Observant.

  He lightly touched my shoulder.

  I turned away from him. He already knew. What would seeing it matter?

  He pulled the fabric down my shoulder and I heard his sharp inhale. The black and blue splotches on my skin would alarm anyone. Red flags raised on high alert. The jig was up.

  “Addy?” His voice was soft. Not upset, just…gentle. Kind. The sweetest noise in the world.

  I couldn’t look at him. If he saw my face he’d know the truth. He’d see my whole story in my eyes. I was so good at hiding. But I knew that if anyone ever truly looked at me, they’d see below the surface. At least, I prayed that one day someone would.

  He lightly touched the bottom of my chin to turn my face toward his. And he waited. He waited for me to confess everything. I was so sick of hiding. But I wasn’t ready to tell him the truth. I wanted him to like me. Not pity me.

  “If you hurt your shoulder when you fell the other day, why didn’t you just tell me?”

  He didn’t even realize it, but he had just given me the perfect out from the truth. A flawless lie. He saved me. “You already felt so bad about my ankle…”

  “This looks worse than your ankle. You should have told me.”

  Thank you for the out, you sweet, wonderful, perfect man.

  He let the fabric of my sweater fall back into place. “I’ll be right back.” He slid from the booth without another word.

  Maybe he didn’t believe me. Or maybe he had seen all the red flags and decided to leave. I turned around to look out the window. His truck was still in the parking lot.


  I didn’t want tonight to be over. The pain in my shoulder was minimal. I had experienced much worse. My husband was hundreds of miles away and he was still finding a way to ruin my life. I needed to just tell Ben the truth. Rip the Band-Aid off.

  He came back carrying takeout bags and a smile on his face. “Your house or mine?”

  “We’re not going to eat here?”

  “We need to get ice on your shoulder. So, which would you prefer?”

  He didn’t want to run away. Not even a little bit. He was inviting me into his home again. And I hated my house. It reeked of sadness and hostility and death. “Take me back to your place.”

  Chapter 17

  For the first time in my life, it felt like the universe was on my side. I walked into his dark house. His masculine smell was everywhere. Now that I knew that it was his house, I wanted to see everything. I heard the click of the lock behind me.

  The foyer was bathed in darkness. And I realized that I didn’t really want to explore anything but his body. I turned around and bumped into his hard chest.

  It took less than a second for my mouth to find his. I heard the bags of food drop to the floor. And in less than a minute my legs were wrapped around his waist, his hands squeezing my ass. We were a tangle of knotted limbs. I was back in heaven.

  No one should have had such a talented mouth in addition to such a perfect physique. It wasn’t fair. He should have had some flaw. But I hadn’t found a single one. Besides the dimple in his cheek. And that wasn’t a flaw at all. It was gorgeous. There wasn’t one thing wrong about this beautiful man. And being with him felt so damn right.

  He slammed my back against the wall. “Ow.” And in that one second, I ruined everything. Don’t stop. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I didn’t have time to say them before he released my thighs. I slid down his chest. God, why did I have to spoil that perfect moment?

  “I’m sorry.” His voice was strained. “Ice. As much as I want more, ice is the reason why we’re here.” He reached around me and switched on the lights.

  His lips were slightly swollen from our kiss. It just made them look more kissable.

  He took a step back from me. “You shouldn’t even be walking, Addy. What happened to the crutches I gave you?”

  “I didn’t want to make a scene at the meeting tonight.” So much for that. “Did anyone say anything when I left?”

  “They were in a deep debate about leaf raking etiquette. I don’t think anyone noticed that we left. Make yourself comfortable. I’m going to get you some ice.”

  We. That’s the word that went round and round in my head as he left me in his foyer. How badly I wanted to be a we again. I looked right toward the living room I had already been in. I wanted to see his world. Besides, the pain was minimal. My want for him outweighed it twofold.

  I limped into the dining room. It was as barren as his living room. White walls. A solid oak table that looked like it had never been used. I walked through the room and into a hallway. The kitchen was to the right. I could hear the fridge door close. I turned left and wandered into his family room.

  I smiled when I saw the blue throw blanket on his couch. It was the first touch of color in the place. And I had just learned that it was his favorite. The couch was black leather, which in itself screamed bachelor pad more than the white one in the other room. There were still no pictures on the wall, but there was a shelf full of movies. I limped over to it.

  The titles were all comedies, action, dramas, and classics. Not a single romance in the mix. I ran my fingers along their spines. For someone who said they wanted more than a game, he didn’t seem that interested in the more. Although, what real man curled up alone and watched The Notebook? Besides, love like that wasn’t real. It was fiction for a reason.

  My elbow knocked into something and I grabbed it before it had a chance to topple over. Huh. I stared down at the binoculars. I had never even held a pair before. I lifted them up to my eyes and turned to the window. It was too dark to see anything.

  “Searching for something in particular?”

  I jumped at his voice. “No.” I set the binoculars down a little too hard and they banged against the wooden shelf. “Not at all.” I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. He had caught me snooping. But he didn’t look upset. His smile was easy. If anything he looked like he was expecting me to snoop around.

  “You can see deer sometimes in the woods.” He reached around me and lifted the binoculars up. He hit a switch on the side and handed them back to me. “But you have to use the night vision.” He turned the light off in the room and we were once again in darkness.

  “Really?” I put them back up to my eyes. The woods were suddenly alive in a neon green glow. They didn’t seem so scary in the glow. Maybe I needed to get myself a pair of these. It would put me at ease to be able to see through the trees at night. “That’s so cool.”

  He laughed. “See any deer?”

  I looked to the left and then to the right. I could see my backyard, just barely in the distance. If I played around with the settings I might be able to see it really well. Which meant I’d be able to see his yard from my house. I shook away the thought and handed the binoculars back to him. I didn’t want to spy on Ben. I wanted to spend time with him. “Nope, no deer.”

  He switched the lights back on. “Maybe next time.” He placed the binoculars back where I had found them.

  I liked the idea of there being a next time. “You have quite the movie collection.” I wasn’t sure why, but I was suddenly nervous. I turned away from him and scanned the titles again.

  “We can watch one while we eat if you’d like.”

  “Dinner and a movie? That’s quite the first date, Mr. Jones.” My words hung awkwardly in the air. “Unless this isn’t…I didn’t mean…”

  He placed his hand on my waist as he stepped beside me. “I wasn’t answering because I was trying to think of what would make the perfect date movie.” His fingers slid slightly down my hip as he leaned forward to look at the movies.

  “Oh.” It came out as a sigh. I had no control over myself around him.

  “Are there any you haven’t seen?”

  I couldn’t stop staring at him. My eyes were fixated on the 5 o’clock shadow along his jaw. I wanted to rub my palms along it. I had been too busy pulling him closer in the foyer to take the time to touch his jaw. To keep my hands busy, I reached out and pulled a movie off the shelf without looking. “How about this one?”

  He looked down at the movie and then back at me. “You haven’t seen Rocky? Are you kidding me right now?”

  I looked down at the movie in my hand. Actually, I had never seen Rocky. “Nope. Never.”

  “Well, you have to see it. It’s a classic.” He walked over to the TV.

  “It’s hardly a classic. Anything in color isn’t a classic.”

  He shook his head as he hit play. “Maybe this is where our age difference plays a bigger role.”

  “I didn’t grow up watching black and white movies. I’m not that old. It’s just the principle of the thing.”

  “That a movie has to be black and white to be considered a classic?”

  “I don’t know why we’re even arguing about this. You have black and white movies in your collection.”

  “Would you please just sit your perfect little ass down and experience the greatness that is Rocky.”

  “You think I have a perfect butt?” I sat down on his couch and stared up at him.

  “Delectable.” He sat down next to me. “Scrumptious.” He grabbed my foot and unzipped my boot. “Mouth-watering.”

  My mouth was the one watering. I was practically panting as he tugged off my boot. He placed my foot gently on his coffee table. The same table we were eating off of. And I didn’t even flinch. I was transfixed on the words coming out of his mouth.

  “And completely off limits for tonight.”

  “What? Why?” I hated how it sounded like I was pleading
.

  He positioned an ice pack on my ankle and then one on my shoulder. “You were walking around all night on a sprained ankle. And I just found out your shoulder was hurt too.”

  “I’m not as fragile as you think.”

  He adjusted the ice pack on my shoulder. “I never said you were fragile. If my shoulder looked like that, I’d probably be whining nonstop.” He pushed my hair away from the ice pack, his fingers hesitating on my neck. “I bought a few bottles of wine since you were here last. Wasn’t sure if you preferred red or white. Unless you want scotch again. I know how much you liked that.”

  “You thought I’d be back here again?”

  “I hoped you would be.” But his eyes screamed, “Doll, I knew you would be.” He let his fingers drop from my neck.

  I swallowed hard. “Red would be great.”

  “I’ll be right back.” He paused the previews and disappeared out of the room.

  God, my stupid shoulder. I had to admit, though, the ice did feel good. I leaned forward and grabbed one of the takeout bags from the coffee table. He hadn’t bothered with plates. Probably since last time we had eaten burgers at my house, I had eaten mine so quickly it barely touched the plate.

  I pulled out my burger and fries and positioned the bag on my lap. The burger was even juicier than I remembered.

  Ben dimmed the lights when he came back into the room. He looked good every time I saw him, but there was something special about the way the light of the TV hit his face. No one had a right to look that good in casual lighting. How was I supposed to concentrate on a movie when all I wanted to do was look at him?

  He handed me one of the glasses. “Here’s to you discovering what a classic truly entails.”

  I laughed. “Really? That’s your toast? Not, here’s to a lovely date? Or here’s to a romantic evening in?”

  “I thought all those things were implied. Obviously the best date of your life involves ice packs.”

  I smiled. “Ice packs aside, I have no doubt that this will be the most memorable date of my life.”

  Something flashed across his eyes. Shock maybe? I wasn’t sure. It was gone too quickly to tell.

  “Okay, scratch what I said before. Here’s to the best first date of your life.”