Maude

by Donna Mabry

  Mrs. Connor rocked the baby in her left arm. She reached over and smoothed my hair with her right hand. “The first one’s always the hardest, Maude. The next one will come real fast. You’ve got a good body for it.”

  I shook my head and started crying. James put his hand on his mother’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, mom, there won’t be any more babies.”

  “Why? It couldn’t have been that bad. Your daddy said the doctor got here in time. Did he say there wouldn’t be another?”

  “No, he didn’t say that.”

  “Then what makes you think you won’t want more?”

  I wiped the tears off my face with the blanket. “Because I lost my womb.”

  “What? What do you mean, you lost your womb?”

  “The doctor left right after she came and James had to wash her off. My womb came out and we couldn’t get it to go back. James had to bury it out back.”

  Mrs. Connor took a minute to figure out what had happened. “Maude, you were there when Helen had her babies. Did you see the whole thing?”

  “No, they gave me the babies to clean up as soon as they came out. I took them to the kitchen to wash them.”

  “Well, no wonder. What came out of you after the baby was a natural thing. It’s called afterbirth. You still have your womb. You’re going to be just fine. You can have as many babies as you want.”

  “Really?” Then Mom Connor and I began to giggle. James stared at us. I took my mother-in-law’s hand. “You mean, it was supposed to come out like that?”

  “Of course, that happens with every baby. You wait until I see that doctor. I’ll give him what-for for leaving here without finishing the job.” We laughed louder.

  “What in the world are you two laughing about?” James asked. “That isn’t funny. We thought Maude was dying.”

  I shook my head, unable to stop giggling. “We kept trying to put it back.” I was so relieved, so happy to know that someday I could still give James the son he wanted.

  “Lord have mercy!” Mrs. Connor said, practically doubling over with the laughter. The noise woke the baby, who began crying. Mom Connor handed her to me. “Has she nursed yet?”

  James was beaming. “She sure has, Mom, watch her.”

  My embarrassment was overcome by my pride in the fine job I was doing at being a mother. I opened the front of my gown and put my baby to my breast. She fastened herself to it right off and began working for her breakfast.

  My baby’s grandmother looked at her and smiled. “Look at her. She sure is a lively one. She’ll be strong and healthy. You did real good, Maude, real good. What are you going to name her?”

  I smiled and gazed down at my daughter. “I don’t know. I had three or four names picked out, but I never did make up my mind.”

  “Well, she sure is a lulu of a baby. She needs a name.”

  It was James’s turn to laugh. “Then that’s what her name will be, Lulu.”

  Mrs. Connor looked at me. “Is that all right with you, Maude?”

  The name hadn’t been on my list, but if James liked it, it was good enough. “That’ll be fine, if that’s what her daddy wants.”

  Mom Connor turned to James. “Fetch me the Bible on my front table, James, and something to write with.”

  He was gone only a minute and returned carrying the Bible, a pen and a bottle of ink.

  It was a beautiful, big Bible, not the kind you carry to church, but the kind that sits on the table in the hallway of a big house, with gold leaf on the edge of the pages and a thick, black leather binding. Mom Connor sat at the table and opened the book in front of her. She took the lid off the ink bottle and dipped the tip of the pen. Then she paused and turned to me. “Will she have two names or just the one?”

  I thought it over. “Let’s call her Lulu Helen Connor.”

  Mrs. Connor smiled as she made the entry on the line under James’s name. She looked a little sad and said, “I wanted to add more names of my own children to the Connor bible, but none came after James was born. I waited nineteen years to write on this page again.”

  When she finished, she blew on the ink until it dried and then carried it over to show me. I read the entry. “You sure have a beautiful hand, Sister Connor.”

  “Don’t call me that anymore, Maude, call me Mom, if you’re of a mind to.”

  Tears welled up in my eyes. “Thank you, I’d like that. I’d like that just fine.”

  Mom Connor turned to James. “You get on to work, boy. We women have things to do here that don’t include having a man around. For one thing, my grandbaby needs a proper bath.”

  James kissed me on the cheek and kissed his daughter on her fuzzy head. “I’ll see you tonight, Lulu,” he said to the baby, and he left for the store and bragging time.

  Chapter 6

  I was so happy. Everything was just as I dreamed it would be. I kept my baby clean and dressed in the fancy cotton embroidered dresses just like I’d promised her. I gave her a bath every day and changed her diapers the minute she was wet. Lulu grew fast. She ate like she was starving every time I put her to my breast. The nursing was painful for only the first two days, and my milk came in fast and I had plenty of it. I had to keep towels under my dress to soak up the extra milk. Before long, Lulu was so chubby, I had to make sure I got into the creases when I gave her a bath.

  When she was a few months old, I began to carry her to Helen’s in the afternoon where we would sit on the porch and sip iced tea while we watched our little ones. Faith was toddling around and getting into everything. Helen had to keep an eye on her every minute to keep her from eating bugs and dirt or falling off the porch. Lulu slept in the crook of my arm or sometimes we brought out the little cradle that Faith had outgrown to the porch so I could have my hands free to sew.

  Helen looked at her like she was a little jealous. “She sure is a peaceful baby. I don’t remember Faith ever sleeping that much. Doesn’t she ever cry?”

  “Not much, only when she’s hungry. I fed her before I came over here, so she’s got her usual afternoon sleep time. She won’t wake up now ‘til four o’clock. Then I feed her again, and she’ll sleep ‘til her daddy gets home. You ought to see him. He wakes her up and carries her around talking to her ‘til dinnertime. He’s going to spoil her rotten.”

  “That’s nice, Maude, that’s real nice. She won’t be a baby for long. Next thing you know, she’ll be tearing up the house.”

  Helen’s girl, Faith, was petite like her mother, and Lulu was sturdily built, like James and I were. I could tell it wouldn’t be long before the girls were the same size, even if they were almost two years apart. There we were, Helen and Maude, the sisters who looked so different and whose ways were so opposite, rocking and sipping our iced tea together, watching our babies and taking great satisfaction in our peaceful lives.

  For the first time in my life, I didn’t envy anyone in the world.

  Chapter 7

  I turned sixteen in the summer of 1908. Lulu was one year old and learning to walk. James and his father were building onto the cabin to make a room for Lulu to have for her own place. I hadn’t conceived again yet, but Mom Connor told me that as long as I was nursing Lulu, I probably wouldn’t start another baby. That was all right with me. I wanted more children, just not right away, at least not for another year or two. It wasn’t unusual for the other mothers in the town to breast-feed for three years or more to put off getting another baby. Sometimes that worked, and sometimes it didn’t.

  I was enjoying each part of Lulu’s growing up. James loved to watch her and see her learn to crawl, sit up, and then take her first steps. She was the light of our lives. When James was home, he carried her around or played games with her almost the entire time she was awake.

  He was away from home some Saturdays, playing baseball against the teams from other towns. I took Lulu to the ball field on the Saturdays they played at home, and she and I cheered him around the bases. Lulu would clap her little hands together and whoop along w
ith me. James would tell Lulu that he loved her the most, me second, and baseball third. I wasn’t jealous of that, because as much as I loved James, I loved Lulu more.

  Even if she did take after me in the way she was built, she was a beautiful little girl, with a pink complexion, long fingers, and rosy cheeks. Her hair by then formed soft curls around her neck, and her big round eyes were the same bright blue of her father. I was glad that she took after James. I hoped that if any of our children inherited my own looks, it would be the boys. My daddy was a handsome enough man, but I’d known my plain looks all my life. James told me I was beautiful, and it made me feel wonderful, but I knew it wasn’t true. I still compared myself to Helen.

  Neither one of us had ever received a single piece of mail in all our lives. One Monday afternoon that spring, James came running in the cabin with a letter in his hand. He waved it back and forth in front of me, dancing around. He grabbed my shoulders, hugged me, then held me away from him far enough to kiss me all over my face. “It’s from the St. Louis Browns, Maude, they’re sending a man down here to see us play. We beat every team we played so far this year, and they want to take a look at us. This could be it for me. If I can hit like I’ve been doing, maybe they’ll sign me up to play professional.”

  He looked so happy. I set aside my thoughts of him being a real baseball player, for money, and being away from home all the time. “Oh, James, it’s your dream come true, isn’t it?”

  We laughed and danced around the house. “I got to tell Mom and Dad,” he said, and ran out of the cabin. I couldn’t hold back the tears, both happy and sad. Of course, they would hire him. My James was going to be a real baseball player. He was going to have his dream.

  He and the rest of the boys on his team gave up their evenings all week so they could get in practice time. I hadn’t seen him so excited since Lulu was born. That Saturday, he fidgeted all morning, pacing back and forth, running up to his parent’s house, changing his socks three times. When it was finally time for us to leave for the ball field, he gave me a big hug. “This is going to be the best game you’ve ever seen. All the boys are going to put out their best, including the team from Union City.”

  James’s parents were waiting for us, and we all trooped out to the ball field together. James carried Lulu, Mr. Connor carried a picnic basket, Mom Connor carried a few hooked rugs for us to sit on, and I carried supplies and toys for the baby. All five of us, including Lulu, were quiet during the walk, we grown-ups were thinking on what the day could bring for James’s future, and Lulu, well, she must have picked up on our serious mood.

  Mom and Dad Connor and Lulu and I took our seats on the benches built by the field. As the family of a player, we didn’t have to bring our own chairs. I sat in the second row with Lulu on my lap, and the Connors sat in front of me. I looked around the crowd, looking for strangers, trying to spot the man from St. Louis. Word of the scout coming had spread to both teams that were playing, and there was a bigger crowd today than I’d ever seen before.

  Lulu was always a quiet baby and used to being at the games. The noise when someone made a home run didn’t bother her at all. She dozed off right away.

  My heart swelled with pride when the hometown team took the field. James was the tallest of them, and his blond hair helped me spot him right off. I thought he was so handsome.

  Out in left field, James caught the ball to end the first inning. At his first turn at bat, James got a hit that took him to second base and was taken the rest of the way to home plate by a teammate’s home run. We all cheered as loud as we could. Lulu wriggled a little in my arms, but settled back to her nap.

  I knew James was nervous by the way he kept picking up a handful of dirt and rubbing it between his palms, but no one else would have been able to tell it. James was playing like he was already on the big-time team. I was so proud of him. By the third inning, his team was already two runs ahead.

  James got his second at-bat in the fourth inning. He gave me a wave and a big smile as he stepped up to the plate. He took his position and focused his attention on the pitcher. The first ball was wide and counted as ball one.

  The second ball was wide again, but James swung and clipped the outside of it, sending it out to right field, but short of the first base line. It went foul, and it was called as strike one. The third pitch was again wide and called ball two. The catcher stood and walked out to the pitcher and put his arm around his shoulder. They both lowered their heads, talked for a few seconds, and the catcher went back and squatted down behind the plate.

  The pitcher took some time before the next pitch. He stared at James and finally wound up, leaning back as far as possible, and threw the ball as hard as he could.

  It traveled so fast that it was just a blur to me. James moved his bat back for his hit. The ball connected with his left temple with a loud crack, jerking James off his feet and into the air. His body fell to the ground with a thud and lay face-down. The dust clouds billowed up around him and then faded away into the air. James lay there and didn’t move at all. The people held their breath and waited for him to get up, but he didn’t. It was so quiet, you could hear the leaves rustling.

  His mother was out of her seat and running to him in a split second, his father a heartbeat behind her. I told my body to move, to get to him, but I was frozen. I turned to look into the face of the woman sitting next to me, and the last thing I remembered was the blue sky over my head.

  Chapter 8

  The faraway sound of a pitiful wail woke me. I didn’t open my eyes right away until the horrible memory of what I’d seen rushed back to me. When I looked around, I was in my own bed at home, and Sister Clark was sitting next to me in a chair.

  “James?” I asked.

  Sister Clark bit her lip. “I’m sorry, Maude, he’s gone to be with the Lord.”

  I sat up and looked for Lulu. “Where’s Lulu, is she all right?”

  Sister Clark patted my hand. “Mrs. Hopkins was sitting next to you and caught her when you passed out. Helen took her home with her. We didn’t think you’d be up to looking after her for a spell.”

  I tilted my head and listened to the mournful keening coming from the main house. “Mom Connor?”

  “She’s in a bad way, Maude, James being her only child and all. The doctor wanted to give her something, but she wouldn’t take it. I’ve never seen anyone grieve so. If she doesn’t start leaning on the Lord soon, I’m afraid she’ll lose her mind.”

  I jumped out of the bed. I was wearing a nightgown, and I pulled it off with no modesty at all and dressed in a top and skirt as fast as I could. I pushed my feet into my shoes, called, “Thank you,” over my shoulder, and ran out of the house. Sister Clark went after me, expecting me to go to the house, I guess, but instead I ran right out of the yard and down the street. More than anything, I needed to hold my baby in my arms.

  I ran up the steps and through Helen’s door without knocking. Helen was in the kitchen with both of the girls. She turned when she heard me and was about to say something when I grabbed up Lulu and started to leave. “I’ll be at Mrs. Connor’s,” I cried, slowing up just enough that I didn’t upset Lulu.

  I was back at the Connor house in only a few minutes. I went in the front door and followed the sound of the crying to the Connors’s bedroom. Mom Connor was sitting up in the bed, her face swollen and her long hair mussed around her shoulders. Sister Clark was trying to get her to drink something, but she turned her head this way and that to refuse it.

  I walked to her and stuck Lulu in her grandmother’s arms and then went and stood against the wall. Mom Connor looked down at the little round face and the blonde hair. Lulu looked up at her with a curious expression. She had never heard such a sound come out of a person, but instead of being scared, she tilted her little head and watched her grandmother’s face to see what was happening. Mom Connor stopped the wailing and gulped some air. She stared down at the little girl who looked so much like her father, then she held Lulu’s
cheek up against her own and began rocking her. The baby reached up and patted her grandmother’s cheek and then twined her fingers in Mom Connor’s long, soft hair.

  Sister Clark held the glass back up to Mom Connor’s lips, and she sipped a little of the mixture the doctor had left. I left Lulu with her grandmother and went back to my cabin alone. Sister Clark sat with the two of them until they’d both fallen asleep. Then she came to check on me.

  She found me rocking on the cabin porch, wearing one of James’s shirts on top of my dress. It was a heavy, red wool plaid that he wore on chilly mornings. I guess I was staring off in the distance and didn’t notice the preacher’s wife until she spoke to me. “You knew just what she needed, didn’t you, Maude? She’s going to be all right now. The two of them are sleeping. How are you doing?”

  “I don’t even know. It’s like this isn’t real, like it never happened. He was here just this morning. The cabin is still full of him being here. I had to fuss at him to get him to eat his breakfast because I didn’t want him to try to play ball on an empty stomach. Now he’s gone. I’ve been sitting here in this shirt with the smell of him still in it. He’s never going to run up the walk at the end of his day, never going to play with Lulu like he always did, never going to---,” my voice failed me and I had to struggle to catch my breath, then I gasped so deep my whole body shook. “I’m never going to see him again. You don’t know what he was to me. Nobody knows.”

  “I got an idea, Maude. I know how he loved you.”

  “I don’t know why he did. I’m not pretty, no matter what he said about it. He could have had any girl in town. Why did he pick me?”

  “He saw into your heart, Maude. He knew what was real when he saw it.”

  I stopped rocking and sat up. “Where is he?”

  “He’s at the undertaker’s in Union city. They’ll bring him to the house when he’s ready. It ought to be a few hours.”