by Stewart, Ann
“What! How? I don’t…” I stumble, not knowing how to articulate my thoughts. It’s happening. I am crumbling and now, I can’t help the tears slowly streaming down my face, nor do I want to. She is cutting me, deep and on purpose. If I ever thought Alex was dangerous, I was wrong. He is nothing compared to the underhanded, spiteful bitch sitting next to me.
“You heard me. You will stop seeing him. You say I don’t know him, but trust me, I do. You’re the one that knows very little about him. You don’t know what he’s capable of and I refuse to stand back and let him ruin you. No matter what you believe, I’m only looking out for your best interests.” My best interests? Doubtful, bitch!
“He loves me,” I whisper, choking on each word as my chest constricts. My once strong façade has dwindled away and I’m left looking as weak and broken as I feel. Wake up, Elyssa. She doesn’t own you. She doesn’t own Alex…well, not anymore. Don’t let her do this to you…to Alex…
“Ha! Love! What do you know of love? If you could recognize love, you would see that I’m only doing this because I vowed to protect you. Please Elyssa, just listen to me. End things with him. Now. Don’t force me to take measures into my own hands.”
Wiping away the tears, I’m taken aback. “What’s that supposed to mean? What measures?”
“Do you really think this trip to New York was a business need? In what world would I need to send my Senior Vice President to oversee a small venture? I could send anyone, but I’m sending him because you two need distance. With time, you’ll both see you’re from two different worlds and it would never work.”
Finally, I find my voice as anger courses through my veins. “He won’t give up on me…and I sure as hell won’t give up on him.”
“Do you really want to play this game with me?” Sitting next to her, her words burn me like a branding iron. She’s too close. All I can do is turn and stare. “I don’t think you do, Elyssa. I can think of a hundred things I could do and if you force my hand, I will ruin him,” her voice hisses with contempt. How could she do this to him? To me?
“What…why would you…?” I stutter in utter shock and resentment.
“I would do it for you. I need to know you’re safe and if that means making his life a living hell, so be it.” And there it is. The cold, heartless bitch Rachel has always hinted at. I don’t think she can be any worse.
Oh wait…yes she can.
“But remember, it’s not just him that you have to think about. What do you think will happen to his poor little old grandmother if his life fell apart?” Nana! Are you kidding me? No! “What do you think would happen if I fired him? If I ruined his reputation, he would never work in this industry ever again. Do you think he could take care of his grandmother on a measly mail clerk salary? He would lose everything! Then again…he could always go back to selling himself. Where would your love be then? It’s simple really. Don’t make me do it. If you care for him…”
“Why? You can’t be so heartless that…”
“Because he knew his role! He knew better that to take advantage of you; to take advantage of someone so trusting. He never should have started something with you knowing how it would end, and for that I’ll make him pay.” Her screeching voice elevates, reverberating through my entire apartment.
I can’t allow her to do this, to ruin him. It doesn’t make sense. Because of me, she would destroy the life that he built. Regardless of who she feels is owed for his success, Alex has built his own fortress. And within that fortress his grandmother is safe and cared for. I can’t allow him to throw away his safety nest to be with me.
Given the choice, I know what he would choose. I know he loves me enough to stand in front of that bullet and make career suicide. He wouldn’t be thinking clearly, and that is why I have to make the decision for both of us. I love him too much. I can’t let him ruin any aspect of his life, not for me. This will break me, but I will do it…for him. I will break my own heart in order to ensure his safety. Resolved to my fate, tears continue to fall.
“He won’t give up that easy. I know him…he’ll fight for me.”
“Well then, I suggest you put your little acting hat on and make him believe. Show him you’re so disgusted with him that the thought of being with him literally makes you cringe. It shouldn’t be too hard; it is pretty disgusting what he’s done.” Are you kidding me? You are the reason why we’re here!
“Besides, I brought someone to get your mind off of him.” Oliver?! If she thinks Oliver could ever take his place…she is insane with a capital I.
“I don’t think I can pretend. I…I love him too much.” Slumping even further into the couch, I feel deflated. What I don’t understand is why? Why is she doing this? She has never treated me this way. Why does she have to start now?
Seeing my deflated body, she tries to reach over, but I recoil at her touch. Backtracking, she places her hands back in her lap. Leave them there, bitch! “Lucky for you, you won’t have to act too much longer. This month away is your chance to separate yourself from him, to break things off before you get hurt. I will do whatever I have to in order to keep you safe. Don’t ever doubt that. ”
“If I do this, if I stay away from him, you have to promise to do the same. You have to promise that you won’t do anything to him.” This is a huge sacrifice, and if she doesn’t think she has to do anything in return, she’s sorely mistaken. I need her to leave him be. I need her to cut ties with him. It’s only fair. Nothing is fair about his, Ely. Nothing.
I told Alex I would go anywhere, do anything to be with him. I love him with such conviction. But now…now, in order to free his soul from eternal damnation, I offer myself in his place. Giving into the devils wishes, I will bargain for his freedom and safety; a deal I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life.
Promising me, Arianna holds her index and middle finger in the air. “Scouts honor,” she smiles. Bitch, you were never a fucking Girl’s Scout.
“He needs to live his own life. If not with me, he should be with someone who will make him happy. He deserves happiness, and you do not make him happy. You make him miserable, and now you’re making me miserable. You have to promise not to intervene anymore with any of his future decisions.”
“Elyssa…”
“Damn it, Arianna. Promise me!” Making a deal with the devil incarnate never hurt so much. Sobs rumble through my chest and I can barely breathe.
“Fine…I promise,” she huffs, patting her perfectly coiffed hair.
“I’ll do it before he goes to New York and he’ll have a month.” What she fails to see is that I’ll never get over him. I’ll love him forever. Bringing Oliver around won’t make me feel any different about him. It will only make my misery resound more, and unfortunately, anyone around will feel it. I can’t, and won’t, hide it.
“I’ll be watching you, so don’t you dare think about deceiving me ever again! You can’t say a word to him. I mean it, Elyssa. Do you hear me?! He knows what I’m capable of. Do you?”
“I need you to leave. Now!”
Standing, Arianna grabs her possessions and takes a step towards the door. Before she retreats any further, I grab her elbow, forcing her to look at me. Her porcelain face is highlighted by the rays of sun shining through the door and I’m blinded by my forcefulness and anger. “I need you to know going forward you are not in my life. The only reason I’m doing this is because I love him and I refuse to let him throw away his life for me. Do you understand?”
“In time you’ll realize I made the choice you should have all along. I made the same choice any mother would for her daughter.”
“You are not my mother! I hate you! I want nothing to do with you. You are literally gutting me.”
Arianna strides from my apartment and doesn’t look back. With all my strength I slam the door, letting my frustration and anger ball into that one movement. Slumping against the door, I slide to the cold tile below, weeping uncontrollably.
~~~~~
Lying in bed, depression has officially set in.
I’m trying to go through the stages of grief before the actual death of my relationship, and fuck…it’s the hardest, most miserable, thing I’ve gone through since my parent’s death. My chest heaved as the first stage of denial hit. I laid here trying to think of ways around this situation. A way to deceive Arianna and still be with Alex, but every scenario brings me back to the answer of impossibility. After denial came guilt. I would feel guilty if he chose me over the life he’s created for himself. I would also feel guilty ending things with him. Alex will automatically think that I don’t want to be with him because of his past and right now that’s farthest from the truth.
I’m hoping I can cushion the blow, but haven’t figured out how. I’ve been contemplating all day how to end things with him. It would be cowardly to break up over an email or a text message, and if I tell him over the phone, he’ll just show up at my house.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through with this. Someone, please help me.
Startling me, my phone rings. Alex’s beautiful face jumps across my screen. He’s such a striking tragedy. His troubled past and corrupted soul is an ugly disguise for the compassionate and painfully perfect man he truly is; a man who in my heart will always be mine.
“Hello,” I answer, voice stricken with grief.
“Did you get some rest?”
“Not really. Hey listen, we need to talk.”
“I’m parking right now. Open the door.” Fuck. My. Life.
I know that I have to do this. I know I have to go open the door and break both our hearts. So, why is it so freaking hard to stand up? Why are my legs suddenly a hundred pounds each? Oh, that’s right…because this isn’t right, Ely. You know it’s not right. Deal with the consequences of Arianna’s backlash. Alex would do it for you. “Stop it! I have to do this. I have to do this for him. For Nana. Stop making me feel even worse than I already do.”
Picking myself up off bed, I glance in the mirror and try to adjust my appearance. I try to make myself presentable, but at this point, everything is a failure. Opening the door, I see Alex rushing up the walkway, his cheerful face turning to concern as his eyes reach mine. No words, just an embrace. Alex clings to me and with this small action, the ever present tears start to form as I try with all of my might to suppress the urge to cry. All I can do is hold him, if only for this moment, to remember how it feels to be in his arms. Tightening my embrace, I inhale his scent, the one that made me fall for him in the elevator; citrus, musk and Alex.
“Hey, are you okay?” Alex tries to pull back, but is met with resistance. Refusing to let go, I cling to him.
“Don’t let me go,” I plead.
“Elyssa, what’s wrong?” Alex lifts me, bringing both of us to the couch. Releasing my grip I bow my head, still unable to look him in the eyes. If I look at him now, he’ll know. He’ll know everything. Stay strong, Ely!
“Alex, I’ve been thinking.” It’s now or never, and I have to do this…for him. “Tomorrow you’re going away for a month and I don’t know how much we’ll be able to see each other. Who knows if you’ll meet someone while you’re gone and…”
“Where the fuck is this coming from? You’re afraid I’ll meet someone? Come on Elyssa, that’s bullshit.” Alex pushes back, putting distance between us. This is it.
“I’m just saying, I don’t think it would be wise to put ourselves in a situation where failure is inevitable. Our relationship is still new and now we’re going to be apart. After everything I found out about you, and you dealing with everything in New York, maybe space is what we need.”
“You’re really doing this? You’re breaking up with me?” Alex’s enraged voice is shaking.
“I’m saying that maybe we need to cool things down. I think we got too serious too fast and…”
Standing up, he leaves me alone and afraid on the couch. If only he knew that I was literally breaking my heart for his own good. “Fuck this. This is about Oliver isn’t it? You want to be free so you can…”
How dare he try to make me out to be the type of woman who jumps from guy to guy. “Now hold up! I’ve never given you any reason to doubt me. This isn’t about Oliver. This is about us.” Trying hard to not let the brimming tears out, I reach for him.
Alex bridges the gap between us, taking my face into his hands. “Elyssa, I know you. You are stronger than this. There has to be something else. Something you’re not telling me.”
Fuck Arianna. We do know each other and he knows I’m not telling him the truth. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to break his heart and still leave him standing. I got nothing.
Trying to change the subject, I awkwardly bring up Nana instead. “I’m hoping while you’re gone… it’ll be okay if I visit your grandmother from time to time. I know it’ll be hard on her not to see you.”
Resting his forehead against mine, he succumbs to his feelings. “Elyssa…don’t do this. Don’t give up on me.”
“Alex, please give me this month. Let me figure things out. I’m trying to do what’s best for you.”
“What’s best for me? You want what’s best for me! This is what’s best for me.” Resting his hand over my heart, Alex quickly takes my mouth into his kissing me with such passion that my loins tighten with each movement of his tongue. Breaking away, his breathing is ragged, “You are what’s best for me. Don’t you see? You’ve saved me and made me want to be a better person, for you and for me.” Alex continues placing soft kisses against my jaw line until he reaches my ear and sucks softly on my lobe. “I love you.” I tremble at his closeness, trying to recover from his adoring words.
I have to stop him. Now, before it’s too late.
“Alex please…don’t do this. You’re making it harder than it needs to be.” Pushing against him I slump against the couch; his breathing erratic from our moment of contact.
“Is this really what you want? You want time away from me?” No I don’t, please stop making this so hard. You’ll see, with time you will forget all about me.
“It’s what’s best for us.” It’s what’s best for you. For you and Nana. Can’t you see, I’m doing this because I love you.
“You’re not answering my fucking question. Fuck what’s best. Tell me what you want!” Alex screams out of frustration.
He’s not going to stop and I don’t have the strength to keep fighting him. If he doesn’t leave now, I will give in.
“I want you to leave.” I point to the door. He needs to go to New York and move on. Find someone to make him happy. Arianna agreed to let him go as long as I stay away from him. She won’t intervene with his life anymore. She promised.
“Fuck this!” Alex throws his hands in the air. “Call me when you can actually tell me the truth and stop hiding behind your ‘it’s what’s best for us’ bullshit.” Walking out, Alex slams the door behind him. My neighbors must love me.
~~~~~
Eyes swollen, I’m being consoled by my only friend…a box of tissues that I’m hugging tightly. After hours of crying, wads of tissue are my only companions. His face, the way he looked at me, I never imagined I could hurt him so much. I’ve lost the only man I’ve ever loved. How is any of this fair?
Staring at the television, the pictures are nothing but a dull distraction from the ache that I feel inside. Knock! Knock! Knock! Who the hell is it now? I seriously don’t think my heart can handle any more. Knock! Knock! Knock!
Opening the door, I see Alex standing five feet away. Confused by the distance, I glance down and see that he’s left a wicker basket on my doorstep. Tears now streaming down my face, I bend down and take the basket in hand. Ignoring its contents I look up, wanting nothing more than to run into his arms, to kiss him and beg him to stay. Not fast enough, I’m left with the vision of him walking away from me. He left me standing alone, again, with only a gesture from my heart.
Placing the basket on the counter, I close my eyes. Can I do this?
He’s doing exactly what I did to him. Now I get to see how it feels to have someone completely beg for mercy. I have to do this. I have no choice. Finally opening my eyes, I take a peek as a barrel of tears race down my face. A bottle of chocolate syrup and fresh strawberries brings a small smile to my face. I can’t help the sob that escapes my lips.
An IPod and an envelope are all that’s left. Placing the headphones in my ears, I press play as I sit down to read his letter. Alex’s deep, grief stricken voice along with his heartfelt words are now my companions:
My Hart:
I’m hoping to remind you of a better time. A time when we were surrounded by sandy beaches and all of the cares in the world dissolved; a time when a bottle of chocolate and sweet strawberries were all we needed, besides each other. You once told me that you choose me; that you would choose me in any scenario. Well, here is our scenario. I love you, with all of my being. I know I haven’t made the best choices in life, but my past does not control me and I refuse to apologize for the decisions I made before I knew you. You’re scared and for some reason, you’re running away.
If time is what you need, you have it. But, I need to know I still have a chance. That after this time away, there’s a possibility you can still love me; that you do still love me. Although it will pain me to be away from you, I’ll give you what you ask for in good faith. But, I refuse to give up on us. At the lowest point in my life, when I thought God was punishing me, Angels showed their mercy and gave me you. I can’t let a gift from God go so easily. You saved me. You saved me from my past, my present, and now you’ve shown me a future. A future I want with you, more than I want my next breath.
Inside the basket I recorded a few songs for you. Listen to each one and although I didn’t write them, these songs say exactly how I feel. I’m leaving them as a reminder for you, so every day you can hear my voice. Every day you can hear me tell you how I feel, in hopes you won’t let go of what we have. In hopes I still have something to come home to.
My flight leaves at midnight tomorrow. I would like to see you before I leave. Meet me at Sin City Bar & Grill at 9:30 p.m. I’ll be waiting.
