by Stewart, Ann
For Always,
Your Alex
Griping the letter to my chest, soft sobs escape as tears fall naturally down my cheeks. I know now how he felt when I left my care package. I still feel lost, but it’s something more. Something more concrete. I feel his heartache and his love. I love him. I love him. I love him. I can’t deny my feelings, but what can I do? There is no other option…I have to let him go.
I knew he wouldn’t give up.
CHAPTER 24
Thursday, October 18, 2012
“Wait for me,” Alex whispers against my lips. Grasping my head, he controls my movement as he fervently kisses me. His silk tongue tenderly massaging mine as our connection deepens. Reaching up, I wrap my hands behind his head, fingers intertwining as they run through his hair. I’m lost as I fall deeper and deeper into the never ending need for him.
Even against my tightening, desperate grip, he pulls away, exuding his power over me. A sweet smile brushes across his lips as he runs his thumb across my bottom lip, gazing into my eyes. The sound of the plane engine roars and reverberates against the thick paned glass, reminding me of his departure. Don’t go, please don’t go?! Leaning down he breathes into my ear, “Promise me.”
Desperation sinking in, I cling to him not wanting any air of separation. I rest my cheek against his chest, my arms clenched around his torso and pull him in even further. The buttons of his dress shirt dig into my temple as I press harder against him.
“Now boarding United Airlines Flight 312 at Gate D-56.”
My fingers dig into his lower back, grasping the little bit of material that isn’t tight against his muscular body. Caressing my hair, Alex nuzzles against my temple where he places a soft kiss against my forehead. “I need to go Hart, they’re calling my flight.” I stubbornly hold on, unwilling to remove my hold. Pools of tears build in my eyes as I tilt my head back, looking up the length of his body.
“This face…” Alex runs his fingers down the length of my cheek, “Will forever be engrained in my mind. This is the only memory I need.”
“Don’t go Alex. Stay with me please,” I beg. Something isn’t right; he can’t go.
“Don’t worry, it’s only a month. Just promise you’ll wait for me.”
“I promise.” I cross two imaginary lines over my heart. “I don’t want to be away from you.”
“It’s only a month. Before you know it I’ll be back. Alright?” I nod as tears stream down my face. “Hey, don’t cry.” Pushing away my tears, Alex places a sweet, but brief kiss on my lips before releasing me. “Can I get a smile?”
All I can muster is a half smile that fades the moment he bends down to grab hold of his luggage. Watching him walk towards the terminal, terror sets in. Don’t let him leave, Ely. My breathing is frantic as I clutch my chest. In a panic I run towards him, screaming his name. “Alex! Don’t go, Alex…Please don’t go.”
Turning right at the moment my body collides with his, his arms encapsulate me. Lifting me into an embrace, I wrap my legs around his waist. “I love you….I’ll always love you. Please don’t go.” Pulling his mouth down to reach mine, I try to convince him to stay with my eager lips. Hoping they have more luck. “Please…” I urge as tears trickle down my cheeks.
“I’ll love you forever. Just wait for me.” I’m defeated as I lower my legs, my feet meeting the floor as my knees weaken. My breath is shallow as I sob softly. Alex places one last lingering kiss on my lips before he leaves me standing in the middle of the airport. He walks towards the terminal, not taking a second glance back. I’m left alone to fend for myself, a feeling of unease settles in, and all I’m left with is my silent walk back towards the parking garage.
Reaching my car, I can feel the ground tremble below my feet. My stance is shaken as I hold onto an adjacent car to regain my balance. Frantically, I glance in all directions. It’s not until I turn around to look behind me, that I see a billow of smoke and fire in the distance. Immediately terror sets in.
“No…please God no…please…” Running back towards the airport, my legs feel like cement; dragging and unable to move quick enough.
As I pass a guard station, a man’s voice begins to yell at me. “Miss….miss you can’t go in there.” Grabbing me by the waist, the security guard pulls me against him as I fight to remove myself from his grasp.
“Let me go. My boyfriend was on a flight. I need to find him...” Still holding onto me, the guard explains that a plane exploded as it took off. My thoughts are a blur as I shake my head still trying to get out of his hold. God, please not Alex! Please! Please!
“What plane? What flight?” Please let him be okay. “I need to know…” Closing my eyes, tears trickle down my face as I silently pray for Alex’s safety.
“United Flight 312.”
NOOOOOO!!!!!! I’m shaken awake, drenched in sweat, breathing erratic. I can feel my heart race as I struggle to calm myself, only now realizing it was a dream. Running my fingers through my hair, I slump back against my pillow. It was only a dream, Elyssa. Alex is fine. He is fine. But the terror, the dread, all of it seemed so real.
Fighting the urge to call him, I look at the clock. It’s late, but I know I won’t be able to sleep until I know he’s okay. It may be three in the morning, but a quick text can’t hurt.
**Are you okay?**
Surprisingly, it only takes a few moments for his response.
*Yes, are you? Why are you still up?*
I’m instantly relieved as I stare at his response, reading it way too many times. Over and over, before the realization that he’s okay, sets in.
**Had a nightmare. I needed to make sure you were okay.**
Unexpectedly, my phone begins to ring and instantly know its Alex the moment his sweet smile appears on my screen.
“Hi,” my voice is soft, although my heartbeat is still a little erratic.
“What was your nightmare about?” The grogginess of his voice lets me know he was sleeping when I texted him, which makes me feel guilty. Oh, who am I kidding? It makes me also feel cherished, a feeling I am trying so desperately to banish.
“It was just a nightmare. I didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to bed.” My words contradict with how I’m feeling. I want nothing more than to tell him to come over, to fall asleep in the comfort of his arms. But that would be unfair to him, to use him knowing I can’t be with him. This is too hard.
“It must have been pretty bad for you to text me in the middle of the night. Was it about me?”
“Yes…” The last thing I want to tell him is the truth. I dreamt that you died in a fiery crash. I dreamt that you left me alone on this Earth to wallow in my guilt and self-pity knowing that I let you go so easily. You know, the usual.
“Whatever it is…it’s not going to happen.” His voice is resolved.
Turning on my side I clutch my phone as tears escape my eyes. “You promise?”
“I promise…I won’t give up on us, Elyssa. Nothing will change how I feel about you.”
“Will you do me a favor?”
“Anything.”
“Stay on the phone with me until I fall asleep?”
“Anything for you, my Hart.” I close my eyes and moments later the tension in my body has completely washed away. The sound of his breathing was all that I needed.
~~~~~
When I woke up this morning my phone was plastered to the side of my face. My battery died before my alarm went off so I’m not sure if Alex stayed with me the entire night or if he waited until I fell asleep to hang up the phone. Regardless, I’m thankful he was there for me when I needed something to hold onto. Although the nightmare has me on pins and needles about his departure, there is something else that it made me realize. I want to be with him. Even with his past, even with Arianna’s relentless claws dug into him, even with everything working against us…I want him. I love him with every inch of my body and soul.
Problem is, I made a promise to Arianna. I negotiated for Alex’s freedom. As
long as I kept up my part of the bargain, she would no longer interfere with his life. I would never be able to live with myself if her threats came true; destroying the life he built for himself. But, I’m torn. Even with her menacing words looming over me, I can’t help myself, and I’m going to have to come up with a plan to be with him. I love him; I have to find a way.
But first things first, I need to take care of business. Knowing I have two off-site meetings at local casinos, I call Maggie and explain why I wouldn’t be in the office today. It’s open enrollment time and as a Sales Executive we’re required to attend at least two benefit fairs to answer any questions and give a small presentation going over their lucrative benefits. A change of venue might just be what I need, plus it gives me a reason to stay out of the office.
Of course, Maggie didn’t question my intentions; instead she asked if I was feeling better. The adoration for my boss just grew ten folds. She’s great at avoiding my personal business while still being concerned for my well being. I thought she would appreciate my honesty, so when she asked, I simply told her I was getting better each day and how I appreciated her concern.
Clearly my avoidance of the office is because of Arianna. I know I have to deal with Alex later tonight, so emotional turmoil is unavoidable, but I don’t know how much my heart can take.
Arianna was never going to let us be together, not while she wants him for herself. All I have to hold on to is her promise to not intervene with Alex’s life; to allow him to make his own choices. Although it makes me sick with jealousy to think of him with someone else, just the thought of him happy and free of her is satisfaction in itself.
But now her claws are dug into someone else…me. Not only is she trying to make decisions in my life, she’s trying to play matchmaker by bringing Oliver to Las Vegas. I’m not saying that Oliver isn’t attractive and I can’t say that he’s completely incompatible with me. But, I can’t fathom being with anyone else, not while my heart is consumed by Alex. He’s the only man who’s ever made me consider a future and a family.
Shaking the cloud of dreadful feelings, I make my way to the bedroom to get dressed for the day. A simple white button up with fitted cream colored slacks will have to do. Tucking in my shirt, I slip on my black heels before grabbing my laptop and purse and leave my apartment.
~~~~~
Returning home after my day of meetings, my mood darkens. All day long I’ve been thinking about what to do with Alex. Can I let him go, knowing he’ll take a part of me with him? He’ll have my heart forever, no one can change that. But, unless I can figure out an alternative that Arianna hasn’t already thought of, I’ll have to adore the only man I’ve ever loved from a distance. Grabbing my constricting chest, it’s hard to breathe. I have a month, a month to figure out a way for us to stay together without Arianna seeking her vengeance.
Changing into low cut jeans and a white t-shirt, I settle in on the couch. Desperately needing a nap after a night full of horrific nightmaress, I nuzzle against my couch cushion and grab a blanket to protect me. Attempting to close my eyes and seek slumber, my eyes well with tears of grief instead. My heart aches at the thought of Alex leaving. I wish I had enough guts to pack and go with him, but where would that get us? A month of bliss for a lifetime of misery? Alex needs his career, not only for himself, but for his grandmother. Although the beginnings were immoral, his career is the one thing he’s proud of, something he felt he accomplished. I can’t take that away from him.
I peek up at the time and see that it’s a little after eight. Can I do this? Wiping the tears away, I pull myself up and look to the heavens for a sign of what to do. Mom, Dad, help me?! I love him, a love I know you both shared. Please tell me what to do. With my plea, I receive no words of wisdom or flashing clues. Knowing they are with me is the only solace I receive as I grab my keys and head off to meet the end.
**********
“What happened to us? How did we get here?” I’m brought back to the present. The looming questions at hand linger in the smoke filled air as Alex stares at his empty shot glass. I look around the bar, searching for a sign on how to answer the prolonged questions. How did we get here? In every way possible, Alex and I are perfect for one another. If it wasn’t for my deal with the devil, then I would give into him. I would let him take me home and make love to me. We would forget our pasts and just lose ourselves in one another.
Instead, here we are. Alex is hours away from leaving for a month and I’m left baring the burden of loving a man that I cannot be with. It shouldn’t be this way. Love should prevail. It should always prevail. I guess not when you have a sugar momma for a CEO and an ex-gigolo for a boyfriend. Ouch!
“We got here because we started something we should’ve known was doomed from the start.” My words reek with despair and failure. It’s going to take a whole hell of a lot more than that to convince him that I don’t want to be with him.
“How can you say that? After everything we’ve been through. Elyssa, I love you. You love me. What happened to that?” We’ve had so many trials and tribulations throughout the past month, enough to last a lifetime. And through them all, we’ve remained in sync. In love. But love isn’t enough. Love won’t give his grandmother the care she needs and it definitely won’t give him the career and lifestyle he deserves. Although Arianna is the devil in carnet, she also gave him opportunities in life; opportunities I would never be able to provide him. Opportunities he deserves.
No, he has to believe what I’m telling him is the truth. I have to give him this much; if only for the month. But, he has to know that our relationship wasn’t all heartache and sordid pasts. He has to know how I feel about him. He’s touched my life in a way I never thought possible and for that I’ll bare my soul to him one last time; at least to give him the reassurance that our time together was the best time of my life. Something he can hold onto until I figure all this shit out.
With a sigh I begin, “Alex, I love you.” My words shock him, his eyes widen. “I know I haven’t told you for the past couple of days, but I do. I always will.” Opening his mouth he begins to interrupt me, but I have to get this out before I’m shattered. Holding up my hand, I urge him to allow me to continue. “Being with you…I’ve had the most incredible experiences. I never imagined feeling for anyone the way I feel for you. I used to think love was a thing for fairytales, but you’ve given me more love in the past few weeks than most people experience in a lifetime. For that, you will always have my heart.”
“Why does this feel like you are saying goodbye?”
“Because you’re leaving. So much can happen in a month.”
“Elyssa…nothing has to happen. We can still be together. I’ll call every day. We can visit each other on the weekends. A month shouldn’t make you give up a lifetime with me.”
Unable to fight back the tears, small droplets escape my eyes as I reach for a napkin. Blotting away the tears, I stumble on my words. “Alex, I…”
“Don’t…whatever you’re about to say, just don’t. I’m not giving up on us. I choose you. My mind is made up. If you don’t want me to go, just say it. I’ll call Arianna right now and tell her to send someone else.”
I told Arianna he wouldn’t give up. I told her he’d fight for me.
“That’s what I’m worried about, Alex!” My voice elevated. “I can’t let you give up everything you’ve worked so hard for. You have other responsibilities besides me, don’t you understand?”
“I know my responsibilities. I know I have to think of my grandmother, but I can do something else. We don’t have to end things. Isn’t a month of separation worth a lifetime with me”
“I’d never be able to live with myself if you made a decision you’d end up regretting. You’re making careless mistakes and they’re all because of me.” Trying to calm myself down, I reach for the ring on my middle finger. My one solace in all of this is the memory of my parents. I need to try and keep myself in check, to make sure he knows we can’t happ
en. At least not right now.
“Alex, let’s just call this month what it is…a break. When you come back, we’ll figure out where we are.”
“Damn it, Elyssa! I don’t want a break. I don’t want a day to go by that I don’t talk to you…that I don’t get to see your smile…that I don’t get to love you.”
How do I tell him I’ll be here when he gets back? I’ll figure out a way, he just has to trust me. “Alex even if we’re on a break, I’m not going to be with anyone else. Do you really think I could go from having you, my perfect complicated man, to settling for another? I would rather spend a lifetime alone than to pretend with someone else. I need you to focus on what you have to do, instead of worrying about us.” Let me worry about us.
Alex looks bleak as he sits in defeat, not knowing what else to say. Both of us stare at our separately clasped hands resting on the tarnished table, only inches apart. I want nothing more than to reach over and hold him, to assure him of my feelings, but I can’t. Instead, we stare. Both depleted of any words, we are left gazing into each other’s eyes.
Breaking our connection, I see Alex rest his eyes on the luggage I hadn’t noticed before. “I took a cab here, hoping you would bring me to the airport or that you’d ask me to stay.”
With clenched teeth I lift my head to the ceiling, unable to hold back the stream of tears. I want him to stay, more than anything. I don’t want him getting on the plane, going to New York, or leaving me here to struggle without him. I want him to stay. My heart beats faster. I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay strong enough to get through this night.
We both stand, and as Alex bends down to grab his luggage, I reach out and caress his arm. His flight isn’t until midnight, and I need more time with him; time to prepare for his absence. Time to remember every detail of him, his arms, his body, his mouth. Time to remember how it felt to be loved by him, before I’m left alone once again.
