Don't Break This Kiss (Top Shelf Romance Book 5)

by Jessica Hawkins

  “Yeah, you are. For now. But this is my life, Liam. This happens sometimes. This is sort of what I’m used to. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. Maybe you should just go.”

  Liam stood up then, keeping his hand on hers as he hovered over her body and narrowed his eyes. “No. Others may have left. I’m not.” That made her flinch, and she closed her eyes, sucking in a deep breath.

  “I’m sorry. But that’s the truth. I’m not leaving. And I know others in your life left, you told me that. And I get it. Sometimes, things are hard. But I’m here.”

  “It was easier for others to go before,” she began, licking her dry lips. She felt better, much better than she had before, but she still just wanted to get this over with. She did not want it to hurt anymore. Not only her body but also her soul.

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  “I have friends, you know. A lot of friends. Or at least a good circle. But I kept having to say no to dinners and going out. They all went to Disney once, and I had to say no because I wasn’t feeling well. Because I knew if I was out in the sun for four days in July in Florida, I would feel like crap, and it would be worse coming home. I had to say no to birthdays because I wasn’t feeling well. Or if I went when I wasn’t feeling well, people got a little sad or annoyed that I was quiet in the corner. That I wasn’t being my normal, peppy self. I’m not always sick. Well, that’s not true. I am, and I will always be sick. But I don’t always have symptoms. And that’s the difference. Nine times out of ten? I feel okay. Like there’s nothing wrong except some aches. I feel like I could run a half marathon. Okay, maybe not. Maybe just down the block.” She smiled, and Liam grinned, even though it didn’t quite reach his eyes all the way.

  “And then they left?” he asked softly.

  “Yeah, they did. It just… After a while, they stopped asking me to things. Why would they keep doing it if I was just going to say no? Some people moved on, some moved away. Those all started families and got married and had entire lives of their own. It was easy not to look back and think of me. Even Josh.” Arden swallowed hard.

  Liam glared. “Josh?”

  “My ex. We were pretty serious for a while. At least, I thought we were. But he didn’t want a broken bird, as he called it.”

  “Where is he, and can I kick his ass?” Liam growled.

  “No need. My brothers tried to already, but then I pulled them away.”

  “Why did you do that?”

  “Because I don’t want anyone going to jail for me. But, Liam? It’s hard to be my friend. Or whatever we are since we’re not actually doing labels.” He didn’t laugh. “It’s tough.”

  “Life’s fucking hard. Friendships are difficult. And I don’t know what we are to each other. Because that’s not something we’ve talked about yet. And it’s not something we’re going to talk about right now because you’re in a hospital bed, and I’m pissed off. So, yeah, life is hard, but I’m not going anywhere.”

  “But you have to work.” Now she was grasping at straws. “But, seriously.”

  “Seriously, I can write the damn book sitting next to you.”

  “But my brothers will be here. You don’t have to stay.”

  “I feel like you’re pushing me away. And I don’t like it. You don’t want me here because you are just fine without me and you’re kind of tired of me? That’s one thing. But you pushing me away because you’re afraid I’m going to walk away? I don’t like that. And so what if your brothers will be here? Fine. I’ll be here, too. All of us will be. We’ll deal with each other, and we’ll make you laugh. And then when you go home, we’ll make sure you’re settled there, too. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Arden’s jaw tightened, and she wondered what she was feeling. Because she wasn’t sure if this all meant that Liam wanted more with her. Or was he running from something?

  By the way he was acting, given how they had been very careful not to talk about what that major thing in his life was, she was really afraid this wasn’t just about her.

  “What are you running from?” she whispered. He sighed.

  Well, then.

  It wasn’t just her.

  “I want to be here. But, yeah, I guess since you’re here, and I am too, I suppose there’re a few things I should tell you.”

  “Okay. If you’re here, and I’m here, too.”

  She hoped she didn’t break in the process of him telling her.

  Chapter 15

  Liam leaned back in the chair just for a moment before giving Arden’s hand a squeeze and then standing up. Not only to stretch his back after sitting in that chair for hours now but because he needed to think. He might as well tell her. Might as well get her mind off what was going on with her. Plus, he wanted to tell her. He needed to. Even though he didn’t know what that meant.

  Because the fact that he needed to talk to her just told him that maybe she wasn’t only a distraction.

  Hell, he was sitting by her side while she was in a hospital bed, worried as fuck that something else could go wrong, or that she wouldn’t make it. Or would be in so much pain, that he wouldn’t be able to do anything. As it was, he couldn’t do anything.

  He hated seeing Arden in pain.

  And he knew this wasn’t a distraction. She wasn’t a distraction.

  So, he was going to tell her. Because he had to. Because he wanted to.

  “Do you remember the first time we met?” he asked, trying to figure out where to start. Might as well start at the beginning.

  “Yes,” she said cautiously. “I mean, it was pretty similar to where we are now.”

  “Yeah.” He let out a rough chuckle. “I really wish it wasn’t so similar.”

  “At least you’re not in a hospital bed,” she said, trying to sound a little happier, more energetic than she probably was, at least that’s what he figured from the tone of her voice.

  “You don’t have to be brave with me,” he whispered. “And I’d rather it be me in that bed than you. Any day of the week. I’d rather it be me.”

  Tears filled her eyes, and she blinked them away, so he leaned over and ran his thumb over her cheek, careful not to touch her too hard. He didn’t know how her skin felt today. For all he knew, just the barest brush would hurt her. But she didn’t flinch. Instead, she smiled and leaned into his touch ever so slightly.

  “If I’m honest, I’d rather it be neither of us. But don’t worry, Liam. I’ve been here before. I can handle it.”

  “You shouldn’t have to handle it,” he growled and stood up again, needing to pace. “But I’m getting off track,” he said and then let out a sigh.

  “Okay. Talk to me.”

  She was too good for him. That much he knew. But he didn’t have time to think about that. Didn’t want to think about it just yet. “Okay, where was I?”

  “Our first meeting.”

  “Yeah, in the hospital. So, when we got home after that, my family was all at my house, and it turned out that we needed some paperwork or something. I don’t really know the details, and I think Ethan actually took care of everything for me.”

  Liam pinched the bridge of his nose. “Yeah, my brother took care of it for me. Because he’s good like that. Because I’ve had my head so far up my ass recently, I couldn’t even take care of my own medical shit.”

  “My brothers take care of things for me, too. Sometimes, I just have to sign. But I let them. Because I trust them.”

  It felt like a dagger to the heart, and he swallowed hard. “Yeah, I trust Ethan. And Bristol. And Aaron.” He rubbed his jaw. “And up until that day, I trusted my parents, too.”

  Her eyes widened. “What happened?”

  He was just going to blurt it out because, hell, this lead-up was killing him. “Well, I needed a birth certificate for something. And, apparently, the man I thought was my father my entire life that made me a Montgomery? Yeah, not so much. Not my father. Instead, it was some guy named Steve.”

  Liam told her the whole story about
the breakup, but she didn’t laugh at the Friends joke. But then again, neither had he. It hadn’t been funny before, and it wasn’t now. Maybe one day. He just didn’t know when. He told her how he’d been acting, how he hadn’t talked to his mother since he got the news. And how his dad had shown up at his place. His dad.

  Yeah, Timothy was his dad. That wasn’t the part that hurt. It was the lying. And when he said that, Arden reached out her hand. He took her palm, giving her fingers a gentle squeeze. He didn’t want to hurt her. But he had a feeling he was going to anyway. That’s what he’d been doing recently, after all. Right? Hurting those he cared about.

  “I’m so sorry. That’s just…that’s insane, Liam.”

  “I know, right?” He let out another chuckle and then sat down in the chair beside her bed so he could keep his hand on hers.

  “So, that’s why you didn’t call. Right?” She looked like she was embarrassed for asking, so Liam was truthful. “Yeah. I would have called.” He paused. “I liked you in that hospital bed—that’s not what I meant,” he said quickly as her eyes widened. He shook his head. He was fumbling this. “I meant, I liked you when I met you. I didn’t like the fact that you were in a hospital bed. Hell, for a man who uses words for a living, I’m not doing very well today.”

  “Well, I don’t think you’re supposed to when something like that makes you go off-kilter. At least, not in my experience. When I’m in pain or when something else comes at me? I pretty much suck at the whole word thing.”

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do, Arden,” Liam said honestly, looking down at their joined hands. “But I guess I have time. I just wanted you to know why my head’s been out of it, and why I’ve been off. But, considering that I’ve been off the entire time you’ve known me, maybe you didn’t realize that.”

  Arden frowned and rolled over to her side a bit. Liam reached out as if to help her, then stopped.

  “You need me to call someone?”

  Hell, he didn’t know what to do. She was hurting, that much was clear, and he didn’t know how to help her.

  “I’m fine. Well, as fine as I can be. I was just getting more comfortable. Or trying to. I’m not in excruciating pain or anything. Promise. I’ll let you know if I need help. But back to our discussion, I figured something was wrong. Plus, you told me that something was going on. It’s fine that you’re figuring things out. As you can tell, I have a few things to figure out, too.”

  “So, how about I stop worrying about my problems and just try to help you? Because I feel like a selfish bastard for talking to you about my issues when you’re sitting here in a hospital bed with an IV attached to your arm.”

  “No, I’m glad you told me. I’m happy that you trusted me enough for that.” He watched as her throat worked when she swallowed. “But I don’t know what to say other than, I’m sorry. And I’m here for you. And I’m glad that you talked to your dad. Are you going to talk to your mom?”

  Liam didn’t say anything for a moment, just ran his thumb over her hand and took in the softness of her skin as he touched her. “I will. I’m not…I’m not angry about the idea of what happened. Does that make sense?”

  “It does.”

  “I’m not upset about how it happened, at least the things in the past. I’m just angry about the lying.”

  “And that’s not all of it, is it?”

  She asked the question softly, but he snorted. “No, it’s not all of it. And I know it’s stupid. I know that I am my siblings’ actual brother. I know that I’m a Montgomery. I have the last name, after all. That’s always been my name. And I know that people are adopted and marry into families all the time these days and they are always family. It’s just…it’s like I lost a part of myself. And I know I should just get over it, but I need time. I just don’t know what to do in the meantime.”

  “Well, you’re still hanging out with your brothers and sister. And you talked with your dad. Maybe once you talk to your mom, it’ll make sense?”

  “I’m afraid of what I might say when I talk to her. Because I don’t want to hurt her. I love my mom. I can just be angry at the same time. You know?”

  “I know. I hate that you’re in pain at all.”

  “I would say ditto, but that would be kind of redundant. Let’s stop talking about me so we can talk about you.”

  “Let’s not. I’m sitting here with yellow skin, sweat probably all over me, and I feel like crap. Let’s pretend that we’re sitting on a beach somewhere drinking mojitos and enjoying the nice air on our skin.”

  Liam looked at her then and felt something inside him tug. He hadn’t wanted to feel that. Hadn’t wanted anything like that.

  Distraction.

  But, hell, she hadn’t been only a distraction in far longer than he cared to admit.

  He couldn’t help that tug. She was just so damn strong, so…Arden no matter what happened to her. So, he reached out and cupped her face. “We can do that. Just imagine the music playing, and the waves hitting the beach, lulling us to sleep as we nap under an umbrella. Because I really don’t need a sunburn.”

  That made her laugh, and he laughed with her, and then they talked about nothing. Because all the important things had been said, at least the important stuff for right then.

  Once Arden finally fell asleep, Liam extracted his hand and tried to focus.

  It was hard to. Because there was so much going on. And even though parts of him wanted to be selfish about it, he couldn’t.

  Because Arden was more important than any weirdness he might be feeling.

  And that fact stunned him more than he thought possible.

  There was a sound outside the door in the hallway, and Liam turned to see Cross standing in the doorway, frowning. The other man tipped his chin, and Liam stood up, taking one last look at Arden before he walked out to follow Arden’s brother.

  He had seen the other Brady siblings throughout the day, but they had been in and out, dealing with their own shit and, apparently, trusting Liam enough to take care of Arden. He was happy that they did that, but he had a feeling they were only giving him the reprieve for a moment. They loved their sister to the ends of the Earth, just like he loved Bristol and the rest of his siblings. He knew that they weren’t going to give him the time alone for long. And he didn’t mind that. Not when Arden needed her brothers, too.

  “She asleep?” Cross asked, taking one of the seats in the hallway.

  Liam took the chair next to him and nodded. He stretched out his legs, wincing a bit since his back wasn’t really enjoying all the sitting in those chairs for so long.

  “Yeah, she’s tired, but she’s going to be okay.”

  “No, she’s not,” Cross said. “Let’s go for a walk.” And then he got up quickly, and Liam followed him.

  Okay, then.

  “What do you mean she’s not going to be okay?”

  “Oh, these symptoms will go away. They’ll find a new drug to help, and she will be back to her normal Arden self soon. Sometimes, she’ll be a little tired, but most of the time, she’ll be fine. For the most part. She won’t look sick because that’s how it works. It’s an invisible illness for a reason. But she is sick, Liam. I don’t know if you get that.”

  Liam frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. “Excuse me?”

  “No, wait, you don’t get to be angry. She’s mine to protect. Our parents aren’t here, but they’ll be here in a minute if we need them. They just know that my brothers and I can take care of our baby sister. And they know that no matter how many times they drop everything to come here, it won’t be the last time. And every time that Arden sees them do that, it breaks her a little bit. So, we try to give her space, even though she doesn’t think we do. But Arden is sick. And it’s not going away. There’s no cure for lupus.”

  “I know that.”

  “I don’t know that you do. Because other than days like today? She can go out and run and enjoy life. She can hike mountains, albeit a little slower than
she’d probably like. Though mostly because she doesn’t really enjoy running or hiking.”

  Cross laughed, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “She can eat what she wants and have a blast for the most part. And then it starts. A little twinge here, a little ache there. And then she’s not okay anymore. But people keep telling her that she doesn’t look sick.”

  “She sure as fuck looks sick now,” Liam growled, getting pissed off.

  “Yeah, because this is the outward signs of it. Because she’s in the middle of a bad flare and basically has been since we took her out into the sun that day.” Cross ran his hand through his hair and cursed under his breath. “Am I saying that if we hadn’t taken her out in the sun all day, even with a hat and all that sunscreen, that this wouldn’t have happened? I don’t know. Am I going to blame myself until the end of time? Fuck, yeah, I am. Because that’s my baby sister in there, and there’s nothing I can do for her. Do you get that? There’s nothing I can do to make this go away. I can only try and make it better.”

  “I’m getting that,” Liam said softly. “Because I had the same thoughts.”

  “Okay, then. So, don’t be here if you’re going to leave her.”

  The two of them faced each other in a hallway where there weren’t a lot of others, and Liam just stared. “You’re telling me to leave your sister?” He blinked. “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re saying to leave her?” He knew he was almost shouting and repeating himself, but…seriously?

  “Yeah. If you don’t think this can last, I am. You need to go. Because I’m not going to watch her break again because someone she cares about leaves her when the going gets tough.”

  “Who the fuck are you to say that?”

  “I’m her big brother. And, yeah, I’m an overprotective asshole. We all are. We’ve always been. She’s our baby sister. When she was younger? She didn’t have this. She was energetic and happy and spent as much time outdoors as she could. She thought she was going to do so much, but she didn’t get to do any of that. I mean, I think she’s done a lot. I think she’s done amazing things in her life, but somewhere in the back of her mind, I can see that she thinks that she hasn’t done enough. And it’s because of the lupus. Anybody with an invisible autoimmune disease will likely feel that. I’ve been to the message boards, I’ve been to actual meetings of family members who have their loved ones dying in front of them. And there’s nothing we can do. But I have watched my little sister lose too much already.”