Loving, Living, Party Going

by Henry Green

  'I don't kiss them.'

  'I suppose I'm being tiresome again, darling, am I? Never mind. Let's have a rest. No, don't kiss me again, please not, give my complexion a rest. Sit down here. I'll put my head on your shoulder and have a sleep.' She yawned and settled herself down, shifted round a little, shut her eyes, breathed deeply twice and went off at once. She always could whenever she wanted.

  As he sat there he realized he did not know if she was going to come or not. And if she did come out he did not know if she would stay or when she would get it into her head to start home which she might at any time. He realized without putting it into words he did not even know if he was glad she was going to come or sorry she was going to stay at home, he only knew that now she was here he would probably have to be with her wherever she made up her mind to be.

  She lay on his shoulder in this ugly room, folded up with almost imperceptible breathing like seagulls settled on the water cock over gentle waves. Looking at her head and body, richer far than her rare fur coat, holding as he did to these skins which enfolded what ruled him, her arms and shoulders, everything, looking down on her face which ever since he had first seen it had been his library, his gallery, his palace, and his wooded fields he began at last to feel content and almost that he owned her.

  Lying in his arms, her long eyelashes down along her cheeks, her hair tumbled and waved, her hands drifted to rest like white doves drowned on peat water, he marvelled again he should ever dream of leaving her who seemed to him then his reason for living as he made himself breathe with her breathing as he always did when she was in his arms to try and be more with her.

  It was so luxurious he nodded, perhaps it was also what she had put on her hair, very likely it may have been her sleep reaching out over him, but anyway he felt so right he slipped into it too and dropped off on those outspread wings into her sleep with his, like two soft evenings meeting.

  They slept and then a huge wild roar broke from the crowd outside. They were beginning to adjust that board indicating times of trains which had stood all of two hours behind where it had reached when first the fog came down. This woke him so that he started and this in turn woke her.

  Like someone who is lost she did not know where she had been and in the same way neither of them knew how long they had been asleep so that when, after stretching and asking him where she might be, she found she was in this hotel she thought they had slept much longer than they had. She told him they must get down to join the others. She laughed. 'They would never believe if we told them we had been asleep wrapped up in our clothes like babes in the wood,' she said.

  He wondered what it would be like to have Julia here in his arms to sleep on his shoulder for if he had only slept five minutes it was as though he had travelled miles. His sleep had made him forget the urgency of what Amabel had been.

  'Yes,' he said, 'we've got to go.'

  'What's the hurry?' she said, noticing at once how he had changed, 'they've waited all this time they can wait a bit longer.'

  But now he had become silent again and paid no attention to her. He smoothed down his clothes and straightened his tie while she lay back watching him. When he was done he came up to her politely smiling, took hold of her wrists and pulled her up. He did not kiss her, even when her coat fell open.

  'There are times I hate you,' she said.

  Alex had been left alone again with Miss Crevy when Amabel had changed into her fur coat to lie in wait for Max to take him off upstairs. If all this delay had tried the crowd beneath he now found it intolerable and he suspected she was doing no more than bide her time until Max should come back to take a look at her again. He found that when Max was not there to look she lost interest and would hardly bother to answer him when he complained of how he felt. And when people paid no attention to his feelings this made him talk of these the more, so much so it was like a man whose hand trembles trying to pour red wine into a jug, he misses it and that wine falling on the table, shows red no more but is like water.

  Pouring himself out as he did then, and faster because he was missing and more wildly he was so upset her jug was dry he got to such a pitch he stopped, humiliated, and wondered if she had even noticed, if he had even splashed some in. She gave no sign so that when Claire and Evelyn came back he began at once on them but this time he went further, he emptied all he had at once, and then more than he really had in mind. He tried to make Claire agree to give up the idea of going at any rate for today and, aiming better this time, went for her through her aunt.

  'I must say, darling,' he said, 'I don't see very well how you can leave her even if she is much better as you say.'

  'I'm not the only one to say so,' she explained, 'Evelyn, you thought her ever so much better, didn't you, darling?'

  'Really she's almost all right to look after herself. As a matter of fact' Evelyn said, and here she knew she was lying, 'you said didn't you, darling, that you thought it silly of thinking to stay behind for her.' Now Miss Henderson had never said this. It was true she had nearly said it. It was true she very much wanted to go today and that she was afraid if Claire had to stay that she would make her stay with her to have company when she was able to travel. You could make Robert Hignam do some things, he would carry messages, but they knew he would never stay behind because his wife had to. But Evelyn had never actually said it, at least she did not think she had because she had been too conscientious, too genuinely sorry for Miss Fellowes. Now Claire held the cup out for her to drink it was too much and she said 'Yes, darling.'

  'Well, you know best,' he said, 'though I must say this, I'd think twice myself of leaving her to the tender mercies of those two old ghouls. And anyway, her companion or her nurse, or whatever she is, has fits, hasn't she?'

  'My dear, what on earth has that to do with it?'

  'Nothing I know. I remember calling on her once, I can't imagine why, and she practically had one on the doormat in front of me. I was just drawing a deep breath to scream for help when your aunt came out and whisked her away.'

  'How awkward for you,' Miss Crevy said.

  'Yes, wasn't it? But you see what I feel about all this is that it's too insane to stay here and the only thing to do is to go back home, unpack all over again and forget until to-morrow morning that we ever thought of going abroad to-day.'

  'But, good heavens!' Evelyna said, 'what about the tickets?'

  'Well, if Max wants us to come he can send us some more. We might just as well face it,' he said, 'we shall never see either of them again this evening, they're making whatever it is up upstairs and it will take hours. It's hopeless now, I know it is. And then half the suburbs are stranded down below. As things are now and with the government we have to-day, don't laugh, it's a serious thing, they are bound to evacuate them before they run our boat train.'

  'Alex,' said Evelyn, 'you're being absurd.'

  'But are you comfortable here?' he said, 'have you ever in your life known such a frightful afternoon? We ought to be at Calais by now you know. And by the way, Where's Julia?'

  'She's upstairs with Max, isn't she?' said Miss Crevy.

  'No,' she said, 'Amabel's with him.'

  'Well, couldn't they both be there?'

  'Not possibly,' he said.

  'Well, all I know is Am went in there,' she said, pointing to that bedroom door, 'and I know she's still there.'

  'She went in to change into her fur coat and then they both went up. Evelyn and I saw them,' said Claire. 'I don't know where Julia can have got to.'

  'I don't care where anyone is,' Alex said, 'what I want is to go home.'

  'Then why don't you go?' Miss Crevy said.

  'I can't, can I? Here are all you girls with no one to look after you, Robert is always in the bar; I can't possibly go,' he said, and smiled, amused. 'What would you do without me?'

  'Really, Alex,' Claire said, 'you must be more careful. Why are you in such a state? And that's no reason for you to be rude.'

  'I'm sorry if I was,
but don't you see there's no point in just one of us having enough and going off, we want to make a gesture and all go home and enjoy ourselves for a bit after the frightful time we've had.'

  Miss Crevy said: 'You mean no one would miss you if you went alone.'

  'If you like, if you like,' said he. 'No, what I want is that we should make a demonstration.'

  'And what's the use of that?' Miss Henderson said, and turning out an enormous handbag she began counting over their tickets and reservations.

  'You've got the tickets?' he said. 'Why didn't you tell me? Why then the whole thing's simple, all we've got to do is to take them with us wherever we go to have a party, because we must have one to make up for all this, and make them come to us instead of waiting endlessly for them.'

  'I can't do it,' said Claire. 'I couldn't go away and leave my poor Auntie May.'

  'Really, Claire, that's fabulous,' he said. ''First you want to leave her behind when she's got no one but you and a maid who has fits, and then when it's a question of our all dropping her home you say you couldn't leave her.'

  'Alex, you're being impossible, darling.'

  'No, but why not do as I say and we'll all take her back.'

  'She's too ill to be moved,' Miss Henderson said.

  'Well, then leave her here then as you said at first. I take back what I said about those two old ghouls though they do sit like vultures round the dying—'

  'Alex!'

  'All right, I'm sorry—'

  'No, Alex, it's not enough.'

  'All right—'

  'Not enough to just say you're sorry every time.'

  'Well then,' he said, raising his voice. 'What do you want to do?'

  'Where is Robert?' said Claire.

  'What we want is,' said Miss Crevy, 'is for you to leave us alone.'

  'Even so you can't want to stay here.'

  'I don't know why not.'

  'Oh come on,' he said to Claire, 'it's a bad business all round, but don't let's suffer it in silence or in this sort of discomfort.'

  'I'm sorry, Alex, but I can't do anything.'

  'Evelyn,' he said, about to appeal to Miss Henderson when Julia came in looking rather mad.

  'My dears,' she said panting, 'they've broken in below, isn't it too awful?'

  Alex laughed. 'It would be too late,' he said. Everyone else asked questions together.

  'Why, all those people outside, of course,' said Julia, 'and they're all drunk, naturally. But what are we to do?'

  'Who told you?'

  'That man your Robert sent to find Thomson, Claire.'

  'Oh, my dear, I shouldn't believe anything he said.'

  'No, well he did seem rather odd about it and there you are. But what are we to do? Where's Max? Someone ought to tell him. Oh, what are we to do?'

  'Now, Julia,' Alex said, 'there's nothing to get all worked up about—'

  'No, darling, there really isn't,' said Claire, and he went on:

  'There's nothing to do, they won't come and kill us in our beds because we aren't in bed.'

  She turned away and stamped her foot at this, and Evelyn said: 'Now, Alex—'

  'No, seriously,' he said, 'they'll stay down by the bar if any have got in and they'll be got out of it in no time.'

  'Oh, but then they'll come up here and be dirty and violent,' and she hung her handkerchief over her lips and spoke through it like she was talking into the next room through a curtain. 'They'll probably try and kiss us or something.'

  'I'd like to see them try,' said Miss Crevy.

  'Now, Julia,' Alex said, 'you aren't in Marseilles or Singapore. You know an English crowd is the best behaved in the world. You'll be quite all right here.'

  She turned round. She was beside herself.

  'Where's Max?' she said. 'I must see him.'

  'And where's Robert?' Claire said, afraid for Julia.

  'Max is upstairs with Amabel, darling.'

  'Oh no, Alex, how revolting,' she said, and gave herself away. She blushed with rage. 'You mean to say she's taken him upstairs just when this has happened.'

  'Oh, Julia my dear, do listen to me,' Alex said. 'Don't let it all run away with you.'

  'I don't know what you mean,' she said, and became quiet with anger.

  'It's this,' he said, changing his ground. 'Please don't think these people are violent or anything, because they aren't.'

  'And how d'you know?'

  'Because they never are, they never have been in hundreds of years. Besides, if they have broken in as you say, well here we are inside and we can't hear a word. I mean, if they were breaking in down below we should hear shouts and everything. Robert would have come up to warn us. Really, you know, I don't think it can have happened. What I do say is it all proves we should never have stayed when we saw how bad this fog was.' He spoke to them all. 'That's all I've been getting at,' he said, 'and anyway it's obvious we can't get out now if we wanted to.'

  'Oh, why not?' said Julia.

  'But, darling,' Evelyn said, 'for the very reason that all these people haven't got in, because it is all so locked up that not a soul can get in or out.'

  'Then how did that horrible man do it when Robert sent him to get hold of Thomson?'

  'He's the house detective.'

  'No, he isn't,' said Miss Crevy.

  'And how d'you know?' he said.

  'I don't,' said she, 'but there aren't any in this country.'

  'You go into a young man's room in any English hotel and you'll soon see.'

  'Don't be so personal, Alex. Really, what we've had to put up with from you this afternoon,' Claire said, 'and coming on top of everything else, it's too much.'

  'Look what we've all had to put up with,' he said. 'Oh, don't let's squabble.'

  'You mean to say,' said Claire, 'you don't think there's any chance of getting my Auntie May out of here any more? But then what's to happen to her if she has a turn for the worse? Oh, where is that idiotic Robert? Look here, Alex, I wonder if you would mind so terribly going down and bringing him back up here, you'll know where to find him, and he's simply got to do something about my aunt. Really, I've done enough, haven't I, Evelyn? Would you mind, Alex?'

  'No,' he said, 'of course not, it's a good idea,' and hurried out.

  Claire began to explain him away to Miss Crevy. 'I'm afraid you'll think him very odd, but he's had such a miserable time at home for so many years that we're all used to his being extraordinary so that doesn't surprise us a bit now, does it, darling?' she said to Julia to try and stop her thinking about herself. 'Yes,' she went on, 'his mother died when he was ten and he was simply devoted to her,' and here she began to speak like the older woman she was to become, 'and then his father went mad and it took a long time or something, anyway it was absolutely exhausting whatever it was, and he has to go down and see him once every month wherever it is he's locked away. Then he has a sister that no one in the world has ever seen; she's got something the matter with her, too, and he's got very little money and he's perfectly marvellous about it, always paying out for them all the whole time, so that a trip like this means so much to him.'

  Miss Crevy was touched. 'I didn't know,' she said.

  'Yes, so we all make rather special allowances for him,' she went on, 'don't we, darling?' she said to Julia. 'It's all so miserable for him really, he hasn't had a chance.'

  'Why did we let him go? We'll never get him back.'

  'Now, Julia, do be a dear and don't fuss.'

  'But I am fussing. I'm fussing madly about my things. They'll run through my trunks and steal everything, and you know I can't travel without my charms.'

  'Well then my dear,' said Evelyn Henderson, 'what would you like to do? Do you want to go or stay? You can't very well get out there and sit on your bags in all that crowd, and besides you would get so cold. Now settle down, darling, and wait till Alex comes back with Robert.'

  'Oh, I know,' she said. 'I know I'm being tiresome, but I can't help it, you see, things get too much for
me, and it's so unfair of Max, who ought to be arranging everything for us, going away like this just when we want him most. That's why it suddenly seemed so fatal to let Alex go, we must have a man about in case those sorts of things happen.'

  'That's why I sent for Robert,' said Claire. 'I don't want to say anything behind his back that I wouldn't say to his face, but you know, Alex has been through so much and he's not one of those people who are made more useful by having had frightful things happen to them. In fact it always seems to me to have made him most frightfully selfish, as if after all those awful things he could only think of his own comfort.'

  'Yes, that's very true,' said Evelyn.

  'You know I think people so often go like that,' Claire went on, 'not that men are much use anyway, my God, no. Who is it has to get the cook out of the house when she's drunk, may I ask? But you have to have them around,' she said to Julia, 'but at the same time I don't count Alex as one of them, he's been through too much till somehow he's got nothing left.'

  Angela said it must have been rather awful for him, but perhaps he was one of those people who never had very much to start with.

  'Oh, no,' said Claire, too briskly, 'he's a dear and a very great friend of mine. In many ways you can absolutely rely on him; no, I can't really have a word against Alex. I know he complains, but he never really bothers one if you get what I mean. He's not much use at a time like this, but then who would be with us stuck the way we are, and my aunt in the condition she's in. Evelyn, my dear, don't you think we ought to go back to see how she's getting on, though sometimes I feel as though we bring back luck with us every time we go into that room. What d'you say?'

  'Shall I go?' said Evelyn.

  'Oh no, darling, I can't leave you to do all my duties. It's sweet of you,' she said, and they went out together.

  Julia thought how selfish everyone is, they go on bothering about their aunts and don't give one thought to how others are feeling. They were all the same, but Max was the worst, it was too low to be making love upstairs in the same room he had tried to pounce on her when they all wanted him and when there were thousands of things waiting which only he could settle. At this Miss Crevy, whom Julia was always forgetting as though she did not properly exist, spoke up and said: