Finding Abel (Rebel Hearts Book 1)

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  “Just like that?” I echoed softly, lifting my eyes from the grainy picture. “You think it’s that simple?”

  “No, nothing with Kat is simple, but I won’t stay with her just for the baby. All our lives would be hell if I did that. She got the insurance she needs, I married her. If she wants to suck me dry, whatever. I’ll give her whatever she wants.”

  “This is crazy,” I muttered, looking at the floor as I tried to wrap my head around what he was telling me. I looked back up at him. “Does your mom know what you’re doing?”

  He bobbed his head, a grimace distorting his face. “I told her this morning. She and my dad are the only ones who know. And you now.”

  “And Addie?” I asked.

  He shook his head. “I haven’t told her yet. She already hates Kat. I didn’t want any more drama, but I’ll tell her this weekend. She’ll be here tomorrow.”

  “And what do you think Kat is going to do when you try to divorce her? Do you think she’ll fight you for custody?”

  “Probably, just to be a bitch. I hope for our baby’s sake that she actually wants to be a mom, but she’s not exactly the maternal type.”

  “Lots of women aren’t until they have babies.” And she was going to have his baby. She was going to be the mother of his child. He may not love her now, but this would bond them. This would tie them together in a forever way.

  He shrugged, “Honestly, it doesn’t really matter to me. Our baby deserves a mother, but that’s up to Kat not me, and if she can’t or won’t, well I’ve got my mom and Addie. The baby will be fine, and I’ll be free.” His words carried a weight and implication I didn’t like. His expectant gaze bored into mine.

  I laughed dryly, “You expect me to sit around waiting for you?”

  He sat up straighter. “No but—”

  “Look, I listened like I said I would, and I’m glad I did. I get it. I understand, and I’m sorry you’re in this situation, but you got yourself into it, and it changes nothing, Abel.”

  “You’re right.” He scooted on the couch toward me. “It doesn’t change anything. I meant every word I said two months ago. I know I’ve fucked up a lot, and I will always regret leaving—"

  “Which time? You’re going to have to be more specific Abel, because there are so many times to choose from. I’ve had eight years of you showing back up and leaving again.”

  “And every time it was a mistake.”

  “I think it’s time for you to go, and don’t tell me you don’t know how. Walking away should be easy for you at this point.”

  The muscles in his jaw flexed, but he didn’t say a word, nor did he make a move to leave. He looked around briefly, eyeing my things, and then back at me. “Just tell me one thing, were you going to leave him? If I’d come back like I promised, would you have ended it with Jason?”

  I gritted my teeth. “Doesn’t matter because you didn’t. I’m with him, Abel. He’s good to me and I’m happy. The best thing you and I can do is let go of our past and move on. It was what it was, but it never should have happened.” And now I had to live with what we did that night. “We should have put a stop to this a long time ago. We’ve hurt each other enough.”

  “I never meant to,” he said softly.

  I leaned forward. “I know, but we can’t help it. That’s all we do. And we’ve made a big enough mess, don’t you think?”

  “Then let me fix it. There’s a reason we keep coming back to each other, that we can’t stay away. We’re meant to be together.”

  I sat back. “I used to want to believe that. I wanted to believe it so badly, but it was just an excuse to justify what we were doing. Can’t you see that? We’re not good for each other anymore. We haven’t been for a very long time.” This thing between us hadn’t been right since the first time he went to New York and broke what we had. It never went back together right. “It’s time.”

  “Time? Twenty-six years, Abbi. You’re telling me you can just throw away our entire lives together?”

  “I don’t want to throw it away, but it’s in the past. We were kids then. Innocent and naive to believe we’d be together forever. The real world isn’t like that. It’s messy and hard and complicated and maybe that’s why we kept coming back to each other. Maybe we were trying to find our way back to the way it was, but we can’t go back.”

  “Not back Abbi,” he slid to his knees in front of me. “I know we can’t change anything that’s happened, but there has to be a way for us to get past it.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut and sucked in a deep breath, letting it out. “There is, but not together. I can’t even think about it, Abel. I have a good thing with Jason.”

  He grabbed my hands. “Abbi, you and me, we’re more than something good.”

  “I’m sorry. I won’t wait for you anymore. I spent eight years waiting.”

  He squeezed my hands and touched his forehead to my lap. I wanted to run my hands through his hair, hold him and make it better, because his hurt was my hurt, but I couldn’t. I just sat there while the pieces of my heart I’d worked so hard to put back together time and time again, cracked and split apart. I squeezed my eyes tightly against the tears that threatened to spill.

  His hands let go of mine and I sucked in a deep breath as he picked his head up. “Okay,” he whispered and rose to his feet. I hung my head, staring at the worn carpet that needed replacing, as my eyes became blurry. I focused on breathing in and out even though it hurt to do so.

  “Abbi.”

  I lifted my head. He’d stopped at the front door.

  “I’m sorry for coming tonight. I mean, I’m not, because I think we both needed to say what we did, but I am sorry for causing you more pain. I’m sorry for being such a selfish asshole and putting you through this. I know I had no right.” He blew out a breath and his shoulders dropped. “Just be happy, Abbs. That’s all I want for you.”

  “I want that for you too.” My voice wavered and cracked. “I’m always going to love you, Abel. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t, I just can’t love you like that anymore.”

  He nodded like he understood, but I could see the misery on his face, and it didn’t feel good at all. I thought I wanted him to hurt like I hurt, but now I just wanted both our pain to be eased. “We’re forever, Abbs. Maybe not the way we thought we’d be, but we’re always going to be in each other’s lives.”

  I wiped at my eyes and nose. “We just have to figure out how.” Without the sex and pain and heartbreak and tears.

  He ruffled a hand over his already ruffled hair. “My Mom’s throwing together a last-minute birthday dinner for me on Sunday. You could come and we could start there.”

  “You really think that’s a good idea? So soon?”

  He shrugged. “Nash and Jesse are driving up from the city in the morning with Addie. You can even bring Coach Charming.”

  I snorted, “I don’t think dragging him to my ex-boyfriend’s birthday dinner is the best place to introduce him to everyone.”

  “I would’ve thought you’d brought him round to one of the family barbecues or get-togethers by now.”

  “Don’t,” I warned him. “If you want us to be anything, let alone friends, don’t weigh in on my relationship.”

  He held his hands up. “Okay, you’re right I’m sorry. Just please come.”

  “Why would you even want me there, Abel? I think time is the best thing for us now.”

  He squeezed the back of his neck and shifted on his feet. “I’ve never spent a birthday without you, Abbi.”

  It was true. Twenty-five of them and I’d been there for every one, but I didn’t know when I’d be able to look at him again and not feel this overwhelming sense of shame and loss and devastation and finality

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Okay.”

  When he left, I breathed out a heavy sigh and walked into the kitchen, straight to the fridge where I had a couple bottles of Corona Jason liked to drink when he was over.

  Se
ven

  Abbi

  I welcomed Saturday morning with a piteous groan.

  How many Coronas did I drink?

  I sat up and immediately regretted it as my skull began to throb. That’s when I remembered the wine at dinner before the beers and then the last remnants of a bottle of tequila I cried into after the beer was gone.

  Rough night was putting it mildly.

  Aspirin, I needed Aspirin and water. The walk from my bed to the kitchen had never seemed so far. Every step rattled my brain. I fumbled around the kitchen, retrieving the pills and a glass of water, which I downed at once and then I shuffled my butt back down the hall and crawled into bed with hopes that the next time I woke up, I’d feel a little less like something undead.

  I finally rejoined the land of the living sometime after noon. I would have slept longer if it hadn’t been for the dinging phone beside my bed. Damn thing wouldn’t shut up. Groaning crankily, I smacked my hand around on the nightstand until it hit the phone and I dragged it to my face.

  Lunch date with me and mom?

  It was from Addie. Guess she made it from New York. There were several more after that first one.

  ?????

  Where are you girl?

  Your butt better not still be in bed!

  Don’t make me come over there!

  Ugh.

  I got two words of my reply typed out before the phone starting ringing in my hand.

  “Just tell me I have time to take a shower,” I whined into the phone.

  “You sound like you’ve been making out with a pack of cigarettes, are you really just waking up?”

  “It was a late night.”

  Her giggle came over the line. “Did your Coach keep you up late running drills? Bet he drilled you good.”

  “Ha. Ha. Shut up, just tell me where to be and what time to be there.”

  She spouted out the name of the restaurant and told me I better be there in an hour. She hung up and left me scrambling out of bed. My leg caught in the sheet and I tumbled to the floor with a thud.

  Please don’t let this be a sign of how the day is going to go.

  I whimpered pathetically as I pushed myself up and hurried into the shower.

  Despite my efforts to hurry, I arrived at the restaurant ten minutes late. Addie and Aunt Jax were already seated outside. I doubted we had too many good weather afternoons left before the fall chill chased people indoors. You had to enjoy the sun while it lasted, and I for one was grateful for the fresh air. Now all I needed was a mimosa and something fattening.

  Addie immediately shoved back her chair and jumped up, squeezing me tight before I could take my seat. “I’m glad you came. I’m in serious need of a girls’ day.”

  “A boy or the job?” I asked knowingly, giving her mom a quick smile before lowering into my seat.

  Addie sighed dramatically, “Both. I was sort of seeing this photographer, and well we sort of broke up, so I got dropped from a shoot I really wanted.”

  “And by sort of seeing and sort of broke up you mean . . .”

  She looked at her mom. “Close your ears for a minute, Mom.”

  Aunt Jaxyn rolled her eyes and stood. “I need to use the bathroom anyway, so please be done talking about your sex life by the time I return, and maybe, just maybe,” she sighed, “please try to remember that I raised you to know that you’re a beautiful, intelligent, strong, young woman and your self-worth—”

  “Doesn’t depend on a man, yeah, yeah,” Addie droned, finishing her mom’s sentence with an eye roll. “I know that Mom.”

  Once Aunt Jax was out of earshot, Addie leaned close. “I was sleeping with him because I thought he was different. He was funny and charming, and so hot, like he could have been on the other end of his own camera hot.” I’d heard this story before, “But it turns out he was also sleeping with three other models at the same time, even though he told me I was the only one. I confronted him, and he dumped me, and I lost the shoot.”

  “I’m sorry, that sucks babe, but there will be other shoots, and you’ve got Fashion Week to look forward to.”

  She huffed out a heavy sigh and sipped from her water glass. “I know. And it’s my own fault anyway. I should have known better. They’re all players. He was so full of himself.”

  “Sounds like a serious dick.”

  She giggled. “And he definitely knew how to use it. That’s probably the reason I ignored my instincts.”

  “Addie,” I chastised. “You’re way too good for all of those douches you’ve dated. You’ve got to start thinking with something other than your lady parts, and stay away from the other models, and actors and photographers.”

  “I agree.” Aunt Jax reappeared and sank into her seat.

  “Yes, I know. Wait for the right guy instead of settling for the right now guy,” Addie said as if she’d heard it a hundred times.

  Aunt Jax pursed her lips. “Please don’t mock me. I waited for your father and I have no regrets.”

  Addie blew out an exasperated breath. “I’m not mocking you, but in case you haven’t noticed, the world and the dating pool along with it are going to crap. If I just sit here waiting for Mr. Right, I’ll be a spinster before he comes along.”

  Aunt Jaxyn’s mouth quirked into a slightly amused frown. “Maybe if you judged Mr. Right by the content of his brain and not the number of abs on his stomach, you’d have better luck.”

  “Touché,” Addie grinned. “I’m sorry, Mom, I know you wanted a nun and got me instead, but you can blame her partially.” She pointed at me.

  I frowned. “Hey!”

  “She and Abel were sneaking around doing it when they were sixteen, as if I didn’t know what was going on every time we were all home alone and they said they were going to ‘watch a movie’ in Abel’s room.” She made air quotes and my face turned the color of her cherry red dress.

  “Addelynn,” Aunt Jax chided, “I swear, between you and Abel, it’s a miracle my hair isn’t completely grey.”

  “That’s because you dye it,” Addie laughed.

  Her mother narrowed her eyes. “You’re lucky you’re too old for me to ground you.”

  Addie and I both chuckled and then the waiter appeared to take our order. Conversation continued with more teasing, and Addie dishing on her modeling adventures and her excitement over Fashion Week.

  “It kicks off on Thursday in New York, and then on to London and Milan and Paris. I won’t be back in the country until mid-October. After it wraps in Paris, a couple of the girls and I are going to head to Spain for a shoot and to take a little vacation. We’re going to need it if we survive the next four weeks.” She stabbed at her chicken salad and eyed my soup and sandwich. With a groan she said, “I swear I’m going to eat so many carbs in Spain. All of the carbs.”

  I laughed. “That’s why I could never be a model. Well one of the reasons. Besides the fact that I’m not tall and lithe like you are, and don’t have the face for it, I could never follow your strict diet for any amount of time.” I’d keep the carbs and my softer curves.

  Addie rolled her eyes at me. “Please, you’re gorge. You could definitely model with those eyes and cheekbones and pouty lips of yours, but some days I just want pizza so bad I ask myself if it’s worth it.”

  “It’s not,” her mom and I said simultaneously with a laugh.

  Addie pursed her lips and flung a piece of lettuce at both of us.

  “I’m only teasing,” her Mom said, picking the lettuce off of her blouse. “I know you love modeling, and I’m proud of your passion and determination. And will power,” she added. “As long as you’re happy, that’s all I want for you.”

  “Thanks, I think I’ll stick it out a couple more years, and then I’ll come work with you and Liz designing beautiful things for the younger models to wear, and I’ll never say no to another carb again.”

  We all laughed.

  “Hopefully I’ve managed to snag a man before I get fat on pizza and cookies and ice crea
m.”

  “I doubt even then you’ll get fat,” I said enviously. She had her mother’s delicate and slim build, but with height she got from her Dad.

  “At least you have boobs,” she shot at me.

  I shrugged. There was that.

  We finished lunch, and lunch turned into shopping, as it usually did when it was up to Addie. Abel’s birthday was the excuse, but somehow I doubted the new dress, shoes, purse, and earrings were for her brother. They weren’t exactly his style.

  “That dress isn’t going to look good on Abel. Plum isn’t really his color,” I commented as we left the shop.

  “And what are you going to wear to the party?” she asked, while we scanned shopfronts for where we’d lost her mom.

  “I don’t think I’m coming. Jason and I were planning to make one last trip to the cape before the weather turns.” It wasn’t a complete lie. We’d talked about it a couple weeks ago but hadn’t set any definite plans. I promised Abel I would think about the party, but after last night . . . we needed space. Space and time, and then maybe we could try the friend thing, but even then, I wasn’t sure it would ever work.

  “What? No! Boo,” Addie pouted. “You can’t skip the party. I’m only in town for two days. Go to the cape next weekend. Bring lover boy to the party.”

  “To my ex-boyfriend’s birthday party?”

  She waved her hand through the air. “Come on, it’s not like that. You and Abel are friends. If Jason’s threatened by him then maybe you should dump him. Besides, it’s not even about Abel.”

  “It’s his birthday,” I reminded her with a scowl. “And I’m not dumping Jason. He’s not threatened. I’m just being considerate of his feelings.”

  “We haven’t seen each other in months, and I’m going to be so busy starting next week, it will probably be months before I come home again. And trying to get you to New York is impossible.” There was a reason for that. I hated that city. What was so damned great about New York anyway?

  Her phone rang inside her purse before I could think of any more excuses. Shifting bags around on her arms, she dug it out and then excused herself to take the call from her agent. She sauntered off and then Aunt Jaxyn stepped out of the shop next door to the one we’d been in. She hauled her purchases over. “Where’d my daughter disappear to?”