All Access (Chasing Cross Book One) (A Brothers of Rock Novel)
Page 4
**
The car stopped in front of Jess’s apartment building. Jess looked at Johnnie and he kissed her. It was a gentle kiss, laced with enough romance that Jess opened her mouth to exhale and felt the urge to cry. It was as if Johnnie knew the waiting truths between them but wanted to ignore them.
Jess wanted to ignore them too, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t stand the idea of delaying her feelings and the potential pain that would come from watching Johnnie leave.
“I’ll get your bag,” Johnnie whispered and exited the car.
Before sliding out of the car, Jess took the contract from her pocket. She told Johnnie she would keep it, but it felt wrong. She felt like she was leading him on.
She saw Johnnie’s leather jacket sitting next to where he sat in the car. It felt terrible to do, but it would be a sense of honesty, a sense of reality that needed to happen. Jess slipped the contract into the inside pocket of the leather jacket. She patted it and took a deep breath, fighting so hard not to cry.
She climbed from the car and hugged Johnnie. His grip was strong and she thought about the cabin.
They should have just stayed there.
She should have told Johnnie to make Peter reschedule the photo shoot.
“I’ll call you when I’m done,” Johnnie said.
“How long?” Jess asked, her heart already feeling the loneliness creeping in.
“It’ll be the rest of the afternoon,” Johnnie said. “But we can get together tonight. You can come to my hotel. We’ll order expensive food. Some wine...”
Johnnie smiled and Jess couldn’t help but smile back at him.
She nodded and moved to her toes to kiss him.
When the kiss ended, Jess licked her lips.
She hoped it wouldn’t be the last time she’d ever taste him.
(21)
Johnnie grabbed his leather jacket and left the car. He took big steps and ducked down when someone yelled his name as he slipped into the back of the hotel. It was no surprise by now that Chasing Cross ousted themselves as still being in town. That was okay, it would only help the charity show they were working on. All the proceeds - tickets, autographs, food, drink, even the merchandise - would go to the cancer hospital in the city. It was the least the band could do since every one of them had someone close to them pass away from cancer.
A security guard led the way upstairs, talking into a radio, coordinating Johnnie’s return to his hotel room. At the landing of the second floor, Johnnie stopped and watched the operation.
The security guard looked out the window of the door. He opened the door, scanned the hall, and quietly talked to the other guards, to make sure the floor was clear.
Johnnie felt disgusted.
Is this what he had become?
He’d grown into this kind of figure, this kind of person. He couldn’t even walk into a building without security detail. He couldn’t take the elevator like a normal human.
Annoyed, Johnnie walked to the top of the landing and opened the door. The security guard hurried behind him as he walked to the elevator and pressed the up button.
“Uh, Johnnie...”
“Leave it,” he barked at the security guard.
The guard stiffened and kept his eyes moving.
When the elevator opened, two women stood and within a second their faces turned to shock. Johnnie stepped in and pressed the button for his floor. He knew the women would look and he didn’t care.
It took a few seconds but one of them finally spoke up.
“Are you...”
“Johnnie from Chasing Cross,” the other said.
“The one and only,” Johnnie said with a smile.
“You’re amazing,” the first woman said. “Your band... your music...”
“Not my band,” Johnnie said. “We’re a band. All of us.”
“Can you sign something?” the second woman asked.
“Sure. What do you have?”
Johnnie saw the gleam in her eyes and half expected her to pull her top down. The days of signing women’s bare breasts felt far behind him, not to mention the thought of looking or touching another woman instantly made him think of Jess.
Luckily, the women each had a ticket stub from the show the other night. Johnnie signed the tickets and took a picture, which he knew would be plastered on all the social networks before he could step into his room.
The elevator stopped and the women got off, not before the feistier one turned and whispered their room number to Johnnie. Johnnie thanked them, winked, and watched them rush off in a rock n’ roll fantasy. Maybe ten years ago it would have meant something, but not now. All Johnnie could think about was getting this photo shoot over with and going back to Jess.
Once in his room, he called for Peter who said he was on the elevator right then.
Peter came into the room with his hands in his pockets, eyeing Johnnie.
“Is that what you’re wearing?” Peter asked.
“Is something wrong with it?” Johnnie asked.
“The charity is formal...”
“You want me to wear a suit?”
“Wouldn’t hurt the image.”
“The image? I’m tired of hearing about the image.”
“Just offering advice,” Peter said.
Johnnie sighed. “What are the rest of the guys wearing?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are they wearing suits or their normal clothes?”
“Oh, Johnnie, sorry. This is a photo shoot for you.”
“Me?”
“Just you,” Peter said. “You’re going to meet the executives of the hospital, take some pictures, maybe stop in and say hello to a few of the patients...”
“But Chasing Cross is playing the show.”
“Exactly! We can’t have an army parading through a hospital.”
“It’s not an army. It’s a band.”
Peter moved to Johnnie and put a hand on his shoulder. “Listen to me, Johnnie. I understand this solo idea and song has you nervous, okay? But we’ve done this before. You’re the front man, there’s certain things you do on your own. You represent the band.”
“I don’t like that anymore,” Johnnie said. “We’re a band. We should do this together.”
“And you are. On stage. Playing the charity show.”
Johnnie shook his head. “I just...”
“Just what?”
Johnnie heard Jess’s voice in his mind. “Just nothing. Let’s get moving then.”
“Good man,” Peter said. “Let me make the call so cameras will be waiting at the hospital.”
When Johnnie returned to his room a few hours later, the only good he felt came from meeting the patients. For some reason he though he’d be meeting elderly folks, those who were on their way out of life. Instead, he met all ages, something that really touched his heart. Men and women, fans of the band, those wearing Chasing Cross t-shirts, those with the biggest smiles and hope in their eyes when he met them. It brought a sense of reality to him, and he saw himself wanting to do more to help those in need, those sick, those who couldn’t make it to a Chasing Cross show.
Rick and Danny were in Johnnie’s room, Danny standing in the kitchen drinking a glass of water and Rick on the couch fumbling with a guitar. Johnnie heard the sour note as Rick tried to strum a chord.
“Lift your pointer finger,” Johnnie said.
“What?” Rick asked.
“Look... your pointer finger. Pick it up. Why even use it? You’re laying it flat and it’s hitting the D string, buzzing. Just pick it up.”
Rick listened and strummed the chord again. It came across clear.
“Nice,” Rick whispered.
“Not a proper G chord,” Danny yelled.
“Coming from the kid who refused guitar lessons,” Johnnie said.
“No comment,” Danny said. He finished his water and walked through the living roo
m.
“What are you doing?” Johnnie asked.
“I came here looking for you,” Danny said. “Wasn’t sure if you disappeared forever with your girlfriend or not...”
“Yeah. I had to get out of here for a day,” Johnnie said. “This woman...”
“She’s everything,” Rick teased as he strummed the only chord he could clearly play on the guitar.
“Johnnie falls hard,” Danny said. “I bet he has cuts on his hands and knees from it.”
“It’s not like that,” Johnnie said.
“So, hey,” Rick said, “how was your photo shoot?”
Johnnie looked at both Rick and Danny. Danny didn’t seem to care but Rick had a little resentment in his eyes.
“Not really a photo shoot,” Johnnie said. “Just went to the hospital. Took a few pictures, met some fans. We need to go to the hospital as a band and play or do something.”
“Could have went today,” Rick said.
“Peter set it up...”
“He always does.”
“What’s your plan?” Danny asked.
The question caught Johnnie guard. He looked at his younger brother and knew he couldn’t lie or hide anything from him. His eyes were Johnnie’s eyes, the same bloodline flowing between them. “What do you mean?”
“For today? For the show? Are you staying in the city or going back to your secret hide away?”
Johnnie exhaled. “I’m here. I’m staying. Playing the show and then we should all do something together before splitting up.”
“Splitting up?” Rick asked.
“We have a month off,” Johnnie said. “What do you plan on doing?”
“Should we write some new music? I actually have an idea for a song... I’m still getting the chords down pat here...”
“You can’t write a song,” Danny said. “You can’t even write a check.”
“No,” Johnnie said. “That’s really cool, Rick. If you have an idea...”
Johnnie almost slipped, to tell Rick to bring the idea to him. But Johnnie held back. No. That’s not how it was. Johnnie wasn’t the one who approved songs. No. It was just that nobody else ever came to the band with a song.
“We can do whatever anyone wants,” Johnnie said. “I plan on going to my cabin again, longer than a day.”
“With your woman?” Rick asked.
“She’s not my woman. She’s a woman... that I care about. Yes. She’ll come. You guys can too. Hell, maybe we should write our next album up there.”
Johnnie felt wrong saying it, knowing that’s where he wrote the song that could take him away from the band. The song that Jess made perfect. And the song that wouldn’t stop playing in his mind.
“Doubt that,” Rick said. “I don’t want to get involved in your relationship.”
“No women,” Danny said. “We can’t write like that.”
“It doesn’t matter right now. We just have to get ready for the charity show.”
“We?” Rick asked. “Aren’t you going to make the set list?”
“Why don’t we wing it?” Johnnie asked. “We all pick a couple songs, let the people pick some songs.”
“Hey, taking requests that’s a good idea,” Danny said.
“Could work,” Rick said.
“Okay, I’m out,” Danny said. “I’m going to find food.”
Danny started to walk away and Johnnie grabbed him. He touched his brother’s face and smiled, remembering the first time Danny sat on the floor and watched Johnnie play guitar. It was not very good but it was Johnnie’s first audience... and the first time he wowed someone.
“Take it easy tonight,” Johnnie said.
“I plan on it,” Danny said. “I don’t think there’s any booze left in our rooms.”
Johnnie let his little brother go and when he looked at Rick, changing to a different chord on the guitar, he seemed a little drunk still.
“Are you okay?” Johnnie asked.
Rick didn’t look at Johnnie. “I guess I could ask you that.”
Johnnie took of his jacket and threw it to the couch. “I don’t know what I am right now. This woman... I’ve never had something like this happen to me.”
“Only a matter of time, right?”
“A matter of time for what?”
“Before one of the groupies sticks. You get enough of them.”
“She’s not a groupie,” Johnnie said. “I met her at a café.”
“Maybe that’s where I should start hanging out.”
Johnnie watched Rick’s fingers shaking as he couldn’t figure out the fingering for what looked like a D chord. Johnnie sensed tension within Rick so he didn’t try to correct him.
“Fuck it,” Rick said and tossed the guitar to the floor.
Johnnie winced but still kept his mouth shut.
Rick looked at Johnnie. “I wanted to go today.”
“I’m sorry, man, okay? I’ll talk to Peter. I swear I thought we were all going. If I knew beforehand...”
“What? You’d demand your way? Because you can do that. You’re the lead singer. You can do whatever you want.”
“No, I can’t. Rick, what’s going on with you?”
Rick shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m just... tired.”
“Quit partying then.” Johnnie reached for Rick’s knee and lightly punched it. “We’re not twenty anymore. Nobody expects us to get in trouble or get kicked out of the hotel.”
Rick smiled. “But those were the best nights.”
“Yeah. Calling Peter at three in the morning to pick us up and find a place to stay.”
“He’d fend off hotel managers and cops...”
“Remember when the label threatened us?”
“They wouldn’t have dropped us,” Rick said. “No matter what. We made too much for them.”
“We still do,” Johnnie said. His heart hurt a little as he said it. “And we will for a long time. That’s why I need everyone to be healthy and happy. That’s why we get to take these breaks. Not to sit around and ponder life, but to get out and live it.”
“I only feel good when I’m on stage,” Rick said.
“So get on stage,” Johnnie said. “Learn that damn guitar and we can get on stage.”
“You and me? And, what, play a bar?”
“Who cares? We’re fucking Chasing Cross... we can do whatever we want.”
Rick laughed and Johnnie felt the tension float from the room. He stood up and retreated to the kitchen to sigh. Everything just felt so mixed up and wrong. He almost wished they didn’t have the charity show. He could still be in the cabin with Jess. Things made sense there. Things felt good there.
“So, you really like this woman?” Rick asked.
“Yes,” Johnnie said. “In fact... there’s something in my jacket I wanted to show you guys. You can look if you want, just promise you won’t brag I showed you before anyone. Especially Danny. He gets jealous.”
Rick leaned from the couch and reached for Johnnie’s jacket. Johnnie smiled, wondering what Rick’s reaction would be like. It was something he picked up a long time ago, on the road. Something that came with a great story and something he had hidden for years. Johnnie may have been the front man of a band, a group of guys he thought of as brothers, but he had his own dreams and desires.
When Rick pulled out folded up papers and held them up, Johnnie saw three different versions of his hotel room. He tried to move but bumped into the counter, sending a surge of pain through his body.
“Shit,” he said. “Rick, wait a second on that... that’s not...”
Rick opened the papers, read them for a couple seconds, then threw them to the table.
“Is this a joke?”
“No, that’s not what...”
“A contract for yourself?” Rick asked. “You wanted to show me? But nobody else?”
“No, that’s not what you think.”
Johnnie didn’t understand how the hell the contract got into the pocket of his jacket. He gave it to Jess to hold. He wanted her to think about it. To really think about it. To understand what it could mean for herself... and Johnnie...
Johnnie froze, realizing what it meant.
Jess must have snuck the contract into his pocket. Her way of giving him the final answer.
“Are you going to talk to me?” Rick said. “Or is this it? Play the charity show and then break up the band?”
“The band isn’t going anywhere!” Johnnie boomed. “We’re in this together.”
“That’s why your name is on that contract, right? That’s why you went to the photo shoot today, right? That’s why you did the fucking phone interview, right?”
Johnnie clenched his jaw. He felt angry, sad, and annoyed. “You don’t understand... Rick...”
“I don’t understand? Make me understand. Looks like you’re cutting on the band.”
“I would never do that. Okay? I wrote a new song... and Peter heard it and suggested I release it on my own. I told him from day one it was missing something.”
“That’s where your girlfriend fits in?”
“She has an amazing voice,” Johnnie said. “I tried to tell her to record it with me. But not release it...”
“Don’t bullshit me, Johnnie,” Rick said. “You’re all grown up, aren’t you? Too big for the band now. Don’t like to party anymore. Everything is business and money. The same shit you didn’t care about ten years ago. All we wanted to do was play music.”
“And I still do,” Johnnie said. “What do you think I’m doing? I’m in that damn cabin, writing music. The rest of you...”
“What? Because we have a few good nights?”
“How many good nights in a row have you had, Rick?”
Rick laughed.
“Are you still having a good night right now?” Johnnie asked. “Your eyes are a little...”
“Don’t worry about me,” Rick said. “Okay? Just don’t. You want to sing on your own? You want to be some coffee shop guy, with your guitar and your girl, go for it. Doing it this way...” Rick pointed to the contract. “This is shit. And you know it.”
Johnnie had no response. It was shit. He should have never taken the contract from Peter. He should have never forced the contract onto Jess. He should have talked to the band... but he didn’t want anyone to worry. He didn’t want to put a wedge in the group. Not with Danny being his actual brother.
“And you know what?” Rick asked. “Peter... is an ass.”
“He’s the best manager out there.”
“Why? Because he waves money in front of your face?”
“No...”
Rick shook his head. “I gotta go, okay? I just gotta get out of here.”
“Rick, I’m not signing a damn thing.”
“Why? Because your girlfriend wouldn’t?”
Johnnie tensed and curled his lip.
“That’s what I thought,” Rick said. “I bet if she agreed to it, you wouldn’t have come back today. You would have faded away from us.”
“You don’t know a damn thing about me then,” Johnnie said.
“Maybe I don’t. But what does it matter? I’m just the drummer, right?”
Rick walked to the door and Johnnie wanted to just let him go. However, he fought his own ego and called for Rick.
“Don’t do this,” Johnnie said. “Let me explain...”
Rick didn’t look back. “You can explain it to the entire band. I’m not playing this game.”
“Where are you going, Rick?”
“To have a fucking drink, is that okay?”
Rick left the room and Johnnie’s heart sank. He stumbled his way to the couch and sat down. He never felt so alone and empty in his life. For ten years he had his band, his brothers, his music, his life. And now this. Because of a mistake...
Johnnie wanted to be mad at Jess but it wasn’t her fault.
He reached for the contract and the papers shook in his hand.
What the hell had he been thinking?
Johnnie tore the contract. It didn’t make him feel better, but he ripped it some more, turning the shreds into smaller pieces. Over the course of the next minute, Johnnie turned the contracts into nothing, throwing the pieces to the floor, to the table and anywhere else they could land. He grabbed his jacket and shoved his hand into the inside pocket and found what he was looking for.
He took it out and held the small diamond ring in the center of his hand. He stared at it and felt his emotions attack him.
A day ago he had it all.
And now Johnnie felt like hell.
Was it possible to have his band and his love for Jess?
(22)
Jess called Marie to let her know she was safe, sound, and back home. Marie wanted the dirty details and Jess wouldn’t give them. She let Marie ask and answer her own questions, basically coming up with the general idea of what happened in the cabin.
After hanging up with Marie, the first thing Jess did was hum Johnnie’s song. She refused to think of it as their song though. Recording a song with Johnnie? That was wrong. He had a band for that. The band should be involved.
Jess wasn’t a part of Chasing Cross. She was a fan, nothing more. She wanted to be a part of Johnnie, his heart and his life, but that didn’t meant stepping into the middle of a band. If there were problems there, it wasn’t her job to fix them or even see them.
The day moved on slowly, which usually would be appreciated by Jess. She had a lot of work to do on her next book. She wanted to get at least a quarter through a first draft plus have a full outline for the rest of the book. Her agent emailed her the plane ticket to New York and after printing it, Jess held it in her hands. It should have made her smile ear to ear. But it didn’t. All she could think about was the miles it would be... the miles upon miles that would take her away from Johnnie.
How long could it last?
It was an honest question that Jess had to ask herself. If Jess was in New York and Johnnie was on tour, it would become too much. Johnnie would be on stage, every night. Singing. Playing. Connecting with thousands of people. And then what? What if another woman just so happened to be in a café at the right time? What happened if he saw someone in the crowd that caught his eye? He was a rockstar. Jess knew that women would do anything to get close to him. To talk to him. To touch him. To have him.
She began to picture scenarios she wished she could chase away. She saw women in the backstage dressing room. But they weren’t like Jess. They weren’t shy or confused. They were confident, aggressive, putting Johnnie in a position where he couldn’t resist them... or himself.
By the time Jess put the plane ticket down, she had tears in her eyes again. Staring at the blurry laptop screen, she wouldn’t be able to write. She considered skipping to an emotional part of the book, maybe to capture the pureness of it, but face it, she really had nothing to run with. The book was more of an idea than something to actually work on.
It seemed like a couple days ago, life was simple and easy. Jess needed to write. Her agent needed to sell. And readers needed to read. A small cycle, one that was mostly satisfying, but something Jess could handle.
Now... it was a mess.
Everything was a giant mess.
All because of a cup of coffee.
No.
Because of Johnnie.
The song continued to plague Jess’s mind and she fought the urge to sing. That would just be something else Johnnie had taken from her then. She never thought of herself as a good singer. She never sang around anyone, so she had no other opinions. And she didn’t even mean t
o sing in front of Johnnie... he cheated her for that. He recorded her without her knowing...
The anger started to build and Jess found some small inspiration. Maybe she’d start her next book with a good murder. That’s a hell of a way to release some fury.
Her fingers touched the keys just as her cell phone rang.
Johnnie.
Jess closed her eyes. She could do this. She could ignore it.
When her hand reached for the phone, she shook her head. When her finger touched the screen, she bit her lip.
And when she put the phone to her ear, she said, “Hello?”
And just like that, Jess was sucked back in.
“Jess?” Johnnie sounded upset. “Jess... I need to see you...”
“Johnnie, I’m working right now.”
“You put the contract in my pocket.”
“Yeah. I did. I’m sorry. I should have talked to you...”
“Rick found it. Our drummer. Rick. He found it, Jess.”
The color left Jess’s face. Her mouth opened but she couldn’t find words or air.
“It’s not your fault,” Johnnie said. “Don’t even think it. But I need to see you.”
“Johnnie... I’m so sorry.”
“No. Don’t do that.”
“I didn’t know how to say anything,” Jess said. “I tried in the cabin, but you were so sure. I wanted to talk to you later. Or have you find it. I messed up.”
“No, Jess, I messed up. I shouldn’t have taken the contract. I shouldn’t have put it on your shoulders either. I shouldn’t have said a word about you singing... please, I need to see you.”
“I can’t come to the hotel,” Jess said. “Not with the band. Are they mad at me?”
“Only Rick saw it. I have to talk to everyone, but I need to talk to you first.”
“We are talking.”
“I’m coming to your place then,” Johnnie insisted.
“Please...”
“Jess. I love you. Okay? I love you. I’m not going to give up right now. On anything.”
I love you.
Jess closed her eyes. Her heart squeezed and felt satisfied. Finally. That’s what she had been waiting to hear. With love, anything could happen. The world could be a mess. It could crumble, fall apart, it could even end... but with love, it didn’t seem so bad.
“Johnnie, I can’t do this over the phone.”
“That’s why I’m coming over. So we can do it then. I need you right now.”
Guilt stung Jess’s heart. She couldn’t help but blame herself for whatever was happening with Chasing Cross. She didn’t need to put the contract in Johnnie’s jacket. That was done out of anger and spite. She hoped he would have found it and taken the hint.
“Did I break up your band?” she asked. She knew how childish it sounded but didn’t care.
“Like I told you before, it’s not my band,” Johnnie said. “And no, the band is not broken up. Rick is pissed, but he always gets pissed. I’ll talk to the rest of the guys later. But I need to talk to you first.”
“You shouldn’t have recorded me,” Jess said.
“That’s something I plan on apologizing for when I come over.”
Jess fought the urge to smile, loving the way Johnnie never gave up.
“Come over,” Jess whispered. “Just swear to me you won’t bring a tape recorder.”
“I swear on it.”
Jess promised herself that she could write while she waited for Johnnie.
Not a chance.
She managed half a sentence before standing up. After a trip to the kitchen for a drink she didn’t really want, she walked back into her bedroom, minus the drink. She touched the top of the chair and looked at the laptop screen.
Nothing came to her, so she retreated back into the kitchen.
The cabinets full of food weren’t going to solve the problem in her stomach right then. It wasn’t a hunger problem, it was a romance problem. Johnnie confessed his love and Jess needed to tell him she felt the same.
That was the easy part of it all.
The hard parts...
Jess blocked the hard parts, until she heard Johnnie knocking at her door.
She opened it and moved towards him, needing him. Her hands barely made it around his body before he started talking.
“I’m sorry I recorded you singing,” he said. “I violated your privacy. I just promise you that your voice is beautiful and it’s the exact thing that song needs to make it final. When I heard you, my mind didn’t think about your feelings. It thought of my own. What I wanted. What I needed. And I’m sorry about that.”
“Johnnie...”
“I’m not finished.” Johnnie walked with Jess attached to him. He closed the apartment door and stood wrapping his arms around her. “I wanted you to hear it and understand just how talented you are. You’ve yet to sound excited and confident about your writing. Maybe because when you read what you’ve written, you just don’t get it. So I thought if I could catch you off guard with a hidden talent, you’d see.”
Jess closed her eyes and squeezed Johnnie. She smelled him. She picked up hints of the cabin, if it were possible, and it took her back there. Drinking wine. Counting stars. Making love.
“And I messed everything up,” he continued. “Not you. I told Rick to check my jacket and he found the contract. I tried to explain but he was too mad. Rightfully so. And I think he was drunk.”
“Does he do that a lot?” Jess asked.
“Drink? Yeah. More than the rest of the guys. I’ll be honest... it’s worrying me. And I don’t know what to do.”
“Talk to him.”
“It comes with the territory,” Johnnie said. “And he has yet to mess up or miss a show. What can I do?”
Jess looked up at Johnnie. “You know, you refuse to call it your band, right?”
“It’s not my band.”
“What are they then?”
“The guys?”
Jess nodded.
“They’re... my brothers.”
“You’re brothers of rock then. If your little brother was in trouble, would you help him?”
“Of course.”
“If one of the guys were in trouble...?”
“I’d give my life for any one of them.”
“Well, you don’t have to give your life to help Rick,” Jess said. “You might actually be saving one if you did.”
“Right now, I’m more worried about us.”
Jess knew it was her chance. Her moment. She looked up into Johnnie’s eyes; the eyes of a man, a lover, a rockstar. Of all people to fall in love with...
“I love you,” she said. “I... love you.”
“Oh, Jess.”
They kissed at the same time, meeting halfway between a dream and reality. Jess led the way this time, flicking the tip of her tongue along Johnnie’s lips, savoring them. He smiled and pulled away from the kiss with intention burning in his eyes.
“What are you thinking?” Jess asked.
“I want to play guitar for you,” Johnnie said. “Right now.”
“I don’t have a guitar.”
“I do.”
Johnnie backed away and opened the apartment door. A second later a guitar appeared, one that he had leaned against the wall.
Jess started walking towards her bedroom and felt her face turning eight shades of red. Considering the circumstances, this was the hottest moment of her life. She had a gorgeous rockstar carrying a guitar, following her to her bedroom, to play. When she looked over her shoulder, she missed a step and stumbled, almost falling into a wall.
Once in her bedroom, she sat on her bed. She felt like she was in high school, sneaking the star quarterback into her bedroom for a make out session. Only now had much worse intentions that just a little harmless making out. She wanted to fu...
“Don’t get mad at me,” Johnnie said as he sat on
the computer chair.
He positioned the guitar on his lap and the second he strummed the first chord, Jess knew what he was doing.
She wanted to be mad but couldn’t.
Johnnie was playing the new song. To her. Live. One on one.
As he made it through the first verse, Jess couldn’t stop her body as she started to tap her fingers and move her head. It was just too good. The perfect song. At the chorus she licked her lips, wanting to sing.
When the chorus ended, Johnnie went back to intro progression and played it longer than it had been recorded.
“Come on, Jess,” he said. “It’s just you and me. Alone in your room.”
Jess stared at Johnnie.
“There’s no tape recorder,” he said with a smile. “It’s just music. It’s passion through sound. The ability to speak in a different language.”
Jess closed her eyes and nodded.
Johnnie played the progression again and started singing the second verse.
When Jess opened her mouth, nothing came out but she moved her lips as though she were singing. After a few seconds, her voice came to. It was low at first, very low. Johnnie continued, not saying a word. Jess wasn’t sure if it was confidence, love, or a combination of both, but her voice started to pick up steam and it didn’t stop.
She opened her eyes and realized that Johnnie had stopped singing. He just sat, his eyes wide in amazement, his fingers moving to the different chords as his other hand strummed.
Jess couldn’t stop. The chorus came again and Johnnie joined her. Together, their voices created something that made Jess’s skin shiver. She knew how good it sounded and in a sense of irony, she wished the song had been recorded.
Once the second chorus finished, Jess waved at Johnnie and the song came to a sudden stop.
“Jess...”
“I’d do it,” she said. “For you.”
“Do what?”
“Record the song. If that’s what you wanted. I’d do it.”
Johnnie smiled. “I’ll have to get approval from four other guys though.”
“No solo Johnnie?”
“Never,” Johnnie said. “We’re brothers. And we’re in Chasing Cross. That’s all that matters...”
“That what I was hoping you’d say,” Jess said. “I won’t come between you and your...”
“Don’t say my band,” Johnnie said.
“Your brothers,” Jess said. “I’ll be there with you.”
“Good.”
Silence reared its ugly head and Jess swallowed hard, knowing it was time to bring up the uncomfortable part of things.
“I have my plane ticket, for New York,” she said.
“I’m so happy for you. So proud. You’re going to be a huge rockstar author.”
“No, I don’t want that. I just want people to enjoy what they read. And keep coming back.”
“They will.”
That wasn’t the point Jess was trying to make. She had to be more firm, more to the point.
“I’ll be in New York,” she said. “And you’ll be... with Chasing Cross...”
Johnnie’s cell phone vibrated and rang. “Hold a second, I’m sorry.” He looked at the screen and frowned. “It’s Peter. I guess I have to talk to him about my decision too.”
“No time like the present,” Jess said.
Johnnie took the call...
“Peter... wait a second, what? What happened? He... No. I don’t believe it. Peter...”
When Johnnie ended the call a few seconds later, his face was pale white. He was visibly shaking, so much that Jess put her hands to his forearms and tried to pull him towards the bed.
He wouldn’t even look at her.
“Johnnie, what’s wrong?”
He blinked, staring at her wall. “Rick...”
“What happened? Did he quit the band?”
Johnnie shook his head. “He... he’s in the hospital. Jess, we have to go to the hospital.”
“Why?”
“He crashed his car. Into a pole. He was... drinking...”
(23)
Johnnie never really enjoyed being driven around. He wasn’t a child and could handle any vehicle he wanted. The years with Chasing Cross showed Johnnie that either he would be too under the influence to drive or that wild - yet loyal - fans would do anything to stop his vehicle for a picture or an autograph. Granted, most of that had subsided since then but Peter and the rest of the Chasing Cross Team wanted the band to be driven around when out on tour.
As he sat in the backseat of the car with his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands, Johnnie appreciated having someone to drive him. More so because it didn’t have to be Jess. She sat next to him, her hand gently touching and sometimes rubbing his back.
The guilt came in waves and Johnnie wasn’t sure how he’d handle it. In fact, if he felt this way any other time, he’d drink. Nothing like a couple shots of whiskey or scotch to take that edge off and make the guilt and pain go away. But it was just that activity that caused this mess.
Rick.
Johnnie knew he looked half drunk in his room. And then he left, to do what? Drink more? Get a car? Drive... crash...
“I hope nobody else was hurt,” Johnnie whispered.
“Don’t think like that,” Jess offered. “Let’s just get there first.”
Johnnie nodded.
He tried to remember when he first thought Rick had a drinking problem. Years, yes, and yet nothing was said or done. As much as Johnnie had wanted to assume it was the sting of the road, it had to go beyond that. Sometimes on the road, the loneliness between shows would get to you. Or at night, when everyone was asleep but you and the tour bus driver. Look out to the road and watch it fly by. House after house. Town after town. City after city. A new city in the morning, a new show at night, and then back to the tour bus. Once in a while it felt like a prison. Like a tunneled hell. And that’s when the bottle tasted best.
But what would happen if your entire life felt like a hell?
Johnnie clenched his eyes shut and cursed himself. He should have stopped Rick today or even a long time ago.
At the hospital, things became another fiasco. The driver stopped at the emergency entrance and the second Johnnie stepped out of the car, people started to recognize him. Jess thankfully stepped in, huddling against him with her head down acting as though she were in pain. Johnnie rushed into the hospital and met Peter who had a security guard there to escort them, privately.
Everything moved fast. The walk. The elevator ride. People calling his name. The security guard telling him how great Chasing Cross is. All Johnnie could do was stare and nod.
When he rounded the end of a hall, he saw the rest of the band standing in the hallway, their backs against the wall. They looked upset but not grieving.
“Danny!” Johnnie cried out.
He started to run and slipped away from Jess. He reached back and when he didn’t find her, he kept going.
Danny met Johnnie and hugged him. Chris and Davey joined next and they shared a moment of silence together.
“Is he...”
“Johnnie,” Danny said, “he’s fine.”
“He’s alive?”
“He’s alive,” Chris said. “He’s an asshole, but alive.”
Johnnie backed up. “What happened?”
Chris said, “He took one of the cars. Claims he was checking his phone and looked up and got confused. He swerved off the road, lost control, and hit a tree.”
“His phone?” Johnnie asked.
“Of all damn things,” Davey said. “A rockstar crashing because of a phone.”
“Was he drunk?”
“Not legally,” Chris said. “Close enough though. Probably still burning off last night.”
“No injuries?”
Chris, Davey, and Danny all looked at each other. “Not exactly. Why don’t you go i
n and talk to him.”
Johnnie had nothing against that. He hurried into the room expecting the worst. In his mind, he saw Rick hooked up to a ventilator, breathing life in and out of his body by the second. Instead, Rick was sitting up in a hospital bed, his head to the right, staring out the window.
“Rick... what the hell...”
“Don’t say it,” Rick said. “I fucked up.”
“Well, yeah. You did. But are you okay?”
Rick lifted his left arm, showing a white cast.
“Is that it?” Johnnie asked.
“My back hurts, but, you know...”
“You picked white because you want all the women to sign it with their numbers,” Johnnie said with a smile.
“You’re an asshole.”
“I am,” Johnnie said. “I blame myself for this.”
“Don’t. It’s not you, Johnnie. I’ve been a mess for a while.”
“Why?” Johnnie walked to the side the bed. “Tell me why.”
“Everything, okay?”
“That doesn’t answer me.”
“Johnnie, it’s just everything. The band. The tour. The life.”
“Talk to me about it then,” Johnnie said. He caught himself raising his voice and stopped. “Talk to me. Talk to someone in our band.”
“Our band...”
“It’s our band,” Johnnie said. He touched Rick’s shoulder. “It’s always been our band. That stuff with Peter...”
“That’s not my business. I’m sorry I saw.”
“I’m sorry too, but I need you to know what happened. I wrote a new song and Peter heard it. He thought it would be a chance to go solo. To play small places in between touring.”
“That’s what kills me!” Rick cried out. “I don’t want the break, Johnnie, okay? I want to play and never stop. I want to die on that stage. That’s why I’m learning guitar. I need more.”
“I understand. Rick, you’re a brother to me. I would never do a thing to hurt you or the rest of the band.”
“I don’t know, man, I saw that contract and it was like the last straw for me.”
“What were you doing?”
“Leaving. I got in the car and I was going to drive east. Going until the car ran out of gas or until my mind made sense.”
“Where were you really going?” Johnnie asked, reading beyond Rick’s lying eyes.
“I was going to go to a hotel upstate, find a liquor store, and kill myself probably.”
“Booze, man?”
“It makes everything good. Makes me think of when we first started. The cheap stuff we used to drink. Our first tour. The first single...”
“And it’s ten years later,” Johnnie said. “We’re all rich. We’re famous. We still tour.”
“Maybe there’s more to it then,” Rick said. “I don’t know. I just have this burning inside me. This empty feeling... and then we get on stage and it’s all gone. I look out to all those people and I feel at home. I see their faces, the way they move, how they sing every damn word...”
“Me too,” Johnnie said. “That’s when I feel at home too.”
“What about your girlfriend?” Rick asked. “Does she know that?”
“She understands it. I didn’t go out looking for her, you know. It just happened. It’s life, Rick, it just happens sometimes.”
“And I just happened to fuck up our charity show.”
“No, you didn’t,” Johnnie said. “We’ll play.”
“Without me?”
“We’d never play a show without you, Rick. You know that.”
“So what’s the plan?”
Johnnie smiled. He touched Rick’s face and shook his head. He thought about the first time he saw Rick. Some skinny kid with black hair on a skateboard with a pair of drumsticks sticking out of his back pocket. When Johnnie saw the drumsticks, he chased Rick down and asked him to jam.
“I should have known,” Johnnie said.
“Known what?”
“The first day I met you... you wouldn’t come jam unless I brought whiskey.”
“What can I say, I know what I like.” Rick smiled.
“Seriously, Rick, you could have killed someone. Including yourself.”
“I know,” Rick said. “I feel like an idiot because I wasn’t even legally drunk.”
“That’s a good thing or else you’d be in jail.”
“No, it’s not that. I deserve it. Why should get I lucky break?”
“Because when you’re not drinking, you’re a good guy. Keep it that way. And if you get lonely, write.”
“Write?”
“You want to play guitar?” Johnnie asked. “Learn how to write too. Hell, you may end up with some material yourself.”
Rick’s eyes gleamed for a second. “I was thinking, if you don’t mind a suggestion...”
“Rick, it’s our band, not mine. Suggest away.”
“The next album should be acoustic. Like what we did with “Chasing” the other night. That was amazing. Soft and slow, the lyrics driving the song.”
“Really? You’d go for that?”
“Of course,” Rick said. “As long as I could play guitar on some of it. Imagine an acoustic tour. Like Peter wanted with you. Smaller venues. Relaxed.”
“If you guys want something like that, let’s do it.”
“We have a month off,” Rick said. “We could... well, not now I guess.”
“Hey,” Johnnie said. “Be excited. Be confident. Practice guitar. Hell, go to an island and find a woman for a month. I don’t know. Just don’t hide in a bottle. I can’t do this again...”
“Neither can we,” a voice said.
The rest of the band walked into the hospital room. They all surrounded Rick’s bed. Brothers. Brothers in music. Brothers in life.
“I’ll break your legs next time,” Chris added.
“I’ll break his drumsticks,” Danny said.
“You couldn’t break a chopstick,” Davey said.
Everyone enjoyed a laugh.
Rick looked at Johnnie and Johnnie turned to the band. “Rick has an idea for an acoustic album... I think we should do it.”
“Really?” Danny asked. “What are you going to do, Rick?”
“Play guitar,” Rick said. “I’ve been practicing.”
“You know two chords,” Danny said.
“Cut it,” Johnnie said. “Better than nothing. We’ll figure it out, right?”
Everyone nodded.
“And while we’re talking... I have something to confess.”
“What? Are you getting married?” Chris asked.
Johnnie thought about the ring, still in his breast pocket, and smiled. “Not quite that far off the edge yet. But something came up... for me. I was offered a contract for a solo project.”
Everyone’s eyes lit up.
“I wrote a song and it was suggested I take it as my own. But I can’t do that. I’m sorry I even listened to an offer or saw a contract. You guys are my brothers and nothing will ever change that. I’m bringing the song to the new album. Our first acoustic album. But I have one catch with it. Something I have to demand.”
“What’s that?” Davey asked.
“My girl, Jess, she has to sing on it. You have to hear her voice. It’s like nothing I’ve ever heard before. And she has no clue how good she is.”
The band looked at each other, all gradually working themselves into a nod.
“There’s one catch with me,” Danny said.
“What’s that, little brother?”
“I have to be the best man at the wedding,” Danny said. “After all, I am blood...”
“Get out of here!” Chris yelled. “I’m the best man. When you and Davey are doing your guitar solos, who do you think Johnnie bothers? Me.”
“Wait a second,” Rick said from the hospital bed. “I’m the one who came up with the acoustic album id
ea. I’m the best man.”
“I didn’t propose to anyone,” Johnnie said. “Not even close. And even if I did... since when do we follow tradition? I’ll march four best men up there with me...”
Johnnie looked at each member of the band. When their eyes met, he knew. Blood may be thicker than water, but music gave life its soul. And with these four men, he had life, he had a soul, and he had brothers. For the rest of his life.
Add to that Jess, and Johnnie had love.
He had everything.
(24)
Johnnie closed his eyes and counted to ten. Why the hell was he so nervous? It didn’t make sense. He was never nervous. Not like this. Not before a show.
There was no call for this show. No intro song. No buildup. Just a casual crowd of diehard Chasing Cross fans waiting to see the guys play.
“Hey man, you cool?”
Johnnie opened his eyes and saw Rick standing in the doorway. His cast was littered with autographs and dumb sayings, most of it provided by the band. They each took turns writing their favorite memories of Rick. A couple really shouldn’t have been written for the world to see.
“I’m great,” Johnnie said. “Are you ready?”
“Yeah. I’m sure Eddie will do just fine.”
Eddie had been with Chasing Cross’s crew for five years. He handled everything with Rick’s drum setup and mics, and knew how to play every single song. He would sit behind the kit while the band played.
As far as Rick went...
“You’re okay to sing?” Johnnie asked.
“Why not? We’re in this together.”
“Brothers,” Johnnie said.
Five minutes later the band took the stage. The crowd roared and Johnnie stepped to the mic, waving his hands.
“Hey, keep it down,” he said with a smile. “This is a charity event. This ain’t no rock show...”
“Uh, Johnnie?” Rick asked into the mic a few feet away.
“What’s up, Rick?”
“It is a rock show...”
They smiled as Rick’s eyes twinkled. Johnnie knew he was at home, the only place meant for Rick.
Eddie counted off a four count and the show started.
While the beginning of the song played, Johnnie found Jess - and her friend Marie - standing front and center. Jess waved and Johnnie blew her a kiss. There was no way Jess was going to escape tonight without being there.
Especially because of something else Johnnie had planned for her...
Johnnie took the lead with the vocals and when the first chorus came, he backed away from the mic and pointed to Rick. He expected Rick to stumble or to sound like hell, some karaoke version of the song, but to his shock, he had found another amazing singer.
Rick didn’t just sing the words, he lived them.
So much so that Johnnie looked at Chris who mouthed Holy shit!.
Johnnie joined in for the chorus and slowly, he and Rick grew a chemistry, knowing exactly when to start and stop singing, when to join each other, and when to even share a mic and really get the crowd into it.
After playing for almost an hour, Johnnie called for a break and stepped to the mic.
“How about Rick here?”
The crowd cheered.
“Who knew he could sing...”
“Yeah, I kind of messed up my arm,” Rick said. “I crashed my car into a tree.”
Johnnie froze, unsure where Rick was going with this.
“You want to know why I crashed into a tree?”
The crowd cheered YES!
Rick winked at Johnnie. “I crashed because Johnnie called to tell me he was in love!”
The reaction was mixed. Some cheers. Some boos. Johnnie laughed it off, knowing that some would be jealous of him and Jess, no matter what.
“That’s right,” Johnnie said. “That’s right. Johnnie from Chasing Cross is a taken man. A happy man. A man... in love... and she’s here tonight. Do you all want to meet her?”
Again, the cheer roared through the small venue.
“Okay, Jess, you heard them...”