Still Surviving

by A. M. Johnson

  “No Seth, I gave up on myself. They gave me a choice, give up the pills, the crazy. They wanted me to go to therapy, to get better. I just wanted to…” I didn’t want to say it out loud, but I knew I could. With Seth I could always be real. “…I wanted to die, and they couldn’t bury another kid, so they let me go.” I drew the last line on his back trying to make myself numb to the memories I was dredging up.

  “Do you forgive yourself?” My stare met his, and the connection was tangible.

  “I’m working on it.” My lips offered him a small smile. “You ready for the real thing?” I watched as Seth swallowed hard. I’d meant that I was ready to start the tattoo. But Seth was looking at me like he was ready. Ready to take any part of what I was willing to offer, and it made the butterflies in my stomach and ribcage take full flight.

  “It’s now or never.” He closed his eyes as my lips split into a wide smile. He’d quoted my father without knowing it. That part of the memory I hadn’t mentioned, and for some reason it made everything feel okay. Seth and I were linked in these intense little ways, and I could fight it all day long, but it was inescapable, palpable, and I wanted more… I just wasn’t sure what my next step would be.

  I grabbed my machine and began to work on the tattoo. The motions were second nature; the vibration became part of me as I permanently placed a portion of myself into this extraordinary man’s back.

  We were quiet, the comfortable silence between us only interrupted by the buzzing of my machine and the music that sifted through the space. Seth’s eyes were still closed, and, for a moment, I thought he was sleeping until he winced as I drew closer to his spine.

  “Sorry.” The word sounded strange as it broke the silence.

  “I’m fine. Pain… I’m used to it.” His smirk seemed forced.

  This sparked my curiosity.

  “Show me your worst?” I repeated what he had asked of me that night in my room, the night I gave him every dark detail of my heart. My eyes fell to the faint scars on my arm. Before, when I looked at them, all I saw was failure. But after that night, all I saw was Seth as he placed his lips against my skin, making me feel loved. He healed my wound just a bit more that night.

  “You know my worst. My mom leaving my family behind.” Seth let his eyes slowly open, his blues seeking me out.

  “I mean, tell me your worst, Seth. You know every single thing about me. Every dirty secret. It’s a little unfair really.” I smiled as I wiped away the ink and blood from his skin.

  “I don’t think you want to know all my dirty secrets.” The dark tone in which he spoke didn’t scare me. I knew this man had a history. I knew because I had watched it unfold for the past three years. But now… now I wanted a why.

  “Why the bimbos?” My attempt to hide my distaste failed miserably and Seth’s jaw tensed.

  “You really want to know?” he asked. The danger of knowing Seth, really knowing him, was never more evident than it was in this moment. But I wanted to throw myself on the grenade. I wanted to know him. I wanted to know his sickness like he knew mine.

  “Show me your darkest, Seth.”

  A shiver ran down my spine as I watched the shadow cross his eyes.

  “I fuck them.” His eyes were locked on mine waiting for a reaction he would never get. I wouldn’t judge him, I couldn’t. He was being honest. I’d hide the nausea that was sweeping over me. I’d hide that flare of jealousy. I asked for this. “I push their limits just like they want, they let me fuck them hard. I like them to keep their faces down as I take them so I can’t look at them and they can’t look at me. I have to break them down, Tiff, make them feel out of control, make them unravel.”

  My machine rested on the table as my hands trembled. “Why Seth… why would you want that?” I tried to stop the tears from pooling over, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t angry with him. Anger would have been better. His confession broke my heart, crushed it. This man was so damaged and the sadness, the fear in his eyes, devastated me.

  “Tiffany, why would I want to look at something I hate? These women, they willingly give themselves to me, to a complete stranger. They pretend to want me. They pretend to care about me. But all they see is my name, my fancy car, and my bank account. All they see is the status, the power they think I have. Just like my so-called mother. They think they’re going to snag me with their fake tits, trite come-ons, and a little bit of pussy…” His laugh was bitter. “… These women, I have no empathy for, none. They ask to go home with me; they ask to get fucked like an animal. I offer them no promises, Tiff, I swear. I just show them who they really are. I show them what they’re worth.”

  “What are they worth?” My question whispered from across my lips.

  “Nothing.”

  I could feel the weight in my chest pulling on my heart; my tears fell soundlessly as we stared at one another for what felt like an eternity.

  “What am I worth?” The question was just a murmur, just a faint rambling I wasn’t even sure I’d meant to ask, but nothing prepared me for his answer.

  “Everything.”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Seth

  TIFFANY WAS WORTH EVERYTHING, and I’d just thrown any chance I had with her out the window. The tears fell down her cheeks, and I felt like a complete asshole. I wanted to shove every fucking word I’d just uttered back down my throat. What the hell was I thinking telling her this shit?

  Her posture relaxed and the corners of her full lips twitched, giving me hope I hadn’t totally fucked myself with that confession.

  “Everything?” she whispered, and the smile that she was fighting to hide started to show. She roughly wiped at her tear-streaked cheeks as I sat up.

  “Everything, Angel.”

  “Why? Why am I worth more than they are? I’m a woman, too. I could hurt you just like they could. Isn’t that what this is about? You keep everyone at a distance, you never trust anyone, you never let anyone in… all this to protect yourself, so you don’t end up like him… like your dad.” She appraised me like she had it all sorted out, and, even though she was right, it pissed me off.

  “You got it all figured out then.” I stood abruptly.

  “Don’t.”

  “Don’t what?” I asked angrily as I looked for that stupid fucking ointment for my back.

  “Shut down. We’re finally being honest with each other.” Her hazel eyes begged me to stop pulling away.

  “You want honest?” The words were clipped.

  She nodded as I approached her. “You’re everything because you don’t give a fuck about any of that shit. You see me for me, Tiff. You’d rather me sell my car, quit my father’s firm so I can teach and play music. You’d rather me be dirt poor and happy then sell my soul for a few bucks. Those women, they’d let me rot in hell, while they screwed my best friend. Tiffany, you see me… you fucking see me, and it hurts.” My breathing was labored as I closed the distance between us. She was just a small step away. I could take that last step. I could make her mouth mine, wrap my hands in her hair, breathe her in entirely as I tasted what I was sure would be the sweetest sin of my life. I could… but I wouldn’t.

  She locked her glassy eyes with mine. “It hurts?”

  “Yeah Angel, it fucking hurts.” I rested my hand against her cheek and she leaned into my palm. “It hurts because I’ll never be worthy of you. I’m not worthy of the light you think you see in me. I used those women just like they used me… I’m no better than her in the end.”

  Tiffany leaned into me and my breathing stopped. She rose onto her tiptoes and let her lips brush my cheek as she whispered in my ear. “You’re worth more than you’ll ever know.” She let her fingertips skim the hairline of my neck causing a shudder to wrack through my body. She leaned back and gave me a shy grin. I sucked in a breath, wanting to gather every last drop of our shared air.

  I wanted to ask her why she was with Scott. I wanted her to be with me. I wanted to take her on dates and do all that shit that normal people
do. I gathered all my pride and shoved it way the hell down.

  “Tiff, can I–“

  Tiffany’s phone started to ring, successfully cutting me off.

  “One sec, Seth, it’s Scott.”

  Scott.

  “Hey Scott.” Pause. “What’s up?” Pause. Scott was probably asking fifty million questions on the other line. I grabbed the tube of ointment, plastic wrap, and tape and placed it on the table. “Really? I’m just finishing up at the shop.” Pause. “Seth.” Her eyes darted to mine and then looked away. Her ears started to turn red, her tell for anger. “You’re being ludicrous… no, I will not. No. No. Scott come on, please be reasonable.” She paced back and forth, and I wanted to slam the phone against the wall. “Fine. I’ll see you in a minute.”

  She ended the call and took a few seconds before she turned around. She gave me an embarrassed smile. “Sorry. He’s a tad jealous of you.”

  “Good. Gotta keep him on his toes.” I laughed, and she grimaced. “It’s true, Tiff. Fuck him.”

  She took a deep breath. “He’s on his way here… right now. I guess the shop down south wasn’t ready for him yet. Miscommunication. He’s supposed to leave this coming Monday. ” I didn’t miss the disappointment that crossed her face. I was slowly winning this battle. “Here, let me finish this.” She gestured for me to turn around, and I obeyed. The cold gel felt good against the sting of the new ink. She quickly dressed it with the plastic wrap.

  I turned to face her. “Does that mean no tattoo this Sunday then?” I hoped that wasn’t the case.

  “Of course not, be here at eight. Scott doesn’t control me. Been there, done that. If this is how it’s going to be, then I’m tapping out. I don’t need his bullshit.”

  She was just still angry from the call, but I was starting to let myself hope. They hadn’t been together very long at all, so I wasn’t sure what she was holding on for. That fucker was a total dirt bag. “Don’t let him rattle you.”

  “I won’t” She smiled.

  “Good.” My smile matched hers, and we both watched each other for a moment. I had to tell her. The rhythm of my heart became irregular and thrummed behind my chest. “When you’re done with that asshole, the minute you realize he’s not worth one more second of your time, I need to know.”

  “Oh yeah? Why’s that?” She laughed.

  I trailed my thumb across her bottom lip, and she gasped. “Tiffany, I want you to see yourself through my eyes… see your value. I have this need to make you feel everything all at once till you can’t take it, till you can’t feel anything but me… can’t you feel it?” My fingertips gently brushed against her cheek as I moved a stray hair behind her ears.

  “Feel what?” She shivered at my touch, proving my point.

  “That fucking pull, that overwhelming, confusing pull… it makes me crazy, and I’m losing the fight against it.” I stepped away from her and grabbed my shirt.

  She parted her lips, but the words didn’t come. She shook her head instead.

  “You’re a liar.” My tone was softer than the accusation. I pulled my shirt over my head.

  “I feel it, Seth. I fucking feel it, okay. Is that what you want to hear?”

  I nodded.

  The shop door opened, and I watched Tiffany’s posture diminish.

  “Hey.” She gave Scott a fake smile, and my stomach churned.

  “Hey.” Scott leaned down and gave her a sloppy kiss fisting his hand in her hair. His eyes were wide open as he stared me down, staking his claim on her like she was a piece of meat. The kiss was short lived, and he released her from his hold.

  “I just gotta clean up really quick.” Tiffany smiled warmly at me. “I gotta run to the back and grab some more cleanser. You heading out?”

  I nodded. The taste of pennies coated my tongue. I hated leaving like this… leaving her here with him after everything we’d talked about. Fuck, I hated this guy.

  “See you Sunday.” Tiffany’s dimple popped as she walked past me to the storeroom.

  She wasn’t gone more than thirty seconds before Scott was in my face.

  “Stay the fuck away from her. I’m not stupid. I know why you’re always sniffing around here… the bar… you want something you’ll never have.” He rolled his shoulders as he deliberately filled the gap between us.

  I took a few deep breaths and tried to cool down. I let my arms hang loosely by my sides. “Back off of me, man.” My jaw was tight, and my fingers started to curl into fists when he didn’t listen. He was meeting me toe to toe; he was close enough I could smell his earthy cologne and a bit of orchids from Tiffany, and it made my gut roll. I didn’t want any part of her mingled with him.

  “You need to back off. Stay the fuck away from my girl.” The vein in his forehead pulsed as he snarled his demands.

  “She’s her own person, you don’t own shit.” I locked my eyes on his.

  “I know I owned that pussy just the other day. She likes it rough.”

  Scott’s word’s caused my vision to blur. My teeth ached with the pressure of my jaw as I gripped this motherfucker’s shirt in my hand and shoved him against the mirror in Tiff’s station. “You’re a goddamn liar.” I growled as I pushed against his massive frame. He didn’t fight back; instead, he matched my glare and laughed.

  “I made that bitch mine, and she loved every second of it. Those angel wings arched as she called out my name, clawing at my sheets as I made her come over and over again. She tastes like—“

  Before he could finish, I spit in his face, forcing him to shut the fuck up, forcing him to fight back. He propelled his body forward effectively pushing me backwards, and I almost lost my footing.

  “That was a mistake.” He angrily pointed at me as he stalked towards me.

  The blood in my head rushed through the veins. The pressure causing me to see black spots. “You don’t fucking deserve her, and I promise you you’ll never touch her again.” The words poured out of me in a rage.

  Scott swung at me but missed, his overly built body was sluggish and I laughed, but it died in the air when I heard Tiffany cry out.

  “Stop! Scott, what’s going on?” She stepped between us, and I immediately dropped my defensive stance. No way in hell was she going to get hurt in the crossfire.

  “It’s okay, Tiff, I was just leaving.” I grabbed my keys from my pocket.

  “What? Seth, look at me?” Tiffany’s voice shook as she asked me for answers.

  “Just reminding him who the fuck he is to you, baby.” Scott draped his arm around Tiffany’s waist. His hand gripped her hip, and I felt dizzy.

  “I’m out of here.” Nausea gripped my stomach and pulled it into knots. I moved hastily past Scott and Tiff for the front door. I faintly heard Tiffany call my name as the front door swung open and the cool night air hit me, stunning me back into reality. The shop door shut loudly behind me, and I stumbled to my car. The palms of my hands braced against the window frame of the car. I let my head hang between my arms as I struggled to regain some semblance of control.

  I tried to stave off the inevitable pictures that were sure to flash through my mind. I inhaled deeply, trying to push back the acid that was climbing up my throat, but all I could see were his fingers gripping her hips. His hands pulling her roughly against him, her face down against his sheets, as he fucked her from behind. Before I could stop it, I wretched up everything that was in my stomach. The bile creating an acrid taste in my mouth causing me to dry heave.

  The world was spinning, and I needed to close my eyes in order to place everything back on its axis. But each time I endeavored to pull my shit together, I’d see snaps of them together and I couldn’t take it. I managed to open my car door and let my body fall into the front seat. I took a long swig off my bottle of water, swishing and spiting away the rancid taste in my mouth onto the asphalt. I shut the door and started the car.

  I flipped on the air conditioner and rolled down the windows to help relieve the feeling of claustrophobia that
was now beginning to snake its way around my lungs. Every last part of me wanted to run full stop into that fucking place, rip that shithead’s throat out, and bring Tiffany home with me. I backed out of the parking spot before I did something stupid, something that would land my ass in jail… again.

  I’d go home, drink till I was numb, drink till I could no longer see his hands holding her down, his mouth tasting what I longed to have, her voice calling his name instead of mine. My stomach turned again, and I pressed down on the accelerator running a red light.

  The heaviness in my chest grew with every mile I put between Tiffany and me. The further away I got, the more his poisoned images faded, but the guilt for leaving her behind built. I’d left her there… alone. Shit. I was such an idiot.

  I pulled over to the side of the road and pulled out my phone.

  Me: If he hurts you, I’ll fucking murder him.

  My phone rang and Tiffany’s face stared at me from the screen. I hurriedly hit the call button. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes. I’m almost home. I’m sorry he said those things to you. He shouldn’t have.” She sounded weak.

  “You heard?”

  The line was quiet except for her breathing.

  “No. He told me what he said. Please don’t think less of me.” I heard her sob quietly through the phone.

  “I don’t. I wouldn’t.” After everything I told her tonight, how could she think that? “I don’t fucking like it, I hate that he—“

  “Don’t, don’t do that to yourself. It’s done. I’m not something he can put in a cage. No one, no one owns me anymore.” She sniffled, and I smiled.

  “There’s my tough girl.”

  “He’s an asshole. I can’t believe—“

  “Don’t do that to yourself.” I repeated the sentiment she’d just said to me. “It’s done then?”

  “I told him it’s over, and he didn’t even seem to care.”

  “You need me to come by?” I silently prayed for a yes.