Still Surviving

by A. M. Johnson

  “No. I just want to go to sleep. I just pulled up to my place. Can I see you tomorrow?”

  “Of course. I’ll be the handsome one at the end of the bar.” I tried to infuse as much humor in my voice as possible… for her… always for her.

  She laughed softly through the phone. “Night, Seth.”

  “Night, Angel.”

  Her picture faded and the screen turned black.

  My palms scrubbed down my face as I let the reality of this entire crazy ass night sink in. Scott’s words and the images he forced me to see would have to stay back on the asphalt with my puke.

  Tiffany knew my past, and I knew hers… there was nothing we could do to change our histories. All I was concerned about right now was my future, and, now when I closed my eyes, when I took in that cool night air to calm my mind, all I could see… was her.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Tiffany

  THE WARM GLOW OF my bedside lamp pooled along the ceiling of my room. This night was such a cluster fuck. My eyes felt heavy and all I wanted to do was sleep, but all I could think about was Seth. About how his strong body had held Scott against the mirror in the shop. I’d heard every word Scott had said to him. I didn’t like lying to Seth, but for some reason, I didn’t want him to know that I saw him lose control… for me. I only chose to intervene when I thought that asshole was getting an upper hand on Seth. My eyes popped open at the thought. I’d never be able to live with myself if Seth got hurt defending me.

  After Seth left, Scott tried to apologize, tried to smooth his way back into my pants. When I told him he didn’t own me, or my lady parts, I thought for a split second he was going to hit me. The color in his eyes had dimmed, and his upper lip had spread tightly across his teeth. His fingers seemed to twitch while he tried to control his obvious rage. I didn’t trust him, and I told him so. I told him he had lost his chance at being with me — told him that I didn’t deserve such disrespect, and neither did Seth. Scott wouldn’t make eye contact with me as I tried to say good-bye. He just stared at the wall without a sound.

  Thinking back on our very short-lived relationship, I gave him more chances then he deserved, and I was now internally berating myself for letting someone like him in again. I wanted to scrub him off my body and out of my mind. I turned my head to see the time on the clock. It was past three in the morning… too late for a shower. Tomorrow was another day, so I let myself relax and I shut my eyes.

  Seth’s blue eyes were all I could see as I fell asleep. “I have this need to make you feel everything all at once till you can’t take it, till you can’t feel anything but me.” His words ran through my head — his voice soft, deep, and soothing in my ear. He was right, there was no denying our pull, and I couldn’t wait for him to make me feel again. But I didn’t need everything… I just needed him.

  THE BAR WAS DEAD. The night was dragging by at a glacier pace when Seth finally arrived. It was Lily’s night off and she and I had made plans to hang out after work. Apparently, she had some news she wanted to share and needed a girl’s night. Frank gave Todd permission to close at midnight tonight since this was the bar’s deadest night of the week. It wasn’t hard to tell seeing as there were literally two customers in the bar, and one of them had just walked in the door — a hot as hell guy in a gray suit with a pink tie. Seth beamed at me as he strolled ever so casually to his favorite stool.

  “Jameson… neat.” He beamed, and I gulped. “You all right, Tiff?” He chuckled as he peeled off his suit jacket and hung it gently on the back of the chair. I should have been pouring his drink. I should have been grabbing that bottle of Irish whiskey this very second, but I was too busy drooling over this beautiful man. He rolled up the sleeves of his white button down, exposing those delicious forearms of his. I watched as his tattooed fingers deftly loosened his tie. Tattoos and ties shouldn’t go together, but Seth more than pulled it off. He scooted the bar stool forward and ran his hand through his dark hair.

  “Long day?” I was finally able to speak. His smile was killing me slowly.

  “Shit yes. This account is going to drive me fucking crazy.” He picked at the black napkin I’d placed in front of him. “It’s worth it though. If I land this account, I can leave my dad’s firm guilt free.”

  “Guilt free?” I asked as I poured his drink and set it in front of him.

  He glanced up from the bar, meeting my curious stare. “If I can get this account, I’d set up my dad and his partner for life, and have enough money to do what the hell I want.”

  He swallowed down a sip of his drink letting a small groan escape his lips, effectively setting me on fire. I bit down on my bottom lip and his perceptive eyes caught the movement. His attention lingered on my mouth as he licked the whiskey from his lips. That irresistible attraction was always there… always making it hard for me to breath… always soaking me in heat, and the burn of it was so welcome after being left in the shadow for so long.

  “I love it when you look at me like that.” The true statement fell out of my dumb mouth before I could stop it.

  “I could say the same to you.” His smile was slow motion perfection.

  I shook my head and smirked.

  “If you want to leave, you can.” Michelle, one of the other bartenders, offered startling me in the process.

  “Shit. Don’t sneak up on me.” I laughed.

  “Sorry, Tiff. Get outta here. You going to Lily’s still?” Michelle wiped down the back counter as she spoke.

  “Yeah. You sure it’s okay?”

  “Jo and I got this. I know we’re new and all, but I think we can handle all this.” She motioned her arm dramatically toward the empty bar.

  “You headed to my place?” I didn’t miss the nervous tone in his voice.

  “Yes, we’re having a much needed girl’s night. Don’t worry, I won’t invade your personal space.” I crossed my arms and cocked my right eyebrow trying to lighten his mood.

  “You’re not sleeping there, are you?” His jaw tightened and my stomach knotted. Why was this freaking him out?

  “What if I was?” I challenged.

  “Tiffany?” He gave me a reproving glare.

  “Seth?” I answered with a bit of spark.

  He leaned across the bar and lightly pushed my hair over my shoulder, exposing my ear. He leaned in further, and I did as well. His lips fluttered against my ear sending goose bumps down my neck as he whispered, “Having you a room away from me would make me crazy, and I think… no, I know, I wouldn’t be able to allow it. When you sleep over, Angel… it will be in my room… in my bed. Another first. I want you to have all my firsts.” He pulled away, and my limbs felt weak… my head was fuzzy.

  I wanted every first he had to offer.

  He sat back, his commanding stare appraised me, and I felt bare in the best of ways. It felt as if he had stripped me down, and there was no way I could hide the blush that was heating my cheeks.

  “No sleepovers.” My fingers anxiously fumbled with the hem of my shirt.

  “Not yet,” he said with a warm smile, and I reciprocated.

  Not yet. “You have plans tonight?” I asked, hoping he’d say no, hoping he’d be home early and crash our girl’s night.

  “Not really, I’ll probably hang here for a bit, hang with Todd. I wanted to go into the studio tonight, work on some things. Will you be over late?” His fingers traced the rim of his drink glass.

  “Probably.”

  “I hope so.” He stood and drank down the rest of his drink. “See you in a few.” He grabbed his jacket off the stool before he turned and headed for the back offices.

  Seth was finally making his move; he was finally letting “us” happen. My lips spread into a huge, love sick smile. I closed my eyes and thanked whoever sent this wonderful man to me. I’d like to think it was Anna. I’d like to think she knew my heart, could see my soul, and sent him to me… sent me my match.

  “YOU’RE PREGNANT? HOLY SHIT LILY!” I was sure my heart just f
ell into my stomach. I’d been over here for a while, and I couldn’t believe she had waited this long to tell me.

  Lily’s eyes, an odd mix of green and yellow, filled with tears, making them glitter. She couldn’t have looked more beautiful. “Holy shit is right.” She coughed out a laugh.

  “What does Todd think?” Todd was probably ecstatic. I’d never met a more loyal person than Todd. He was a great father already and he loved Lily, he loved Lily so much. Love like that — the love of a man like Todd — was such a hard thing to find, and Lily flourished under his light.

  “He’s so proud. Tiffany, he’s just…” She sniffed and wiped at the tears that had fallen down her cheeks. “…you know how he is. So positive. He said he’d marry me if that’s what I wanted.”

  “Is that what you want?”

  The room was silent. We were sitting on the couch; the quiet hum of the television was muted by the intense bubble Lily and I were sitting in. “He’s all I want. I would have married him the minute he showed up at that bar in Florida.”

  “So what’s the problem?” I was confused.

  “What if I’m like her, Tiff? This feels so much like her.” Lily’s hands trembled against her lap.

  “Your mom?” Pam, Lily’s mother, had gotten knocked up with her at a young age, too. Pam couldn’t deal with being a mother, being stuck in a relationship that she didn’t want, so she abandoned Lily and her father.

  “Yes, what if I freak out, run… like she did?” The water spilled over her lids faster, and I pulled her into a hug.

  “Lily. You’re nothing like her. You’re so good with Molly.” Leaning back I smiled at her. “You and Todd are gonna have the cutest fucking babies.”

  “Baby, dear God, don’t try to give me more than one at once.” She chuckled through her tears. “You really think so? You think I can do this?”

  “I know you can. You and Todd are so strong. I’m so jealous of what you guys have. Cherish this, hon, cherish it, ‘cause soon you’ll be up to your ears in baby poop and pureed carrots.” I winked at her, and she shoved me.

  Lily rolled her eyes. “This is seriously happening.”

  “It seriously is.” I clapped my hands.

  “This is the cheeriest I’ve ever seen you.” Lily narrowed her eyes at me. “It wouldn’t happen to be because a certain roommate of mine is hopelessly in love with you.”

  “Pfft. That’s dramatic.” I stood and grabbed a blanket from the basket next to the couch. Since Lily moved in, Todd and Seth’s condo started to look more like a home and less like a bachelor pad.

  “That man has it bad for you, Tiff. I wish you could see how he looks at you when you’re not paying attention. He lights up like the Fourth of July, my friend.” She leaned over and grabbed a handful of gummy bears from the bowl that she had placed earlier on the coffee table.

  The corners of my mouth tipped up. “Really?”

  “Really, I’m not happy with how Scott treated you, but I’m glad you got rid of him. What the hell was that about anyway? What a tool.”

  “God, you sound like Todd.”

  “What can I say? The dork is rubbing off on me”

  We both giggled, and she threw a gummy bear at me.

  “Thanks for this. I really needed some Tiff time. I feel like we never hang out anymore. You work too much, woman.”

  “I know. Don’t tell Frank, but I’m thinking I might want to work full-time at Magnolia. But, I need to let the Scott thing blow over first before I talk to the owner. I love it there.” It was true. I wanted nothing more than to be done at Blue. The two jobs were starting to wear me out.

  “I’ll miss the hell out of you, but you need to do you, girl.” Lily grinned.

  “Don’t worry, I’m hoping Scott moves to the Vegas shop. We’ll see.”

  “Oh! Before I forget. This Monday we’re all heading north for dinner at Lizzie’s place. You should come. I know you don’t know them super well, but it’s so fun. Plus, I’m pretty sure Seth is going.” She gave me a knowing look.

  “I don’t want to make Seth uncomfortable.” What I really wanted to say was that I didn’t want to dump myself all over his life too fast and spook him.

  “I don’t think anything you could do would make me feel uncomfortable.” Seth’s voice filled the room, and my heart rate increased.

  “I just invited Tiffany to come to Liz’s on Monday.” Lily’s smile was huge and childlike as if to say, “Look what I did? Aren’t you proud?”

  “You should come with me.” Seth dropped his briefcase by the coffee table. The collar of his shirt was unbuttoned and his tie was no longer on. He looked tired, and this very small, but crazy part of me wanted to snuggle with him… right now.

  “Okay.”

  His lips widened into a handsome smile. “Good.” He sat down into the recliner and ran his hand down his face. “Fuck, I’m tired.”

  “Me too, I should get going.”

  “Already? I feel like you just got here.” Lily pouted, and I laughed.

  “Well, you filled me with about ten pounds of sugar, then dropped a baby bomb on me. I’m emotionally exhausted, and my sugar high has depleted.”

  Seth chuckled. “Lily is always trying to ply people with sugar lately.”

  Lily shrugged her shoulders. “See you tomorrow at work, Tiff.”

  “Thanks for having me over. Remember what I said. Cherish it.”

  She gave me a kind smile and nodded as I grabbed my bag.

  “Can I walk you out?” Seth asked. His pale eyes trailed up my body, lighting me up as always, until he met my gaze.

  “Sure.”

  The air felt damp while we walked out to my car. He was quiet as he laced his fingers through mine. The sweet gesture surprised me.

  “I probably won’t see you until Sunday.” He played with my fingers as we stood next to my car. “I have a few meetings and a dinner with a client.”

  “No late night visits from the handsome man at the end of the bar?” I joked trying to hide my disappointment.

  “Are you sad?” He smirked.

  “Devastated.” My sarcastic comeback was short lived as Seth dusted his fingers up my arm and placed his hand at the nape of my neck. The pad of his thumb brushed at my pulse. I was sure he could feel the uneven beat of my heart through the skin.

  He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. “Drive safely.”

  I was speechless as he pulled away. I tried to think of some flirty, sexy thing to say, but all that I was capable of was a nod. He opened my door for me, and I sat in my front seat a little dazed. I felt like a teenager again as he shut my car door. He made me feel special… it was like each moment was something he was savoring. Each moment the tinder burned hotter on the coals, and I was waiting… waiting for the moment when it would ignite.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Seth

  “THE HEATHMAN ACCOUNT IS almost in the bag, Dad. I told you this already.” I pinched the bridge of my nose with the fingers of my free hand. “Tell Simmons to chill the fuck out.”

  “Seth, for hell’s sake, watch your damn mouth.” I tried to remember my father’s anger was purely based off his anxiety.

  “Listen, I had three meetings with Jake Heathman this week setting up his portfolio. I took his wife and him out to dinner last night. I’m sure he will choose us to handle their finances. How about you have some faith in your son.” My father pushed me to take this damn account, and now he was acting like I didn’t know what I was doing. I’d majored in music, sure, but I passed my series seven exam; I had my fucking license, and I was good at my job.

  “I have faith in both my boys. This is just a huge opportunity. I know you can handle it, son. Simmons is just breathing down my neck. Can you at least shoot him a damn email? Let him know where Heathman’s head is at.” He cleared his throat, and I cringed. This was a nervous habit of my father’s, and he only did it when he wasn’t being honest. He didn’t have faith in Jeff, and it pissed me off.

  �
��Listen, Dad, I’ve gotta go. I’ll send an email to Simmons tonight.” I turned the ignition off in my car and watched Tiffany laugh through the front windows of Magnolia. She was talking to Rand at the front desk.

  “Get it done.”

  “I will.”

  The line went dead, and I exhaled a noisy breath. I used to be so close to my father, but the bigger his firm got, the farther he pulled away from Jeff and me. The end goal being money… always money. My whole life that’s all he ever talked about. My mother left him helpless, and he wanted to make sure that never happened again. I got it… I did… but at what cost?

  We used to have family dinners every Sunday, but now my dad was at the office late, or taking a client out for dinner, or golfing if the weather was good. Our family was rapidly falling apart. The man I looked up to my entire childhood was beginning to show his true colors, and it was fucking with me on a whole new level.

  The shop was about to close by the time I got there. Rand was closing the till out as I walked through the front door. Tiffany’s broad smile tugged on my chest and made the conversation I’d just had with my father fade to the noisy back chatter of my life. Tiffany was the mute button to all my bullshit.

  “Hey there. You’re late.” She playfully scolded me, and Rand eyed us with a grin. I wasn’t sure whose side he was on as far as the whole Scott shit went, and I didn’t really give a fuck either, but I had a feeling he was on Tiff’s side, and I liked him for it.

  “I’m sorry.” My apology sounded weak as she approached me. Without thinking I reached out and linked her hand with mine. My thumb smoothed circles in her palm and she exhaled. The weight of us being apart dissolved the minute my hand found hers.

  “It’s okay.” She glanced down at our hands briefly before she gave me a shy smile.

  “Work shit. I really am sorry.”

  “Come on.” She dropped my hand, and I tried not to feel the loss. “Have a good night, Rand.” She waved at him as we headed to the back where her booth was.