Still Surviving

by A. M. Johnson

  What the fuck was wrong with me? This fear, this goddamn panic, was suffocating, and every second I let tick by she would doubt, and I couldn’t ever let her doubt herself… ever again. Her eyes searched my face; her unshed tears made the hazel of her eyes appear fluid. Why was I denying myself? I cared about her. I had cared about her for so long, and I was holding on to this last part of myself for what? She was the only woman, fuck, the only person that really knew me. She didn’t care about my money or my crazy messed up past. She took me as I was, and I wanted to be taken. I was so tired of the game, of the lie… I had fallen in love. I had opened up that secret door. For years, I was terrified of how I could be hurt, or how I could end up just like my dad, but even in the depth of my darkness I couldn’t hide from her.

  I opened the door, and her breath hitched.

  “I don’t want to be afraid.” The words were quiet, and she leaned her forehead against my chest. I brought my hand up and rested it on the back of her head, pulling her into a hug. “This, having you here, it’s what I want. Don’t doubt that. You’re the only girl I’ve ever wanted, the only one. I’m just still trying to reconcile what I’m feeling with everything I’ve ever known.” Tiffany’s hand rested on my chest, and her lips separated into a small smile. “Why are you smiling? I’m crazy, you get that, right?” I placed my hands on either side of her face, my thumbs dusting across her cheekbones.

  “My heart is your heart… remember.” Her tone was laced with promise, acceptance… this leap was on me. I had to jump. There was no other choice anymore.

  I brought my forehead to hers, my eyes closed as her scent poured its way down my lungs in a deep breath. “I love you… you know that… you have to fucking know that.” I let it out. I let it all go. I put myself up for the sacrifice.

  A quiet cry fell from her lips. “God, I love you, too. So much, for so long.”

  My erratic breathing had nothing to do with fear, not a goddamn thing. My heart hammered through my veins with pride. My lips found hers, and it was over. This date, this chaos of a life… it was done. I was starting here and now with her.

  THE STEAM OF THE shower hung heavy in the air. Tiffany’s body was unbelievable. She was an hourglass even though she was tiny as hell. I wanted to linger under the water with her as my hands slid easily over her wet body, tracing every line of her tattoos, down over her stomach to between her legs. She rested the back of her head against my chest, pressing her ass against me while my other hand wrapped around her throat holding her in place. Her moans echoed against the tile as I slid inside her. She swore as my teeth pulled at her earlobe, and I thrusted hard within her at the same time.

  “Oh God, Seth.” Her hips moved in a deliberate rhythm as I pulsed my finger against that sensitive spot between her legs. She tried to lean forward, and I tightened my grip on her throat, not enough to hurt her or make her feel trapped, but enough to keep her in place, enough for her to know I had her.

  “Don’t fight it, let go.”

  My jaw tensed as she lifted her hips, arching her back at an angle that let me in completely. I groaned as I pulled out of her in slow motion and then entered her again in one long push. Each time our bodies pushed and pulled apart, I watched. I watched as her legs began to shake and her hips began to move unevenly. She mumbled, moaned, and cried out as she came hard. Her muscles squeezed around me, the spasms of her body bringing me over the edge. I pulled her back against me, dropping my hand from her throat to her hip, taking her with another furious thrust.

  Tiff’s name was a growl as I found my release. My forehead rested on her shoulder as I caught my breath. My hands spread across her belly holding her up; her legs were weak as they shuddered.

  The only sound was the water from the shower as it hit the tub floor. I could feel the rhythm of her breathing as it ebbed back down to a normal pace. Tiffany turned to face me. Her fingernails gently drew along the line of my neck and into my hair, causing my skin to break out into goose bumps despite the warm water. She quietly observed me. Her smile growing with each second. “I love you.”

  “This… this is us.” I brought my thumb across her bottom lip. “This is our love.” I parted her mouth with my tongue as I kissed her with more feeling than I ever thought I was capable of. I pulled away and let the palm of my hand skate down her breastbone, stopping at her heart. The beat was slow and steady, and I smiled. “This… it’s mine.”

  “It is.” She grinned.

  My palm fell further and settled between her legs, and she shivered. “This—”

  “Is yours,” she whispered breathlessly against my shoulder as she leaned against me for support.

  I brought my hand from between her legs to her hip draping my arms around her waist. “I love this. I love you. Angel, I have no idea what I’m doing or what to do next, but I know this… this is the most real thing I’ve ever had in my life.”

  “Our love.” She kissed me once. “It’s just as it should have been… as it should be.”

  We were content not to talk as we washed each other, exploring our bodies, finding pieces that were uniquely ours. My favorite thing about Tiff was her scars. The places that were ruined by her pain. They made her tangible, made her true to life… made her real. This day had turned me inside out. She had broken through my defenses, and all I had left was a white flag. I surrendered myself to her today.

  “You hungry?”

  She smiled. “I’m freaking starving.”

  I turned off the water and opened the glass door, grabbing two towels from the rack. “Here.” I handed her the towel, and we both quickly dried off.

  Tiff wore one of my T-shirts and a pair of the boxers I didn’t wear anymore. She rolled them several times at the waist to make them fit causing us both to laugh. Our food finally showed up about twenty minutes after our shower, and we both sat on the carpet of my bedroom floor with cartons of Thai spread out between us. We talked about everything. She asked me about my childhood, my brother, and my family. She was curious about all the parts of my puzzle. She’d ask a question, and my answer would spur another question.

  “Your dad never dated after your mom left?” she asked around a mouth full of jasmine rice and curry.

  “No. He… he was kind of like me.” I dropped my eyes to my carton of food.

  “So he slept around a lot?” she asked without malice. To her it was just another question. She had always been direct.

  “He did.” My eyes met hers. “He actually was pissed when my little brother got married. He was always teaching us, telling us not to trust women. Women would trap us, take away our pride, and ruin us. I think Jeff getting married, never going to college, never joining the business, was just another betrayal for my dad.” I had believed him for so long.

  She swallowed and frowned. “That’s horrible. Why would he brainwash you guys like that? You don’t believe that bullshit anymore… do you?”

  “To some extent.” Tiff’s mouth popped open to speak, but I cut her off. “It’s all I ever believed for a long time. Up until… you. The women I fucked proved me right every time.”

  “Did you even give them a chance or were you out the door before the condom came off.” She pushed her food plate away and glared at me.

  “Don’t judge me, Tiff. I had nothing, nothing growing up. The beginning of high school was a joke. No chicks wanted me. All they gave a fuck about was the high-end jocks. I learned at a young age that my father had shit right.” I matched her intense glare. “Not until I had money… became the first string quarterback… did any bitch give a shit about me.”

  The crease between her brows softened. “That doesn’t mean your dad was right, Seth. It means you picked the wrong people to trust, to love.”

  “I never loved them… I never loved any of them… only you, Tiff… just you.” She was quiet. Tiffany’s stare penetrated me. She was trying to find an answer to who I was, what I had become. “I’m made from what I was bred. Two people who couldn’t trust. Two people w
ho destroyed each other and a legacy of hurt. But I’m trying… I don’t want to be like them. I know what they had and did was wrong; it was dysfunctional. I want to be better. I want to feel like I do right now with you… every day. If this is what love is like, I’m pissed I didn’t find you sooner.”

  The line of Tiffany’s shoulders dropped as she sighed, “Me too.”

  “Me too? What does that mean?” I smiled as her mouth pulled into my favorite lopsided grin.

  “Me too… I’m pissed you didn’t decide to pull your shit together sooner. I’ve waited three years, you know?” I chuckled. “Seriously Seth. What your father “taught” you is shit. Utter shit. Your brother knew, and I kind of want to high five him when I meet him.”

  “He’d love that.” My laugh shook my shoulders.

  “I’m glad you’re starting to see it, too.”

  She was right. I was starting to see my father for what he really was. A lonely and resentful man.

  “Thanks for saving me from following in his footsteps.” I leaned across the to-go buffet and kissed her on the cheek.

  “Seth, I’m always here for you.”

  Always…

  I was ready for an always with her.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Tiffany

  LIGHT MUSIC SIFTED THROUGH the room. The easy notes seemed to hang in the air as Seth and I lay in his bed. My eyes closed as his fingertips feathered over my eyelids and drifted down my cheekbone, following the line of my neck all the way down my arm and back up again. I never wanted this moment to end, this day had been magic. Being with Seth like this, so vulnerable, so beautifully open to what we could be wasn’t something I had expected, but was so beyond grateful for in this very second.

  The pale blue sheets tangled between us, the ash colored down comforter bunched at our feet, his nose trailing along my ear, I was in heaven and this time… this time I felt like I deserved this… him.

  “I’ve never heard this version of “Young Blood” before.” I spoke in a whisper not wanting to disturb the quiet grace of the song.

  His deep voice was all soft and sweet mint against my neck. “It’s the Renholdër remix.”

  “It’s beautiful.”

  He hummed in agreement as he skimmed his lips across my shoulder. I let my eyes open. Seth’s room was hardly lit, the bedside lamp offered little light. His room at first glance was stark. But, just like Seth, if you looked deeper, you’d see something spectacular. Several seemingly random placed framed black and white photographs complemented the soft gray and blue palate. Upon further inspection, I saw the pattern; there was planned chaos in how he did everything. The pictures were mostly of nature, but scattered throughout there was an occasional photo of a person. Mostly close ups, but one in particular had grabbed my attention earlier and now, with my eyes wide open I stared at the framed picture of a girl. Her hands artfully tied behind her back, the shot zoomed in on the elegant knot.

  Seth placed his thumb and forefinger on my chin and gently guided my gaze to his. We were almost nose-to-nose and I smiled. “What are you thinking right now?” I asked.

  His steel blue eyes scanned down my face. “I was just thinking… honestly? I was thinking dirty thoughts.” He chuckled and pushed a piece of my hair behind my ear.

  My smile widened. “So was I.”

  “Yeah?” His smirk was small, his lips not separating as he looked at me with humor in his eyes. “This I gotta hear.”

  “That picture… of the girl… with her hands behind her back. It’s… sensual.” I didn’t drop his stare. “And… I feel guilty for thinking that… I guess.”

  His smile fell. “Because… of what happened to you?” He took a measured breath.

  I nodded. For some reason, I felt sad. I felt stupid and naive. I thought the picture was beautiful, but I wasn’t sure that was something I could ever give him. “Is that something… is that something you’d—“

  “Tiff. I’d never expect anything from you that you weren’t willing to give.” He appraised me, brows furrowed, his lips set in a serious line. “You’re perfect as you are. Being with you… it’s enough.”

  But I didn’t want to be enough; I wanted to be everything. “But, if it’s something—“ He silenced me with his mouth, his full lips seeking mine. Seth’s kisses were unique; I’d never been kissed so tenderly one minute and then felt so devoured the next. It was like he was trying to fight himself, and I could always tell the moment he lost the battle. His teeth would pull at my bottom lip, or he’d suck at the flesh. Right now he was losing his control again and the low rumble in his throat was the first sign.

  I placed my hands on his shoulders and pulled away. I wasn’t so easily silenced. “You’ll always be honest with me, right?”

  “Yes… It’s just a picture, Tiff. I think… we’ve crossed a huge bridge tonight. Can we just leave it? This… right now… you being here in my bed. This is all I need. Two months ago I wouldn’t have ever thought this was possible. I like it. I fucking love it, and I just want to enjoy this moment. Can we do that?” His thumb found my bottom lip as it always did.

  “Yes,” I whispered against the pad of skin.

  My hands slid up to his neck as his thumb lingered. I brought my lips around the tip, tasting the salt on his skin. He groaned and pushed his thumb further into my mouth. I let my teeth lightly drag across his knuckle as he withdrew it from my lips. His eyes locked on mine as his hand fisted in my hair. He kissed me then, with a roughness I’d yet to experience from him. His other hand enclosed around my throat just under my chin. The light grip caused heat to pool between my legs, and the stubble of his five o’clock shadow burned my tender skin. My eyes fell closed as he silenced me with this kiss. This powerful kiss brought me under. His lips demanded; his taste for control was laced within every breath that spilled from him. And I wanted more. My hips met his, and I moaned as his length pressed against me.

  His hand dropped from my neck, and his lips separated from mine.

  “You’ve got me strung out.” His eyes were wide and bright. “We should sleep. This night, this whole fucking day… You… Tiff, it’s so much. I’m heavy with it.”

  “Heavy with it?” My brow dipped and the butterflies in my stomach soared.

  “Yeah, Angel, fucking heavy with it. It’s like I have to be touching you or I can’t breathe, and it makes my chest hurt… and I’m trying so hard to find the control. I’m so deep, so completely into you. You’ve taken hold of me, and I’m feeling… shit… it’s… I can’t explain it, it’s right here.” He took my hand and placed it in the center of his chest. “It’s like panic, but it’s not. It’s just… heavy.”

  His heart hammered against his sternum. “This is how it’s supposed to be, I think.” I kissed him as tender as I could possibly bear. He was in love with me… and I was with him, and we were both so out of our depths.

  “I feel like a lunatic, like I’ve lost my damn mind.” He smiled and kissed me on the cheek.

  “Me too. But I like it.” I brought my fingertips to his cheek, and he closed his eyes. “Are you tired?” The tip of my forefinger drew a soft curve down his nose.

  His eyes popped open. “I am.”

  I turned my body so that my back was to his chest. He leaned to switch off the lamp. The room darkened, and his muscular arm draped over my hip, pulling me close. He let his hand rest on my belly. “Thank you for everything.” My smile spread across my face, invisible, in the dark.

  His warm breath heated the nook in my neck just as his lips grazed my ear. “Being with you, I’m learning how to breathe again… and I’m scared. But the fact that I can tell you that, the fact that I’d rather drown in that fear than to never have you like this again, it makes this fucking chaos worth it.”

  My heart skipped. The rhythm a jagged beat. “Seth.” The lump in my throat felt like a boulder. “Our love… it’s total chaos, but I want it… I want every bit of it. I want that heavy feeling you have to dissipate and for you to
trust me.”

  “I’m here, Angel. I’m right here. I trust this.” He laced our fingers together, our joined hands resting against my stomach. He gently squeezed my hand. “I trust this.” The conviction in his whisper took away my apprehension, and I squeezed back.

  I swallowed down the worry and closed my eyes. “Goodnight.”

  “Night, Angel.”

  THE SUN HARDLY PEEKED through the storm clouds as Seth drove me to my apartment the next morning. I wanted to stay in bed with him all day, his warm hands on my body, his mouth savoring me, the scratch of his day old scruff on my inner thigh. I shivered at the thought. That was one hell of a wakeup call.

  “You sure you’re up for dinner tomorrow at my dad’s place. He can be a dick.” Seth’s brow crinkled and he frowned. The dinner invite via text had woken him early this morning.

  “Yes, I’m sure and I don’t care. I can be a bitch.” I smirked, and he chuckled.

  “I’m not going to confirm or deny that shit.”

  I slapped him against the chest, and he laughed harder. “You’re an asshole.”

  “Now you sound like Lily.” His smile was ear to ear, and the sheer beauty of it stunned me.

  “She’s a wise girl. I’m sort of glad they were still sleeping. I don’t need to hear any crap from Todd.” The car came to a stop in front of my place.

  “Don’t worry about that idiot, I’ve got him covered.” He smirked. “You want me to walk you to the door?” Seth looked at me with eager blue eyes.

  “Nah. I’m okay.” I leaned across the console to kiss him.

  He kissed me with a profound effort, and as I pulled away, feeling properly dazed, he smiled. “Next time you stay over, I want you to make sure you have nothing going on the next day.”

  “Oh yeah, why is that?” My lips spread involuntarily as Seth’s smile grew sinful.

  “Because I’m not letting you out of my fucking bed all day, that’s why.” Seth’s hand tangled in my hair, and he kissed me deeply again.