Still Surviving

by A. M. Johnson

  “I hate work.”

  “No you don’t. You love your job.” He grinned.

  “I do.”

  “I’ll come by later? Finish up the last orchid?” he asked.

  “Sounds good, I’ll be in a deep Seth hangover by that point.”

  Seth laughed. “You’re ridiculous.”

  “I know. But it’s true.” I bent down to grab my bag. “And besides, Scott comes back from Vegas today; I’ll need to see a friendly face.” With my bag in my hand I turned my gaze back to Seth, all his good humor had faded. His lips were set in a grim line, his hand curled tight around the steering wheel, his eyes not really meeting mine. “He’s nothing to me.” I reached my hand slowly over to his cheek. My palm against the heat of his skin, he softened under my touch. “He’s nothing.”

  He nodded. “I know. I just don’t like it. I don’t fucking like it all.”

  “Look.” His eyes met mine. “He’s not going to be here long. I’m pretty sure he’ll be taking that job in Vegas. I’ll just have to deal with him for a few more weeks.”

  “You don’t have to deal with shit. He fucking even breathes the air you breathe and I’ll—“

  “End up in jail again, doing community service for 6 months, paying out to his lawyers like you did for Jace. You were lucky he dropped the charges, Seth. Scott’s an asshole. He’d let you rot in a cell. Don’t be stupid.” I pecked his cheek. “Okay?”

  “Okay,” he said it in a way that contradicted the word. His body was still tense.

  “I love you.” I took his face between my hands.

  “I love you, too, Angel.” He kissed me lightly with defeat.

  I opened the door and stepped onto the cement. The cool fall air hit my cheeks. “See you tonight.”

  The scent of incense and spice lingered on my skin, and I almost didn’t want to shower. Seth was everywhere, in my head, on my body, in the air… I didn’t want to ever lose the memory of how I felt right now. That slight twinge he’d left between my legs, the burn along my jaw, the sweet ache of my muscles, Seth… it was just Seth. He’d touched every part of my body, made it his, made my heart open as he drank me in. The lids of my eyes fell shut. The day… the night… Seth… all of it flashed like pictures behind my closed lashes. His hands on my hips, his words in my ear, his bottom lip between his teeth as he came, these snapshots were relics, and I’d keep them safe, within my mind, at all times.

  My eyes fluttered open, and I half expected him to be standing in front of me. Instead, my empty front room, with its lone couch and bookshelf, stared back at me. I missed him too much… way too much. I wanted to hate how vacant I felt without him near, but I didn’t. This was what he had been talking about… this weight in my chest, this feeling of loss when his skin wasn’t touching mine. This was it.

  I was heavy with it too.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Tiffany

  EVERY TIME THE BELL over the door chimed, I’d jump. I hadn’t seen Scott since I broke it off with him. He didn’t seem to care, but I still wasn’t eager to see him. The thought that I ever let him touch me made me shudder. I hated myself for letting yet another guy like him have a part of me. The things he said to Seth… it made me sick to think that Seth had to hear that. Scott took what I thought was private, what I thought was ours, and turned me into a trophy, some sort of pissing contest, like I was just part of his game. I had been.

  Before I got myself too upset, I turned up the volume on the docking station that was quietly playing music from my iPod while I waited for my next client. The shop had been so slow all morning, and I’d only booked three customers today. I was awaiting number three when my phone chirped.

  I unlocked my screen and frowned.

  Lily: So… that was awkward.

  What was she talking about? She’d probably texted me on accident.

  Me: What?

  She texted me back within seconds.

  Lily: Well, let’s just say my suspicions that Seth can hear when Todd and I have sex were confirmed.

  I felt my face turn beet red. Holy shit. I didn’t even know how to respond. I was mortified.

  Lily: So you had a nice morning? Thank God Todd was asleep, he would have died. I was up puking. Morning sickness is a bitch.

  I was relieved that only Lily was awake. For some reason, just her hearing didn’t bother me as much.

  Me: I’m sorry you had to hear… This is so gross.

  Lily: Tell me about it. At first, I didn’t know it was you, and I was freaking pissed. I thought Seth was screwing a random. I know how much you care about him. But I saw you leave with him this morning. You guys were cute.

  I tapped out a quick reply, but my face was still as red as an apple.

  Me: Did you tell Todd I was there?

  Lily: Don’t hate me, but I did. He’s worried but happy for you guys. He said Seth cares about you, too. He’s a good guy. Weird as hell, but a good guy.

  I laughed out loud at the “weird” comment. Seth was weird, but I fucking loved him because of it.

  Me: He’s a great guy. Tell Todd not to worry. I’ll still love him no matter what happens with Seth and me.

  My boss walked into my station just as I finished typing.

  “Hey Tony, what’s up?”

  Tony was in his late forties but looked like he was sixty. He had long white hair that was shaggy and hit his shoulders. There wasn’t a space on his body besides his face that wasn’t tattooed. “You still interested in that full-time spot? Scott’s going to manage my Vegas shop, so I have more hours. You do good work, Tiff. The job is yours if you want it.”

  My pulse hummed through my head. The excitement I felt tried to burst through my pores. My lips spread into a huge smile. “Hell, yes! Thank you so much, Tony.”

  His smile reached his eyes. “Give the bar two weeks? Scott won’t be making the move south for another two weeks.”

  “That’s perfect. I’d never want to leave Frank high and dry.” Frank. Todd. Oh God. The sentiment overpowered me, and my eyes started to water.

  “You here till close?” he asked, avoiding my now glassy eyes.

  “Yes, sir.” My voice was thick as I tried to choke back my tears. I’d been at Blue for so long, I wasn’t sure how I was going to end that chapter of my life. It was as if I was leaving a part of me behind.

  “None of this “sir” stuff. Looking forward to having you around.” His cheeks pulled into a grin. The deep creases next to his eyes crinkled, and it made me smile. Tony’s face had no hard edges. His skin was overly tanned but appeared soft, and when he smiled, it was the most jovial expression. He patted my shoulder just before he walked back to his office.

  My mind was in full spin mode when I heard my phone chirp again.

  Lily: Todd says he loves you, too, Princess.

  I narrowed my eyes at the message. I hated when Todd called me princess. It made me think of how I once had been. How I’d once been “that” girl. The cheerleader. Daddy’s little princess. It made me remember I’d never be that ever again. I had no family. My eyes fell to the white scars on my arm, and I touched the raised bumps. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and remembered how Seth had placed his kiss there; every time his soft lips fell on my skin a part of my past fell away.

  Me: Tell Todd I’m going to junk punch him if he ever calls me Princess again.

  Todd didn’t know how it wounded me, and I’d never tell him. It would kill him to know that he’d hurt me with just one word.

  Lily: Done. He said “never again.” You coming over tonight?

  Me: I think so?

  I wasn’t sure what Seth’s plans were after the tattoo.

  Lily: I’m so excited! See you then. I need to go barf.

  I laughed and shook my head.

  Me: Fun. See you then.

  Pregnancy sounded about as fun as chewing nails. Thank God I was on the pill.

  MY THIRD CLIENT HAD come and gone, and still no Scott. I was about to count myself lucky as
I cleaned and readied my station for Seth. My skin actually felt charged as I anticipated his touch. The smile I had on my face died when I heard his voice.

  “Heard you took the job.” Scott’s uneven tone was familiar and unnerving.

  “I did.” I didn’t look at him. I kept my eyes down as I wiped down the table.

  “You start in two weeks?” He stepped closer to where I was standing, his tone softer, causing me to flick my gaze to his. His thick muscles on show under his tight Ramones T-shirt, his hair perfectly gelled. That thick patchouli scent in the air filled my nose as he closed the space between us.

  He reached out to touch my hand, and I pulled away. “Don’t. You lost that chance, Scott. You had no right… to say what you did to him.”

  He laughed without humor. “I had every right. You were mine, Tiff. He was trying to fucking undermine me.”

  “I was never yours.” My jaw clenched as I swallowed.

  Scott’s lips pulled into a tight flat smile. “See, that’s where you’re wrong. I got mine, sweetheart.”

  My breath hitched. “You’re a pig.”

  Scott’s large hand enclosed around my upper arm, his hold firm as he tugged me toward him. “Watch your mouth,” he hissed in my ear.

  “Everything okay over here?” Rand from the reception asked in a clipped cadence. My eyes burned with stifled angry tears.

  I yanked my arm free from Scott’s grip as he spoke. “Yeah, Rand, everything’s fine. Mind your own fucking business.”

  “I’ll mind my business when you stop messing with her. What the hell, man?” Rand gave him a pointed stare, and he backed down.

  Scott turned his glare on me. “I was just leaving. I needed to talk to Tony anyway.” His eyes never left mine as he walked past me. The empty quality they held sent shivers down my spine. “Next time you work, wear something less low cut. We have standards here. Just ‘cause we’re a Tattoo shop doesn’t mean you can dress like you’re asking for it.”

  The tears stayed welled up inside until his back disappeared down the hall. Once he was gone, I let them soundlessly fall. They were quiet as they skated down my cheeks. The words he spoke hitting me like a bull’s-eye.

  “He’s a fucking asshole, Tiff.” Rand wrapped his long arms around me and pulled me against his chest. “He’s a jealous asshole.”

  Rand was sweet. “I know. It doesn’t make it hurt any less though, but thanks.” I pulled from his embrace and wiped my tears away.

  “You going to be okay? Want me to stay until Seth gets here?” Rand smiled at my confused face.

  “How’d you know he was coming?”

  “It’s Sunday, sweetie.” He put his hand on his hip and shook his head. “You better pull yourself together before he gets here.”

  I looked at myself in the mirror and gasped. My mascara had smeared, and I looked like a hot mess. “Oh God.” I grabbed some tissues from my workstation and wiped under my eyes. “You don’t have to stay. Aren’t you and your man going out?” I attempted to smile. I didn’t want Seth to see me like this. He’d end up in a fight, and I didn’t want to cause him any more drama.

  “We are, but I’m staying. I’m not leaving you here alone so Scott can go all roid rage on you.” Rand’s eyes bulged, and I busted out laughing.

  “I freaking love you.” I watched him smile through the mirror as I wiped the remaining dark smudges from my eyes.

  “Seriously though, I’ll be up front, okay?”

  I nodded.

  THE INK WAS THE last thing I opened. My machine was ready and everything was wrapped. Seth beamed as he walked through the front door. The bell clanged loudly in the now empty shop. Scott had left with Tony not ten minutes ago. He didn’t say a word as he walked by my station. His dark eyes were straight ahead. He acted as if I wasn’t even there, and I was just fine with that.

  “Hey, Angel.” Seth kissed the corner of my mouth first, his thumb placed firmly against my bottom lip.

  “Hey.” The intense scent of spice occupied the air around us making me feel dizzy, but in the best way possible.

  He brushed his thumb slowly along the curve of my mouth, leaving his mark before he claimed my lips with his.

  “See you guys.” Rand whispered loudly as he walked out the front door.

  I smiled against Seth’s mouth as he growled at the interruption. “He’s such a cock blocker.”

  I giggled. “He really is.” Seth’s laugh warmed through me, and every stupid thing Scott said was gone. My heart split, and I frowned. I was grateful that Seth was able to mend the wounds I’d allowed to be reopened, but I wanted to be strong enough to do it on my own.

  “What’s the matter?” Seth searched my eyes.

  “Old ghosts,” I whispered against the constriction of my throat, trying to abate the emotion I knew would rise if I thought too much about today, about the past.

  He kissed my forehead. “Have you ever thought of seeing them again?”

  “My parents? No. If they wanted to… they’d have sought me out.” The pale blue of Seth’s eyes appraised me.

  “I don’t know… maybe your right, who the fuck knows what parents are thinking half the time.” He shrugged and took my hand in his. “Maybe you should talk to them, or maybe therapy? Sometimes that shit helps. You’re strong, Tiffany. It could make you stronger.” He grinned and gently squeezed my hand. Seth was attuned to my every thought, it seemed.

  I laughed and shook my head. “I was literally just thinking I needed to rely on myself more. I love how you make me feel, I love that you take my past and show me a future. But, at the end of the day, I need to be able to do that for myself.” I took a deep breath. What I was going to say next would surely piss him off. “Scott said some shitty things to me today, and I let him bother me. I should be stronger. I can’t let everyone else fight my battles.”

  Seth’s posture stiffened. “What the fuck did he say to you?”

  “Please, it was nothing. He’s just a jealous prick. He didn’t talk to me at all after.” My smile failed to reassure him, Seth grit his teeth.

  “I swear to God, the next time I see him—“

  “Please don’t. Did you not just hear what I said? I need to fight my own battles. I don’t need a knight, I just need you.” I reached up on my toes and kissed him. Softly at first, but then I eased my hands up his firm chest and rested my palms on either side of his heart. The strong thrum behind his chest quickened as I kissed him deeper.

  He licked my lip, and I groaned. Seth’s hands skirted down my spine, ending on my hips. His grip pulled our bodies closer so that I was now fully pressed against him.

  “I’m angry, Tiff, so fucking angry right now,” the words were a rough whisper against my mouth.

  “Please don’t be,” I spoke, letting my lips brush the corner of his mouth.

  “He hurt you today, whether it was physical or not, that son of a bitch hurt you. Tiffany, I know how strong you are, I see it. But it doesn’t matter. You can fight, babe, you can fight every battle if you want. That doesn’t mean I won’t be there to end the motherfucker when it’s all said and done.” He locked his eyes on mine. “Tiff, I’m no knight, but I know when it comes to you, like I said… you’re worth everything. You’re worth it all… and I’d do anything in my power to keep you safe.”

  The briny taste of tears fell across my lips. The fluid spilled from my eyes as Seth framed my face with his hands. “You’re worth it all. Remember that… next time… don’t ever let anyone make you doubt that, Angel.” Seth’s breathing slowed; his eyes fell to my mouth just before he placed a sweet kiss on my lips.

  “You make me feel invincible, and that scares me.” Despite my true words, I smiled.

  Seth’s brow creased. “Explain.” His hold dropped, and he leaned against the padded table.

  “You make me feel so confident. I’ve never had that, and like I said, I need to find that confidence on my own. I know I’m strong. I know what hell I’ve endured. But not until you told me,
not until you built me up, did I think I’d ever have the strength. Every morning, every day, was supposed to be my fresh start, but every day I failed to see what I’d lived through, failed to see how far I’d come.” I took a few steps and stood between his legs. “Seth, you’ve shown me my own strength, and I’m ready… I’m ready to get help, to start my real “fresh” start. Guys like Scott don’t matter, baby. You’ve shown me that. All I’m asking is for you to not throw yourself on the blade for me. I’d never forgive myself if you lost anything because of me.”

  He exhaled sharply. “I’ll leave it for now. But I’m telling you, Tiff, that guy is trying my patience. Just promise me you’ll let me know if you need me.”

  “I will.” I smiled. “Thank you for getting all protective, but I need to take care of myself.” I leaned in, my nose grazed his neck, inhaling, and he shivered… his smell heated my skin.

  “You’re very good at distraction. I’ll give you that,” he murmured, the warmth of his breath on my ear.

  “Are we going to get this tattoo going or what, Montgomery?” My chuckle was cut short as his hand curled inside the waistband of my jeans. His fingers diving in, grazing along the seam of my panties.

  “Or what.” His eyes on my mouth, he tugged me closer as he stood. Seth easily unbuttoned my jeans. The air around us fell still. “I want you to lie across the table.”

  The firm tone sent fire through my veins. I glanced and made sure the storefront blinds were closed. They were shut tight. He turned our bodies so he was now in front of me, and I was leaning against the table. He hardly touched my skin as he pulled my jeans down and paused to slide off my shoes. Seth’s fingers enclosed around my calf as he lifted my legs out of my jeans on each side.