Still Surviving

by A. M. Johnson

  He was kneeling in front of me as his lips trailed kisses across the top of my panties down to my inner thigh. I had to place my hands on his shoulders for support. “Turn around.”

  My hands trembled with anticipation as I submitted. “W-what are you doing?” He hadn’t stood from his kneeling position.

  “Trust me,” he said in a low caress. His fingers slipped under the string of my underwear as he peeled them down. The cool air felt good against my needy skin. His powerful hand gripped the backs of my thighs. “Bend over and lay across the table, Tiff.”

  My chest pressed against the padded surface as I held onto the opposite edge of the table, my feet still on the floor. Seth eased my legs apart just enough that I was completely exposed, naked for him. “This is about you tonight. This is about me showing you how fucking good you taste.” His tongue pulled across my center and I groaned, my hips rolled and he grasped them, holding me motionless. “How, all day long, all I thought about was having you just like this…” He slid two fingers inside me, and my muscles reacted and tightened. He groaned as he bit the flesh of my hip, his teeth pulling against the skin of my backside.

  He worked me up with his fingers and just as I was about to burst, he would pull them from my body. His tongue drawing lazily across me; his lips sucking and pulling me to the edge again. My body began to shake, and there was no way he could keep me dangling much longer. “I need… I have—“

  The words failed me as my legs began to buckle. The intense pressure was rising and, just when I felt like I could scream, he’d pull away. “Tell me, Tiff… tell me.” His fingers slipped inside me again, and I pushed against them. I circled my hips, demanding that release. I greedily pushed back against his hand as he slipped in another finger.

  “Seth,” I moaned. I wanted him inside me.

  “Beg me, Angel,” he asked in a demanding whisper as he stood and pulled away from me. I heard the zipper of his pants, and I groaned again. I was pulsing with need.

  “Let me come, Seth… let me feel you.” My voice shook. He was showing me what he could do, how he could give me everything and take it away. He was showing me that I couldn’t always take care of myself. His hand trailed under my shirt and up my spine. I felt him against my entrance, but still he hesitated. Every pass of his hand sent an electrical pulse down my body.

  Without a word he slid inside me in one, long, hard stroke. I gasped, but not because it hurt, but because it was a relief. I felt genuine relief from being connected with him. He thrust into me at a slow pace, and I could feel the build, the tightness in my stomach. He leaned over my body and whispered in my ear. “Let me hold your wrists. I won’t hurt you.”

  “Show me your darkest, Seth.” He stilled. “Show me.”

  “Give me your hands.”

  I wasn’t frightened. I didn’t feel like I was being used. Seth had opened me up and was about to show me how amazing he… only he could make me feel. I reached my hands behind my back. The warmth of his skin lighting me up as he gripped my wrists, keeping them still.

  “Let me come,” I pleaded in a whisper.

  Seth’s slow rhythm built, his one hand held my wrists behind my back and his other lightly wrapped around my neck, holding me still; it was divine agony. By giving myself entirely over to him, I was showing him that I trusted him with me. Seth became aggressive, and his body met mine with furious thrusts. That overwhelming dam of pressure finally burst, and my entire body fell apart. My legs shook and my hips trembled as I called out his name. Words that I wasn’t even sure were words spilled from my lips as he let go with me. He released my wrists and, as the aftershocks wracked through my body, he growled.

  Seth’s lips were at my ear. He whispered so softly that he loved me, that I was his, that he’d never hurt me. He stood, and I did as well. He turned me and let his eyes find mine. “There you are,” he said with a smile as he pulled my hair behind my ears. Seth kissed me with such a tender reverence that if I ever doubted he loved me, I’d never doubt again. He let his lips fall away from mine, and I smiled. “You okay?” His eyes bore into mine.

  I nodded.

  “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” He kissed my cheek.

  “Only in a good way.” I chuckled softly.

  “I never want to push you.”

  “You didn’t. I wanted it that way, wanted you. Hell, I was about to just take care of myself.” I laughed at his eager expression.

  “Only if I get to watch.” He gave me a quick peck on the lips.

  “You would say that.” I rolled my eyes as I tried to find my underwear.

  We both watched each other as we got dressed and cleaned up my station. It was the type of silence you could feel in your bones. The way he observed me made me feel distinct. I couldn’t close my eyes anymore without seeing him, smell the air without his scent pulling me in, and now the sound of silence was his too. No matter what, when it was this quiet, I would probably always feel his eyes on me, and, in this moment, it was no different.

  Seth watched me; he watched me and grinned. “Stay with me tonight?”

  “Okay.” I bit my lip in order to suppress the sunshine and rainbows smile that was fighting to come out.

  He gave me a gorgeously wide smile.

  Each one, each best, worst, saddest, or darkest… it didn’t matter. We belonged to each other.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  Seth

  “FRANK’S GOING TO LOSE his mind, you know. I can’t believe you’re leaving.” Todd’s brow was premeditatedly creased as he tried to guilt Tiff.

  “No way, Todd, don’t try and make me feel bad. Lily can be the new assistant manager. With the baby coming, it’s better. Less behind the bar time, you know?” Tiff’s smile paled as she stood from the couch. I could always tell when she was thinking the opposite of what she was saying. She looked lost in her thoughts, and I knew she was already missing Blue even though she hadn’t quit yet.

  “Just leave it, man. We can’t be late, my dad made reservations.” It was getting close to when Tiff and I needed to leave to meet my father for dinner, and being late wasn’t an option when it came to Mr. Montgomery.

  The tips of my fingers skated down her arm and found a home in her hand. She glanced up at me, her smile back to its full wattage, as she laced her fingers through mine. “Ready to go then?”

  I nodded.

  “This shit’s weird, Seth… you have fucking emotions.” Todd’s smirk was smug, and I had the urge to punch him.

  “You’re an idiot. Go tend to your woman. I’m pretty sure she’s puking right now, she’s been sick all day. Have fun with that.” I laughed at Todd as he groaned, and Tiffany hit my chest with her free hand.

  “She’s creating life, assholes.” She shook her head, and her full lips pursed. “Tell her I’ll text her later.”

  “I will. You gonna come by after?” Todd asked.

  “Nope, I’ve got to talk with Frank in the morning, and I’m going to try to get some inventory done.”

  “I could take you in the morning if you wanted.” A few months ago I would have made fun of myself for being such a needy prick.

  Before we headed here last night, we’d stopped by Tiffany’s place so she could get her things to spend the night and the day with me. I got to devote the whole night and a good portion of the day in bed getting to know every button and every trigger… every little portion of her belonged to me and every part of me was hers. I should’ve been at work, getting this damn account finished, but I took the day off instead. I’d landed the Heathman account, but there were still things that needed to be wrapped up, paper work that needed to be signed. But Tiffany… Tiffany wasn’t something I was ready to let go of just yet. I was all fucking in, and I sure as hell was not going to waste a minute if she had one to give.

  “I should probably stay at my place tonight.” She smiled as she reached up on her tiptoes. “I need to recover,” she whispered, her lips feathered against my ear and the muscles in my stomach contr
acted. A shudder ran down my spine. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and calmed my need. The feel of her lips against my skin, the thought that I’d left her aching, that she could still feel me between her legs, had me all sorts of fucking ready. Ready to have her again, taste her, soothe that tender ache with my tongue.

  My jaw clenched as I brought my hand to her cheek, my thumb firm against the soft skin. Our eyes locked just before I took her mouth with a deep, hard kiss. The soft sound of her moan filled me, and I wanted to say screw dinner. I was lost in her again, and I never wanted to find the way out.

  Todd cleared his throat and when I opened my eyes, I was met with his signature goofy as shit grin. I narrowed my eyes. “Don’t even say a word, bro.”

  “What?” he asked with a laugh in his tone and a smirk on his lips as he raised his brows.

  “Not. A. Fucking. Word.”

  I took Tiff’s hand in mine. She just chuckled and shook her head.

  THE UPSCALE RESTAURANT FELT cold compared to my father’s home. I would have rather had dinner there. Tiffany looked uncomfortable as we sat at an almost private table in the back of the place. My hand secure in hers as I sat in the chair next to her. My father’s stony blue eyes didn’t miss a thing as they lingered on our joined fingers.

  “Dad, this is Tiffany,” I smiled, hoping to lighten the mood.

  “Nice to meet you, Sir.” Tiffany gave him a polite smile, but I could feel her fear. Her hand trembled in mine, and I gave it a gentle squeeze.

  My father was intimidating in his dark, imposing, black suit; the charcoal button down underneath paired with a deep maroon tie made him look all-powerful.

  He didn’t give Tiffany a reply, his lips in a firm line. He just stared at me; his eyes searching mine, begging for me to tell him this wasn’t permanent, that I wasn’t falling prey to her. “Where’s Jeff and Lacey?” I asked.

  He took a sip of his whiskey before he spoke. “They can’t afford this place, not on his salary.”

  I was immediately pissed. “You can though… you couldn’t foot the bill… just this once?” My voice was calm even though I was raging inside. I was tired of his bullshit. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Tiffany drop her gaze to the table.

  “He chose his path, son. I’ll support him in it, no handouts. Work hard for what you want, or have you started to forget everything I taught you as well?” My dad’s eyes flicked to Tiffany and then back at me with a sharp glare.

  “E-excuse me, I need to use the restroom.” She dropped my hand and stood.

  My father didn’t seem ruffled as I stood to follow Tiff. My brow furrowed as I stared at my father with angry confusion. He didn’t flinch as I walked away.

  “You okay?” My voice was low as I caught up to her.

  “No… no I’m not. I want to leave. I know when I’m not welcome.” She started to walk faster to the restrooms. “He’s an asshole, Seth. I don’t need this… I don’t need to feel worthless ever again.” She stopped abruptly and turned to face me. Her eyes filled with unshed tears.

  My mouth dried and my stomach sank. I never really hated my father… not once… until now.

  “I’m sorry, we’ll leave.” I took her hand in mine.

  “You would leave?” The crease between her eyes deepened. My eyes swept her face.

  “I would… if that’s what you want. No one is allowed to make you feel like shit, Tiff… no one.” Her lips perked up at the corners, and my eyes landed on her cheek, admiring her familiar freckles. I brought my lips to the two little dark patches of skin and then to the corner of her lips. “Better?” I smiled as I pulled away.

  “Getting there.” Her smile widened.

  “Did you really need to use the bathroom, or can we just leave.”

  “We can just leave.” She took my hand in hers, the warm feeling making me feel less anxious.

  I wanted to just walk out, no explanation, but I couldn’t do that to him. He’d become a resentful, bitter man, but I couldn’t just leave. He was still my father, and that part of me that was his son was still there. That part he instilled so deeply still lingered. Even though Tiffany was my world, I still had my past. I’d never doubt her, but I still doubted others. I still doubted the power hungry, status junkies. Just because I’d found my heart in Tiff, didn’t erase the years of anger. It was why I wanted out from my father’s business; it was why as soon as I got my first payout on this portfolio, I’d leave all this shit behind. Take my life back… I was just lucky Tiff was along for the ride.

  “He needs to know we’re leaving. I have to let him know he can’t treat you like that.”

  She gave me a sympathetic look. “Don’t fight for me, Seth, fight for yourself. Don’t let him make you feel ashamed for loving someone.”

  Despite all the shit Tiffany had been through, she was tough, and she made me want to be too. We walked back to the table hand in hand.

  “Are you two going to actually sit down to eat?” My dad’s laugh was fake as he eyed our hands again.

  “Dad, I’m only going to say this once. After that… you figure your own shit out.”

  He hissed, “Seth, watch your mouth.”

  “No, you watch yours. Don’t ever belittle me or my girl again.” He tried to interrupt, but I held my hand up to silence him. “I love you, Dad, so does Jeff, and I know despite what a dick you are to her, Lacey does too. I’ve let you poison me for so long, I can’t always tell what’s real any more. But she is… Tiff is real. She doesn’t give a shit about any of it: money, big houses, cars, none of it matters to her or to Lacey. We all found love, Dad, we did, and I’m not sorry.”

  His features softened, and he swallowed. “I-I don’t know what to say.”

  “How about you’re sorry?” Tiff spoke, and it surprised the hell out of me.

  “Tiffany.” I warned.

  “It’s okay, son.” My dad stood from his chair. “I’m proud of you, Seth, you know that. I just don’t want you to get hurt like I did, I don’t want you to waste away in a classroom trying to put food on the table for your family and then have it all fall out from under your feet.”

  “I know… but trying to live like I have been, trying to hate so hard it hurts… that’s not living, Dad, and I’m so tired of trying to prove myself to you.” I could feel the eyes of the other patrons on my back. This wasn’t the place for this. “Listen, we’re just going to leave. We can talk more tomorrow at work?”

  “I’m sorry, please… please stay, sit… okay?” My father’s power evaporated.

  His tone was pleading, and just as my chest started to squeeze, Tiffany said, “Okay.”

  “Yeah?” Our eyes met, and she smiled.

  “Thank you.” The words were quiet as I kissed her cheek.

  We ordered drinks, and we started over.

  I took a deep sip of Jameson as the silence between us all started to pulse.

  My father broke through the tension first. “I’ve screwed up, I get that. I need you to know that. But, being alone and fending for myself, it’s all I know. I want the best for you and Jeff. It’s why I did what I did; it’s why I worked to get back everything we had stolen from us.”

  “You can’t shut Jeff out because he chose a different path. You can’t shut me out because I want to as well. You’re just as bad as her, Dad, can’t you see that?” Tiffany covered my hand with hers on the tabletop, giving me a bit of her strength.

  He let his gaze fall to his empty glass. “I don’t see it that way, Seth.”

  “How can you—“

  “Don’t interrupt me.” The clipped words were rushed. “I don’t see it that way, but I know I need to change. I need to let you boys make your own choices and mistakes. Jeff is already riding his own path, and so far, it’s working for him, and now you want the same thing, and it scares me.” He cleared the emotion from his throat and sat taller.

  “You need to tell this shit to Jeff, you need to help him out. No matter what the fuck happened to you, no matter what y
ou think is right, Jeff needs his dad and Maria needs her Grandpa. Don’t worry about me. I’m still figuring my head out, but Tiff… I love her, she’s helped me.”

  Tiffany’s intake of breath drew my father’s attentions away from me and on to her. “It seems that way, doesn’t it?” His lips hinted at a small smile. “I did the best I could with you boys, and I may have let my own pain dictate my rules, and I’m sorry if that hurt you.”

  “I think we’ve all had enough, Dad… I think it’s time to move on.” I turned and immersed myself in her gaze. Tiffany’s proud smile pulled broadly as her eyes narrowed in on my mouth. The din of the restaurant faded as we absorbed the moment. I mouthed the words thank you, and she whispered I love you.

  “Maybe it is, son, maybe it is.”

  The night hadn’t been a total win; my father had so many years of bullshit clogging his veins. But, at least he could see himself for what he had become. At least, he agreed to let Jeff back in his life more. He’d apologized to Tiffany for his behavior and spent the majority of dinner talking art with her. He only asked about her family once, and when Tiff said she didn’t really have any, he dropped it.

  After he paid for the bill, which he never did, we said our goodbyes with an agreement to have dinner as a family soon. Jeff needed that, and I hoped my dad would keep his word. It felt good to finally be honest with him, to show him how he had royally fucked us up. He needed that long, hard look in the mirror, and I was grateful that Tiff had given me that push to tell him the truth.

  The ordeal was finally over, and I was driving Tiff home. I couldn’t seem to shake the shitty feeling I had. She lowered the music on the car stereo. “What’s up, you’re quiet. Dad stuff?”

  “Not really, I feel good about that actually.” I’d felt fine until we were in the car. I didn’t want to admit it, but the idea of dropping Tiff off and going home alone was eating away at me slowly. “I think I’m officially pussy whipped.”