Still Surviving

by A. M. Johnson

  “I better be.” She narrowed her eyes in mock anger. “Hey Molly, want to come help Cam and me make dinner?”

  Molly eagerly nodded her head. “You’re such a big girl. I can’t believe how much you just keep growing!” Cam took Molly’s hand in hers as they walked into Todd’s kitchen.

  “Ready?” Todd scooped Lyric from Lily’s arms.

  “Careful with his head, baby.” Lily frowned.

  “Shh. I know, you’ve told me a hundred damn times.” He gave her a smartass smirk, and she shrugged her shoulders.

  He held Lyric close to his chest. His hand looked huge next to the tiny body. Todd’s smile was the biggest I’d ever seen it as he handed me this small piece of life. He held Lyric with strength, his eyes full of honor, it made me wonder if I’d ever get to a point where this was something I could do someday.

  The thick copper patch of hair on the top of Lyric’s head brushed across my forearm as Todd carefully placed the baby in my arms. Holy shit. The feeling of having this little person in my arms affected me more than I wanted it to. I took a deep breath and summoned all my faculties so I could speak without looking like a total pussy. “This little man is a light weight, red-headed version of you, Todd.” It was true. This miniature human was Todd. Lily giggled as Todd sat next to her on the couch.

  “Seth Montgomery… that baby has my name all over it.” Tiffany’s voice filled me with an instant ease. She wrapped her arm around my waist and kissed me on the cheek before bringing her nose to Lyric’s and then back to my lips. “Hey, sweetheart,” she spoke quietly against my lips.

  “You want to hold him? Honestly, it’s freaking me out.” My eyes wide met hers.

  “Look at his teeny fingers,” she whispered animatedly. She brushed her thumb across his fingers, and he grasped hold of it. She lit up, her hazel eyes alive as she looked at me with disbelief. It was then, when Tiff looked at me with wonder, with a joy I’d never seen before in her eyes, I had the crazy realization that I wanted this. This life could be amazing… but only with her. Without her, none of this appealed to me. But I could see it. I could see her sitting on our couch, holding a small version of us, singing to him or her in that terrible shower voice of hers. I chuckled. “What?” She gave me a questioning smile.

  “You like babies?” I asked with a grin.

  “Who doesn’t?” She looked at me like I was an idiot.

  I leaned down and let my lips faintly touch her ear. “You’d be a great mother.” My voice was low.

  Her gasp was light as she pulled away to look at me. The questions in her eyes, the thoughts spinning in her head were apparent as she furrowed her brow. “You think so?”

  “I do.” I kissed her forehead. “Here.” I handed her the baby, and her smile spread from ear to ear.

  She brought her nose to his again before she sat next to Lily on the couch. “Lily, he’s perfect.” Her smile was watery as she and Lily doted over the new addition.

  “He really is,” I said.

  “See, Seth? Babies aren’t that scary. You should have seen him, Tiff. Right before you got here; I thought he was going to bolt when Todd tried to hand him the baby.” Lily laughed, and I rolled my eyes.

  “Ha-ha, Hell Cat. Come talk to me in three months when you haven’t slept and you’re ready to punch Todd in the nuts.” I snickered as her lips formed a straight line.

  “You guys are so mean to each other.” Tiffany shook her head as she chuckled.

  “She loves to hate me, isn’t that true, Lil?” My mouth turned up into a sideways smile as she tried not to smile through her pout.

  “I suppose.”

  “Oh my God, you guys are baby hogs,” Cam’s annoyed tone made Todd laugh.

  “Shit, Colby, when are you gonna get off your ass and finally marry this chick and give her a baby.”

  “Todd, you can’t say that word in front of all the kids,” Elizabeth admonished.

  “Seth just said nuts, what the hell?” Todd grumbled under his breath, and we all laughed at his expense. “You guys suck.” He shook his head as he sat on the other side of Lily.

  “We’re getting married next August, so quit your bitchin.” Colby’s tone was laced with irritation.

  Todd barked out a laugh. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll believe it when I see it.”

  THE EVENING WENT BY quickly. The room had been overheated, filled with conversation, jibes, and laughter. We hadn’t all been together like that in a long time. It was a bittersweet. Todd’s life was full, and I envied him. I’d never really felt part of anything, but being with these people tonight, being with Tiff, it felt good. Everything felt right. The ride home took too long, and I was grateful when the brake lights of Tiffany’s car turned dark as I pulled in behind her in our driveway.

  The late April nights were still chilly. “Hurry, sweetheart, I’m freezing.” Tiffany shivered as she waited for me by our front door. She vigorously rubbed her bare arms with her hands. Her short-sleeved T-shirt offered little protection from the weather.

  “Get your ass inside then.” I grinned as she wiggled her hips at me. “Don’t tempt me, Angel.” I wrapped my arm around her waist and unlocked the door.

  “I make no promises.” She giggled as she stepped into the house and headed towards the bedroom.

  I followed closely behind. I watched as she dropped her keys onto the dresser. She rolled her head to the right and then slowly to the left. She pulled the tie from her hair and it fell against her shoulders; her petite frame… delicate, as she leaned down to remove her shoes. “God, Seth, that baby, isn’t he just adorable?” Unaware of my gaze, she turned to look at me and stopped suddenly. Her eyes meeting mine. “What?”

  My shoulder rested against the frame of our bedroom door. “I want that.” The words were nearly inaudible.

  “Want what? A baby?” Her brow creased and her lips slightly tilted up at the corners as she studied me.

  I pushed off the doorframe… two steps, two heartbeats, two breaths.

  “I want it all, Tiff.” I brought my hands to her cheeks, her mouth opened for me and I kissed her softly.

  “W-what are you saying?” Her lips dusted against my mouth as she spoke, her eyes searching mine for answers.

  “I’m saying I want everything… with you… babies, dinners, holidays, annoying family get-togethers with Todd and Lily, birthday cakes… all of it. Tiff, I know we’re not traditional. We’ve both had too much fucking pain in our lives for that bullshit. But, I know I can’t see any version of my life without you.”

  Tiffany’s bottom lip trembled. “I want all of it, too,” the resonance of her words wavered.

  I let my gaze fall to the dresser top where Tiff’s sketchpad and a handful of Sharpies lay. I let my hands fall from her face as I grabbed one of the black markers and opened it placing the cap in my pocket.

  “Seth?” Her hazel eyes glimmered with tears.

  I turned her palm over in my left hand and placed the black ink on her skin. “She is mine,” I whispered as I wrote the words along her flesh. “Be my wife?” My voice a shaky whisper, I had no idea what the hell I was doing, but this was what I wanted, what I needed. We’d fought our feelings for so many years, fought against what we should have done ages ago. I was done fighting.

  She took the marker from my hand and turned my palm in hers. My stomach in knots, her silent lips parted with a quiet breath as the marker hit my skin. “I am hers,” the three words slipped across her red lips, and I smiled as she wrote across my palm.

  She placed the marker on the dresser and linked our hands. The wet ink mixing as our fingers tangled together. “I don’t need traditional, Seth.” Her lips still quivered and her voice was heavy. “I-I just need you. I trust you. I love you. No ring, piece of paper or fancy dress will ever change that. I married you the day I saw you.”

  I couldn’t contain my stupid grin as she brought her full lips to mine. “So, is that a no then?” I chuckled against her mouth.

  She nipped at my upp
er lip and smiled. Her arms now draped around my neck, her eyes steady as she watched my expression. “Seth, how can I say no to birthday cakes and annoying family dinners with Todd?” Her laugh was infectious, and my shoulders shook.

  My right hand rested against her cheek as my thumb grazed her jaw line; Tiffany leaned into the touch. “Be my wife?” The question was a low rumble as I kissed her lips. Tiffany’s mouth moved with ease at first, her hands dropped and she gripped my shoulders as I deepened the kiss. My tongue tasting hers. She made me breathless every goddamn day; every fucking tick of the clock belonged to this woman.

  She pulled away and lifted her shirt over her head. Her pale pink nipples on display, I licked my lips. “I’m yours, Seth, always have been, always will be.” She lifted the hem of my shirt and I pulled it over my head, her breasts now pressed against my chest as she leaned her warm body along mine. Our mouths met and moved together with violent kisses as we removed the rest our clothes. I pulled away from her lips as I raised her up easily. Her legs wrapped around my waist, our mouths coming together again in a sweet assault as her back hit the mattress.

  “Fuck, Tiff.” The muscles in my neck strained as I slid inside her in a slow, drawn out thrust. I wanted to savor her, to feel each second of the ache only she knew how to cure.

  I lifted her arms above her head and held her wrist gently as I pushed myself deeply inside. Her teeth pulled on my lower lip as she gave herself over to me. Her whispered words, her soft moans, her body, my body. She stilled underneath me as if she was aware of my need to prolong this, her wrist still bound by my hands, and kissed me with long lazy strokes. The intensity of the moment filled the air with static. Her eyes locked on mine as she lifted her hips slowly, once, then again, each movement making me groan — making me want to beg her for more. She bit her lip as I began to meet her rhythm, taking her higher, harder with each pulse.

  My forehead fell against hers, and my body began to tense just as she whispered, “Make me your wife, Seth. Make me yours forever.”

  EPILOGUE

  Tiffany

  Six Months Later

  THE MUSIC WAS A quiet saturation as it played through the shop. The smooth buzz of the machine cut off, and Seth’s vivid blue eyes met mine. There was no pain, no fear… just pure happiness. He was all I had ever wanted and today it was official. “She is Mine” stood out against my pale skin in a small but artful script. My left ring finger permanently marked, like my soul, like my heart. Seth’s smile was broad as he took in his own ink. He stepped off the stool; his black sweater hugged the muscles on his chest. The dark color of the fabric was my favorite on him. His chiseled jaw was pronounced, his cheekbones high — he was a walking sculpture. Perfect lines, his jeans snug on his thighs… stunning. My eyes never left him as he walked the short distance to where I was watching him.

  He, too, permanently marked his body, giving me ownership. Seth mouthed the words in a whisper, “I am Hers” before his soft, full lips enveloped me. The warmth of his right hand soaked through the thin fabric of my white dress. His fingertips tracing the lace cap sleeves along my shoulder, down my spine where his hand finally pressed against the small of my back.

  “How’s it feel, Angel?” His eyes watched me.

  “Not too bad? Was yours painful?” I took his left hand in mine and assessed it.

  He chuckled. “No, I mean, how’s it feel to be my wife?”

  My eyes cast down for a split second and his finger was under my chin, pulling my eyes to his. I’d never seen his blue so alive. “I’m not your wife yet.”

  He gave me a confused look. We had signed the paperwork this morning and came here after to get our “rings.” There was no traditional ceremony, no friends and family… just us. Always and forever us, and I was perfectly content with that. “We haven’t said our vows yet.” My lips spread slowly as the crease in his brow relaxed.

  “Let’s get out of here then?” he asked and then bit the corner of his lip.

  We said our goodbyes to my boss and thanked him for doing our tattoos. The sky was full of clouds, and the dried leaves of the maple-lined street skated across the asphalt as we left the shop. Seth’s SUV was already started when he scooped me up like the bride I was and easily opened the door, placing me gently in the front seat. My giggle erupted before I could stop it. Giddy didn’t cover how I was feeling in that moment. I was Mrs. Seth fucking Montgomery.

  Seth

  THE RAIN HIT THE windshield in large drops as I pulled into the field across from Lagoon. I exhaled a harsh breath. This damn rain was going to mess up what we had planned. I put the Audi in park and watched Tiffany fidget with nervous energy as she watched the water stream down her side window. She’d never looked more beautiful than she did today. Her dress appeared to be older, but she was still gorgeous in it. She had called it “vintage.” I didn’t give a shit, she looked like an old-school pin up girl, and I thought it was sexy as hell. The lace stretched across her shoulders and chest. Her tattoos peeked through; her pale skin was like porcelain underneath the lace and ink. The material hugged her breast down to the waist before flowing out, just hitting her knees. Her red lips spread into a shy smile. She pulled her hair up and tied it into a messy bun as she spoke, “It’s almost as if it should be raining, you know?”

  She gave me a wistful look. “I know, but it sort of ruins everything.”

  “Why?” She started to open the car door.

  “Tiff,” I laughed. “What about your dress?”

  She shook her head. “Come on, you should know I don’t care about that. This, us… it’s all that matters, Seth, let’s go.” Her smile stretched, the creases around her eyes deepened. My gaze fell to the two freckles just under her right eye, placed smoothly on her cheekbone… magnificent.

  I turned off the engine but left the headlights on. The rain soaked through her dress immediately and my jeans felt weighted down as we made our way to front of the car, the light from the headlamps our own private spot light.

  She pressed her body against mine, her hair dripping and mine hanging down almost in my eyes. Tiffany linked her arms behind my neck as I kissed her deeply. The rainwater trickled and mixed with her familiar taste.

  She eased away from my lips, kissing me softly. Her lips at the corner of my mouth. “Ready?”

  We laced our left hands. The slight burn of the new ink was nothing compared to the pressure in my chest. This sweet… flawless ache, my sternum felt as if it would fucking break, unable to contain the pure love I had for this girl. “Tiffany—“

  “Mrs. Montgomery, please.” She smirked.

  “Mrs. Montgomery.” I paused trying to gather what I had thought to say and she grinned. “I promise to always be here for you… for us. I’ll cherish you, I’ll make sure you feel it, feel me… feel my love… every day. I’ll make sure you know each day how sexy and beautiful you are. Even if there are bad days, days when I think we’ll never see eye to eye… I’ll love you. Even when I’m dead and in the ground, I’ll come back for you. I promise, Tiff, I fucking swear, you’ll never be alone again.”

  Tiffany’s chest moved rapidly as she fought to keep her emotions in check. Her lips parted as if to speak, but instead she kissed me again. This one kiss heated my entire body. She pulled away too soon, and her eyes were full of tears. “That was—“

  “I didn’t know what the hell to say…” I interrupted. “…but it’s true, every damn word, Tiff.” I kissed her again.

  “You…” She cleared her throat. The rain started to die down to just a mist. “Mr. Montgomery.” She shivered and I drew her against my body, my arms circled around her waist. “I died that day, when I was seventeen. I was a shell. I let myself do things…” She closed her eyes, shook her head, and swallowed.

  When her eyes opened, they shined as they found mine. “When you walked into Blue, I knew. I knew that I would fall in love with you. I knew that I would surrender, submit to you. From this day on, I’m yours, and I promise to never let a da
y go by without telling you how much you mean to me. I promise to always honor you and give you my physical body as well as my soul. Seth, there will be times when we can’t see the light anymore… I swear to try and always ignite it. I’ll fight to keep us as one, when all we want to do is run, I’ll be there… I’ll never let you feel abandoned again.”

  Her words threatened to cut me open in the best of ways. “Tiff.” The syllable strangled me. My fucking tears surfaced, and I dropped my forehead to hers. “My life was a game of survival until I met you. You fucking saved me, Tiff. Every day with you…” I leaned back and looked into her eyes. My hands raising the hem of her dress. “…it’s a clean start.”

  I backed her against car, and she gasped. My fingers braced the flesh of her hips, the wet fabric pushed up to her waist. I lifted her and sat her on the metal surface of the hood. My body between her legs.

  “Seth?” She pulled her bottom lip through her teeth as my fingers ran up her cold thighs, her cheeks flushed as I pulled her panties off with a swift tug. “Just like we started then?” She smiled up at me like I was about to give her the world.

  I planned to give her more. My wife deserved nothing less.

  I leaned in and tasted her lips, her hands loosening my buckle. “Just like we started, Angel.”

  THE END

  If you are in emotional distress, struggling to cope, and/or are affected by any of the issues covered in this novel, please contact:

  https://www.rainn.org

  National Sexual Assault Helpline

  1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

  The Samaritans USA 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

  The Samaritans UK 08457 90 90 90

  NOW AND FOREVER STILL

  A PROLOGUE