You Will Remember Me

by Hannah Mary McKinnon

  “Can you please tell me what you two talked about?” I said gently.

  Maya relayed their conversation, ending with, “Surely you can see how this has to be really hard for her?”

  “Yes, I can,” I said, my anger dissipating some more.

  “Anyway,” Maya continued, “you’ll talk to her tomorrow. It’ll be fine, I’m sure.”

  “Maybe I should go and see her now.”

  She shook her head. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. You don’t know how she’ll react. You could end up pushing her away. Look, let’s try to relax and talk things through some more. I need a drink. Want a beer?”

  Given the circumstances, I would’ve happily downed an entire keg. As Maya got our drinks I headed to the bathroom, where I reminded myself to get a grip. Lily needed some more time to think things through. Understandable and no big deal. Except it was a big deal because I wanted to see her.

  Back in the living room Maya handed me a bottle of beer, some unfiltered stuff with licorice or something. I’d examined it earlier and put it straight back in the fridge in favor of a soda. When she saw my raised eyebrow she said, “You love this brand. It’s local stuff, you can only get it around here.”

  I shrugged and took a sip. It tasted bitter and smelled worse than dog crap, so when Maya turned her back I poured most of it into the only houseplant we had, hoping I wouldn’t kill it.

  After dinner we watched some television, but I could feel Maya observing me, so I feigned heavy yawning and headed upstairs only to toss and turn in bed as my nerves built.

  A few hours until Lily would arrive, and I was expected to hold a proper conversation with her, my partner. Thinking of her that way felt odd. What would I do when she arrived? Give her a hug? A kiss? If it was the latter, on the cheek or the lips? Or should I be formal and shake her hand? Her not coming until the morning was a good thing after all because I needed more time, too. The situation was bizarre enough, but what compounded it further was the fact I found Lily attractive. Exceedingly so. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise seeing as we were a couple, but realizing we’d been together—including intimately—and I had no recollection of her, made me feel a combination of angry and helpless, anxious and sad. I wondered what she’d seen in me when we met, what I’d been like as a boyfriend. Had I been as foul-tempered with her as I was with Maya? The thought made me shudder and I added the question to my growing list and included another: Why did she want to have anything to do with me now, considering my lies?

  I wondered if I should’ve been writing this stuff down in case my memory morphed into even more of an unpredictable animal. I clenched my jaw tight, squeezed my eyes shut. Dr. Adler would give me the results of the second batch of blood tests soon, and it would’ve been a lie to say I wasn’t worried. What if there really was something more wrong with me? What if my amnesia had less to do with whatever happened on the beach that night and more with a cancerous tumor eating away at my brain? I flopped around in bed for another while before giving up, but trying to ignore everything wrong with the inside of my head became impossible.

  The house was quiet—I’d heard Maya go to bed a while ago—and I sneaked past her bedroom and down the stairs, avoiding the third one from the top because I now knew it creaked. Maya had told me how she’d figured it out the first time she and Ophelia stayed in the house, when she’d sneaked down to the kitchen for a midnight snack. My dad had heard footfalls, and when he’d found Maya with her nose buried in the fridge, he’d made her a giant hot chocolate complete with sprinkles and marshmallows, and two slices of peanut butter toast.

  “I loved your dad,” she’d said. “He was the dad I’d dreamed about when I was a kid. Our family was perfect. It was everything I’d ever wanted.”

  I’d made some excuse about having something in my eye because the thought of my father being such a good man, of whom I only had filaments of memories, made me choke up. I wanted to remember him, my mum, Ophelia and Maya, properly. I wanted to remember the place I grew up in, where I went to school. I wanted to remember Celine, Kate and Lily, even my history with Keenan so it all made sense.

  Maya’s car keys hung on the fish-shaped hook in the kitchen, so I grabbed them, pressing the set into my palm. I hoped driving was part of what Dr. Soares had referred to as my semantic memory and I wouldn’t end up in a ditch. Now was the time to find out.

  As I reached the front door, I doubled back to the kitchen. I took a couple of twenties from Maya’s wallet, wrote an I Owe You note and popped it inside before deciding to scribble another message to leave on the table in case Maya woke up to find the house empty.

  Gone out for a drive. Back soon. Don’t worry.

  Not quite satisfied, I underlined the last two words three times and added four exclamation marks to convey the message properly.

  The air outside was cool with a hint of a salty breeze, and I hurried to the car, glancing over my shoulder as if I were a teenager whose parents might bust me as soon as I turned on the engine. I headed out of the driveway, enjoying the sudden sense of control, the certainty I knew what I was doing and the freedom that came with it. I accelerated up the street and glanced at Keenan’s house, where the lights were off, and no car was parked outside. I kept going, taking my time as I got into town, looking around for nighttime clues or hints, places I’d been or people I knew—anything I might recall from the years I’d spent here. Still, nothing.

  Maya had mentioned how Newdale’s population grew over the summer months, filled with campers, beachgoers and other tourists passing through. The balmy evening had kept the masses outside, many of the bars and restaurant terraces still at least half-full, the quiet din of late-night chatter filling the air.

  I recognized the turnoff to Dr. Adler’s office. If it hadn’t been so late and he wasn’t on vacation, maybe I’d have considered stopping by for someone to talk to, although I knew he’d reiterate Dr. Soares’s statement about there being no magic pill. “Give yourself time to heal,” he’d say. “Be patient.” Fine, but how much bloody time and patience was I supposed to have?

  I kept going, past Drift and the few other stores, coffee shops and restaurants, and farther still. It was the first time since I’d arrived that I’d explored this side of town and, with the confidence in my abilities bolstered, I kept going. I passed a bar and grill called the Place Down the Road, and a blue neon sign above the barn-style door flickered sporadically, proclaiming it to be open. It looked almost full inside, and I craned my neck to see the terrace on the side, which was lit up with twinkling fairy lights, and looked just as crowded. The smell of fish and chips wafted through the air, making my stomach rumble.

  I nabbed a free parking spot a little farther down and doubled back on foot, not yet certain I could face that much hubbub. When I got a little closer, I looked across the street and saw one of the only people I recognized—Lily. She sat on a bench alone, her head bent. As I looked at her, she lifted her chin, and when she saw me her mouth dropped open. She slowly raised her hand in a tentative wave, and when I returned the gesture, she smiled.

  Hoping my feet wouldn’t betray me and make me trip, I crossed the road and walked up to her, the warmth of a blush creeping over my face. Once again, I felt as if I were a teenager—although I had no recollection of what I’d been like, but if my dry mouth and the way my stomach had turned itself into knots were anything to go by, I must’ve been an awkward, tongue-tied fool.

  “Hi,” I muttered when I got there, before trying again. “Hello, Lily.”

  Her face lit up, a small dimple forming on her left cheek. “Couldn’t sleep, either?” she said, and I shook my head. “Are you and Maya out for a walk, too?”

  “No, it’s just me.”

  “Oh, well, uh, do you want to...?” She gestured to the empty spot next to her.

  I sat down and the silence settled between us. I wasn’t sure how to act. This was
a woman I’d cared for, maybe loved, even. We’d no doubt been together countless times, yet, here I was, searching for something to say. I stole a sideways glance at her. She’d swept her hair into a loose ponytail, which had come a little undone, a few soft strands framing her face, reaching down to her neck. Her deep blue eyes, straight nose and high-set cheekbones—each feature beautiful in its own right—combined, made her stunning.

  She turned her head, and when she caught my stalker-in-the-headlights gaze, she laughed. “You’re staring. Stop it or you’ll make me feel really self-conscious.”

  I pulled a face, relieved she’d been the one to break the tension. “I’m glad you’re still in town. I was worried you might leave before I got to see you again.”

  She looked away, her face turning serious. “I thought about it. Leaving, I mean.”

  “Did you?”

  “Yeah... I’m confused. I’m angry. And it’s all so...weird.”

  “I’m not sure the word is strong enough.”

  “Let me know when you come up with a better one.”

  I smiled. “But...you decided to stay. Why?”

  She took a deep breath before counting on her fingers. “Because I have questions, because I want to help, but most of all...because—” she shook her head “—because I need to know how much I still care about you.” Her eyes met mine, deep and intense. “I can’t believe I found you. Or that you’re alive. My life has been hell.”

  “I’m not even going to pretend to understand,” I whispered, almost reaching for her hand. “I keep reminding myself I’m not the only one trying to figure it out, but I owe you whatever explanation I can give.” After taking a deep breath, I told her about the beach and the trailer, and what had happened since I’d got to Newdale. She sat, nodding and listening, taking in every word. The more I talked, the more I realized something about her presence seemed to have a calming effect on me, making my pulse rate and breathing slow down for the first time in days.

  “I get you have amnesia,” she said when I’d finished. “I get you don’t remember me. I mean, I don’t understand but...you know. What I don’t get is why you lied about who you are.”

  “I wish I knew,” I said. “I honestly wish I had all the answers we’re looking for... After we saw you in the street earlier, Maya told me how you found me with an old Facebook photo.”

  “After you saw me in the street?” Lily said, her eyebrows darting upward. “She didn’t tell you before?”

  “She didn’t connect the dots,” I said.

  Lily looked like she was going to argue the point but instead she paused and changed the subject. I listened as she talked about her trip to Newdale, took in how she gesticulated with her hands for emphasis, tucked the same lock of stray hair behind her ear, her heart-pendant bracelet twinkling in the moonlight as she did so.

  “I need to ask you something,” she said. “And I want you to be honest. Promise?”

  “I promise I will if I know the answer.”

  “That’s fair... All right, here goes. You need time to work things through, so do you think it’s a good idea for me to stay in Newdale?”

  I looked at her and hesitated, not because I didn’t know what to say, but because I wanted it to be the answer she was hoping for. Maya had said Lily seemed glad I was out when she came to the house this afternoon. Did that mean she was wishing for a get-out-of-jail-free card, a way to absolve herself from our relationship so she could go home, put all this behind her and continue with a less complicated life? Or did she want to stay?

  “Ash? Can you please tell me what you think?”

  “Selfishly, yes, I want you to stay. Unless you don’t want to, or they need you at work—”

  “Actually, I got laid off earlier.” She shrugged. “Life can really suck, can’t it?”

  “Was it because of me? Because you came here?”

  Lily gave a dismissive wave. “Mike knew—” She must’ve caught my clueless expression because she stopped and said, “Mike’s my boss. I work at a garage. The place folded.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “Two weeks ago, I’d have been devastated. Now, the only thing that matters—” she gave a small shrug “—is you.”

  I was about to answer when a man across the street caught my eye. Tall, wide, red hair. Keenan. Jesus Christ, the last thing I needed was for a fight to erupt on the genteel streets of Newdale, or for Lily to see me get into fisticuffs with my neighbor. Thankfully, he disappeared into the bar, but when I turned my head, Lily was eyeing me, frowning.

  “Someone you know?” she said.

  “A guy called Keenan and let’s just say he’s not my number one fan.”

  “That’s Keenan?”

  “You know him?”

  “Of him. I met his sister Fiona. She runs the motel where I’m staying. The Harbor Inn? She mentioned you two don’t get along. Something to do with their sister?”

  “Celine,” I said, and when she nodded, I let out a breath. I must have told Lily about my high-school sweetheart, which had to count for something, surely, but then she continued.

  “Fiona said it’s also because he dated your girlfriend Kate before you got together.” She lowered her voice. “You never mentioned them in all the time I’ve known you. Just like you never told me about Maya, either.”

  My head felt as if I’d stuck it inside a wind tunnel, all the words flying past at warp speed, none of them making it into my brain properly. I tried to process what she’d said. The music from the bar seemed to have increased tenfold, my messed-up brain incapable of separating or dealing with all the sounds and words and meanings. Lily must have made a mistake. Maybe she’d forgotten I’d ever mentioned Celine or Kate. Besides, wasn’t it normal for most people to keep relatively schtum about their exes? Except Celine had left, Kate had died, Keenan blamed me for both and I’d told Lily exactly zip about it all. And all that on top of never mentioning my stepsister. What the hell was wrong with me?

  I felt my pulse racing in the side of my head, blood thundering in my ears. I’d gone out searching for answers but ended up worse off than before. It was late, I was tired, exhausted, actually, as the entire weight of the situation sank onto my shoulders like a couple of giant boulders.

  “I should go,” I said.

  “Shit. I’ve upset you—”

  “No, it’s fine, but I should get back. Get some rest.”

  “Can I still come by tomorrow morning?” she said quickly. “If you need to rearrange you can call the motel, or I gave Maya my number...”

  Her voice sounded desperate, but as rude and cowardly as it was, I didn’t have the mental bandwidth to deal with it. That wasn’t the only thing, I realized, as I stood up. Another reason for leaving Lily there on the bench was because I didn’t want to have one of my angry outbursts in front of her. I didn’t want to disappoint her. “Of course. I’ll see you then,” I said, giving her a brief wave before walking away, back to the relative safety of the car.

  The drive home took a lot less time than it should have, and when I got back to the house, I prepared to creep back upstairs. Impossible, because the lights were on, and when I got close enough to see in through the windows, I spotted Maya pacing the living room. As soon as I opened the front door, her hands went to her hips.

  “Where the hell were you?” she shouted.

  “I went for a drive. There’s a note in—”

  “I saw. What the hell, Ash? I thought you’d crashed the car, or—”

  “Obviously, I didn’t. I saw Lily and we had a chat.”

  Her mouth was still open, but her words seemed to have dried up. She walked over, yanked the car keys from my hand and said, “And what did you two chat about?”

  “I don’t believe that’s any of your business,” I said, about to brush past her and go upstairs but she grabbed hold of my arm.


  “Of course it is. I want to make sure you’re safe.”

  Once again, Maya had pushed that invisible button, making all my anger rush up my throat in one go. “Jesus Christ, stop treating me like a child, would you?” I shouted, removing her hand as my voice bounced off the walls. “Stop breathing down my neck all the time. Just back off, will you?”

  “But—”

  “No. That’s enough.” I forced my rage back inside myself, moved toward the stairs before I said or did something I might regret. I threw a glance at her over my shoulder, expecting to see a look of hurt and confusion on her face, and which I’d apologize for in the morning. Except there was none. Her expression was one of outright fury far greater than mine. She stood in the middle of the hallway, car keys clutched tight to her chest, knuckles white, her eyes like daggers, piercing my skin all the way to the bone.

  23

  LILY

  I’d been in my motel room for two hours, walking back and forth, left to right, right to left, wearing down the carpet as I went over the events of the evening. My visit with Maya had made me question if my leaving town would be better for Ash, and myself, but Dr. Adler had said it might help, and Ash wanted me to stay. As I thought about how Maya hadn’t told him I’d called, two details hit me, and made me stop pacing. First, during our initial conversation I’d told Maya I was looking for a man called Jack Smith, and second, despite his amnesia, Ash had known he’d traveled up from Maryland. Surely, he’d have told Maya that when he’d arrived here the day after he went missing, which would mean she’d have known before I’d called and asked about the photo.