You Will Remember Me

by Hannah Mary McKinnon

  “I imagine this is a huge shock for you, and really hard to hear, especially with the amnesia and him not remembering you. At all.” I sighed heavily and crossed my arms, shaking my head. “I wish he’d told you about them. He really should have.”

  “I...I thought I knew him. I thought he loved...” She stopped but I knew she wanted to say me. That was strike two. Another blow to her already crushed heart.

  “It’s not easy for any of us...but can I ask, have you told the police about finding Ash?”

  She shifted in her seat. “No, not yet.”

  “I’d say it’s best if we don’t,” I said. “At least until he’s feeling a bit better.”

  “I’m not sure—”

  “Just for a while, please. What my brother needs right now is space and rest, not to be hauled in for questioning about why he was living under a false identity. Let’s not do that to him. I’m sure you understand he’s completely overwhelmed. Before he went out, he told me he needs a break.”

  Her eyes flashed. “From me?”

  I paused for a while before answering. “I’m sure that’s not what he meant...”

  “I need some time,” she said, getting up, her voice filling with panic as she took a step toward the door. “Coming here early wasn’t a good idea after all. I need to think things through before I speak to him. I—I’d like to come back tomorrow morning instead. Around nine? I’ll give you my number in case that doesn’t work for...Ash.”

  Was that strike three? Was she hoping it wouldn’t work for him, and this was her way out? Would she even come tomorrow? The seeds of doubt had been planted and were already taking root, getting ready to bloom. I could see it in her demeanor, the way she looked like she couldn’t wait to turn and bolt out the door. With any luck she’d drive straight to Maryland without looking back, leaving Ash here, where he belonged. With me.

  After Lily scribbled down her details, she left without saying a proper goodbye. I closed the door and rested my back against it, let the relief of my actions seep in. When I caught a glance of myself in the hallway mirror, I smiled. Ever since I was a kid, I’d known what people saw when they looked at me: long, lanky legs, skeletal frame, black fluffy hair and enormous eyes. Waifish and elfin were two words often used to describe me. I’d loathed and detested them for their synonymy with weak. Except I knew now they’d always been to my advantage. They were why people underestimated me.

  21

  LILY

  Not long after I’d left Ash and Maya’s place—was that how I’d have to refer to it as of now, their place?—my mood flipped from despondent to enraged. I was relieved Maya had agreed to my returning in the morning because if I saw Ash now, there was no telling what I might say or do to him. He’d been considered a suspect in Kate’s death? How could he have kept something like that from me? No, I’d never told him about my sordid past, but I’d been convicted, he hadn’t. I’d had more to hide...hadn’t I?

  My feelings shifted again, my heart pounding as I pulled over, rested my head on the steering wheel and shut my eyes, willing myself to wake up from this incessant freak show and go back to my normal life where Ash was Jack and we were happy, and I was blissfully ignorant.

  I didn’t move until a short pap-pap of a horn sounded in my ears. A red Subaru WRX had pulled up next to me, and the huge red-haired guy I’d seen at the Cliff’s Head earlier, now sporting a pair of shiny aviator sunglasses, had rolled down his window, and gestured for me to do the same. “Are you okay?” he said when I’d complied.

  “Y-yes, I’m fine.” I tried a smile, which probably looked like a hideous grimace.

  “You sure? Need directions or anything?”

  My smile felt a little more natural this time, the amiability of small towns warming my heart. “No, thanks. I know where I’m going.” At least geographically speaking, I wanted to add.

  “All right then.” He gave me a grin and a small salute as he set off again.

  The random act of kindness stirred up my emotions, releasing another wave of feelings I didn’t know what to do with. “Jack lied to me,” I whispered. “Damn it. I mean Ash. Ash. Ash.” I was shouting now, bellowing in my car, and pounding my steering wheel with my palms. Once my nerves and anger all subsided enough for me to drive without crashing into a utility pole, I started up the engine. As I headed for the motel, I tried convincing myself I hated my boyfriend—ex-boyfriend?—and should pack up and leave town, but my desire to understand who he was and somehow come to terms with why he’d lied, triumphed.

  Did I still love him, though? Could I? The potential answers terrified me, so I turned my thoughts to Maya. Despite the lies and half-truths I’d uncovered about Ash, I could feel a large part of me was jealous of his stepsister. Resentful he’d found his way back here to her and not to me. Hurt he had no recollection of who I was. It was unreasonable and churlish, and there was no time for any of it. I decided to ignore the part of my brain screaming at me to flee Maine and pretend none of this was happening. Not an option. I had to help him, which meant I couldn’t go home, not yet. I’d only found Ash again today, and we’d barely spoken. There were too many open questions, so much I needed to know, even more so after what I’d learned from Fiona and Maya.

  Besides, Ash would now be expecting me in the morning and that gave me enough time to sort through my seemingly endless thoughts. No, running away wasn’t an option. Not when I still had some kind of feelings for him, and not until I discovered the truth. Staying was the only way to know for sure if we had any kind of future—and if I wanted one—or if our relationship had died in the ocean on the night everyone thought he’d perished, too. One way or another, I needed closure, and the only people who could help with that were Ash and his sister.

  I tried not to shudder when I remembered how Maya had stared at me, as if she could somehow see into my soul. I figured we were about the same age, but she seemed older, wiser and way more self-assured. Being assertive like that didn’t come naturally to me, something Dominic Martel had picked up on easily, and used to his full advantage. I’d noticed how Maya spoke, too, always direct and with certainty, and in the few encounters we’d had, I’d never heard her use a single filler word—not an uh, or an um, not even a misplaced like. She knew exactly what she wanted to say, and expressed herself so precisely, it was as if she’d rehearsed for weeks. Charismatic, interesting, sexy and seductive were words to describe Maya. Where did that leave me? Intimidated, that’s where.

  I grabbed a sandwich from a small store in town and added a bottle of white wine on a whim. Back at the motel I sat on the plastic chair outside my room, absentmindedly eating food I didn’t want, and leaving the alcohol to cool in the fridge. My belt would need another hole soon if I didn’t eat properly and on a regular basis. Had Ash been the Jack I knew, and he’d noticed my shrinking frame, he’d have burst in with a giant, cheese-laden pizza, and a stack of Patti’s blueberry pancakes bigger than my head.

  My face fell, replaced by the fear he’d never know me again, wouldn’t remember anything we’d ever shared. All our inside jokes and all our memories were now mine and mine alone. Losing him once had been hard enough, but a second time, especially when he was in front of me, so close yet out of reach... I didn’t think I was made to withstand those levels of heartache. I’d loved Ash more than anyone. We’d had a future together. He was the first man who didn’t make me doubt myself, who let me be me, and loved me for who I was. A good man, Fiona had said. Except he’d lied. And because of that I now doubted everything.

  I sat back, pulled out my phone and was about to dive into research about amnesia before changing my mind and searching for local doctors instead, scrolling down the short list until I found the name Ash had mentioned: Dr. Adler. “No time like the present,” I said, putting my sandwich down and dialing his number, explaining who I was, and why I was calling, in ten seconds flat.

  Dr. Adler cut me of
f as soon as I mentioned Ash’s name. “I’m afraid I can’t discuss—”

  “I understand. Confidentiality and all that. But could I come and talk to you about amnesia in general? Please? I’m so lost and I don’t know what to do.”

  “I’m sorry, Ms. Reid, but I’m about to go on vacation.”

  “On the phone then?” I said. “I don’t know much about amnesia, but I’ve heard of the retrograde kind before. I believe it’s what Ash has, where he’s lost his past?” His silence reminded me he wouldn’t discuss his patients, so I tried again. “I don’t know much about it, but is it true it may only last awhile?”

  “Each case is unique,” Dr. Adler said, “but as I mentioned, I can’t go into specifics.”

  “Yes, yes, of course, but I’m wondering if my being here is a good idea.”

  “You have to understand I’m a family physician, not a neuro-specialist. However, theoretically speaking, in the case of retrograde amnesia I’d advise the patient to be in familiar surroundings as much as possible, and to try and get back to their normal routine.”

  “But in Ash’s case...?” I stopped. “I mean, what would the best scenario be for a person who’s been living elsewhere? Where would it make the most sense for them to try to get their memory back? The place they’ve been living for the past few years, or the town they grew up in?”

  “Well, depending on the type of amnesia, often older memories are recovered first, so I suppose the argument could be made the person might benefit from being in their childhood surroundings.”

  “Oh...”

  “On the other hand, someone who spent a lot of time with the patient in recent years may well jolt the memories of their more recent past. Frankly, it’s difficult to say. Each brain is wired a little differently, and each case of amnesia is unique. There are no hard-and-fast rules.”

  “Could my... I mean—” I blew out my cheeks “—I want to know if my being here might harm him or hamper his progress.”

  Dr. Adler took a deep breath. “In this theoretical case I’d advise you to watch for the patient’s reactions. If he seems distressed or angry when he sees you, my advice would be to back off and try again later. Less might be more. Does that make sense?”

  “Yes, thank you. Could Ash—”

  “Ms. Reid, I can’t go into more detail. If you want to discuss this case specifically, please come back with Mr. Bennett. I’m afraid it’s the best I can do. Be patient with him,” he added softly. “And with yourself. I can only imagine how difficult it must be, but he’s lucky to have people who care so deeply for him. It’ll definitely help with his recovery. You can come see me again anytime after I get back, together, or for matters pertaining to your own health, of course, or should you need a referral to a specialist to help you deal with this situation.”

  “Of course. Thank you,” I whispered, not wanting to hang up, but knowing I had to.

  As I sat outside on my plastic chair, I wondered what to do for the rest of the evening. I debated sightseeing, taking a drive up the coast or down to Portland, but with everything weighing on my mind, playing tourist felt ridiculous. I still hadn’t decided what to do when I saw Fiona walking to the room a few doors down, a stack of folded towels in her arms. She waved at me as she knocked on the door, and once she’d delivered the laundry, came over.

  “Hey, Lily. How’s everything?”

  I was going to reply everything was great, but couldn’t get my mouth to utter the lie, and so instead I said, “I’m supposed to see Ash tomorrow and I don’t know how to deal with it.” I looked up at her and wrinkled my nose. “Oh, you meant the room, didn’t you?”

  She shook her head. “No, I didn’t. I meant you.”

  “I don’t know how I am. This whole situation is so...weird. I went to see Ash at the house, but he was out and after talking to Maya I’m not sure I want to go back.”

  “Maya’s always been very...intense when it comes to her brother, he must have mentioned that,” she said, her words and delivery cautious.

  I’d actually meant I might not want to return to the house because of what I’d discovered about her sister and Kate, but while Fiona’s interpretation of my words was different, it wasn’t entirely wrong, either.

  “Intense?” I said. “You mean protective?”

  “Sure, that, too.” She hesitated again before saying, “I’m sure he told you she had a major crush on him when they first met.”

  “Oh, yeah, sure.” I tried to keep my voice light so she wouldn’t realize I didn’t have the slightest idea, or that it sounded a little creepy. “But at that age, I mean, he was...?”

  “Fifteen. She was twelve. Everybody knew from the start, but Maya thought it wasn’t obvious. Did he tell you about the notebook?”

  “Uh, I don’t think so.”

  “She carried it with her everywhere, used to scribble in it incessantly, like a journal, I suppose. Anyway, she dropped it on the bus. Apparently, one of the high-school mean girls found it, you know the type.”

  “Too well, unfortunately.”

  “Yeah, well, this girl, Sydney, passes the notebook around and everyone’s in hysterics because it’s covered in hearts and scribbles of ‘Maya and Ash forever.’ They called her a—” she lowered her voice to a whisper “—brotherfucker. It went on for months and months. Ash didn’t know for ages. Celine didn’t want to be the one to tell him.”

  “That must’ve been horrible for Maya.”

  “No doubt, and it explained why mean girl’s favorite possession, a two-hundred-and-fifty-buck designer jacket, went missing and ended up in tatters, flying on the school’s flagpole.”

  “Maya did that?”

  “Nobody knows for sure, but we all assumed she did. And who could blame her, really?”

  “What about Ash? What did he do?”

  “I don’t think she told him, either, not at first. I don’t know why, because Ash was immediately popular when he arrived from England. He would have put a stop to it right away, and people would have listened. He was untouchable, in a way. A leader. Before Ash arrived, Keenan thought he was the king of the castle, and then Ash dated the most popular girl in high school...”

  “You mean Celine?”

  “Yes. Keenan went bananas, tried to make her stop seeing Ash, but of course she wouldn’t listen. Why would she? Ash is a great guy. But then Celine left, and Keenan blamed him. Things seemed to settle down for a while, at least on the surface, but then Keenan went out with Kate before Ash ‘stole’ her, as my brother still puts it. Honestly, I’ve told him a hundred times it was because he drank too much and didn’t care enough about her, but the animosity between him and Ash runs way too deep for him to listen.” She wrinkled her nose. “Doesn’t this weird you out, talking about Ash’s exes?”

  I let out a half laugh. “A little.”

  “Only a little? You’re a better woman than me. So, what do you think you’ll do now?”

  I flicked through the options in my mind. Go back to Brookmount, call Heron and Stevens and let them figure stuff out, or... “Stay a couple more days, at least until I speak to him properly. I can’t leave before that happens.”

  “Good decision. And don’t worry about your room. We’ll go on a day-by-day basis, it’s yours for however long you need it.”

  Ten minutes later I still sat outside alone, soaking up the last of the sun, and debating whether I’d made the right decision, when my phone rang. When I saw Mike’s number, I picked up immediately. “Hey,” I said. “How are you? You don’t need the car, do you? I took a little trip.”

  “Ah, in that case this really isn’t the best time for my call...” He let out a long sigh. “Lily, I apologize, but the garage... I’m afraid we’ve got no choice. We’re closing. End of the month.”

  “Closing?”

  “It’s been looming large for a while, but I didn’t want t
o say anything last week, not with everything that happened to you. Basically...well, the truth is I can’t keep the business going. I thought I had someone lined up to take it over, but the deal fell through. I’m sorry, Lily, but I have to shut things down. Time to retire.”

  “Oh, Mike, that’s awful.”

  “I feel sick to my stomach. You were the last one on my list to call. Not because you were the least important, but because I kept hoping for a miracle. I don’t want to lose you. But it’s official, and I didn’t want to tell you while you’re on leave, but...”

  “Don’t worry, it’s okay, I understand. What can I do to help?”

  “Nothing, but thank you. You’re the first person to ask. I’ve been called all kinds of names in the past twenty-four hours, none of them pretty. I’ll do everything I can to pay your two weeks’ severance.”

  “What about the car?”

  “You said you’re on a trip?”

  “Yeah, I’m not exactly in town.”

  “Screw it,” he said. “Bring it back whenever you’re ready, it’s the least I can do.”

  After we hung up my mind wouldn’t stop churning. Not only did I have multiple reasons to stay in Newdale, but losing my job meant I now had the time, too. The one thing I didn’t have a lot of was money. A week, I told myself. I’d give myself a week to find all the answers I needed and decide, one way or another, what I’d do next.

  22

  ASH

  The walk I’d hoped would clear my head hadn’t worked, and by the time I got back to the house I’d been anxious and wired with the anticipation of seeing Lily. When Maya told me she’d come and gone, I exploded. “What do you mean, she left?” I yelled. “How could you let her go?”

  “Calm down, Ash,” Maya said. “She needs time to get her head straight. She’ll be back in the morning.”

  “Are you kidding me?” I said, my voice increasing in both volume and intensity. “You should’ve made her stay. Told her to wait until I got back.” I felt my fists clench into tight balls, the muscles in my neck straining. It was at that point I noticed Maya’s wide eyes, the way she’d taken a step back, as if she was scared of me. And who could blame her? What kind of a person acted this way, yelling and screaming at someone who’d done nothing but help? I thought back to what Maya had said, that my increasingly irate behavior was because of the situation, and my amnesia, and hoped she was right. I could barely keep my frustrations at a simmer and not only did it make me hate myself right then, but also I felt ashamed.