Funny Girl

by Betsy Bird

  The Chinese zodiac is a twelve-year-cycle based on the lunar calendar, where each year is represented by a different animal. Humans are said to possess the characteristics of the animals under which they are born, and their success in life depends on how well they manage their animal natures.

  Having problems with a parent, sibling, friend, or romantic interest? Want to know your strengths and weaknesses? The amazing Chinese zodiac explains it all!

  * * *

  Find Your Animal Year!

  RAT

  Legend has it that when the Buddha was dying, he summoned all the animals to his side, but only twelve came. The Buddha was cool with that because paper hadn’t been invented yet, and it took him forever to chisel on his tablet the names of the animals in the order of their arrival. The Ox ran the fastest, but the Rat was the cleverest. He jumped on Ox’s back to cross a river, then hopped to the other side and ran ahead. Never underestimate the power and ability of the little guy!

  Lucky traits: Funny. Clever. Loyal friend. Generous. A cute nose, too!

  Unlucky traits: Long tail. Short fuse. Overly critical.

  Lucky car: Maserati.

  Lucky crushes: Dragon or Monkey. If you have any doubt, stay with your own kind—moles, mice, bats, small sized rabbits.

  Fatal Attractions: Horse. Eagles. Falcons. Owls. Buzzards.

  Unlucky sports: Soccer. Lacrosse. Field hockey. Anything that requires running across an open field (see Fatal Attractions). Marathons are especially lethal. Bowling is a bad idea.

  Famous Rats: Wolfgang Amadeus Molezart, Leo Volestoy, John Cage, T. Squirrel Eliot.

  OX/BULL/COW

  You are a visionary, and determination is your middle name. People like to follow you.

  Lucky traits: Inspiring. Charismatic. Dependable.

  Unlucky traits: Conservative. Rule follower. Stubborn. Hot-tempered.

  Lucky hairstyle: Uncombed. Go for the natural, roll-off-the-field look. You’re gorgeous just the way you are!

  Lucky outfit to wear on a date: A muumuu.

  Unlucky bling: Anything loud that hangs around your neck.

  Unlucky crushes: The Goat will get your goat. Every time.

  Should you ask your crush out? Only when you’re in a good mood. How would you like to be approached by a mad Bull?

  Unlucky careers: Inventory control manager in a china shop. Red flag chaser consultant (temp job) in Barcelona.

  Extremely unlucky sport: Bullfighting (see temp job in Barcelona).

  Famous Bovines: Aroastotle, Johann Sebastian Bull, Dante Alidairy, Moogaret Thatcher.

  TIGER

  RRRRRrrrr! Hello Kitty you are not. You are the empress of all the animals.

  Lucky traits: Powerful. Courageous. Ambitious.

  Unlucky traits: Moody. Rebellious. Unpredictable. Always dominant. Tigers are not good followers.

  Lucky nail color: Orange You Wild?

  Unlucky outfit for a date: Last night’s dinner. Meat is not a fashion statement.

  Unlucky crushes: You get so many mixed signals from Monkey. Best to avoid.

  Should you ask your crush out? Never. There is only one response when a Tiger approaches!

  Lucky careers: Military ambush specialist. Ninja. Assassin.

  Unlucky careers: Tiger balm. Rug.

  Famous Tigers: Ludwig van Bengaloven, Queen Elizabite II, Ho Chi Mean, Sun Catsen, Marilyn Monroar, Oscar Wildecat, Shaunberian White.

  RABBIT

  You’re considered the luckiest (and cutest!) of the zodiac animals. Mothers in China want Rabbit babies almost as much as they want little Dragons (see below).

  Lucky qualities: Kind. Compassionate. Sincere. Soft fur.

  Unlucky qualities: Cautious. Conservative. Overly sentimental.

  Lucky nail color: None. Don’t even think of having your nails done. You’ve heard of a lucky rabbit’s foot, haven’t you? The less noticeable your paws are, the better.

  Lucky hairstyle: Fluff and go! High-maintenance you are not.

  Lucky careers: Carrot cake baker. Mesclun salad plater at a fancy restaurant for rich hares wearing harelooms.

  Unlucky careers: Magician’s assistant. Pet hair removal specialist.

  Famous Rabbits: Carrotfucius, Albunny Einstein, Drew Bunnymore.

  DRAGON

  Dragon was the symbol of the emperor in ancient China. It is considered a great honor to be born under this sign. In China, more babies are born in Dragon years than any other.

  Lucky qualities: Lively. Enthusiastic. Artistic. Gifted.

  Unlucky qualities: You love to gossip. Perfectionist. Unrealistic expectations of others.

  Lucky outfit for your date: Something flame-retardant.

  Should you ask your crush out? Why not? No one says no to a dragon and lives to tell about it.

  Lucky careers: Tortilla manufacturer. Murano glassblower. Deep fryer specialist. Prison guard.

  Unlucky careers: Firefighter. Anger management coach. Gambler.

  Famous Dragons: Scalevador Dalí, Sigmund Fireud, Puff Daddy.

  SNAKE

  The snake may be feared and shunned in Western culture, but in the East, it is a symbol of beauty and power. Snakes are viewed as mystical, deep-thinking, and mysterious.

  Lucky qualities: Bookworm-ish. Wise. Charming. Soft-spoken. Strong intuition. You enjoy your own company.

  Unlucky qualities: Procrastinator. Stingy. Vain.

  Lucky stone: Granite. Perfect for sunning.

  Lucky beauty product: Sunscreen.

  Should you ask your crush out? Best to stay coiled. Pretend you’re asleep, or don’t care. Never chase, or you will lose them for sure! Once you have them, avoid wrapping and squeezing.

  Lucky careers: Sunglasses model.

  Unlucky careers: Snake-in-a-basket in Mumbai. NASCAR track maintenance specialist. Handbag.

  Famous Snakes: Johannesssss Brahmsssssss, Mahatmasssss Gandhisssss, Jackie Onassissssss, Pablo Picassssssso.

  HORSE

  Horses have an amazing capacity for hard work. You enjoy traveling. You are your own person.

  Lucky qualities: Independent. Friendly.

  Unlucky qualities: Selfish. Cunning. Don’t listen to advice.

  Lucky nail color: Can do! Can do!

  Lucky outfit for a date: You know you’re always stylish. As famed fashion designer Coco Chaneigh once said, “Dress shabbily and they remember the dress; dress impeccably and they remember the horse.”

  Lucky school: Rode Island School of Design.

  Unlucky career: Dental hygienist for gifted horses.

  Famous Horses: Sir Issac Neighton, Marcus Trotllius Cicero, Jimi Horsedrix, Jackie Chanter.

  SHEEP/GOAT/RAM

  Sheep are prone to getting off on the wrong foot with others. But given a chance, you can be charming company.

  Lucky qualities: Elegant. Creative. Emotional. Wanderer. Need a lot of time alone for imagining.

  Unlucky qualities: Unorganized. High-strung. Pessimistic. Easily startled. Some are known for fainting when panicked.

  Lucky scent: L’Air de Fainting Salts.

  Lucky hairstyle: Random tufts. So cute!

  Lucky crushes: Rabbit and Pig love you the way you are.

  Unlucky crushes: Ox is not the dude but the dud for you.

  Lucky career: Nightmare intervention counselor for children who ate too much sugar.

  Unlucky sports: Synchronized swimming. Don’t even try it.

  Famous Goats: Leonardo da Vinsheep, Paul Goatguin, Winslow Herdmer, Baabaara Walters.

  MONKEY

  Monkeys are all about fun. You are well-liked and successful in any field you try.

  Lucky qualities: Good at sharing. Upbeat. Witty.

  Unlucky qualities: Drawn to danger. Easily discouraged
.

  Your best features: Toes! Tail is fun, too!

  What not to wear on a date: (K)nits.

  Unlucky crush: Tiger will play hard to get with you. Then Tiger will play easy to get. What a playful Tiger! Then suddenly . . . where is Monkey? Monkey?

  Best first line for chatting up your crush: “Let’s hang!”

  What if your crush doesn’t notice you? Monkeys are insecure about this and tend to overdo their attention-grabbing antics. Just breathe—not the death-rattle crescendo, but quiet like when you’re on the monkey bars.

  Lucky careers: Playground supervisor. Banana cultivation specialist in Ecuador.

  Unlucky careers: Monkey’s aunt. Monkey in the middle.

  Famous monkeys: Chelsea Chimpton, Susan Banana Anthony, Charlesimian Dickens.

  ROOSTER

  Roosters tend to be arrogant, eccentric, and loud (or uncommunicative if you were born at night). You like to strut your stuff!

  Lucky qualities: Lifelong learner. Hard worker. Decisive. You speak your own mind.

  Unlucky qualities: A show-off. Dreamer. Flashy dresser.

  Lucky hairstyle: Updo, as only you can.

  Unlucky date outfit: Too many eggsessories.

  Should you ask your crush out? Heck, yeah. As they say, the early bird catches the date!

  Lucky careers: Class attendance monitor. Hotel wake-up call operator.

  Unlucky careers: Underground mine carbon monoxide detector specialist. Red-eye flight pilot. Nightclub owner.

  Famous Roosters: Cocktherine the Great, Henyard Kipling, Eggzra Pound.

  DOG

  The Dog will never let you down. Dogs born during the day tend to be docile. Dogs born at night, aggressive. Those born in between, passive-aggressive.

  Lucky qualities: Loyal. Sensitive. Good secret keeper.

  Unlucky qualities: Worrier. Dishonest. Self-righteous.

  Lucky fashion choice: A blingy collar.

  Unlucky fashion choice: Booties.

  Should you chase that squirrel? Depends. Will your hair still look good afterward?

  Unlucky crushes: Dragon. Secondhand smoke will kill you.

  Lucky careers: Crime scene forensics expert. Queen-walker at Buckingham Palace.

  Famous Dogs: Boltaire, Mutther Teresa, Madognna.

  PIG

  Pigs make splendid companions and lifelong friends. You have a very strong need to set difficult goals and carry them out.

  Lucky qualities: Diplomatic. Sincere. Noble.

  Unlucky qualities: Materialistic. Too trusting.

  Lucky must-have car: Lamporkini. Cute cops will stop you just to get a closer look.

  Lucky crushes: Rabbit and Sheep like the same movies you do, and will even laugh at the same lines.

  Unlucky crushes: You’re drawn to the cute bad-boy Monkeys. They’ll hang around all day and crack you up with funny stories, but in the end, you’ll find you’d rather be making mud dumplings than camping in the trees.

  Lucky sports: Competitive ramen slurping. Competitive slurping anything.

  Famous Pigs: The Dalai Salama, Hogry Ford, Ernest Hamingway, Luciano Pigvarotti, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

  Just remember, no matter what sign you’re born under, you’re in charge. Now go out there and lead your luckiest life!

  The World’s Most Awkward Mermaid

  By Sophie Blackall

  When I was seven, my parents took us traveling for a month. I had a little suitcase with three outfits: three gingham shirts (red, green, and brown), three velour skirts (red, green, and brown) and three sweaters (red, green, and . . . well, I think you can see where this is going). I never once mixed and matched.

  I have always been mad for a uniform.

  When I was nine, I joined a bunch of sports teams just for the outfits, but once they realized I couldn’t throw/catch/hit a ball I was dropped pretty quickly.

  My elementary school did not have a uniform, but that didn’t stop me from wearing one—or, actually, five. The week before fifth grade, my mother took me to a thrift store, and I picked out a different school uniform for every day of the week. They were all a bit baggy and had other girls’ name tags sewn into the collars, and I imagined that those girls—Sally and Kirsty and Susie and Robyn and Ruth—were my long-legged older sisters. No one seemed to notice, or if they did, they asked, “Is that from your old school?” and I said, “Yep,” even though I had been at the same school since kindergarten, usually with the kid who was asking the question.

  In seventh grade, I went to an all-girls school, which was a drag, but I got to wear a uniform every day for real, which was excellent.

  Except for the day I didn’t, which wasn’t.

  We all had to take swimming lessons, and, at the end, pass a water safety test. As part of the test, we each had to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on a dummy, Joe, who was supposed to have water in his lungs. This was actually the least of Joe’s problems, considering he didn’t have any legs or arms.

  Joe’s rubber lips shone with my classmates’ spit, and we had to pump his latex chest as though we meant it, or Miss Cox wouldn’t pass us.

  Nobody was too excited about that part.

  However, everyone was excited about the next part. We each had to swim a length of the pool in our clothes so we’d know how to survive if we fell in accidentally, or had to jump in to save a drowning toddler. We weren’t excited about swimming in our clothes; we were excited because we got to change into clothes from home.

  Basically, this meant a fashion parade. Miss Cox had said, “Bring your oldest clothes,” which we heard as “Bring your coolest clothes.” Girls had been discussing what they were going to wear for weeks.

  When the day came, my classmates filed out of the changing room in skinny jeans and leggings, in miniskirts and leg warmers.

  I had gone in the other direction. I wore a 1950s circle skirt, which had yards and yards of fabric so if you twirled, it would spin way out. On top, I wore the coolest thing I owned: a fleece sweatshirt with batwing sleeves. Batwing sleeves are the kind that go from your wrist to your waist. I looked fabulous. I could flap and twirl like nobody’s business.

  Eighteen of us lined up at the end of the pool.

  Miss Cox blew the whistle.

  Eighteen of us jumped in.

  Seventeen of us swam, laughing and screaming, to the other end.

  One of us splashed and flapped her soggy batwings and began to twirl in desperation. To my horror, my now massively heavy, drenched circle skirt wrapped itself tightly about my legs, turning me into the world’s most awkward mermaid.

  I probably would have just sunk to the bottom of the pool, but Miss Cox made it a Teachable Moment, yanking me out by the wings and telling everyone how she saved my life.

  I trudged home, dragging a plastic bag with my coolest clothes, a rumpled water safety certificate, and half the contents of the pool.

  “Don’t you want to change out of your uniform?” asked my mother.

  I did not.

  Now that I’m a grown-up, I can wear whatever I want, so I have invented my own uniform. Which is excellent. It is also streamlined, just in case.

  Tell Your Future with Mad Libs®

  Come! Learn your future the good old-fashioned way. With Mad Libs! We guarantee that these predictions will end up NUMBER percent true. Would we lie to you?

  Job:

  Well, there’s no good way to put it.Your profession, when you grow up, is going to be JOB . Yep. Just like your dear old grandmama. There’s no getting around it. But, good news! To make ends meet, you’ll have two jobs, and that second job will be DIFFERENT JOB , like you always wanted.

  Love:

  One day you’re in PLACE , VERB ENDING IN “ING” a particularly large FOOD , when you see a GENDER by the name of NAME and BLAMMO! Love at first sight. S
ure, it’ll take a little time to get used to how the love of your life likes to BAD HABIT every five minutes, but believe me. It’s worth it.

  Children:

  Unfortunately for you, when it comes to their personalities, your kids will resemble a mash-up of WORST TEACHER IN YOUR SCHOOL and NASTIEST BULLY and LEAST FAVORITE SINGER . You’ll have about NUMBER of them, too. And they’ll all constantly talk like LEAST FAVORITE CELEBRITY . All. The. Time.

  Fame and Fortune:

  Artist Andy Warhol once said that in the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes. But you, my friend, will be famous for NUMBER years. It’s kind of a/an ADJECTIVE story. You see, while going out to pick up the NOUN you were saving up for, you fall into a sinkhole full of LIQUID . NUMBER people record it while it happens, and when a/an ANIMAL , a/an VEHICLE , and YOUTUBE STAR also fall in, things start to get a little crazy. Thanks to your smart thinking, you save everyone by stringing your PLURAL NOUN and PLURAL NOUN together. The president later calls you the most ADJECTIVE person in America.

  Death:

  Thanks to the miracles of modern science, you might live for another NUMBER years.

  Unless you don’t, of course.

  In the event that you clean your fingernails every day, without fail, you’ll live for DIFFERENT NUMBER years instead. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is science!

  Visit http://bit.ly/2o3IsYJ for a printable version of this Mad Libs®.

  My Life Being Funny (and How You Can Do It, Too)

  By Adrianne Chalepah

  Whether it’s my impressive talent for tripping myself, or my ability to spill half my food in my lap, or because my face is, well, my face, I have always found a way to make people laugh—without really trying. Here’s how I do it:

  PERSISTENCE

  I grew up in a small town on the Kiowa, Comanche, and Apache Indian reservation in Oklahoma, where most people were literally cowboys or Indians. And most Indians were cowboys. And most cowboys were Indians.