Funny Girl

by Betsy Bird

  One beautiful spring day I was walking along and I saw a group of boys. One of them was cute and we weren’t related. (Score!) I waved at him, and he smiled. His friends were whispering to him and pointing at me. They’re telling him, “Look, it’s the smart, funny girl. That’s a real woman. Go for it!” I thought to myself.

  As I began to daydream about all the compliments I was undoubtedly getting, my neck whipped back and my body slammed to the ground. A sharp pain shot through my knee, and I looked down to see the culprit: a small rock. The only one for miles.

  I looked up at my crush and his friends, who were doubled over in laughter. I smiled back and waved again. I wonder if they’ll come carry me to the doctor, like true gentlemen.

  Then they started to walk away from me. I wonder if he’ll still talk to me even though my knee is bleeding.

  I limped after the boys and said, “Hey, guys. How’s it going?”

  “Did you fall?” one boy asked.

  “No.”

  “Yes, you did. We just saw you!”

  “Oh. Well, why’d you ask? Hey, do you guys have a Band-Aid and maybe some antiseptic?”

  They stared at me in silence.

  “Okay. See you guys later!” I wobbled off, still smiling. They’re being shy because they like me so much, I thought.

  Lesson of the day: Have an unshakable sense of confidence. Even when you’re literally bleeding.

  * * *

  INSPIRATION

  I come from a family of storytellers, and I learned some of my best techniques from them. For example, I learned that some stories should never be told outside the home, or at least shouldn’t be told in the presence of people who already think you’re crazy. One of my uncles found this out for me.

  My uncle Clint lived in the woods and spent a lot of time either hunting or fishing. He was also recently abandoned by his wife. Maybe that’s why he spent a lot of time in the woods. I don’t know.

  One day Clint visited his doctor and told him a great story.

  The story started off with Clint in the woods, go figure, alone. He was hunting for deer and stumbled upon a family of bigfoots.

  “Excuse me. Did you say ‘bigfoot,’ Clint?” the doctor said.

  “Yes, sir! And he was big and hairy, and he stunk like tha devil!”

  “It was a male?” the doctor asked. “You sure?”

  “Yes, sir, he was a male, and he had a baby bigfoot with him. But no momma bigfoot. Momma bigfoot was nowhere to be found.”

  After Clint told me this story, he added, “And now I have to take some medicine so I don’t see bigfoots no more.”

  Lesson of the day: Storytelling is great, but know your audience.

  OBSERVATION

  I am definitely a people-watcher. I study people, their accents, and what they eat. Mostly because I’m always hungry, but still.

  My favorite person to watch is my mom. She’s getting older, so she has to squint her eyes when she reads and she is easily confused. She talks to her computer like it can understand her.

  “No. I do not want to take a survey. I want to pay my bill. Adrianne, can you get on the computer and pay my bill for me?”

  I walk over to her desk and look at her screen.

  “Mom, you already paid your bill. You’re on a different site now, booking a vacation to the Bahamas.”

  “Shoot! How did I get here?”

  “That’s a good question.”

  Lesson of the day: Cherish these quirky moments with your parents. Learn to laugh instead of dying of shame and embarrassment. Then ask them if you can make fun of them in a published book. They love you, so they’ll probably say yes. Besides, you help teach them about technology, so they owe you one.

  POSITIVITY

  Sometimes when I perform stand-up comedy, there are hecklers in the audience. This doesn’t always go the way you’d expect.

  A while back I did a show at a large casino in Arizona. A group of lively audience members was loudly chatting through my routine. But everything they said was . . . really nice.

  “I think my husband is—”

  “Oh no!” a woman in the audience called out. “Leave him, girl!”

  “I’m trying to lose weight,” I said, starting a new joke.

  This time, a man in front yelled out, “You’re beautiful!”

  Are my hecklers encouraging me to have better self-esteem? Are these self-empowerment hecklers?

  I was so confused by my positive hecklers that I almost didn’t notice the one heckler who said, “You’re not funny! Booo!”

  Eventually that one negative guy was removed by security and I finished my show. Tempted to be saddened by his boos, I remembered instead the words of my supportive hecklers. I mean, yes, they seemed to have been drinking large amounts of alcohol, but they were right. I am beautiful.

  Lesson of the day: Always listen to the positive hecklers and ignore the ones who boo.

  About the Contributors

  CECE BELL grew up in a very funny family. Her mom is particularly fond of potty humor. Her mom’s mom was, too. Cece works in a barn in Virginia to make sure that her books are full of yuks. When she is not trying to figure out whether or not she should make an El Deafo 2, Cece hangs out with the funniest fella in the known universe, writer and illustrator Tom Angleberger. Cece and Tom sometimes make books together, like the Inspector Flytrap series (guaranteed to make you giggle). Check out Cece’s books at cecebell.com.

  SOPHIE BLACKALL is the illustrator of Ivy and Bean, The Witches of Benevento, and lots of picture books, including Finding Winnie, which won the 2016 Caldecott Medal. She grew up in Australia and went to an all-girls school, which was fine as long as you could make a joke and stay afloat. Literally. These days she shares a studio in Brooklyn with four boys who are all pretty funny, but don’t tell them she said so.

  LIBBA BRAY is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Beauty Queens, Going Bovine, the Gemma Doyle Trilogy (A Great and Terrible Beauty, Rebel Angels, The Sweet Far Thing), and the Diviners series (The Diviners, Lair of Dreams). She once wore fake-mustache glasses to a funeral and an oversized, pink whoopee cushion costume to meet the head writer of The Simpsons. Both of these choices were major mistakes. You probably shouldn’t have anything further to do with her, but if you insist, you can find her at libbabray.com. Just don’t say we didn’t warn you.

  LISA BROWN is a New York Times bestselling illustrator, author, and cartoonist. Her books include The Airport Book, Mummy Cat by Marcus Ewert, Emily’s Blue Period by Cathleen Daly, and The Latke Who Couldn’t Stop Screaming by Lemony Snicket, to whom she is allegedly married. She lives in San Francisco but can most often be found wandering the Internet. Find her at americanchickens.com.

  ADRIANNE CHALEPAH is a Native American (Kiowa/Apache) stand-up comedian, writer, and mother of three. She began performing on stage when she was nineteen years old, once gave the opening invocation for First Lady Michelle Obama, and formed the comedy group Ladies of Native Comedy.

  ALISON DECAMP (My Near-Death Adventures (99% True!) and My Near-Death Adventures: I Almost Died. Again.) never met a book she hasn’t liked. Unless it’s scary. Or disturbing. Alison doesn’t like to be scared. Or disturbed. When she was ten years old, Alison planned on playing professional football for the Pittsburgh Steelers and owning a deodorized skunk. When that didn’t happen she became a teacher instead, which is practically the same thing. Alison lives and writes in northern Michigan with her kids and husband, none of whom find her very funny. They are wrong. You can find Alison at alisondecamp.com or (more likely) trapped under her very fat cat.

  CARMEN AGRA DEEDY is the author of nine books for children, including The Library Dragon, The Cheshire Cheese Cat, Martina the Beautiful Cockroach, and 14 Cows for America, a New York Times bestseller. Her personal stories first appeared on NPR’s All Things Considered; funny, insigh
tful, and frequently irreverent, Deedy’s narratives are culled from her childhood as a Cuban refugee in the all-but-sleepy Southern town of Decatur, Georgia. A new picture book, The Rooster Who Would Not Be Quiet (Scholastic Press) is scheduled for release in 2017. The Book of Unintended Consequences (Peachtree Publishers), a young adult novel, is scheduled for release in 2018.

  KELLY DIPUCCHIO is the New York Times bestselling author of over twenty books for kids, including numerous humorous titles like Everyone Loves Bacon, Gaston, and Zombie in Love. Growing up, Kelly developed a sense of humor through adversity, like the time she threw up in gym class on the first day of seventh grade in a new school. “I didn’t think anyone could survive that kind of public humiliation,” she said, “but I learned to laugh about it and in the process I made a few new friends.” Learn more about Kelly by visiting kellydipucchio.com.

  MICHELLE GARCIA is the senior editor for race and identities at Vox.com, and a former editor at Mic.com and The Advocate magazine. Garcia studied journalism, political science, and women’s studies at Oswego State University in New York, and screenwriting and producing at UCLA. She lives with her husband in Brooklyn.

  LISA GRAFF is the author of numerous novels for young readers, including A Tangle of Knots (long-listed for the National Book Award), Absolutely Almost (an NCTE Charlotte Huck Honor Book), Lost in the Sun (an ALA Notable Book), and most recently, The Great Treehouse War. A former children’s book editor, Lisa now writes full time from her home outside of Philadelphia, where she lives with her family. You can learn more about Lisa and her books at lisagraff.com.

  SHANNON HALE is the New York Times bestselling author of over twenty books for young readers, including The Goose Girl, the Ever After High trilogy, and Newbery Honor winner Princess Academy. With her husband, Dean Hale, she wrote the Princess in Black early chapter book series, the graphic novel Rapunzel’s Revenge, and a novel about the Marvel superhero the Unbeatable Squirrel Girl. Her books for adults include Austenland, which was made into a very funny major motion picture. She is the mother of four children, including identical twin girls. In fact, most of what Henna and Greta say were things her four-year-old daughters actually said. So much of her story is true. If only it were also true that there are always more cookies.

  CHARISE MERICLE HARPER has made many books for children. Sometimes she writes them, sometimes she draws them, and sometimes she does both. Her books include the Just Grace series, the Fashion Kitty series, and picture books such as Cupcake, Go! Go! Go! Stop!, and A Big Surprise for Little Card. Charise likes to keep busy. New books for 2017 include Mae and June and the Wonder Wheel, The Amazing Crafty Cat (a new graphic novel series), and The Next Best Junior Chef (a new chapter book series). Charise loves books, but her favorite thing to do is to make comics.

  JENNIFER L. HOLM AND MATTHEW HOLM are the sibling team behind the New York Times bestselling graphic novel Sunny Side Up. They are the creators of the Babymouse, Squish, My First Comics, and Little Babymouse series. The Eisner Award–winning Babymouse series has introduced millions of children to graphic novels. Jennifer is also the New York Times bestselling author of The Fourteenth Goldfish and several other highly acclaimed novels, including three Newbery Honor winners, Our Only May Amelia, Penny from Heaven, and Turtle in Paradise. Matthew is also the author, with Jonathan Follett, of the novel Marvin and the Moths.

  AKILAH HUGHES is a writer, stand-up comedian, and YouTuber currently residing in Brooklyn. Her work has been viewed millions of times on Refinery29, Fusion, The Huffington Post, HelloGiggles, Femsplain, MTV, Yahoo!, and on her personal YouTube channel, It’s Akilah, Obviously!. Visit her at itsakilahobviously.com.

  AMY IGNATOW is the writer and illustrator of the Popularity Papers and the Mighty Odds series. She lives in Philadelphia with her family and seventeen rabbits, and often lies about having seventeen rabbits. She also hosts a bimonthly rabbit pageant featuring seventeen diverse and extraordinarily talented rabbits. Amy enjoys telling stories.

  CHRISTINE MARI INZER has been drawing since she was old enough to hold a pencil in her hand. At the age of seventeen, she self-published her first book about her travels in Japan. Tuttle Publishing released a new edition of her book, a graphic novel entitled Diary of a Tokyo Teen, in 2016. Christine is currently a student at the University of Richmond and is looking forward to her next book. Visit her website at christinemari.com.

  LENORE LOOK is the award-winning author of the popular Alvin Ho series and the Ruby Lu series, and several picture books, including Brush of the Gods, which was named a Wall Street Journal Best Children’s Book of the Year. She was born a Tiger into a family of barnyard animals, which explains a lot of things. “Living with a wild animal in your barn is very exciting and a bit dangerous,” she says. “It’s a miracle I wasn’t turned into a rug!” You can visit her on her blog at lenorelook.wordpress.com. She lives in Hoboken, New Jersey.

  This is MEGHAN MCCARTHY’s first comic, but not her first strange and traumatic incident. In fact, Meghan has had so many strange and traumatic incidents that she could fill a library with her tales of woe. Is it because she goes looking for such events or because they are thrust upon her? Either way, Meghan isn’t complaining (at the moment) because they give her much fodder to be shared with readers such as you. Visit her at meghan-mccarthy.com.

  MITALI PERKINS has written several novels for young readers, including Rickshaw Girl (listed among the New York Public Library’s 100 Great Children’s Books, 100 Years) and Bamboo People (American Library Association’s 2011 Best Fiction for Young Adults). She recently edited Open Mic: Riffs on Life Between Cultures in Ten Voices, an anthology exploring race and humor, and her newest novel, Tiger Boy, won the South Asia Book Award. Mitali was born in India and lived in Bangladesh, England, Mexico, Cameroon, and Ghana before acquiring her hyphen (“Indian-American”) in the United States as a seven-year-old. She lives and writes in the San Francisco Bay Area.

  LEILA SALES is the author of the YA novels Tonight the Streets Are Ours, This Song Will Save Your Life, Past Perfect, and Mostly Good Girls, as well as the middle grade novel Once Was a Time. She has done improv and sketch comedy, helped judge the world’s largest scavenger hunt, and given tours of a graveyard while wearing a Colonial gown, but her favorite hobby is sleeping. Visit her at leilasales.com.

  RAINA TELGEMEIER is the #1 New York Times bestselling, multiple Eisner Award–winning creator of Smile and Sisters, which are both graphic memoirs based on her childhood. She is also the creator of Drama, which was named a Stonewall Honor Book and was selected for YALSA’s Top Ten Great Graphic Novels for Teens. Raina lives in San Francisco, California. To learn more, visit her online at goraina.com. Her latest graphic novel is Ghosts.

  DEBORAH UNDERWOOD is the author of numerous picture books, including Good Night, Baddies; Interstellar Cinderella; and New York Times bestsellers The Quiet Book and Here Comes the Easter Cat. Her feline companion, Bella, helped write Deborah’s contribution to this book, although the real Bella wouldn’t be caught dead living with a d-o-g. (When asked how she wrote so convincingly about a dog-loving cat, Bella tossed her head dramatically and replied, “I was acting.”) Deborah and Bella live, write, and nap in Northern California.

  URSULA VERNON is the award-winning author of the series Hamster Princess and Dragonbreath and the novel Castle Hangnail. She would like to be like her grandmother when she grows up. She writes, draws, and creates weird little things, and once nearly stepped on a rattlesnake. She currently lives in North Carolina with her husband, several cats, and a hound dog, and can usually be found wandering around the garden, trying to make eye contact with butterflies.

  RITA WILLIAMS-GARCIA is the author of nine novels for young readers, including the multi-award-winning One Crazy Summer series featuring the Gaither sisters. She has been awarded the Newbery Honor and the Coretta Scott King Author Award for each book in the One Crazy Summer series, and has been twice named a National Book Award Finalist. Ms. Williams-Garcia is living her lifelong
dream of training in the art of boxing at Gleason’s Gym in Brooklyn, New York. She is the mother of two adult daughters, and she resides in Queens with her husband, Fred.

  DELANEY YEAGER is a comedy writer and performer who won an Emmy for her work at The Daily Show, from 2014 to 2016. She began her television writing career on the Sundance show The Approval Matrix. Her play, Waiting for AAA, went to the 2015 NYC Fringe Fest. Before all of that that stuff, she was working as a hotel concierge. She graduated from Pace University’s Performing Arts School in 2013.

  MACKENZIE YEAGER is a writer on the Boy Meets World sequel Girl Meets World on Disney Channel. Before that, she worked on The Haunted Hathaways and The Goldbergs. She holds a BFA from The Theatre School at DePaul University and her plays have been produced in Los Angeles, New York, and Chicago. She also is a Liza Minnelli impersonator for the YouTube channel Liza with a Vlog!

  “A Most Serious Recitation of the Poem ‘Trees’” copyright © 2017 by Cece Bell

  “Introduction” copyright © 2017 by Betsy Bird

  “The World's Most Awkward Mermaid” copyright © 2017 by Sophie Blackall

  “A Public Service Announcement About Your Period from Sarah T. Wrigley, Age 12¾" copyright © 2017 by Libba Bray

  “7 Things I Thought Were (Think Are) Funny but Were Really Kind of Sad, and That All Happened to My Little Brother” copyright © 2017 by Lisa Brown

  “My Life Being Funny (And How You Can Do It, Too)” copyright © 2017 by Adrianne Chalepah

  “Dear Grandpa: Give Me Money” copyright © 2017 by Alison DeCamp

  “One Hot Mess” copyright © 2017 by Carmen Agra Deedy