by Dale Mayer
“I can’t understand anything if you don’t tell me,” he said in exasperation, but he never broke contact, the look in his eyes intent. Watchful.
“I broke it off with you because… I learned I was pregnant only to lose it within weeks of finding out.” She took a deep breath, watching his eyes darken in shock. “I walked away after losing your child.”
*
“What?” He slowly straightened and took a step toward her. She retreated. He stopped and stared at her. “You were pregnant?”
“I was.” She looked at him nervously. “But not for long.”
“And you didn’t tell me?” He couldn’t even begin to process this information. “Why?”
“Because I wanted you to want to marry me because you loved me, not because I was carrying your baby.” She opened her arms. “I needed you to marry me because you cared not because it was the right thing to do.” He held his hand out as if to grasp hers and then let it fall weakly to his side. He was stunned. He’d had no idea.
He turned and stared at his doorway blankly. What was he supposed to say? To think? To feel? A part of him felt betrayed at the most deepest level. He could have had a little boy like Jimmy or a girl like Jennifer all his own. Only it had ended before really starting. Confused, he didn’t know what to think. Yet at the same time he wanted to grieve the loss of something that, although it was long ago, felt like today.
Confused, his emotions in turmoil he asked, “If you hadn’t lost the baby, would you have stayed?” He leaned closer, needing to see the truth in her eyes. “Or would you have taken my child and left?”
“Oh my God.” She ran toward him and threw her arms around his chest. “I’d have stayed. I would never have done that to you.”
He slowly wrapped his arms around her and held her close. He whispered against her temple, his heart aching with the loss he hadn’t known. “Why didn’t you trust me enough to let me know? If you had we would have been a family, had kids of our own by now.”
He pulled back so he could look down at her face. “You pulled away from me so suddenly, and I had no idea what I’d done. Or what I could do to fix it.” He gave her a little shake. “You gave me no chance to.”
“I just knew I was hurting. As I hadn’t told you about the pregnancy I didn’t feel like I could tell you about the miscarriage. It was like I’d closed the door and didn’t know how to open it. I turned and walked away and I didn’t even know why.”
Her eyes brimmed with tears. “Even afterwards there was desperation with every other relationship. As if I had to find a man who would give me a baby to replace the one I lost.” In fact, she’d walked away realizing she’d made a mistake but couldn’t reverse it. Instead, she tried to get it all back again but with someone else. Silly. Stupid.
She pulled back and wiped tears out of her eyes. “I know it makes no sense. I don’t even understand, but that convoluted thinking made sense at the time. I can tell you it wasn’t any one thing you did.”
He snorted.
“I know that doesn’t help much.”
“What it comes down to is trust. You didn’t trust me.”
She reached out and cupped his cheek.
“No,” she whispered. “It was me. I didn’t trust myself.”
With tears passing down her cheeks, she turned and walked back inside her room.
Chapter 14
The next morning she stared at the mirror in dismay. Her face was puffy, her eyes red and swollen. There was nothing she could do to hide the ravages of a night of crying. She’d done her best to keep silent so as not to disturb the children, but even after a hot shower she looked the way she felt – like shit. Why was it only now she understood her actions from so long ago?
She’d hurt him badly then, but she’d just slashed open that wound and hurt him twice as much now. She should’ve kept her mouth shut. What good had it done? And just like that the tears started again. The loss was fresh and as hot and painful as if it just happened. She’d gone on to have two beautiful children, but she’d never found the same beautiful love.
Staring out on the balcony in the early morning sun, her arms wrapped around her chest, she whispered out loud, “Dear God, what have I done?”
“Are you okay?” Chase’s voice reached across the other patio from behind her.
She sniffled and wiped her eyes. “No, but I will be.”
“Funny, I think I heard that exact same response from Brett this morning too.”
“He’ll get over it.” She may never, but that was her cross to bear.
“Well, instead of being a martyr, get dressed and bring the children down for breakfast. If nothing else Brett needs to know you’re okay. He’s worked himself up over you.” Chase’s voice had a hard edge to it.
She nodded. “You never did like me.”
“I liked you just fine, but I hated you when you hurt Brett.” And on that note he turned and walked back inside.
That was one thing about Brett and his friends. They always had each other’s back. Something she never had. She’d grown up in the foster care system with no siblings or parents. Lots of extended family but none willing to take on raising a young girl. She’d been close to no one and had instead chosen to isolate herself to heal the hurt inside. Their presence in the background had kept the relationship with her foster family on good terms. She’d been well cared for. Only it left her relationships with a touch of neediness to them.
As evidenced in the ones she’d had after Brett.
History repeating itself.
Stupid really.
And it needed to stop.
She was no longer the same young woman. She was now a mother with two small children of her own to raise. She turned back to see Jimmy sitting up, rubbing his eyes. She opened her arms and swooped him up into a hug. God, she loved her children.
“Can we go back in the water, Mommy?” he asked sleepily.
She laughed. “Maybe later.”
He got dressed with little help from her. As he tugged his shirt down over his head Jennifer started to wake up. Her early morning smile made Ceci’s heart ache.
The next hour was filled with fun and laughter as she got both kids up and ready for the day. She quickly dressed herself. Carrying Jennifer and holding Jimmy’s hand she walked back down to the main part of the house.
The place was big and she had no idea where she was going. Dinner had been outside on the lovely patio, but she didn’t think that would be the same place for breakfast. As she walked down the last few stairs Dave magically appeared.
She smiled at him. “I have two very hungry little children,” she said.
In a move that totally surprised her, Dave held out his arms to Jennifer and she threw herself into them. He gave her a tiny hug and said, “Follow me.”
He led them outside to a different area where there was a large table that would hold at least fifteen people. At one end were two chairs for the children. Dave buckled Jennifer into the high chair as Ceci assisted Jimmy up onto his chair. Jimmy kept up a continuous chatter of questions.
And Dave, with the patience of a saint, answered every one of them as best he could. “No I don’t understand how they make these chairs. Some kind of woven plastic from my understanding.”
Jimmy ran his fingers over the chairs and smiled. “I can make chairs with Legos.”
“Legos are good for making all kinds of things,” Dave said. “I’ll return soon with breakfast.”
In a giggling high-pitched voice, Jimmy said, “Food, food, food.”
And he started smacking the table. Jennifer immediately followed his lead. It took several minutes to calm them down. When they were finally happy to just sit and look around at the garden Ceci settled back into her chair hating the fatigue inside. She’d slept but hadn’t rested.
She also wasn’t looking forward to seeing the men. All of them were Brett’s friends and by now all knew the two had a history. Only none of the men showed up. Instead Dave returned
with bowls of cereal and toast for the kids. “What would you like for breakfast, Ceci?”
“Coffee. Other than that, I’m good.”
Dave frowned but he didn’t say anything. He disappeared to return a few minutes later with coffee and a tray of food to obviously tantalize her into eating.
There was yogurt, granola, and a fresh fruit bowl as well as several kinds of muffins and a cheese platter. She stared down at the wonderful selection. “Okay, now I’m hungry.”
He disappeared as silently as before. Once the children saw her platter they immediately wanted some, so it was a case of share and share alike. That was her world with children.
She loved it. By time they finished there was still no sign of anyone else. She frowned as it was an idyllic scene here, but it didn’t stop the fact that last night they’d had two intruders connected with the embassy. She wanted to know more but wasn’t even sure where to find answers.
She was finishing breakfast as Dave returned with a trolley and a warm washcloth. He proceeded to clean up both children’s hands and faces. She marveled at him. “Looks like you have a little bit of experience with this.”
He stilled and in a low voice said, “At one time I did.”
He helped Jennifer down from the high chair and handed her to Ceci. Realizing she’d opened a wound, Ceci stayed quiet until he was done with Jimmy. She stood up and looked around, not sure what to do with herself and the children now. That was the trouble of being a guest, you could never be quite comfortable and do what you would do if you were at home.
“The playroom might be a good place for the children now.”
She turned to look at him. “Playroom?”
Jimmy started jumping up and down. “Playroom, playroom, playroom.”
Ceci, the kids in tow, followed Dave as he led them back into the house. “Why would you need a playroom here?”
Dave explained. “Sometimes patients arrive with families that often have to wait for hours. So Bullard had this room put in.”
They came to a large double door with glass panels. He opened the door and turned on the lights.
She stopped in amazement. There was a big slide in the middle of the room plus little activity centers at each corner. Off the center was a slick little kitchen area and a big sandbox full of trucks.
This was a slice of heaven for little kids.
Jimmy pulled his hand free and raced toward the trucks. He sat down in the middle of the sandbox and proceeded to make loud engine noises, moving the vehicles around.
Ceci turned back to Dave only to see he was gone. “The man is a bloody ghost.” Putting Jennifer down she let her toddle around trying to see everything. When she managed to pick up a ball with flashing lights she giggled. Ceci let the children play and explore, happy there was a space that was safe for them. What a marvelous idea. There was a beanbag chair to one side. She plunked herself down close to the children and relaxed. When a voice called from the doorway she didn’t recognize it. But when Brett called her a second time she bolted to her feet.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you,” he said. “I couldn’t see you but I could see the children.”
She motioned to the chair tucked out of the way. “I was just resting.”
“Bad night?”
She shrugged. “I’ve had better.”
As the awkward silence’s lengthened between them, she stepped in and asked, “What about the men last night?”
Instantly the atmosphere changed. Brett stepped closer, bending down to say hi to both Jimmy and Jennifer. When he straightened again he said, “Neither man is talking. Bullard is handing them over to the US military for questioning. Hopefully they’ll be able to get more information out of them.”
She nodded. “Yesterday you said I might be able to go home today. Are we still on track for that?”
Again he nodded. “We don’t have the passports yet. As soon as I know more I’ll let you know.”
She turned to look at the amazing playroom. “This is a great place to stay in the meantime.”
“That’s Bullard for you. He’s always thinking about everybody else.”
“Is there anything I can do to help the investigation along?”
“Actually there is. It’s one of the reasons why I’m here. I was hoping to get you to look through the images we have collected.”
“I don’t have a problem with that as long as I can bring the children.”
“If you’re okay with it, Dave will babysit.”
She raised her eyebrows. “I’m sure Dave has more important things to do.”
Brett’s voice softened. “No, I don’t think Dave has anything more important to do than visit with the kids.”
Remembering Dave’s reaction earlier, she nodded. She didn’t know the story but he obviously loved children. “As soon as he’s available then I can come.”
Once again in that slick way of his, Dave appeared behind Brett and said, “I’m here.”
Ceci let Brett lead the way back down toward the clinic, but detoured him into a large room first. As they entered she whispered, “What’s with Dave and children?”
Brett looked at her then lowered his voice and said, “He lost his wife and two children about ten years ago.”
She cast him a shocked look. “Dead?”
“His wife took the children and moved back home without telling him when he was away on a mission. He finally tracked her down only to find they’d been killed in a car accident two days earlier.”
“That’s terrible,” she exclaimed in horror. “He lost them twice over.”
“Exactly.”
And that just pointed out something she knew but had ignored until now.
Everyone had a story. Everyone had strife, trouble. Some were small, others were big. Some were a long time ago and some right now. In ten years this would be a minor blip in her world. She needed to make the most of this time and then go home knowing she’d never see anything like this again.
Inside the boardroom there were several laptops open on the table. She presumed other people would be coming to join them. Walking to a set of empty chairs, she sat down and accepted the stack of images.
She glanced through the first dozen or so without recognizing anybody, but at the last set she stopped.
She tapped the man’s face and frowned. “I think he was at the embassy.” She placed the photo down on the table and flipped through the others. “I don’t recognize anyone else in these.”
She handed the stack back to him. “Are there more?”
He motioned at the laptops. “We have a couple video feeds from the embassy set up for you to watch.”
Almost as soon as he started the feed she stopped him. “Him. He’s the one who checked me in. I completed the paperwork with his help, and then he showed me to my room.”
He switched her over to another feed. When she came to the woman walking beside another man, she said, “I’ve seen her around, but I don’t know in what capacity.”
Brett made several notes, then glanced up and smiled at her. “Thank you for taking a look.”
She got to her feet a little awkwardly “Anything else I can do to help?”
He shook his head, “No, that’s it.”
She could feel the door shutting in her face and she hated it. With that distance between them it seemed an impossible line to cross, but she had to try. “This probably isn’t the right time, but there may not be another that’s better than this one…” She reached out a hand. “Look, all I can say is I’m not the same person I was six years ago. I was young, confused, and grieving. I wasn’t thinking straight and I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was too hurt myself to see anyone else’s pain. That’s not an excuse, but it’s what happened.”
On that note she spun on her heels and found the doorway full of men. Damn. They’d probably all heard. Avoiding eye contact she brushed past them and quickly ran back to her children.
At least there she felt safe. So what if the
re were no other relationships in her future. She knew what her role in life was. She was Jennifer and Jimmy’s mother. That would be enough.
*
“Trouble in paradise?” Markus asked as he walked in. He slapped Brett lightly on the shoulder. “I just got in. Sorry I missed last night. Sounds like it was a lot of fun.”
Brett’s grin was instinctive. He understood Markus’s intent gaze, checking out if he was okay.
“Sounds like you and Ceci have some history?” Markus raised an eyebrow. “Anything to do with the children?”
And that was Markus, direct and to the point. Brett knew the others were listening in as well. He also knew they would understand that anything he said to them was private and personal. But maybe it would help them to know the dynamics going on.
He took a deep breath. “Ceci and I were in a relationship six years back. Only she got pregnant and miscarried and left me right after. I didn’t know until last night. I spent months wandering around in confusion then picked myself up and carried on. She married a military man six months later, who died in Iraq two years ago.”
Several of the men winced.
“That would have been tough on her.” Markus pulled up a chair and sat down. “What’s she got to do with this mess?”
Not sure if the others had heard all the details Brett sat down and brought Markus and the others up to date. He tapped the face she’d identified. “She says this is the man who set her up with a room and started the paperwork to get her passports.”
“And no sign of him yet?”
“Right, and neither have we found the staff that went for the meeting and never returned to the embassy.”
“Shadow has a line on that. We’ll be heading out soon to check into it.”
“What kind of a line?”
Mason picked up the story. “An embassy vehicle was seen parked at an abandoned warehouse several miles away. They can’t confirm the license plate, but there’s no reason for it to be in that location. We’re going on the expectation the staff have been taken hostage.”
