It Was Always You

by Natalie R Allen

  Present Day

  My gaze was on the grass as I took a minute to come back to the present. I swallowed and looked up, giving Caleb a single nod. “Yes, I remember,” I said weakly.

  He didn't even try to hide the look in his eyes. I blinked. Could nobody else see it? I glanced at the others, all oblivious to what was transpiring.

  Caleb wouldn’t divert his attention from me. I turned away before anyone could notice. I felt so exposed and vulnerable to him at that moment, my hands started to tremble.

  “Oh, I remember. We all swam that night, except for you two lovebirds,” Olivia said to her brother.

  “No, Amy and I went out the next night, after everyone went to sleep,” Caleb told her.

  My heart beat faster as the dread slowly built up. I caught Caleb’s eyes. Please stop, I silently begged. His face fell, seeing that this was not easy for me, and he looked regretful. He said something about being mistaken and the subject was turned to something else.

  Byron stood and stretched. “Well, hey, Amy and I are going to go. We’ll see you back at the lodge.”

  Byron helped me to my feet and I stumbled back.

  “Are you feeling okay?” His eyes were full of concern and I felt another pang of guilt. Is this how the weekend was going to be, me guilty at every turn? I felt tired and worn out. I wanted a minute to myself again.

  “Actually, I’m a little tired. Do you mind if we go back to the lodge and take a ride later?” I asked.

  “Yeah, we can. Come on, let’s get you back.” His patience with me was endless.

  As we pulled away, I couldn’t help but look back at Caleb. His eyes were glued to mine until we drove out of sight.

  “I’m sorry,” I apologized again to Byron as he lingered in my doorway.

  “It’s okay, Amy. Stop apologizing. Why don’t you relax for a while and I will see you this evening at the rehearsal dinner?”

  I nodded and kissed his cheek. “Thanks. I’ll see you then.”

  I sagged against the door until I had enough strength to get myself to the bed. As I laid down, I hugged a pillow, and closed my stinging eyes.

  Why was Caleb affecting me like this? What happened between us was so long ago; we were kids then. What was my problem now? I must be more tired than I think I am. I focused on slowing my breathing and my tears slowed, though they didn’t stop. I had to get it together before tonight. Katie was counting on me to help with the rehearsal and I couldn't be like this when I went down.

  I drifted off and found myself in Caleb’s arms.

  ****

  Six Years Earlier…

  “Caleb?” I whispered

  “Hmm?”

  “What do you think everyone will say when we aren't at camp in the morning?” I had my head on Caleb’s arm and his other arm was around my back as we lay close in the clearing at the top of the small cliff. We’d retraced our steps for our clothes and decided to spend the night out together. Caleb had snuck back to camp and retrieved a blanket from Curtis's truck, and we huddled close together under it.

  “Why don’t we just pretend we got up early for a hike or something?” Caleb offered as he rubbed light circles on my back.

  “Oh, that might work. Are we really going for a hike?” I wondered.

  “We can if you’d like. You’ll have to lead the way though. I don’t know where I’m going.”

  “We can go on the east trail and watch the sunrise if we’re up early enough.” I skimmed my hand over the side of his face and ran a finger near his mouth.

  Caleb pulled back a touch. “Hey, girl. Don’t start that again.”

  I smiled. “Sorry, I couldn’t help it.” I tucked my hand away.

  “Let me set my watch alarm so we’re up early enough. How long is the hike?” he asked, sitting up.

  “About a half hour.”

  “There we go,” he muttered before lying back down and pulling me to him.

  I tucked my head under his chin. “Caleb?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m glad to be with you tonight.” I pecked his neck, making sure not to linger.

  “So am I.”

  I smiled. “Will you talk to me? I want to know everything about you.” I closed my eyes and listened as he talked.

  Caleb told me stories about his dad, high school, and college. He described the ocean and the different fish he and his dad had caught.

  “I have never seen the ocean,” I told him.

  He looked at me like I was crazy. “Are you serious? You have to go see it. It’s one thing to see it on T.V. but it’s a whole experience when you’re there.”

  “One day, someday.”

  “Tell me something about you.” He rubbed his hand along my arm and waited for me to speak.

  “Hmm, what is there to say about me?” I couldn't come up with anything.

  “Tell me something, anything. What’s your favorite color?”

  I smiled. “Red.”

  “Okay, good. Now keep going.”

  I giggled and continued down a list of all my favorite things, which led to a list of things I hated. That turned into stories about my brothers teasing me, and it went on this way for a long time. Caleb talked and laughed with me until I finally snuggled close.

  I was halfway asleep when I heard Caleb’s whispering voice. “What are you doing to me?”

  I was too close to unconsciousness to be sure of what I heard and drifted off before I could think any more about it.

  CHAPTER 11

  I woke to a knock. “Amy, come on, honey. It’s time to get ready, and I need your help with my hair.” My mother’s voice floated through the door.

  “Okay, give me twenty minutes and I’ll come to your room,” I croaked.

  “Don’t go back to sleep.”

  I laid my head back on my pillow and groaned. So much for a restful sleep. Dreaming of Caleb’s arms around me was so vivid, it felt like I was just there, and it was unsettling. The night I’d snuck out with him felt like a turning point for me. How did I get there so quickly with Caleb but I could never do it in my other relationships? Including my current one with Byron. As great as he was, I didn't feel that way with him yet.

  As I touched up my make-up and tended to my hair, I wondered what it must have been like for Simon and Katie all those years. They had a few days together, once a year, and neither of them knew what the other was feeling all that time. I remembered the fight Katie and I had that summer trip when Caleb was there. Katie and I were so wrapped up in our affections and lashed out at each other over it. She had been distraught over Simon. Thinking back on it now, I was impressed by her restraint because apparently, I had none. Just remembering my dream about Caleb had me gipping the edge of the counter.

  My thoughts drifted to Byron and I wondered if I would have given him the time of day if I would have reunited with Caleb first. Byron swept me off my feet the first couple of dates, and things had been great with him until last night. Why did I have to go looking for him? Why didn't I stay put?

  Another knock at my door and Katie swept in with two garment bags.

  “Your dress was in with my things, so here you go. I’m going to change here, so you can zip me up.” She seemed happy and I was jealous of her blissful state.

  “What’s wrong?” Katie asked.

  “Nothing.” I shook my head and pasted a smile on my face. I didn't want to spoil her weekend with my own problems. “Let’s dress the bride to be,” I said with a wink, making Katie giggle.

  I closed the door and helped her into a knee-length, gold rehearsal dress. She turned to face me and held her hand out. “Well? Does it still look as good as it did at the store?”

  “Oh yeah. Simon is going to fall at your feet, as if he doesn’t already,” I teased.

  “I know, he really does, doesn’t he?” She smiled.

  I nodded, pressing my hands together. “Okay, I have to go help mom with her hair.” I opened the door and stepped into the hall.

  “I�
��ll see you down there,” Katie nodded.

  “Not if I see you first.”

  My mom was waiting for me when I got to her room. “Oh good, can you fix the back of my hair, here?” She pointed at her hair and sat on the chair at her table.

  As I worked on my mom’s hair, she rambled on about the caterers and everything that still needed to be done. She was concerned that the setting up wasn’t going to be ready in time for the other guests to arrive the following evening.

  “Do you think Byron was genuine in his offer to help?”

  I smiled. “Byron will help, mom. I’ll talk to him again, though, to make sure.”

  “What about Caleb, do you think he would mind? He is the best man, after all.”

  “Caleb will help.”

  She laughed. “How do you know? We should probably ask him first. I don’t want to twist anyone’s arm. He seems very nice, though.”

  “I know Caleb pretty well. He won't be put out.” My voice was quiet, and I thought of how lonely his life must be with no family. He deserved to be cared for and loved by everyone. “Caleb’s kindness is genuine. He has no family of his own and I know he will appreciate it being included.”

  “What? He has no family at all?” My mom turned in her seat with sad eyes.

  I shook my head. “His dad passed away a few years ago and he has no other family. Remember, his mom left them when Caleb was little.”

  “Oh, that’s right.” She got a determined look. “We need to make sure he is included. Can you go find him after you’re done here, and see if he is willing to help tomorrow?”

  I nodded and she turned around so I could finish her hair.

  My palms were sweaty as I walked toward Caleb’s room and I almost wiped them on my dress. I passed a mirror and backed up to check my appearance.

  “Haven’t seen enough of yourself?” Bryce teased as he walked by. I caught a glimpse of him in the mirror and turned around.

  “Why are you all wet?” I asked. And he was. From head to bare feet, shoes in hand, he was soaked.

  Bryce glanced over his shoulder at me, winked and entered his room. The door shut with no explanation, and I rolled my eyes. I peered in the mirror once more, fanning my hands until they were dry enough and adjusted the rose-gold fabric of my dress. My hair was lightly curled and left down. I ran my fingers through it and pulled it all over one shoulder. Once I was satisfied, I walked to Caleb’s door and fanned my hands again before knocking quietly.

  “Come in.”

  I wasn't sure that I should, so I knocked another time.

  “Come in,” Caleb called louder.

  I sighed, looking down the hall, and slipped into his room. When I stepped inside, I gaped. Caleb’s bare back was to me as he rummaged through his hanging shirts.

  “Hey, man, did you forget something?” He pulled a white button-down shirt off and turned around. “Oh.” His eyes roamed over me and he had a small smile. “I’ve never seen you in a dress. You look nice, Amy.”

  I swallowed and worked to keep my eyes on his face. “Thanks.”

  He put his shirt on but didn't button up, before walking to the sink. “Did you need something?” Caleb asked as he applied mousse to his hair.

  “Oh, yes. My mom wondered if you would mind helping with setting things up tomorrow, and whatever else they might need your muscles for.”

  Caleb’s reflection smiled at me. “My muscles, huh? You mean these ones?” He pulled his already open shirt to the sides revealing his torso.

  I shook my head and laughed. “No, I meant your arm muscles—well, arm strength—oh, whatever. You know what I mean.” I felt blush in my cheeks, which wasn't like me and I hoped he wouldn't notice.

  Caleb chuckled. “I see. Let your mother know I’m happy to lend my muscles for whatever they are needed.”

  I smiled shyly. “Thank you. She’s pretty concerned everything won’t be ready in time when the other guests arrive.”

  Caleb turned around and leaned against the counter, looking concerned. “Tell her I can help with whatever she needs; I’m happy to. Is there really that much to do?” He buttoned up his shirt and turned back to the mirror.

  I sat on the edge of his unmade bed. “There is, but we have planned everything out pretty well, and with the staff here and with our help, I think we’ll be okay. She wants everything to go smoothly.” I rubbed my hand over the comforter on his bed, thinking that the blanket was much softer than the one on my bed. I patted the bunched-up comforter, and something moved underneath.

  I jumped up from the bed with a shriek and backed away, bumping into Caleb.

  “Whoa, what’s the matter?”

  I clutched his arms and hid behind him, peaking over his shoulder at the bed.

  Caleb laughed and looked down at me. “What is going on? What are you hiding from?”

  “There is something in your bed!” I whispered.

  “There is?” he whispered back.

  I nodded with wide eyes.

  “Are you sure?” He looked at the bed and back. “I don’t see anything.”

  I poked him in the rib. “Go over there and see what it is.”

  Caleb smiled at me as I hovered behind him, still clinging to his arms. We walked forward slowly to the edge of the bed. “I don’t see anything,” he said dismissively. “You must have been mistaken.”

  “What! No, I am not. There is something in there. It moved; I’m telling you!” I whispered.

  Caleb shook his head at me. “Where did you feel it?”

  “Right there!” I let go of his arm to point, then took hold of it again.

  “Where?”

  “Oh, for the love…” I muttered and moved around him. “Right there.”

  Caleb came to my side and hovered over the bed. “Here, you say?” He pointed. His eyebrows were drawn together. I nodded. Caleb reached under the blanket and yelled. He waved something around in front of my face and I screamed and shrunk away with my eyes closed. Caleb roared with laughter and a yapping sound met my ears. When I opened my eyes, Caleb was on the bed laughing, and a tiny, white, fluffy dog sat barking on his lap. I glared at Caleb; he had tricked me, and there he sat wiping tears of laughter away.

  “Oh man, that was so awesome.” He chuckled and looked up at me. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. You should have seen your face.” Caleb’s smile was infectious, and I couldn't help but grin back.

  “You idiot! I thought it was a mouse or a raccoon or something.” I kicked his shin playfully and he laughed again.

  “A mouse or a raccoon!” he scoffed. “They aren't even close to the same size. How would a raccoon even get into my bed?” His eyes were brimming with laughter.

  “Oh, shut up.” I sat next to him on the bed. “Who is this? Is it yours?” I reached out and pet the fluffy white ball.

  “Yep.”

  I leaned my head down to the dog. “You little runt, you scared me.” The dog licked my finger and I smiled. “What is its name?” I asked, looking up at Caleb.

  Six Years Earlier...

  Caleb’s watch beeped and I groaned against his chest.

  “Do you want to get up? We don’t have to if you aren't up for it.” Caleb’s chest rumbled.

  I groaned again. “Do you want to know something else about me?” My voice was muffled.

  “Tell me.”

  I leaned my head back to see him. “I hate getting up early.” I buried my face once more and snuggled closer.

  Caleb rubbed my back lightly. “We don’t have to get up. We could go back to sleep and have your family find us here in the morning.”

  “Fine,” I whined. “I’m just so warm and comfortable right here.” I kissed his neck and sat up.

  Caleb stood and helped me to my feet. He wrapped the blanket around me and took my hand. I led the way to the east trail which would take us to my favorite spot to watch the sunrise. The sky was lightening, and I could hear the first birds of the morning.

  “Look at that,” Caleb said
, pointing to a bird on the low hanging branch of an Aspen tree. The bird was so white it almost glowed.

  “Wow, it’s so white. I don’t think I have ever seen a bird like that.”

  As we walked past the bird, it flew to the next tree, and after passing it again, it flew to the next.

  I giggled at the smile on Caleb’s face.

  “I think it’s following us,” he said.

  “It seems like it, doesn’t it?”

  We passed the bird again and the pattern continued all the way there. The large boulder we were destined for came into view and the bird followed, resting in a bush right next to the boulder. I climbed on and sat down, sure the bird would fly away, but it stayed put, facing east as though it, too, was waiting for the sun.

  I looked at Caleb and smiled. “I guess it's going to keep us company.”

  Caleb laughed and wrapped his arms around me. I rested my head on his shoulder and watched the bird. We were quiet as dawn approached and I tried not to think of this being the last full day I would have with Caleb. We would have to part the next day, and while Caleb said he didn’t get attached to anyone, I couldn’t help but wonder if he felt anything for me at all. It just seemed odd to me that someone could get to know another person, be with them, speak with them the way we had, and not have adoration or tenderness. I knew he was attracted to me, but was that all? “Caleb?” I asked as the sun was about to peek out from behind the mountain.

  “Hmmm?” he replied.

  I wasn't sure what to ask. Do you like me? Do you have feelings for me? That didn’t sound like what I wanted to know, so I asked something else. “Are you happy?”

  “I am right now.” His embrace tightened around me. “Are you?”

  “I am right now,” I whispered.

  “I’m glad.” He kissed my forehead.

  The sun finally came up and we were flooded with light and warmth. I squinted from the brightness and looked at the bird. I giggled. “Look at the bird.”

  “Sure is shiny, isn’t it?”

  I shook my head. “It’s not shiny,” I argued. “It’s sparkling.” The bird turned its head and looked at us as though it knew we were talking about it.

  Caleb chuckled in my ear. “What do you suppose it’s thinking?”