It Was Always You

by Natalie R Allen

  I shrugged. “Hey, Sparkle, my man here wants to know what you’re thinking.”

  The bird chirped at me and I laughed.

  “Sparkle?" Caleb said with distaste.

  I tsked and turned in his arms to see him better. “What’s wrong with sparkle?” I demanded.

  Caleb was biting back a smile and shook his head. “Nothing, I guess, if it means that much to you.”

  Present Day

  Caleb looked me in the eye. “Sparkle.” He placed the dog on my lap and walked to the mirror, tucking his shirt in.

  I watched him for a moment and peered down at Sparkle. She licked my hand and turned in a circle before settling herself. I looked at Caleb in the mirror. He was leaning with both hands on the counter, his gaze cast down. When he finally peered at me, his lips were turned up but didn't say anything. I didn't speak either. I was touched he had taken the name to heart and I was sure he knew it.

  Caleb straightened up and pulled at his shirt. I noticed a stray bit of hair out of place on the back of his head, and I set Sparkle down. “Here.” I walked over to the sink and wet my fingers. “You need some help with the back of your hair.” Caleb eyed me warily but turned around. “Don’t worry, my mom has me do the back of her hair too.”

  Caleb snorted. “Great.”

  I got the hair into place and leaned against Caleb, reaching for the hairspray.

  His body tensed. “Are you about done?”

  I was curious about his reaction to me. “Almost,” I said, and put my fingers back in his hair, pretending to work at it a little longer. I touched the bottom of Caleb’s hair near his neck and peered at him in the mirror. His eyes were closed and his jaw was clenched. A tiny smile formed on my lips and he opened his eyes just in time to see it.

  “What are you doing?” he asked quietly, with our eyes locked.

  I don’t know what came over me, but I kept my eyes on his and stepped closer until my lips were near his ear. “Call that payback for taking your sweet time with my ziplining harness earlier.” I leaned against him once more to set the hairspray down.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he lied.

  I let go of the hairspray and stayed pressed on him. “Okay.” I still didn't move, and I could hear Caleb’s breath deepen. I raised a challenging eyebrow at him, and he cracked a smile.

  “Hey, Caleb,” Byron called from the partially open door.

  I stepped into the corner, away from Caleb, and he walked to the door.

  “I was headed down. Are you ready?” Byron asked.

  “Yes. Let me put my shoes on and I’ll be out.” Caleb shut the door and walked over to me.

  “Don’t leave until we’ve been gone for a couple of minutes,” he whispered.

  I nodded, looking down, and Caleb’s fingers nudged my chin. “Why did you hide? You came in here at your mother’s bidding, asking for help.” His eyes searched mine.

  I bit my lip and shrugged, not quite sure why I hid this time.

  Caleb’s eyes tightened and he looked at me a moment longer. “I’ll see you downstairs.”

  CHAPTER 12

  After the rehearsal, we had dinner in the banquet room. Byron was sweet and attentive, as usual, although he was a little quiet. My brothers cracked up our table with their jokes and teasing, and Caleb and Oliva seemed to be enjoying each other’s company. Caleb didn't speak to me the whole time. I caught him looking at me now and then, but he would turn his attention back to Olivia as soon as our eyes met. I was annoyed with myself at how aware of him I was. I felt worn out, even with the nap I took earlier, and this was beginning to feel like the longest day ever. The noise and the stuffiness were getting to be too much and I stood to get away. Byron looked at me with concern and followed. I assured him before he could speak. “I think I am done for tonight, I’m sorry. I’m just really worn out.”

  Byron checked the time on his watch and nodded. “It’s almost ten, we’ve been lingering here for a while. Come on and I’ll walk you to your room.” Byron kissed my forehead and we said our goodbyes to the table.

  “Did you have a good day?” I asked Byron, as we climbed the stairs.

  He smiled. “Yeah, I really did. The ziplining was fun but the lake was a good time too.”

  I looked at him in question. “Did you go to the lake?”

  He nodded, his attention forward. “Yeah, Olivia and a couple others were out there when you were laying down earlier and I joined them.”

  “Oh.” I wasn’t sure how I felt about him hanging around Olivia again, though it wasn't like I had any room to talk.

  “Is that not okay?” Byron stopped me in the hallway, looking worried that he had upset me, but I had no reason to be.

  I smiled. “Of course it’s okay. I want you to have a good time. You don’t have to sit around and do nothing just because I'm not there.”

  He nodded and we walked to my room. “Try to get some sleep and maybe you’ll have a better day tomorrow.”

  My brows furrowed in confusion.

  “You’ve seemed a little off, or tired or something today.” Bryon squeezed my hand. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

  I felt bad. I’d put him on the back burner today, and even when I tried to spend time with him, Caleb was in the way. The image of Caleb standing there in his room earlier came to mind and I tried to push away my harbored feelings for him.

  “I’ll be better tomorrow,” I said, trying to reassure myself as much as him.

  I reached a hand behind his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. Byron kissed me softly and smiled into my lips. He looked into my eyes and my craving for more got the better of me. My hands gripped the collar of his shirt and I tugged until he was flush against me. Byron pushed me back into the wall. He kissed me passionately and I returned it. I reached into his hair and Byron’s chest rumbled against me.

  Someone cleared their throat. “Amy.” Holly’s voice was near.

  Byron and I pulled apart, and I looked at Holly. “I’m sorry,” I apologized through my heavy breathing.

  She rushed toward us. “Your parents are coming up the stairs. Just thought I would warn you.” She winked at me and raised an eyebrow at Byron.

  “Thanks for the warning,” Byron said with a shy smile. He turned back to me. “Goodnight, Amy.” He grinned as he walked away, and my face fell.

  “If I’d been kissed by the likes of him, I would be swooning. Are you okay?” Holly muttered; my parents were almost to us.

  “Good night, ladies,” My parents said in unison and then smiled at each other.

  “Goodnight,” I said.

  “Goodnight,” Holly said before she opened my door. “Come on, you look like you could use someone to talk to. Perhaps a third party?”

  I hesitated, but remembered I wanted to keep Katie's weekend drama-free, and nodded. “Would you mind?”

  I sat on my bed and Holly pulled up a chair. She looked at me expectantly, but I didn't know where to begin.

  “Who is the other guy?” she asked. My eyes widened in surprise, and she smiled. “Come on, who was on your mind while you were being ravished just now?” She gestured with her head to the hall. “Because it wasn't Byron.” My chin trembled, and I put my hand over my mouth to hide it. Holly sighed and climbed on the bed next to me. “You have got it bad, but not for Byron. Who is it, Amy?” She wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

  I looked at her through watery eyes. “Caleb,” I breathed. Now I had said it out loud, the shame I felt was overwhelming. Why could I not shake the man?

  She smiled sadly. “The tall blonde, with the blue eyes to die for?”

  I nodded.

  She took a deep breath and patted my arm. “Start from the beginning.”

  I held nothing back from Holly. She was right—it was nice to speak with a third-party person, someone outside the family. Holly nodded along as I told her everything from my waterfall man, to our parting that summer, me avoiding him, and our reunion, right down to him watchin
g me at dinner just now. When I finished, I breathed a sigh of relief, having unloaded everything. Holly’s eyes were wide until she finally blinked.

  “So?” I looked at her, waiting for some wisdom and advice.

  “I don’t even know what to say. I was not expecting anything quite that in depth.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I shouldn't have dragged you into this.” I pulled my legs up and rested my cheek on my knees.

  “No, I’m glad, I just…wow.” She shook her head. “So, you never did get over him?”

  “I thought I had, as much as I could, anyway. But now, seeing him again last night was like he never left. I’m not sure what I feel for him now, but whatever it is…it’s strong enough to make me question everything with Byron.” I sighed, guilty at saying these things out loud. I was glad this wasn't Katie I was spilling my guts to.

  “Do you think that Caleb is still set against a girlfriend, a wife?”

  “I don’t know, but it really doesn’t matter. I’m with Byron, and I don’t plan on changing that. He and I have finally made it to a good place. I usually spoil every relationship I’m in and I’m determined to make it work with him.”

  “But what if Caleb has changed his mind? He sounds amazing.”

  I sat up and shook my head. “No, Bryon is so sweet and perfect. He’s genuine and puts others first, he’s funny and smart…”

  “It seems you have placed yourself between two good men, and I don’t envy you.”

  “No,” I whined. “You’re supposed to tell me what to do!”

  Holly shook her head. “There’s nothing to do.” She shrugged. “It sounds like you’ve already decided. You’ve chosen Byron…right?”

  My mouth fell open. “Duh, you’re right. I have chosen. I chose Byron.” I looked down and fiddled with my bracelet. “Shouldn’t I feel better then?” I muttered.

  “Just get through this weekend. Weren’t things with Byron better at home?”

  I thought about Byron, and the life we had at home. “Yes, you’re right. I need to get through the weekend. You know, I have been telling myself this for weeks; I don’t know how I got so off track. Thank you for listening. I do feel a lot better.” Holly looked unconvinced, and I laughed. “No, really, I just need to keep myself focused on Byron and get through.”

  Holly hugged me. “I’m glad to help.” She pulled away and slid off the bed. “I had better go, but don’t hesitate to find me if you need to talk again.”

  I walked her to the door and waved as she disappeared around the corner. The moonlight was streaming in through the large windows in the hall. I walked toward one and watched the night. The lake was dark, but there were lights around the grounds and down the paths to the lake; it was so peaceful and inviting.

  I went back to my room, readying myself for bed, and gathered up my comforter. I grabbed my pillow and an extra blanket on the way out and snuck out the front door in the foyer. The night air was cool and refreshing after the stuffy evening. I chose the path that led to the hammocks I had seen the day before. There were different sizes, and I chose the largest one, then took my big blankets and set up my bedding. Once they were situated, I climbed inside, resting my head on my pillow, and looked out at the dark water as I swayed.

  Now I was settled, my mind started racing again. Holly was right. I needed to get through two more days, just two days. Ironic—if I remembered right, that was exactly what I told myself the last time Caleb was around, and I didn't stand a chance then. Now, though, I had Byron. I really did care for him and I wanted things to work. I thought about the look in his eyes and his expression after Holly had interrupted us. He looked so happy but…I only saw Caleb, with his blue, piercing eyes, and his sweet smile. I closed my eyes, guilt whipping me again. I hadn't intended to get carried away like that with Byron, but after seeing Caleb in his room and his watchful eyes all evening, something came over me and I couldn't stop.

  I pictured Caleb’s lips on mine and I didn't want to stop. I wanted Caleb to keep kissing me, to tell me that he cared for me, that he needed me. A memory surfaced and I grit my teeth as I relived the entire thing.

  Six Years Earlier…

  “Do you know what my shirt is made of?” Parker asked.

  Caleb and I were following the others on the trail to the waterfall. My brothers were battling with their lame pickup lines and using them on Olivia.

  Olivia giggled. “Nope.”

  “Boyfriend material.”

  Olivia laughed and Bryce shook his head. “That is so lame.” Bryce put an arm over Olivia’s shoulder. “Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?”

  Olivia laughed again and kissed Bryce on the cheek. “Good one Hammond, but I have every intention of staying single for as long as I possibly can."

  “Hear, hear!” Caleb said next to me.

  My gaze swept sideways to him. I knew he wanted to be single, but it hurt hearing it just the same.

  “Oh!” Bryce and Parker both put their hands over their hearts and pretended to cripple over.

  Looking at my brothers, I couldn’t help but snicker at their failed attempts. I shook my head, glancing at Caleb again. He was grinning at them with an eyebrow raised, and he looked my way. “Poor guys,” he whispered with a pity grin.

  I nodded. “I don’t know if they will ever get the hang of flirting.”

  “Some people don’t have what it takes.” Caleb shrugged. “I however…” A cocky grin took over his face and he rubbed my fingers, intertwined with his.

  “Oh really?” I challenged. “You think you're a good flirt?”

  “I don’t know. You tell me.” Caleb suddenly tugged my hand and pulled me into the trees. He pushed me against a large trunk and skimmed my neck with his nose.

  My breathing was heavy already. “This does not…” I lost my train of thought as he breathed heavily in my ear.

  “Does not, what?” he whispered.

  “Uh…what?”

  Caleb chuckled into my neck and placed a trail of kisses along my jaw to the edge of my mouth. “I believe,” he spoke with his lips touching my skin. “That you were trying to tell me, I was no good at this.”

  I couldn't even comprehend what he was saying to me. My mouth was open slightly from my heavy breathing and I was waiting for him to kiss me. Caleb breathed against me, unmoving.

  “What are you waiting for?” I asked, breathless.

  “You know what,” he taunted.

  I huffed and looked him in the eye. “This is not flirting.”

  “Sure it is.”

  I pulled my head away from him, trying to keep my eyes on his and not on his tempting lips. Caleb’s eyes smoldered and I closed mine.

  “Hey,” he complained.

  I giggled with my eyes closed.

  “Think you’re funny, do you?”

  I giggled again and nodded, and before I knew what was happening, Caleb threw me over his shoulder and carried me the rest of the way to the waterfall.

  “What are you doing?” Katie’s voice called. But I was unsure where from as I dangled over Caleb’s shoulder.

  “She thinks I'm no good,” Caleb said. “So I'm going to teach her a lesson.”

  “What!” I cried. “What are you going to do? Caleb!”

  He stepped into the water and I wiggled around to free myself.

  Caleb’s grip on me tightened. “Not yet, babe. I'll put you down when I am good and ready.”

  I heard my brothers cheer as we went deeper. Caleb pulled me upright and hugged me to him as he dove under the water. I held my breath just in time and we came up on the other side of the waterfall.

  “Alright,” Caleb said, breathing heavily. He let me go and stepped back. “We’re here. Now ask me whatever you want.”

  I was still trying to catch my breath, but it was hard with the way he was looking at me.

  “Come on. I’m not Caleb back here, remember?”

  As tempting as he was, I wanted something else from him. “You’ll give
me what I ask for?”

  Caleb nodded once.

  I chewed my lip in uncertainty, because I knew what I was about to ask would ruin the moment. “Do you promise?” I whispered seriously.

  Caleb’s face softened and he stepped closer, taking my face in his hands. “Yes.”

  “Do you care for me?” I whispered.

  Caleb’s eyes widened slightly in surprise and softened again. He kept one hand on my face and the other he moved to the small of my back. “Yes, I care for you, Amy.” He must have been able to see the doubt in my eyes. Caleb let out a breath. “I do care. But there is nothing for us, and I'm not capable of getting into something with you.”

  I swallowed, looking down, and nodded. He was right, of course, but it still hurt to know that he wouldn’t even let me in, if he really did care for me.

  Caleb lifted my face and the tender look he gave tugged at me.

  “Kiss me, please,” I said in a small voice.

  Caleb looked into my eyes for a moment and then slowly, gently touched my lips with his.

  CHAPTER 13

  I groaned in frustration and adjusted my pillow. I should've brought a second one out. This one was too flat for a hammock. My hair kept tickling my face and I wished I would've put it up. I sighed and sat up, wrapping my arms around my knees. Caleb’s face kept swirling around in my head and I was on the verge of tears. I was tired, physically and emotionally. I threw my covers off and stepped into my shoes. I walked to the edge of the grass near the water. The bats were flying around and I smiled, thinking of Simon. His fear of bats was always so funny to my brothers and me.

  “What are you smiling about?”

  I jumped and wrapped my hand around my throat.

  Caleb was holding his hands up in surrender. “Sorry, I didn’t think I would scare you that bad.”

  I put my hand on my chest at my pounding heart. “Well, you did.”

  Caleb chuckled, “Sorry.” He folded his arms and looked down.

  What was he doing out here? It must be close to midnight, and given recent hallway events and passionate memories, he wasn't safe around me.