The Secrets of Life

by K. L. Humphreys

  “You too,” Owen tells her, not getting any closer to her. He turns to me “Are we ready to get going?”

  “Yes. You lead the way.” I ask him hoping that I get a chance to speak to Simon. I get my wish as Stef and Owen decide to have a catch up and Saffron is being held captive by Emme and Tony, leaving Si walking beside me. “So, last night was intense. Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” His answer is short and snappy.

  “Don’t talk to me like that Si; I haven't done anything to you.” I can’t keep the hurt out of my voice, and he looks at me knowing that he’s upset me. “I know Owen hurt you when he got sent down, but he did what he thought was right. He’s paid for his mistake and he’s hoping to make amends and restart his life.” I look forward to see Emme holding Saffron’s hand; I don’t want Simon to know how much I’m upset by this. If he knew that it was upsetting me he’d leave it and start talking to Owen not because he’d want to, he’d do it so I’d be happy.

  “I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do. I’m happy he’s home, but I’m so mad that he left us, especially you. He left you to deal with everything and it wasn’t fair.” He sounds so lost, he doesn’t know what to do.

  “Look Si, do you think it was fair on Owen to have all of us to deal with on his own before he left?” I wait and see that he’s shaking his head, “yeah, me either, he looked after us and made it look so easy. He never complained, he just got on with it.” I’m trying to get him to see it from Owen’s point of view.

  “I know Jess, but he shouldn’t have dealt drugs.” Everything is so black and white with him, I don’t know if I’ll get through this.

  “Oh Si. Yes Owen made a massive mistake, one that he’s paid the last five years of his life for, but the reason he did it isn’t a bad one. He wanted to make sure we were fed and clothed and kept a roof over our head. It’s the exact same reason why I pole dance.” My heart is breaking, I never thought it would be like this, I don’t even know how I let it get this far. If I had known that Si felt this way, I would have tried to fix it a long time ago.

  “I shouldn’t have said you we’re a whore. I’m so sorry Jess. I didn’t mean it, seeing Owen again it brought my anger out.” I nod still hurt, but what can I do? I should have seen that he felt this way! “Seeing Owen again, it made me realise that he is such a hypocrite.”

  “A hypocrite?” Why does he think that?

  “Yeah, Owen was always, ‘do the right thing’, ‘keep on the straight and narrow’, ‘don’t get mixed up with gangs’ and ‘Never do drugs’. Yet there he is, not only in a gang, but selling drugs. He’s such a hypocrite.” I can’t help but smile as he mimics Owen.

  “Okay, first things first, you have to realize that Owen was our parent for a very long time, he didn’t have a choice. He did what he could to make sure we were safe and happy.” I lower my voice; I don’t need the whole world knowing our business.

  “Jess, that’s.” He interrupts me, but doesn’t get very far.

  “That being said, he did things that he shouldn’t have and he wasn’t being a hypocrite when he told you those things, he was telling you from his experience. Just as I would tell Emme and any of you, that you’re not allowed to become a pole dancer, stripper whatever you want to call it. I’m not saying that to be a hypocrite, I’m telling you as someone who loves you and who knows what it’s like to be called every name under the sun for doing it.” I finally get out what I wanted to say and see the clogs start turning, fingers crossed this talk helps.

  “You’re right Jess.” He tells me and walks off. That’s all I get? Cheek!

  Emme’s hopping about the place like a complete loon. She’s excited to be here, she’s never been and I don’t think the boys have either. “Mummy, can we go and see the penguins first?” She’s been banging on about penguins for months, her friend Zoe went to the zoo with her family during the summer and loves the penguins, that’s all Emme wants to do now.

  “No I want to see the Lions and the tigers.” Tony says and sticks his tongue out at her, you’d think he was the four year old.

  “Stop it, let’s just go around this way, that way there’s no more arguing.” It’s Si that says that, shocking everyone. I watch as my little girl takes Tony’s hand and starts walking in the direction Simon pointed at.

  “Aww, Jess, you’ve turned Si into such a good man. I bet you’re proud of the way he’s turned out.” Stef asks me and I watch as Owen’s expression becomes shuttered.

  “I am, I honestly don’t know what I’d have done without him. He’s been my rock and I feel awful that he’s had to be that. I forget just how young he really is.” I’m extremely lucky that I’ve been able to watch him grow up. It’s amazing to know that I’m not the only one who thinks he’s turned into a gentleman.

  Owen walks off and catches up to the kids, my heart clenches at the sight of Simon, standing beside Owen, whatever Si has said to him, I watch as Owen’s whole body deflates, and they laugh at whatever was said. I sigh in relief, thank God, they’ll be civil to each other.

  “Your talk must have worked.” Saff says quietly, I look at her wondering how the hell she knew about my talk. “I overheard parts of your conversation, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but I couldn’t help overhearing.” She ducks her head and I can see the heat rising in her cheeks from embarrassment.

  “Do you think I was harsh on him?” I ask, genuinely worried that I may have forced him into talking to Owen, when he doesn’t want to.

  “No, you weren’t. You said it yourself how much of a rock he was to you, so he knows the truth about everything, therefore he deserved to listen to the truth and that’s what you gave him. He took that in, digested it for a bit and now he’s made his decision. One that benefits everybody. You’ve done really well with all of them Jess. Don’t ever doubt it.” Saff says in an almost whisper that it’s bloody hard to hear her, but I made out what she was saying as did Stef.

  “Yeah, plus Owen was really upset that Simon was so mad at him.” Stef informs us and I look at her questioningly, wondering where she got that from. “He told me on the way here.” She shrugs as if it's nothing, when in fact it is. I’m happy that he confided in someone.

  “Did he talk about prison? I want to ask, but I’m scared that I won’t like the answer.” I hope to god that he wasn’t hurt while in there. I’ve watched so many programs where the inmates get hurt by other inmates that I was actually scared for him.

  “Yeah, he spoke a bit. He made a friend in there, who was released two months ago. Owen said that he really helped him through his time inside.” Stef smiles and I smile back at her, I’m over the moon, thank god he had someone. I’ve worried myself sick thinking about the worst case scenarios.

  “Hurry up Mummy, we’re not going to see everything if you keep being slow.” Emme actually runs up to me and starts to drag me.

  “Emme, it’s ten in the morning, we’ve plenty of time to see everything, so don’t be rushing everyone. Now let’s go see the fish.” I chastise her, she pouts at me I pull her into my hip, and kiss the top of her head, the scent of her strawberry shampoo hits my nose and I can’t help but inhale deeper, loving the smell of it.

  “Okay Mummy, will Nemo be in there? And Dory?” She’s excited, at least she’s not banging on about penguins.

  “Well their brothers and sisters might be, but obviously Nemo and Dory live in the ocean so they won’t be here.” Saffron tells her, and I’m thankful someone is thinking on their feet, otherwise my little princess would have turned into a screaming one.

  We finally make it to the penguins, although it was a job to try and get Emme away from the Meerkats. She actually wanted to bring one home with her, thankfully when we told her that they won’t survive if they live in a home she said she’d come back and visit them soon. Tony was winding her up when we went to see the Lions, telling her that they love eating little girls. Of course that made her cry and run off, she never wants to see them again.

  “
You ready Emme? The penguins are in the swimming pool.” Owen tells her and lifts her onto his shoulders so she can get a proper view of them.

  “Oh are they swimming?” She can’t contain her excitement, today has been one of the happiest days I think I’ve ever had.

  “Yeah baby, they swim.” I reply to her, looking at the penguins in the pool.

  “No! Let me down.” My head snaps up quickly to see Emme thrashing about trying to get down from Owen’s shoulders. Poor Owen has no idea what’s going on, but somehow manages to keep a hold of Emme, while she thrashes around.

  He lets her down and as soon as her feet touch the ground she’s over at my side. The feeling of her fingertips digging into my thighs hurts like hell. “Emme, what’s wrong?” Owen asks her and he looks worried, I however am not, she’s okay, I think she may be frightened though.

  “They’re ugly. I thought they’d be pretty like the Meerkats. I hate them.” She starts to scream hysterically, Owen backs off looking panicked.

  “Emme, come on, we won’t look at them. Look we’ve got loads of time before they close, let’s go back and see the Meerkats and Tony can go back and see the Lions. Hmm, what do you say?” Stef says and I want to kill her, I just want to go home.

  “Yes! Come on Steffy lets go.” Just like that, the hysterics are gone. I don’t understand how children can go from demonically crying to happy as Larry in the space of a second is beyond me.

  I dutifully follow behind everyone, wishing I was home and having a bath, I can’t complain because everybody, including myself has had a good day. I even got to see the Giraffes. It doesn’t take us long to get to the Meerkats and Emme is fascinated again.

  “Jess, I’m going to take Tony and Si to the Lion enclosure, that way we can go home once Emme’s finished.” Owen tells us and I can see by the look on the boys faces that they’re delighted with the suggestion, anything to get them away from Emme’s over excitement.

  “Yeah okay, meet us back here?” I tell them, but for some reason I pose it as a question. They all nod and start to walk off. Emme drags Stef closer to the ugly Meerkats and Saffron moves closer to me, she wants to talk and I have a pretty good idea what it’s about, I just have to wait for her to work up the courage to talk about her date with Damien.

  It doesn’t take her very long, “Jess, am I making the right decision going on this date? Am I being a fool, I mean he can get anyone he wants.” She’s so unsure of herself that it makes me want to shake some sense into her. “You know what Layla said about him is right. He has slept with some of the girls.”

  “The difference between you and the girls he’s slept with is that he’s asked you out on a date. He didn’t try and hide the fact he slept with them. He made sure they knew the score beforehand.” I’m trying to make her see that he’s different with her, that she means something to him.

  “Oh, I didn’t realize that you were together.” She splutters out and I look at her and see the look in her eyes, devastation.

  “Oh hell no, I haven’t nor would I ever sleep with Damien. I’ve slept with one man in my life, and I’m that pathetic, that I still love the bastard.” I watch as her eyes go round with surprise.

  “Oh Jess, I didn’t realize.” I hate that sympathetic tone, I know that she’s only trying to be nice. “Have you tried to contact him?”

  “I did, everyday up until she was born. The day she was born, I tried to contact him, but just like every other time he didn’t answer. So I haven’t tried since. He’s the one missing out, not me. Then I saw him on Friday and he was so cold. He looks so good and I realised that no matter what’s happened, I need to move on. There is no Hunter and I anymore. He didn’t even ask about Emme.” I hate him for making Emme not have her dad in her life. I never wanted that for my child. Not knowing their dad, wondering who is he and where he is.

  “Jess.” It’s a broken whisper and I see the tears glistening in her eyes.

  “It is what it is Saff, and me and Emme are happy. That’s all that matters. Now, as for you!” I point my finger at her.

  She still looks like she’s about to cry, “What about me?”

  “You need to realize that you are a beautiful woman both inside and out and any man will be bloody lucky to have you and that includes Damien. So tonight you’re going to get dressed up, go out on the date and have the time of your life, because one of us needs too.” I hope she has a good night, she bloody deserves it.

  “Mummy, look the lady’s letting me near them.” Emme shouts at me and my head turns quicker than the freak in the Exorcist. She’s actually fucking standing near a bloody Meerkat.

  “Is that even safe?” I’m shitting myself, what if they bite her?

  “Yes, we do this all the time. Nobody wanted to do it today so we’ve let your daughter in for free.” Some snotty woman tells me, looking down her nose at me.

  “Oh how much is it to feed them usually? And thank you for letting us do it for free.” Stef says and I know she’s trying to be nice so that they don’t kick them out of the enclosure.

  “Oh it’s fifty four pounds.” The snotty woman tells us and I’m glad that Emme gets to do it for free, because there is no way in hell I could afford that.

  “Oh that’s not too bad, for your entry and to also feed the Meerkats.” Stef says and I wonder if she’s lost her bloody mind.

  “Oh no dear, that doesn’t include your entry to the zoo.” Now the cow’s looking at Stef as if she’s lost the plot.

  “Oh right, sorry. Anyway thanks for letting us feed them.” Stef tells her and she’s nowhere near bloody sorry.

  “Can I pet them?” I hear Emme ask the woman.

  “No you can’t! They may bite, so you can only feed them.” The woman says and right now I want to run into the pen thing and grab my daughter, what the hell, if they bite they shouldn’t allow kids around them. The woman must read my mind, “don’t worry dear, they haven’t bitten anyone, it’s just to err on the side of precaution.”

  Precaution my arse. I just want them to hurry up and finish feeding the poxy things, I don’t see the fascination with them to be honest, I think they’re ugly as hell.

  “Not fair, I didn’t get to feed any of the animals!” Tony shouts as he makes his way back to us.

  “That’s because you wanted to see the lions.” Emme says to him then proceeds to stick her tongue out at him.

  We wait another ten minutes for them to finish feeding the Meerkats and finally we can start our journey home. Emme’s deliriously happy and she will be for the next week at least, she’ll rub it in Tony’s face for that long anyway. We leave the Zoo and start walking back to the train station, I’m happy that we came but even happier to be going home.

  “Mummy, thank you so much for bringing me, the penguins were really ugly, Zoe is weird, I don’t like them.” Emme tells me with a disgusted look on her face.

  “Yeah, but you can tell her that you fed the Meerkats, she’ll be so jealous.” I tell her and I really shouldn’t be teaching her to do things like that, but that Zoe has been banging on about the Zoo for months and Emme’s been wanting to go. Zoe hasn’t stopped bragging about it and just having to listen to Emme repeat it is driving me mental.

  “Right, this is me. Owen it’s good to see you again. You look happy.” Stef says and she’s right, he looks really happy today. “Jess, are we still on for tonight, your place?”

  “Yes, I’ll have the Vodka ready.” We’re going to need it for the conversation we’re going to have. “Saff, I’ll see you at work on Wednesday.”.

  “Yes, and I was meant to ask, if you’re not busy Monday morning, can we go over my routine again, we didn’t really finish it the last time?” She asks and I see Owen’s brows hit his hairline, oh he didn’t know she’s a dancer too. “That’s if you don’t mind?”

  “Of course I don’t mind and no I’m not busy. I’ll come to the club once I have the kids at school. You’d better get going, you’ve got your date soon.” I can’t keep th
e smile off my face. She deserves this.

  “Okay, I’m going, see you later.” Saff tells me then bends down, gives Emme a hug and a kiss, Stef following suit, they say goodbye once more and go into the station.

  Chapter Eight

  I open the door and see a smiling Stef, “I brought wine,” she tells me lifting two bottles up with both of her hands.

  “Thank god, I think I’ll need the both of them to myself.” She looks at me questioningly. “You’re just in time, the kids are about to go to bed.” I smile at her, happy to see her.

  She pouts, “Has my Emme already gone to bed?” she asks as she walks into the living room, and sits in the armchair.

  “Yeah she has, thank god. She’s nonstop talking about those poxy Meerkats. I’m bloody sick of hearing about them.” I tell her sinking into the sofa. Grateful this day is almost over.

  “Oh you poor thing.” Stef has a huge smile on her face, not sorry in the slightest.

  “Shut up,” I lightly kick her with my foot, “have you eaten?” I’m starving, I want something greasy and bad for me, but I don’t know if I can stomach it, I still haven’t gotten over the fact that Hunter’s back. I didn’t eat when the kids did, I couldn’t. I don’t remember the last time I had a decent meal. But right now, I could eat anything.

  “Yes, I could eat a horse.” She starts rubbing her stomach exaggerating her hunger.

  “How’s Chinese for dinner?” just thinking about having it makes my mouth water.

  “Oh my god, yes. I haven’t had a Chinese in a while. Is Owen here?” she gets a funny look in her eyes, I give her a questioning look, and she doesn’t hesitate to tell me what she’s thinking, “I don’t want him to know that I’m an escort.”

  “Why? It’s none of his bloody business, and no, he’s not here. I don’t know where he is, I haven’t seen him since he left after he had dinner.” I’m starting to get a bit worried.

  “I don’t know, I just don’t want him to judge me.” I give her the look that says who the hell is the drug dealer to judge people. “Are you worried he’s mixed up in that stupid gang again?” She sees right through me and gets to the heart of the matter.