He scraped the side of his face with his nails. “I should’ve told you.”
Her shoulders relaxed slightly. “I thought you understood me when I explained why it was so important that I know how to do all this myself.”
“You’re right. I just thought when I spoke with Tyler—”
Hurt slashed through her. “You talked to Tyler? As in your friend, another rancher, a guy…basically someone who has nothing to do with this ranch, over me.”
He gave a nod.
She threw up her hands. “Do you even realize how patronizing and demeaning that is? So what, the big, capable men talked about my ranch without me even there?”
“It wasn’t like that, Sarah. It came up in conversation one night over drinks, that’s it. I didn’t plan a meeting with him. I’ve worked with Tyler for years, with his father for years. They’re like family. They’re trustworthy, and they know what they’re doing. They never would have said anything to anyone. It has nothing to do with me thinking you aren’t capable. I…I did want to fix this for you, but if I couldn’t, I wanted to be able to present you with solutions.”
Everything he was saying was bouncing off her, hitting all her insecurities along the way. She had been silenced and dismissed so many times; she couldn’t handle it from him, too. “You decided I’d just sink into a pile of nerves and fear if I knew. Admit it.”
He shook his head, his jaw clenched. “No, I’m not admitting that. It’s not black-and-white like that. I didn’t think you’d just fall apart if I told you. But I did know it would hurt you and stress you out and if I had the power to prevent that, then I would.”
“It’s more. Admit that you don’t think I can handle stress.”
“Fine! I admit it. Yeah, you came on the cattle drive with us and worked just as hard as any of us, but then a day later, I’m watching you in agony in a motel room in the fetal position where you passed out for ten hours. Do you know what it’s like to watch someone you care about in pain? I don’t see the problem here. Yes, I think that you can’t handle a lot of stress and as someone who…cares for you, I didn’t want to be the cause of that agony.”
She blinked a few times, the unfamiliar sting of tears in her eyes alarming her. She wouldn’t cry in front of him. “So I’m this fragile flower you need to protect from the harsh realities of life?”
“I know you’re not fragile. It was hard to watch you in that kind of pain, and I made the decision to not put you through that again.”
“Your decision again. You decided. That’s where you’re wrong. And that wasn’t triggered by the stress of the ranch, it was triggered by too much bad food and alcohol. If this had been any other ranch, and I had been a guy, would you have done this?”
…
Shit. Cade didn’t know the answer to that.
He stared into Sarah’s eyes and questioned everything he’d done, the reasons behind it, whether or not his intentions were good. Did everything she’d revealed about her past, her migraines, her shutting down emotionally play into his subconscious? Why hadn’t he told her? He didn’t actually think she was weak or incapable. He knew this was her ranch. He knew she deserved to know major problems like this one, even more so because they involved her father. But he also knew that part of his job was finding solutions, making himself valuable. If he wasn’t of value, there was no reason for him to be on this ranch, let alone to stay once she was ready to start running it herself.
But her question—would he have withheld this if she was a guy? No. No, if this had been Tyler, he’d have told him in an instant. But Tyler was different. Tyler didn’t shut down and pass out for hours. Tyler…wasn’t Sarah. He wasn’t in love with Tyler.
He was in love with Sarah.
That knowledge punched him in the gut and left him standing there, staring at her, wondering how the hell this was going to be okay. “I…I don’t know.”
She took a physical step back from him, her eyes flashing with betrayal. “I haven’t asked for much. Just that you treat me like an equal.”
“You can stand there and be pissed, but I was doing what needed to be done. I’m your foreman, Sarah, the hired help, and I needed to prove my worth. I wanted to come to you with a solution.”
“You’re not just the hired help. Don’t say that.”
If there was one thing he did know, it was himself. He had always been the help, hired or not. That was his place in every home he’d ever been in. If he didn’t help, there was no roof over his head. If he didn’t solve problems for people, there was no home for him. If he couldn’t work, he was nothing. “It’s true, though. It may make you uncomfortable, but it’s never far from my mind. It’s why we haven’t slept together.”
He didn’t know if she was going to take a step forward to hit him or a step back because she was repulsed by his comment.
“Don’t do this,” she whispered. “Don’t make yourself into some asshole.”
“It’s the truth.”
“So what, you held back because you’re the hired help, which gives you all the power in what happens in our relationship? C’mon. How do you know I would have slept with you?”
He didn’t say anything. He just stood there and watched her as her cheeks turned red.
“Oh…” she said after a second. “Oh, maybe…maybe you did all of this. Maybe this was a fake romance between us to keep your job. Maybe you’re not attracted to me at all. Fool the stupid, naive rancher’s daughter into thinking she was falling in love.”
It hurt to speak. She had it all wrong. “Sarah…”
“Yes?” Every last ounce of pride glistened in her eyes, waiting for him to tell her she was wrong, that he loved her, that he hadn’t been faking, that not sleeping with her had been hell for him, that he’d wanted her from day one. But he didn’t. It was easier this way. It was easier than having to admit to her that he wasn’t good enough, that he’d never have anything to offer her, that he couldn’t fix this problem for her and he didn’t have the money to fix it, either. Not that she’d ever ask let alone allow it—because he was the hired help, regardless of whether she’d admit it—but that’s something he wanted do.
“I’m sorry.”
She let out a small laugh and dropped her hands to her sides. “Okay, well, so am I. I’m sorry I ever met you, sorry I ever took out that ad. But most of all, I’m sorry I let you in. I’m sorry I trusted you.”
“This whole thing needed to end anyway,” he said, walking back over to the desk, racking his brain for a way to wrap this up swiftly. He could do the hiring for a new foreman. He would make sure that he took the steps to keep the ranch running the way it should. By the end of the year, she’d be running it anyway and wouldn’t actually need him. It was time to find a new place to go. All he needed to do now was go along with her idea of whoever she thought he was.
“What does that even mean?”
He looked into her eyes, his chest painfully heavy. “It means that whatever was started between us needs to end. It was wrong, and I should have stopped it before it turned into something…more serious.”
She crossed her arms. “That is so insulting on so many levels. Once again, you’re the big man in control of this relationship and you should have stopped it? Care to let me in on any other life decisions you’ve made on my behalf?”
“Fine. Do you know how this will look? People will assume we’re together because I want to get my hands on the ranch.” He put up a hand before she could argue. “I don’t give a shit what people think about me, but I care what they think about you. I don’t want people whispering behind your back that I’m screwing you to get to your money. I don’t want to give them any reason to disrespect you.”
She folded her arms across her chest. “So you’re going to end our relationship because of other people?”
“It’s not just that. Your father wouldn’t have approve
d of me. Edna can barely stand me. You’re the landowner here, the ranch owner. I’m just the hired cowboy.”
“So? Is this a male ego thing? Is that what this is about?”
He ran his hands through his hair. “You wouldn’t get it.”
“Because I’m a woman?”
He gave a terse nod.
“Try me.”
“It’s going to sound old-fashioned and politically incorrect as hell, but yeah. I’m supposed to be able to bring something to the table. I’ve got nothing except money in a bank account that wouldn’t even put a dent in ownership of a ranch this size. It bothers me that the only way I’d have ownership of a ranch like this is because of my wife.”
Her eyes flashed as she marched toward him. “How do I own this land?”
He shrugged. “Your family.”
“Exactly,” she said, poking his chest. “I didn’t do anything to become an owner of this ranch. I inherited. You probably deserve this ranch more than I do, because you’ve put in more hours here than I have.”
He snorted. “That is an idealistic way of looking at things. It’s not the way the real world works.”
“Thanks for explaining the real world to me, Cade. Were you attracted to me because of this ranch? Because of the money in my bank account?”
“Of course not.”
“You want to know what you’ve brought to the table? If I needed someone when I was down, you’re the guy I wanted by my side, because I know you would do anything to help me. I know you’d have my back, just like I would have yours. Millions don’t make a man. It’s his heart, his courage. How wrong of you to think your self-worth is tied up in your bank account.”
He shook his head. He loved her heart and that she actually believed all that stuff, but he knew it didn’t matter. “That’s a really great, naive way of looking at things.”
“You’re impossible. Okay, then—what was your plan? Find a woman who has less money than you to make yourself feel better? Is that what you’ll do now? Are you going to take out an ad?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he snapped.
She pointed a finger to her chest. “I’m being ridiculous? Right. Oh, I guess you don’t need an ad, do you? You can just walk into a bar and pick up whomever you’d like. How’s that been working for you all these years? Last time I checked, you were single.”
“Because I choose to be single.” He shook his head. “I feel worthless, Sarah. I feel like shit when I think that I’ve got nothing to give to you.”
She rubbed her temples, and he hoped to God she wasn’t getting a migraine. He wouldn’t forgive himself if he caused one.
Finally, she dropped her hands to her side and leveled him with a look that set his body on fire. “You’re so worried about being a man? Then why don’t you be a man and actually act like one?”
He stilled, disbelief and anger pumping through him as he stared at her, not really believing he heard what she said to him. Her chest was heaving and her face was red and he knew she was just as pissed as he was. “What did you say?”
She lifted her chin, defiance and challenge glittering from her eyes. “Come over here and act like a man.”
He cursed under his breath, knowing he was walking into a trap, knowing he was too weak to resist. Yanking her against him, he kissed her with every ounce of frustration and anger—and every ounce of love—he had for her. He backed her into the door and she peeled his shirt off him with the same impatience he felt.
She ran her hands up his arms and around his shoulders, her breasts pressing into his chest, and he removed his mouth from hers only to kiss that sweet, soft spot beneath her ear. She whimpered as his fingers quickly and deftly unbuttoned her shirt, his knuckles grazing her breasts. He pulled back only to see what he’d imagined many, many nights—and she was even more beautiful than he’d thought. A pale-pink, sheer lace bra did nothing to hide her full breasts. He slipped the straps off and quickly unclasped the flimsy fabric, catching her gasp with his mouth, and despite his anger, his hurt, and his unabashed want for her, slowed it down and kissed her with that same wonder he had the first time. Because Sarah would never be just any other woman to him. If this was the last time he kissed her, then he didn’t want it to be in anger.
He ran his hands over her smooth skin, feeling every sweet curve he’d imagined, hearing every sound in his ear, and knew he couldn’t keep going. But it was when she whispered, “I love you,” in his ear that he shut down and pulled back. He kept his hands on her waist to hold her steady, to wait for the reality of what kind of an ass he could really be to sink in.
She blinked up at him. “What are you doing?”
He picked up her bra and shirt, handing them to her. “This isn’t going to go anywhere,” he said, stepping back.
Hurt slashed across her eyes, and it was just as bad as the red humiliation that streaked across her cheeks. He knew he was going to regret this for the rest of his life.
“Cade,” she said in a voice that he’d never heard before.
He backed up a step. “I think we’re done here.”
“What?”
She had told him she loved him. There wasn’t a person in the world who had ever told him that. She turned around and got dressed quickly while he turned away, wanting this torture to be over. He couldn’t have her in love with him. She was angry with him for what he’d held back; she couldn’t love him. How could she? He’d screwed up badly.
There was only one way this could go.
She turned back around, her eyes glistening, and his gut twisted horribly when he saw the sheen of tears in her eyes, knowing she never cried. “I hope you’ve humiliated me enough now. That was the goal, right? You’re so in control, you can pull away from me so easily. You can decide when everything ends.”
“I’m leaving. I’ll hand in my resignation. I’ll find a new foreman before I go.”
She shut her eyes, and when she opened them, the hatred there was enough to make him wish he’d never come here, never met Sarah, never laughed with her, fallen in love right alongside her.
“I hope you have a good long laugh about this when you leave town. I hope the next woman you screw in some crappy motel room gets treated better than me,” she said, opening the door and walking out.
The minute she left, he kicked his foot into the desk, cursing out loud in the silent room. He gripped the edges of the desk until his knuckles were white. There’d been low points in his life, plenty of times he hated himself, but this was the ultimate.
She loved him. Sarah had told him she loved him, when not a damn person in the world had. And he’d treated her like she was meaningless to him. He’d treated her like she was a nobody, when she was everything.
Chapter Seventeen
You’re a worthless little shit, Cade.
Cade drank straight from the bottle of whiskey and leaned back on the sofa, hoping he’d just fall asleep instead of listening to the stupid voices from his past. Except the problem with sleep was that it filled him with thoughts of Sarah. First his dreams would start with good thoughts…Sarah laughing, Sarah passing around strawberry hand sanitizer, Sarah helping Carl with his marital problems…Sarah kissing him, Sarah telling him she felt safe with him…and then it would change to their last conversation, when she was against the door, half naked, and so sweetly telling him that she loved him, and him shutting her down callously.
The knock at the door didn’t prompt him to get up. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, and if it happened to be Edna Casey, he couldn’t be drunk, because she’d run circles around him with her arguments.
He cursed under his breath when the knocking didn’t stop, and he knew exactly who could knock so relentlessly and obnoxiously. He stood slowly and crossed his messy living room.
Cade opened the door, not looking forward to an interruption from his wallowing, to find D
ean and Tyler standing there holding a bottle of whiskey.
“I have to say, I’m surprised you lasted this long,” Dean said, walking in without Cade actually inviting either of them inside.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said, torn between kicking them out and actually admitting he was glad to see them.
Tyler put his feet up on the coffee table, and Cade didn’t even care. “We’re referring to us being surprised it took you this long till you screwed up your relationship with Sarah.”
Oh. He crossed the room and sat down on the opposite couch. He knew they’d never get it, because as much as his best friends hadn’t had the perfect life, neither of them came from nothing. Neither of them had been kids tossed around like a worthless nuisance or knew what it was like to have nothing to offer a woman. Neither of them knew what it was like to spend your life thinking that you wouldn’t ever own anything. Tyler had his family ranch to offer Lainey, and while he wasn’t loaded, it was a damn fine ranch and a solid income with the potential to grow into something even bigger. Dean had been born into major money and had been able to do whatever he wanted. Hell, he was the perfect guy with his career and his ranching money.
“How do you know that I screwed things up?”
“Lainey.”
He accepted the glass of whiskey Dean poured. He wasn’t so intoxicated that this bit of information wasn’t of interest to him. He wanted to know anything about Sarah. He was going through withdrawal. “What, uh, did she say exactly?”
“Well, first off, you should know that Lainey went to bat for you. Saying all the reasons you’re a great guy—things that never would have occurred to me,” Tyler said, pausing, a slight smile on his face.
He cleared his throat. “Thanks. What did Sarah say?”
Cowboy For Hire Page 21
