Dork Diaries 6: Tales From a Not-So-Happy Heartbreaker
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Sincerely,
_________________
(YOUR SIGNATURE)
Am I NOT brilliant?!!
!!
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 10
NOTE TO SELF: THE SWEETHEART DANCE IS IN FOUR DAYS !! ASK BRANDON ASAP!
Last night I dug around in the garage and found a big box of Brianna’s old water toys that had been put away back when she was a toddler. Hey, I was desperate!
But the good news is that I found the cutest little float-toy thingy that fit around my waist perfectly.
As long as I didn’t try to breathe.
And packed in the same box was a SUPERold swimsuit that belonged to my grandma when she was a little girl.
I thought I looked pretty cute walking out to the pool for swim class.
Until Chloe gasped, Zoey covered her eyes, and everyone else stared.
SIERRA THE SEA HORSE AND I GET READY FOR MY FLOATING SKILLS TEST.
MacKenzie just looked me up and down like she had never seen a swimsuit with LEGS. Or Sierra, a hot-pink Princess Sugar Plum Baby Sea Horse float toy with purple hearts on it!
I mean, WHERE has that girl been all of her life?
Under a ROCK?!!
Then MacKenzie batted her eyes at me all innocentlike and made a very snarky and insulting comment in front of the entire swim class.
“Um, excuse me, Nikki. But the class for Water Babies meets tomorrow at four p.m., NOT today.”
Of course everyone snickered.
I could NOT believe that girl had the nerve to publicly insinuate that I was a Water Baby!!
“Gee thanks, MacKenzie, for the info on the other class!” I said really sweetly. “Now why don’t you go and jump into the deep end of the pool, swallow twenty-seven gallons of water, and EXPLODE!”
And of course my gym teacher didn’t help matters any. She said I couldn’t get into the pool with my sea horse because float toys were NOT allowed.
But I didn’t see that rule posted on the wall. It only said:
WCD POOL RULES
1. NO running!
2. NO eating!
3. NO horseplay!
4. NO peeing in the pool!
Anyway, I must have had a really big breakfast or something, because when I tried to take it off, that stupid sea horse was STUCK! Even Chloe and Zoey couldn’t pry it off of me . . . .
CHLOE AND ZOEY, TRYING TO HELP ME GET OUT OF THAT SEA HORSE
And because I could hardly breathe I started having these really WEIRD hallucinations. I saw myself:
In bio class sitting next to Brandon while wearing that sea horse float-toy thingy.
Going to the Sweetheart Dance wearing that sea horse float-toy thingy.
Graduating from high school wearing that sea horse float-toy thingy.
Moving into my college dormitory wearing that sea horse float-toy thingy.
Getting married wearing that sea horse float-toy thingy.
And giving birth to my first child wearing that sea horse float-toy thingy.
OMG! It was like I was going to be STUCK wearing that sea horse the rest of MY LIFE!
That’s when I just totally lost it and started SCREAMING hysterically!
Or due to a lack of oxygen, maybe I was just HALLUCINATING that I was screaming hysterically. I really couldn’t tell for sure since I was very confused.
That’s when my gym teacher called the janitor and told him to come ASAP because she had an emergency situation.
He actually had to cut that sea horse float-toy thingy off of me with these giant metal clippers. Which of course made me supernervous.
One little accidental SNIP and I could have lost an arm or leg or something.
Hey, it could happen! I’d ALREADY lost a braid to Brianna just eight days ago.
Anyway, the good news is that after the janitor finally got that thing off, I started breathing again.
OMG! I felt SO much better after that sea horse fiasco was over!
But the surprising thing was that my gym teacher actually gave me a passing score on my floating skills testing for “Good effort!” Mainly because she said she’d had enough DRAMA for one day and DIDN’T want me in the pool endangering MY life, HER life, or the lives of other STUDENTS in the class.
I was SUPERhappy things turned out so well! !
Anyway, I still had to figure out how I was going to ask Brandon to the Sweetheart Dance.
I had no idea how all of the other girls at my school were brave enough to ask their crushes to the dance.
I guess the major difference is that I’m a spineless coward and just the thought of Brandon possibly saying no totally freaked me out.
I decided to take the direct approach: Track him down in the newspaper office. And just . . . ASK him.
I mean, how hard could it be?
EXTREMELY !!
I had a dry mouth, shaky knees, and a stomach full of rabid butterflies.
And that was from just merely thinking about it.
But apparently, Brandon and the rest of our photography staff were on a two-day field trip touring a local community newspaper. So my only option is to talk to him about the dance when he returns on Wednesday.
I STILL can’t believe I actually passed my floating skills test!
WOO-HOO!
!!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 11
NOTE TO SELF: THE SWEETHEART DANCE IS IN THREE DAYS !!
I just LOATHE shopping for Valentine’s cards with Brianna. It’s the same DRAMA every single year.
“But I just gotta have the Princess Sugar Plum valteen cards!” Brianna whined.
Mom had dropped Brianna and me off at the main entrance of the mall while she hunted for a parking space.
“It’s V-A-L-E-N-T-I-N-E! Not valteen!” I grumbled.
“If I don’t get my Princess Sugar Plum cards, I will cry once upon a time in a faraway land, forever and ever, the end!” she whimpered.
“Well, unless you want me to drop you off at the mall’s lost and found, you’d better NOT cry forever and ever!” I muttered.
“ACTUALLY, I FOUND THIS LITTLE GIRL THROWING A TANTRUM IN THE MALL . . . .”
“Anyway, it’s just a silly card that kids in your class will throw away the second they open it! So what’s the big deal?!” I grumped.
“I want my Princess Sugar Plum valteens! NOW!” Brianna cried.
We searched for those cruddy Princess Sugar Plum valentines all afternoon. And nine stores, five tantrums, and one migraine headache later, we STILL hadn’t found any. Every single store was sold out!
At least the mall was prepared for the onslaught. Sales clerks at every store were strategically stationed by their Valentine’s display holding boxes of tissues for the kids who burst into tears once they found out that the Princess Sugar Plum Valentine’s Day cards were all sold out.
It was totally disgusting how most of the stores had taken complete advantage of the situation and set up huge displays with other Princess Sugar Plum products . . . .
It was quite obvious they were hoping the traumatized little brats would buy an assortment of the forty-nine other Princess Sugar Plum products instead.
There was Princess Sugar Plum bubble bath, body lotion, shampoo, toothpaste, vitamins, Band-Aids, candy, pretend glitter makeup, bubble gum, cereal, breakfast bars, peanut butter, dolls, board games, fashions, dog food, etc.
Basically, you name it, they had it.
Somewhere on a remote island there’s probably a secret factory where fat little purple elves with pointy little shoes, sugar plum hair, and creepy, beady little eyes crank out Princess Sugar Plum junk twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Kind of like that Willie Wonka guy and his chocolate factory.
Of course, when Brianna didn’t find the Princess Sugar Plum valentines, she quickly morphed into a wailing, slobbering, snot-nosed wreck.
But what I couldn’t figure out was how the sales clerks could be so calm and peaceful in the midst of total chaos!
There were little gi
rls crying, screaming, yelling, screeching, shrieking, and squealing everywhere.
How could they just stand there smiling calmly through all of that high-pitched, eardrum-shattering noise while a couple hundred five-year-olds threw simultaneous tantrums?
I was impressed.
Until I saw their secret weapon.
EARPLUGS!!!
Yes!
The clerks were all wearing earplugs to protect their hearing AND their sanity!!
Anyway, Mom and I were exhausted from shopping, and Brianna was an emotional basket case.
In the car on the way home I came up with a BRILLIANT idea!
“Brianna, what do you think about me making your Princess Sugar Plum valentines instead? I’m a pretty decent artist, and I’m sure you’d love ’em.”
Brianna immediately stopped crying and looked at me suspiciously, like I was trying to sell her some swampland in Florida—really cheap!
“But if YOU make them, they won’t be REAL Princess Sugar Plum valteen cards!” she sulked.
That’s when Mom winked at me. “Brianna, dear, I have a wonderful idea! How about while Nikki is making your cards, you can eat a big, yummy bowl of Princess Sugar Plum cereal for dinner?!”
Brianna’s eyes lit up. “Princess Sugar Plum cereal! FOR DINNER?! THAT would be FUN!” She giggled.
But suddenly Brianna’s mood darkened and she started to pout again.
“But, Moooom! I just ate the last booowl of Princess Sugar Plum cereal this morning. And we don’t have any more miiiilk,” she cried pitifully.
Mom quickly spun the car around by doing a U-turn right in the middle of the street as I held on for dear life. SCREEEEECH!! (That was our tires!)
“Then we’ll just stop at the grocery store and you and Nikki can run in and get some cereal and milk! How does that sound?” Mom asked cheerfully.
“Well . . . okay, I g-guess.” Brianna sniffed glumly.
Once we were inside the store, I held Brianna’s hand so she wouldn’t wander off or get into any trouble. Then we headed for the cereal aisle.
“Hmmm! Let’s see . . .,” I muttered to myself as I tapped my chin. “Princess Sugar Plum cereal with tooty-fruity marshmallows, Princess Sugar Plum cereal with princess fairy dust, Princess Sugar Plum cereal with glitter sprinkles, and finally, Princess Sugar Plum cereal with a free mini glow-in-the-dark tiara . . . ”
ME, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH CEREAL TO BUY WHILE WATCHING BRIANNA (SORT OF)
There were so many choices I couldn’t make up my mind. “Brianna, which cereal do you want?” I asked as I turned around.
That’s when I discovered she had disappeared into thin air!
Although, it WASN’T the first time. I broke into a cold sweat as memories of the time I lost Brianna at the Nutcracker ballet flooded into my brain.
“NOOOOO!!! Not AGAIN!” I shrieked as I frantically ran down the aisle. “BRIANNA . . . !!”
Suddenly I spotted her!
She had stacked a pile of assorted grocery items on the floor and climbed up on top of them.
Then, balancing dangerously on her tippy toes, she was reaching desperately for an item on the top shelf of a big colorful display. This is what happened . . . .
Well, there was good news and bad news.
The good news was that Brianna wasn’t hurt.
The bad news was that it felt like I had busted my spleen or something.
Or maybe it was just that Brianna had kicked me in my gut with her chunky Princess Sugar Plum snow boot when she landed on top of me.
In any event, the annual quest to find Princess Sugar Plum valentines was finally over.
And I had managed to survive yet another year.
With ONLY a busted spleen.
Woo-hoo!
!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 12
NOTE TO SELF: THE DANCE IS IN TWO DAYS !! ASK BRANDON!! IT’S NOW OR NEVER!!
Today everyone was buzzing about who was going to be crowned Sweetheart Princess.
Students can vote for any eighth-grade girl. However, the girls who wanted it really badly (like MacKenzie) were putting up posters. The entire student body votes during school on February 14, and the winner will be announced later that night at the dance.
According to the latest gossip, everyone was pretty sure MacKenzie was going to win. Especially MacKenzie!
OMG! That girl is so hopelessly VAIN!
All day she was acting supernice to everyone and giving out candy hearts and free fashion advice to bribe people to vote for her.
Although, I have to admit, her posters are SUPERCUTE . . . !
I ALMOST wanted to vote for her MYSELF! NOT! !!
Anyway, TODAY was the big day!
During bio I was FINALLY going to ask Brandon to go to the Sweetheart Dance with me.
OMG! I was a nervous wreck!
And yes! I realized there was a possibility he might already be going with MacKenzie. But at this point I had nothing to lose.
I gulped down my lunch. Then I rushed to the girls’ bathroom and practiced what I was going to say to him in the mirror . . . .
“Brandon, I know this is kind of last-minute and everything, but I would really love it if you would take me to the Sweetheart Dance!”
In the bathroom, everything went PERFECTLY!
But when I actually tried to ask Brandon, I got totally distracted by all of the stuff that was going on in class . . . .
OMG! That quiz was a complete DISASTER!! We were supposed to draw the Krebs cycle, and I totally KNEW the correct answer.
However, I was so FREAKED out by the whole asking-Brandon-to-the-Sweetheart-Dance fiasco that I totally blanked out and couldn’t remember a thing. So I just drew the first thing that popped into my head . . . .
Unfortunately, my teacher did NOT appreciate MY creativity, humor, or artistic talent.
When I talked to Ms. Kincaid after class, she told me I was in bio, not ART class. Then she warned me that if I got another grade below a C or goofed off in her class again, she was sending a note home to my parents.
Of course they would totally overreact and take away my cell phone AND ground me until my eighteenth birthday.
Thank goodness Ms. Kincaid allows us to drop our lowest test score at the end of the semester.
Anyway, I STILL have to ask Brandon to the dance!!
ARRGHH!!!
That was me pulling my hair out in frustration.
Why is my life so massively CRUDDY?!
!!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 13
Yesterday I was so upset about Brandon and that stupid bio quiz that I planned to go straight to my room and have myself a big pity party.
Brianna was in the kitchen humming to herself and working on her Princess Sugar Plum valteen cards . . . .
That’s when the most FABULOUS idea popped into my head!
I had totally embarrassed myself trying to ask Brandon to the Sweetheart Dance.
But what if I gave him a Valentine’s Day card instead?
Then I could WRITE a little note inside inviting him to the Sweetheart Dance!!
It would be cute, sweet, and romantic!
SQUEEE !!
How could he say no to that?!!
I scavenged the house for cool stuff I could use for his card and found glitter, satin ribbon, red foil wrapping paper, lace, rhinestones, and gel pens.
Then, blasting my favorite Taylor Swift tunes for inspiration, I created a beautiful, one-of-a-kind, personalized valentine just for Brandon . . . .
ME, MAKING A CARD FOR BRANDON
The final step was to write a deep, heartfelt poem inspired by our friendship and mutual respect for each other. Like . . .
ROSES ARE RED,
VIOLETS ARE BLUE,
I’D REALLY LOVE TO GO
TO THE SWEETHEART
DANCE WITH
YOU!!
Yes, I know!
My poem is cheesier than two large pizzas.
Taylor Swift makes writi
ng mushy songs about your boyfriend look really easy.
Anyway, this morning I went to school ten minutes early so I could give Brandon my card before classes started.
But it wasn’t until second period that I FINALLY spotted him at his locker talking to Theo!
I didn’t have a choice but to go into stalker mode and secretly follow him around, waiting for the perfect moment to give him the card.
But that moment NEVER came. Someone was always hanging around or talking to him. I didn’t know the guy was so popular.
Although I was still pretty traumatized from that pop quiz fiasco yesterday, one thing was very clear. Cornering Brandon in bio class was going to be my ONLY chance at attending the Sweetheart Dance!
I got to class superearly and just sat there clutching my card, waiting for him to arrive. I was a nervous wreck!
And having the extra time to think just made me worry about all of the things that could go wrong AFTER he read my poem.
I mean, what if Brandon said NO? Or laughed at me? Or just . . . PUKED?!
OMG! I was a sweaty, paranoid . . . WRECK! I felt like people were staring at me and whispering about me . . . .
ME, NERVOUSLY WAITING FOR BRANDON SO I COULD GIVE HIM MY CARD
When Brandon finally arrived, I thought I was going to pee my pants.
“What’s up, Nikki?!” he said, brushing his bangs out of his eyes and giving me a crooked smile.
I just stared at him. I opened my mouth to say hi, but no words came out.
“Um . . . are you okay?” he suddenly asked, looking concerned. “You look a little, um . . . frazzled!”
“Actually, Brandon . . .,” I finally blurted out really loud, “I just wanted to give—”
“BRAAAN-DON! Wasn’t that pop quiz yesterday just AWFUL?” MacKenzie asked, rudely interrupting me. “I thought I failed for sure. But lucky for me I squeaked by with a B+. So, Nikki, what did YOU get on the quiz, hon?”
Then she smiled at me and batted her eyes all innocentlike.